herewegoagain1

Marcus, Yes I had done some research last night and found that combining enhanced the high. I would confront him on this but I feel what is the point its just more lies, and more confusion and entrapment for me. Thank you for you input it gives some insight into why he is combining them. I havent checked to see if he took the somas to work with him today but I am sure he did.

EnglishGarden, No I have not yet checked into a support group. I know I need to go but I feel a little nervous and anxious about it. I am hopefully getting a job soon so then I can get us out of this situation. I am going to suggest to the husband that with the tax return we get that he go to treatment. However, if he wouldnt go to a outpatient clinic which was free except for the cost of subs I know he wont go to inpatient which is really what he needs I think. I have no idea how many pills he is taking a day. I wish I knew. Why is it that the addicts destroy our perspective and can successfully twist stories to where the other believes them? <--- I gues this is why I need to be in a support group lol. Life is peaceful here when he is at work although it still consumes me. He really has a way of making me feel guilty. He makes comments like if I loved him this and that. I am mean to him or should I say untrusting but that is to be expected. I am now afraid that when we get our tax return he will over do it on the pills and either OD or his addiction will reach a new high and more pills. You all are exactly right about everything it just seems so foggy living in the midst of his addiction. I am so numb I agreed to him that I wouldnt say another word about his problem to him. I want him to get help but I do realize I have offered to be of support and he has just let me down and is now ignoring the situation. He told me last night he knows I am leaving for someone else! lol he cant even see the reason I am leaving is bc of HIM not for someone else. Or he possibly is saying this to guilt me into staying I dont know. So now its alcohol every now and then pills (opiates) and now somas. I guess there is prob more that I dont know.

At these support groups are there people there in the same type of situation I am in? How does it work? ARe they free?

Thanks so much you all on SR really help me to stay focused instead of getting lost in his haze of lies. You all give me strength I didnt know I had. Life has been hard for yrs and I hope to find peace

herewegoagain1

I just ckd and he did not take somas to work with him but then again I dont guess he could work while on them either. :/

EnglishGarden

I know you are in a state of emotional chaos. It is inevitable when we are living with a person in active addiction. And he is a very severe addict, given the intensity of his drugs use and the combinations of substances. So, this chaos of mind and inside your own home will continue, I'm afraid, because he does not seem anywhere near giving up his drugs and getting help.

Your older daughter needs help. This is too much for her, to see him strung out day after day, to feel guilty about it (all children of addicts have deep guilt), to feel also as if you are not there for her because you are consumed by your focus on him and your own fear and anxiety and anger.

Your littlest will simply absorb all the trauma in the home. She is being affected and trauma in childhood is very serious.

So: a major priority needs to be standing strong as a mother and fighting for your children's emotional survival.

If you get more stable, they will benefit. The way you get stable is to go to Al-Anon meetings one to two times a week. They last an hour. There are free brochures there about living with addicts and what you need to do to survive. The people there simply share their experience and their recovery and this begins to heal YOUR brain. Your mind begins to think rationally again, it calms down, and you are able to make significant changes in your life because you actually know what you are doing. Right now you are just caught up in a tornado.

If your daughter attends a school which has a counselor, then you can make an appointment with that counselor, be absolutely honest about your husband's addiction, and ask the counselor what resources are available to help your daughter survive this. The damage done to children of addicts is deep and lasting. They can heal but they have to have help. You are not qualified to do that. You can only find her the help she needs.

If you are still involved with that church, make an appt. with the pastor and be absolutely honest, again, about your situation. Ask for help and resources.

You can find the nearest Domestic Violence center, visit it or call. Tell them everything. Ask for advice and resources.

What you are presently doing has no chance of succeeding: Waiting for him to change and not changing yourself. By this I mean you will need to change according to the advice of all addiction experts in the world: you will need to go to meetings and/or counseling as a codependent in need of recovery).

Even if your husband made a miraculous turnaround and went into treatment for 90 days tomorrow, all the experts will say you need treatment too. You can get this through Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings and counseling.

Even if your husband never uses drugs again, he will always be an addict, he will always require daily management of his disease (possibly daily meetings for life) and you will also always need recovery if you stay with him.

One person getting well does not work. Both people have to be in recovery for the marriage and the family to be well.

You have a lot to do. But not all today. Sit down, make a plan, make a schedule, get some addresses and phone numbers. You can begin your recovery today, with small steps that you will build on.

It takes determination. And you are exhausted right now. So you may not feel strong enough to do anything at all.

But you will have to find that strong mother energy in you, the fierce energy that says "I will not let anyone or anything hurt by babies, ever!" And that energy will propel you to get the help you need.

At an Al-Anon meeting all you have to do is listen. Keep going even if you don't want to. All you have to do is go and listen and believe it or not, things will begin to shift.

Pelican

I noticed that you are doing what I was doing with my addict:
Focusing on the addict. Paying attention to every breath he takes. Watching and waiting for the next action so I could spring into reaction.

I had to put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on my addicted Husband.
Then I needed to pick up the mirror and look at myself. That was painful. It was easier to focus on the addict in my life, than to pay attention to myself and my own needs. I had become so focused on the addict, that I lost sight of my own needs and the needs of my children.

Reading and Posting here at SR helped me regain my focus.
Attending Al-anon meetings helped me to gather tools to keep my focus.
And reading self-improvement books really helped me learn to love myself, again.

I hope you will look into Alanon meetings, and also check into Al-ateen meetings for your children. It is something you do for You, and you are worth the effort.

Your addict has made his choice.
He has refused the treatment services you already arranged.
He is not ready or willing to do anything other than what he is currently doing - use.
What makes you certain that putting more money into his recovery will cure him this time? What makes you certain you are powerful enough to force him to go to rehab and embrace the principles of sobriety?

Freedom1990

This is exactly what I went through with my second husband, an active alcoholic/addict. Not only did I have my own substance abuse issues, I was also addicted to him and the ensuing insanity.

I felt paralyzed for years. He was abusive physically and emotionally.

Thank God I finally ended up in treatment 2 hours away from home. I began to address my alcoholism/addictions. I realized towards the end of rehab that going back home to him was not an option. He was toxic.

Things fell into place in the town where the rehab was (and I still live there) and I never went back home.

He died a few years ago due to complications from AIDS contracted while sharing needles.

I do believe the decision to walk away from him was one of many that saved my life and sanity.

Sending you hugs of support!

herewegoagain1

I really want to reply to everyones post I never seem to have alone time to do so. However, I thank you all sooooooo much for your support and stories to help to see more clearly.

I have a very important question that is really making me lose sleep tonight. When I leave what should I do about him seeing the kids? I dont want to isolate them from him nor do I want to put them in a situation because they are so innocent and helpless. I dont think he would harm them, he has never been violate even back with the meth although he was crazy then. He claims he is only on pills this time and due to his sleeping every night and eatting I believe meth is not the issue this go around. With that being said I need advice quickly on this matter. I keep nervously thinking the what ifs and these what ifs scare the ...... outta me. Am I over analyzing? I mean ofcourse he doesnt need to drive them so therefore he will not be given a carseat. His mother lives next door as well so that is some ease of mind. I will be taking him off the list of people who are allowed to get the kids from school or daycare as I did before when I left. Just please someone tell me what the right thing is to do from experience. Like I said he is not violate and does love his girls but at the same time I have no idea if this is only a pill, and alcohol thing or if there is more. I am confused. I dont want to keep my girls from their daddy but I also dont want anything to happen either.
PLEASE HELP

Pelican

I recommend getting one or two free legal consultations from attorneys to find out what your legal rights are in your community.

I also recommend getting to a support group or therapist to help you learn to focus on the things you can control today.

You have some important decisions to make.

Do you have to have everything decided by 3 p.m. today?

If not, take the time to get informed, supported and make decisions that give you peace.

nodaybut2day

Pelican is right. This isn't a MUST DECIDE NOW situation. Take the time to get informed by consulting a few different lawyers. Considering the fact that your partner is active in his addiction (I assume there's a paper trail proving this...), then you could very well demand supervised visitation for your daughters. That way, they still get to see their daddy, but you are also assured that it's a safe environment.

As for taking him off the list at the daycare, in my experience, the daycare cannot prevent him from taking the girls UNLESS they have a legal document proving that you have been granted sole custody. Once I was given sole custody of DD, the FIRST thing I did was get a true copy produced and handed it over to the daycare director, along with pictures of XAH, which I showed to every single educator (even the cook), to make sure they knew who he was. Whenever there is a new director or educator, I go through the process again, making sure they are aware that XAH is a dangerous man and that they are legally protected if they deny him access.

herewegoagain1

AGAIN

I sit here alone, night after night,
I have tried to be strong but I have lost the fight.

My smile is gone, when you walk thru the door.
I know in my heart I just cant take this any more.

I have lost myself in this chaotic life,
You were suppose to be my husband and I your wife.

Now things have changed due to a pill,
You have numbed your pain but I still must feel.

Our girls need their dad and for you to be strong,
But your going down the path I pray they never go on.

You have everyone fooled,, They just don’t understand,
That yet you have another addiction again.

Do they not see, Your face has gone gray,
The light in your eyes, Has simply gone away.

I hide your secret From day to day
I know you don’t want me to leave,
But I will not continue to live this way

I can not make you better, That is the choice you much make.
Though the damage to us is done,
Now it is your relationship with your daughters at stake.

I will always love you
For the man you should be
But at this moment in time again,
That is not the man that I see.

Your addiction has not only taken you away,
I must also lose your family for choosing not to stay.

Though I am not alone
This is a pain everyone will feel
All this mess Again
But this time over a little blue pill.

wicked

Thank you herewegoagain,

Very well done. I can feel your (i hate to use this word, so overused) angst between your love for what your husband and family can be, and the truth of what it is.
A great way to express yourself.

Beth

herewegoagain1

Well the AH knows I am serious about leaving. He told me if I was going to leave I need to leave asap. Then says he doesnt want me to leave. He keeps saying it doesnt matter if I try your leaving anyway (really he is not seeing the fix to this) I have to say tho even if he was to enter treatment I still must go. I need to get away. I need to gain my self respect and worth back. The odds of him going to treatment are 1 in a 1000000. I wanted to find a job then an apt first but I believe I will have to stay with my mother till I can get on my feet. I just hate leaving all my stuff here in the meantime. I am trying to stay positive and strong. Not so easy. I know leaving is what I want but at the same time I feel a desire to help. I did read the sticky about how we as codependents become an addict to the negative situation. I think that is me. I need out of this cycle. I need to find peace. I know when I leave I will want to somehow still try to control his situation but I need to learn that is not healthy. I need ala non i guess. I did look the alanon up but it was talking about alcoholics which is really not the main issue here so not sure that is for me. My plan of leaving is falling apart. I wanted it to be more organized, stable, not pack a bag and go. I guess when leaving an addict or anyone for that matter isnt so simple and organized. ugh

nodaybut2day

Stuff is just stuff; it can be gotten back later or replaced. Coming home to a safe and sane environment is priceless.

Yes, sometimes we leave in a way that is completely different from what we initially expected. I too had things all perfectly planned out, with lists and all (me love those lists!), and then suddenly, there I was stuffing my and DD's clothing into garbage bags, choosing a few essentials to take and then running out the door. It wasn't perfect and it was definitely heartbreaking, but I survived, and so did my XAH. He's alive and well today, drinking and swindling people as usual.

I'm glad you've gained some insight into your own situation. That's priceless and it's not something you knew last month.

Keep us posted!

Carol Star

The people in Alanon are just like you- effected by someone's using. It does not matter what he is using- it is all "changing seats on the Titanic"- it is progressive- he is going down. You cannot control it. You need to get that job, get you and your girls out, and start living a life free of chaos. Treatment is where you go to find out AA is free. But he has to want it. He isn't ready. Alanon will help you learn to put the focus on what you CAN change- you. Give your husband to his higher power. Protect your kids. Get out- or you will end up sicker than him and your kids will have two sick parents. I am 4 yrs. past divorced and am so grateful I got away. I have a happy, drama free, serene life. I got my life back when I admitted the way things were and not what I wanted them to be. I didn't get my white picket fence. But it is fine. My higher power had a different plan and it is better ! No drama, no chaos.....quiet. No lies......no worry......my place, my money, my serenity. He was a grown man- what right did I have to control his using ? Yes- I loved him dearly- his choices. Love was not enough. His life- his choices....

herewegoagain1

still here still the same. I have been having anxiety attacks, shaking often, the list goes on. I just want to give up on everything but the love for my girls is what keeps me going. I just need to feel the kind of peace only God can give. Pls pray for me and my family. I myself have hit my rock bottom putting up with an addict and the pain is great so much so I cant even shed one tear. I am lost, and feel incredibly alone.

nodaybut2day

You are not alone. We are here. Please keep posting.

Where are you in your plans to leave?

Have you spoken to an attorney (or three)?

I know the brokendown feeling of depression you speak of. I've been there. IMO, it is through ACTION that we can get ourselves out of that hole and move forward, little by little.

wicked

hwga1,

I am sorry for your pain.
Maybe it is time to see a doctor about your state of mind?
Your girls need you not to just keep going, but to live a good life and thrive.
I, too, have felt that pain without tears, lost, lonely and alone. I felt I did not deserve my children's love. I was very sick with a major depressive disorder. I am not diagnosing you (I am not a doctor) but, in my experience it might be a good thing to check.
Your physical and mental health.
Please take good care of yourself, so you can be in top condition for your girls.
Are you going to meetings? You will get support there too.

Beth

:ghug3

chronsweet

I am living with an active ABF who also is just an addict in general. He hasn't been doing the harder stuff for a couple of years. He actually did slip about a month ago, and I almost lost it. His drug of choice is opiates and not the pill form kind. He will do any opiate in pill form, but his favorite doc is the black, street kind. Blah.

Anyhow, when my abf was on that 'black stuff' he would totally be addicted to sweets. He also lost a ton of weight and looked like a skeleton. It also made him really 'up' unless he was coming down. It was almost like he was on meth, but it wasn't meth. I always thought opiates were downers, and they are, but when getting that first fix of the day, he was always super energetic, until later that afternoon/evening he started coming down and needed more. Opiates and alcohol seems to go hand in hand. I know if my ABF could, he would do opiates over alcohol any day of the week. It is so depressing seeing someone just destroy themselves with addiction.

Maybe I am getting better because usually I just get sickened looking at him, but the other day, he was sitting in his chair drunk, looking older, and somehow so sad and pathetic. I didn't feel the need to 'fix' him, but I just felt sad for him and our son, that he could be so much more, but he can't because he is just so addicted to ANYTHING that crosses his path, anything that is, except love and family. Sad story, but repeated almost every single minute in F&F.

herewegoagain1

Hey all! Hope everyone is doing well. I on the other hand have some very serious concerns. I think the AH is doing crack or coke. My suspesions come from he looks horrible, he now goes to work late at night and doesnt come home till wee hrs of the morning, one day was up 26-27 hrs, he eats once a day, his mood is extreme so much aggression and just all over the place. We never see him much and when we do his presence causes Kaos in the house. The other morning we got into a huge fight bc he didnt come home till 8 a.m I broke down and he kept so calm, i kept saying it is him that has the problem he is on drugs he said no he wasnt and said i was recording him????????? I was crying he said omg look at you and laughed tried making me out to be crazy, Im not. He accused me of leaving for someone else said he couldnt believe I was going to take the girls and ruin his life. He said I was sleeping with someone, which I am not. Anyhow I had to leave with my lil one to get away for awhile. Money is another issue. There is little money he claims he gets paid ok yeah he has a little money but half his pay is missing weekly we are talkin like 200-300 a wk. The only reason I think crack is his behavior, sleeping habits, eating habits, and money. He has done it before.

His mom is suspicious that something is going on between us but I just havent told her yet. Seems timing is never good. Plus if I tell her now before we have a place to go things around here will get really bad I feel. I plan on moving June 1st once my oldest is out of school for the summer. You know its like just when you think it cant get any worse it does! I have looked for pipes, etc but I think all this is hidden at his garage bc he makes trips over there daily. I took his phone away from him and some girl called. It was weird an operator said you have a complimentary call from---- then this girl said hey its Angel blah blah I couldnt understand it all. What is a complimentary call? I tried calling it back but no one answered. sighhhh I just dont know what to think really. Crack? Girl? Pills? Alcohol (I know he does), odd bathroom stops when we are out, loads of coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, weight loss, poor hygeine, avoidence, mood swings, dark circle under eyes, suspicious behaviors, money missing, not eating right, joint in cig pack, pills in cig pack, sleeping in clothes with cig pack hidden, and lies, lies, lies, lies, and more lies.

chronsweet

herewegoagain,

If you want to email me privately, please do. Your husband and my ABF sound VERY similar. I have been thru it all with him. He has been addicted to something the entire five years I have been with him.

Odd bathroom stops when you are out, sweets, weight loss and poor hygiene along with mood swings sounds like heroin to me, to be honest. (I hate to say that but I have first hand experience with that crap) My ABF did that stuff for quite a while and has replaced it with alcohol instead. The thing with H is that they DO get a very acute high from it, where they can seriously stay up for days, and then they crash. There mood is either really giddy and corny, and they can get really crabby in an instant. My ABF would get extremely shady and moody, and it is a very expensive habit. They live for it, literally. You can smoke it, snort it or shoot it. My ABF started smoking it and then ended up shooting it. Can you see any track marks on his arms? Does he rub his nose or itch and scratch. My ABF used to slap himself in the face and was constantly rubbing his nose and had scratch marks all over the place. I guess it makes a person itchy.

I have also seen people smoke crack. With that it is something they have to do continuously. The high lasts literally about 10 minutes and if the person doesn't have any they will be literally looking through the carpet searching for it.

I think it sounds more like heroin to be honest. Sorry to say that, I have just seen first hand drug use because my ABF has done ALOT of them over the years. I never even saw anyone do drugs until I met him.

chronsweet

ooo yeah, look at his pupils. If they are tiny little pin dots when everyone elses are not, meaning in a lowly lit room, somewhere other than in direct sunlight, he is on opiates, most likely H.

Blah, I will pray for you girl. You are strong and can do this. Please talk to someone, your family, al-anon, someone so that you can relieve some of the pressure you are feeling. I also went through anxiety attacks recently where my body was buzzing/shaking inside (not on the outside), my ears were ringing.

I went to the doctor and they said it was anxiety. The stress can really start to manifest physically for the rest of the family. Get yourself some support. I am thankful because my family understands my plight and we are working a plan to get me out!