seek

So many of these threads are about the alcoholic.

I would love to hear recovery experiences . . .

I am struggling with obsessive thoughts, fear, etc. I am working a program and have many tools . . .however, I still slip back into fear and obsessive thought . . .and I think it is because I am "escaping my painful reality." My life is not that exciting, so the alcoholic, in contrast, is fascinating! That is PART of my problem . . . the other part is that it is my grandson and I adore him so I become obsessed with his health and well-being, while sacrificing my own, because I honestly don't care about myself as much as I care about him (that may be "sick" but it is a true statement).

I am working on focusing on positive instead of living in the past and dredging up "what happened," and being engrossed in "the story." The past is gone.

I am working on visualizing him as healthy and competent . . . I made a poster with positive affirmations about him . . .if I can stay in that space, I am ok. If I slip back into fear (as I am doing now), then I am toast and nothing positive is accomplished.

I get into all kinds of "what if" scenarios and scare myself.

Anyway, I would love to hear from others who are attempting to focus on the positive and aren't just groveling in the misery and the "stories" of how it is and how it has been and will always be . . .

feelingalone43

Oh, Seek, I am so with you on this one. It took me a very long time to start caring about myself at least as much as I care about his health. Not that I no longer care about him. I am just so tired of wondering when his next binge will be.

It is hard to think about other things in life when living with an active alcoholic. There is nothing that will work for every person or situation, but focusing on my health and happiness has done wonders for me. I hope that some day, my AH decides to get help and get permanently sober, but if he doesn't, I will be healthy both in body and mind (the body part is much easier than the mind part).

Stay strong, and continue to find every positive thing you can. Peace comes not from the absence of conflict in life but from the ability to cope with it.

Willybluedog

I have been back in therapy about 3 months, my mother just turned 78, she has been drinking bewteen 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day for over 40 years (I am 49), my father has been a mjor enabler. I have had a terrible time with guilt, anger and rage issues with both of them, my mother has an acid tongue, and every time I called her out the battle ensued with both parents.

Well after 3 months of weekly counseling sessions, I am finally able to detach from their situation. I no longer feel that I need to fix their issues whether it be, her drinking, his enabling, or their infidelity.

I have not gotten to the point yet of forgiving my mother because of her denial and her continuing verbal abuse, I am as close to no contact as I can get without destroying my relationship with my dad, sister, and aunts.

Working on forgiving her is an ongoing part of my weekly visits, I don't know that I will ever be able to get to where I need to get, but as long as I am moving forward in my recovery I will keep going.

So yes, I have a positive story, I am better, I am learning and growing, I have been able to have more calm and more sanity.

I hope you van get to a place of peace and acceptance, you may not get everything you want, but hopefully you will get to something that you feel you can live with.

Big hugs to you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Bill

seek

Thank you. Can you share what you have done to focus on your health and happiness? What has worked for you?

I notice even in Melody Beattie's books, she talks about how it is not productive to do this or that, or how she used to be "that way," but is now recovering . . .but she never tells the stories of how she used to be in relationship with the alcoholics (details) and what she specifically did to change. She just says she went back and worked the steps, but she doesn't talk about HOW she worked them - the practical things she did - the thoughts she thought - it's just - "I used to be this way and now I am this way because I worked the steps."

seek

What did you learn in therapy that allowed you to finally detach?

It sounds like you don't want to be around your mom, which would make it easier. I do want to have a relationship with my grandson, which makes it much more difficult.

Willybluedog

I have learned that my mother cannot help her behavior, I have also learned that it is to make hard boundaries and it is ok to stick to them.

I will not tolerate her mistreating me or my family, if she starts in, we leave, I don't care if it's in the middle of passing the gravy at x-mas dinner, one strike and she's out.

I have also set strict rules with my dad, do not discuss anything that you are not willing to take my advice on, you either go along with me or you keep quiet about it, I don't want to hear about moms drinking if you will not go to al-anon, send her to rehab, or leave her.

I understand your dilemma, but boundaries protect both of you, you should not have to deal with him while he is intoxicated or high, he should have enough respect to see you while he is sober.

You have to decide what you will tolerate in order to be in his life, no one can make that call for you.

Good luck,

Bill

Chino

You've stated exactly why I've never cared for her books. There was a whole bunch of exploring and explaining why, but not enough what and how. A guide for awareness and acceptance, but not action. Concepts are great and I can get spend hours, days, and weeks with them, but due to my obsessive nature, it can lead to analysis paralysis and has in the past. I got so stuck on why that I needed cognitive behavioral therapy for what and how.

lillamy

It's easier for me to not obsess because my alcoholic isn't in my daily life anymore. But when he was, I spent a few years forcing myself outside my comfort zone. Trying new things, meeting new people. Finding that even though I was old as dirt, I could learn and enjoy new things (snowboarding!) and meet new people, and choose to build friendship independently of AH. I think that helped my confidence levels a lot, and that it also helped me detach.

I grew froma place where I was sad that I didn't have a husband I could do things with to enjoying doing things. Simply.

I didn't always want to go to the shooting rang or go kayaking or go to a new bookclub for the first time, but I forced myself to try everything at least once, just to stay busy. I think it taught me that not only was I capable of living my life, I could have fun doing it.

m1k3

Seek, the problem is that there is so much that at times it cane be hard to explain. So, first things first. I started with step 1. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. I had no control over someone else's behavior. I could not make them get better no matter how much I tried. This got me thinking about what in my life I did and did not have control over. So I made a list of all the things I could control. I spent days working on it. It also lead to a very interesting thread last summer. I recommend trying it for yourself and posting your findings, results and musings here or in a new thread. At least for me it was a real eye opener and my start to recovery.

I look forward to taking part in that discussion if it happens.


Your friend,

LifeRecovery

I also don't live with active addiction so in that way it is easier.

For me focusing on someone else was a distraction from my own stuff. My energy was all outward focused and I never had to feel, never had to look at my own behavior and actions etc.

It took awhile even after we separated to let go of my focus on my loved one.

Some of the steps I took is this
-Counseling. I don't talk about my loved one in counseling a whole bunch though at times I do talk about my reactions, thoughts and behaviors around our relationship and my actions (especially when I was really in the middle of that kind of stuff).

-Al-anon which has helped me to learn how to keep the focus on myself. I am working on the steps.

-When a stressful situation arises, or I am in conflict with a person I ask myself
"What is best for me in this situation." For me it seems to defer what I feel is judgmental in my attitudes toward someone else, and helps me to remember that my job is to take care of me. That does not mean I get to offload my crud onto someone else, but that I also don't have to take on someone's stuff.

-Working on the concept that Selfish and Self-care are very different things

-Remembering that my emotions are all a continuum of the human experience. I have only a little practice in self-care, but just like a physical muscle if I don't use it, it will not get bigger and stronger.

-Remembering that it took me a long time to develop these behaviors and reactions and will take a while to get rid of them...and beating myself up about them only makes it worse.

LaTeeDa

When I was in that place, counseling was the biggest help. My therapist would redirect my attention back to me, help me face my own inner demons, and remind me that my life was important.

Journaling also helped tremendously. I don't know exactly why, but writing down everything I was angry, or sad, or agonizing about made it all less powerful. Putting all those things down on paper somehow made them smaller and less scary. There they were, in black and white, rather than dominating all my mind all the time.

The other thing I did was go on a search for something purposeful. I did ballroom dancing, creative writing, local politics, you name it--I tried it. It took about three years of giving anything that interested me a go, but finally I landed on photography. Now I have something that satisfies my creative urges, builds my self-worth, and gives me immense pleasure. I believe it is what I was meant to do, and probably would have found it sooner had I not spent 20 or so years of my life avoiding myself by focusing on others.

L

Tuffgirl

This also works for me - even today. If I find myself wallowing, I first take my own inventory. Am I overly tired? Upset about something? Hormonal? Hungry? Bored?

I then decide if this is something I have control over (usually NO) and if not, turn it over to my HP. I envision it different ways, but usually its putting it in a brown paper sack and just handing it off. Sometimes I can see "to HP' in black Sharpie on the outside of the brown bag. ; )

And then I busy myself with something. Anything. Reading, crafting, exercise, Al-Anon service, posting on others' threads here...anything to take my mind off of whatever I am obsessing about. And amazingly, after a while, I have forgotten.

I know I am mind-tricking myself, but damn if it doesn't work after all!

One quote that I read every morning before I start my day: "when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change"

Take good care,
~T

feelingalone43

What is helping me the most is focusing on staying in good physical shape. It amazes me how much energy I have after a good workout. Not to mention how good I feel about myself. I was always in good condition, but found that slipping when I was consumed with wonder about his drinking. I finally decided that while I can't control when, if, or how much he will drink, I can control what goes into my body.

I have sooooo many positive things in my life, and when I focus on those, it is easier to let go of the anxiety. I have great kids, terrific pets, a close relationship with my parents, a grandchild that means the world to me. These are things that deserve my thoughts. I can and will be a happy, healthy person. That is my right, and my choice. He can also be a happy, healthy person, but only if HE chooses to.

Keep loving that grandchild of yours. Grandchildren are our reward for raising teenagers.

mattmathews

If you're in a program, and you're still focusing on the alcoholic, instead of on yourself, then maybe one of the things you could turn your attention to is "detachment." I can't remember her exact words, but one of the things I got from Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" was the concept that we must detach. We may not do it right, we may not do it with love, but we must detach.
We call Al-Anon a "recovery" program, but I believe that it's much more than that. It's a program of spiritual growth. The title of this thread is "This is About Me," and that really hits the nail on the head. This program really is all about you. Your life, your happiness, your serenity, your growth.
In my case, I made my alcoholic wife my higher power. If she told me there was something wrong with me, I believed her...even though she was the one that was sick. If she was angry with me I felt horrible. I wasn't active in our relationship, I was re-active. Learning to detach was the best first thing that happened in my program.
I wish I could give you a roadmap or instructions on how to accomplish "detachment." But I don't think it works that way. Prayer/meditation seemed to help. Al-Anon meetings. Becoming aware of the problem. Learning to set boundaries (however imperfectly), learning it was OK to have boundaries (I didn't know you could be married and do that). Therapy.
We're told that we shouldn't give advice, that we should just share what worked for us. Right? But if I were you, I'd make a new poster...with positive affirmations for you, and I'd slap it up on the wall, right on top of that poster you made for him.

Seren

Journaling has helped me through a lot of really rough patches, too. Getting the grief and anger out in big, bold, angry letters really helps!

Mr. HG and I would find ourself constantly talking about his son, and we began to refer to this as "topic number 1". So, when we found ourselves going over the same "topic" again in conversation, one of us would stop, make it clear we were done with this "topic" for now, and move on to something else.

Getting involved in my own life, too, has helped.....it's quite full and busy if I just take the time to pay attention to it!

Hugs, HG

blwninthewind

My RAH and I have vastly different views about recovery and what that means. I have compassion for the A, as they do have a disease. but my RAH told me last night when we were discussing that someone we know is dealing w/ active alcoholism and abuse in her house and what we could do to show our support..."A is the only disease you get yelled at for"... he says this whenever he is trying to duck responsibility for his actions while he was drinking. I should, apparantly, ignore all the messed up plans, embarassment, the blackouts, the pissing on the floor, the screaming obcenities in front of my kids....as he has a 'disease'. I do believe addiction is a disease. I can find compassion for those who can shoulder their responsibility for their actions. Mine cannot. We don't 'argue' but I won't accept his pat little AA quotes...instead of him just saying "wow, I can't believe I did that, I am so sorry you had to go through that".
Recovery itself has put another block between us. Mine...and his.
I am looking forward to the day when I can say "I can't believe that was my life and I accepted that...I will never do that again". Not there yet but I'm praying for it.

seek

Thank you. I do not have to deal with him when he is intoxicated.

seek

It's very weird that she can write basically that it is bad to be co-dependent, and you should accept, let go, detach, work the steps, wtih virtually no examples to illustrate how that might be done.

seek

Thank you for sharing. I am more introverted so some of those things would do nothing for me, but I am happy they worked for you and that you had the strength to pursue what worked for you.

seek

This is a little challenging for me, since my grandson is still a teen and we, as a family are involved in supporting him, and also in his aftercare program . . .meaning we are involved . . . it's not like he is a full adult and we can just turn our backs on him (I guess we could, but we have all come together to support him in the aftercare and we also support him in the SLE) . . .so it makes it much trickier at least in my mind.

The other thing is that I have been able to control the outcomes of a lot of things that I probably should not have controlled. In one of Melody Beattie's books, she talks about this woman whose mother used to call her at school when she was a child and tell her she was going to kill herself. The kid would run home and turn off the oven and so she had this perception that she was keeping her mom alive - in the book, Beattie said in recovery this woman learned that she did not have the power over others, but she didn't say how the woman interpreted her experience of saving her mother over and over again. I could give a lot of examples where I intervened and evidently "saved the day." That might not have been spiritually appropriate in the big picture, but when you have those kinds of experiences then it is difficult to know when control is good and when it is not (the Serenity prayer dilemma). You are supposed to ask God or whomever to advise you on the difference between what you can control or should control and what you shouldn't, but I never hear from God - and I know as a Buddhist you don't believe in God, so how are you supposed to know what you should "change" and what you should not change (I think for moms this is a very difficult question, cuz moms can and do change a lot of stuff).