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Old 02-18-2012, 01:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

Broken hearted and betrayed


Some of you know my story and what I have gone through, others don't. To sum it up, was in a six year realationship with an addict who was on and off sobriety. A year ago I decided to move out because i was tired of being lied to and told him to work on ourselves, we still saw each other even though my family and friends didn't know because I was afraid of what they would think if I went back to him. After 9 months of this he said fight for me with your family! Tell them I have changed, I thought he should of been the one to do that. He proved he was sober and I agreed.

I agreed and said ok, then out of no where he said he was never was gonna stop drinking and didn't have a problem. He was one of the lucky few who could control it after all these years. I started to ball my eyes out and said I don't understand, I thought u loved me? Then he told me he started seeing someone else and she dosent judge him and god blessed him with het. Talk about a knife to the heart!! 6 years of memories good and bad and unconditional love on my part and throws it away and told me to never talk to him again. I haven't stopped crying since.... That was a month ago.

I should of known better to just walk away and not cate but I can't stop thinking about him and thinking how the man I love and fought for is with someone else. I went on Facebook which was a mistake, looked him up today and.... I feel all the progress I made is gone when I saw those photos he is happy and in love and she is glowing and so is she, as I am in the darkest place of my life. Please help me understand why he did this to me and how to move forward. All I want to do is go over to his house and kick him in his balls and cuss at him and cry. But what's the point... Sigh
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Old 02-18-2012, 03:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Rae,

He did this because he wants a mommy, she does not judge him, does not complain, she is happy to have doormat written across her forehead, why should he put up with someone who has self-esteem and will call him out on his crap when he can take the easy road.

I know it hurts, my wife cheated on me for a long time, when I finally caught on and called her out she just moved out, she was going to milk it for as long as she could so she could divert money away from our joint accounts.

Did I want to burn his house down with them asleep in it, hell yeah I did, but to what end, I moped around for awhile, then I got into counseling, pulled myself together, started dating again, and married a wonderful woman and now we have two great kids.

I think you dodged a huge bullet, do not think of this as wasted time, think of it as a life lesson.

If you need to talk or you just want to talk about how men are pigs, well I will be glad to listen.

Big hugs to you,

Bill
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Old 02-18-2012, 03:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You dodged a fatal bullet.You should be grateful that this
Poor "happy pictures on Facebook" woman took the bullet
instead of you.
I am sure she is totally pleased with her great victory of
winning the heart of this great catch! Let her be happy---let
her believe that he IS a "great catch"
Because you and I both know the horrific price she will
pay in the very near future.Accelerating toward a brick wall
at 90mph.....there comes a point where it would not matter
if she tried to brake or not.
What difference does it make if she hits the brake and
Hits at 88mph?
You dodged a huge bullet and you should be very,very
grateful for that.......all of your SR friends know what you are
going through---and that it hurts.
But don't you dare be envious of her.
Be thankful----this unsuspecting gal took the fatal
Bullet that was meant for you!

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Old 02-18-2012, 05:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I remember when I had to walk away from the addict I loved, and people who tried to help me would encourage me by telling me I just dodged a disaster, it was God protecting me, that life just did me a favor. They wanted me to feel better, so they said these things.

But their words just didn't help me. I was in too much pain. I saw my abf not as a disaster, but as someone so unique and extraordinary that i thought he was irreplaceable. I could not see myself as fortunate or protected, now that he was gone. (And I walked away from him only because he had made it clear I was unimportant to him. Not because I had any special strength but only because I had given up and could not stay for more pain).

So I can't tell you you are fortunate. I didn't feel that way in my pain. I hurt too much, at first.

All I can share is that I stayed away. I told myself I would not contact him, I would not find out about anything happening in his life, I would block all information and I would force myself to stay away. I knew it was the best thing and I did it. I was nauseous all the time and cried constantly but I was determined I would stay away from him.

I knew, in my gut and from recovery, that I am powerless to control a drug addict. I knew he had a mental disease, that he was driven by extreme selfish and self-centered thinking, and that other people did not matter to him unless they in some way supported and encouraged his addiction.

I am determined I will not, ever, enable an addict. And putting up with his narcissism and indifference would have been not only enabling him to his destruction, but I would have been--just he was-- extremely selfish and narcissistic.

I would have wanted him to be with me for ME. Even though it is an absolute fact that enablers keep the addiction thriving while it eats up the addict. If I had enabled him in order to keep him, I would have been as selfish as he is in his addiction.

You are not enabling him today. Hold your head high. In spite of terrible grief and devastation, you are choosing to do the right thing because it is the right thing for you BOTH.

The other girl in the picture: she is helping him to his grave if she does not make abstinence a requirement for relationship. It is sadly unlikely that she will do that right thing. She will likely help hasten him on his path of destruction. To be with him she will have to be okay with his drugging. Those are his terms.

Those terms are not acceptable to you. Hold your head high.

God has not abandoned you. Allow your story more time, tell yourself you will get through the days no matter what, and you will see: more will be revealed. Just survive and you will know more.

Eat well, wrap up and sleep, sit with friends who will let you cry and won't preach at you, and you will understand more, by and by.
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Old 02-21-2012, 12:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you so much ENGLISHGARDEN, your advice gave me comport. It lets me know that I am not alone and the only who had to walk away from love. You were right when you said...

I saw my abf not as a disaster, but as someone so unique and extraordinary that i thought he was irreplaceable. I could not see myself as fortunate or protected, now that he was gone. (And I walked away from him only because he had made it clear I was unimportant to him. Not because I had any special strength but only because I had given up and could not stay for more pain). [/

He made it clear that I was not worth fighting for anymore, so why would I want to be with somone who doesnt want to be with me. He choose the easy road...the road that would let him self distruct and I didnt want to wait for the man I love to go down in flames like i had so many times before. I pray everyday and night, god is the only thing getting me through this. Thank you.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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  1. Facebook lies.
  2. It won't last.
  3. Six years from now she'll be doing the same thing you're doing now.
  4. Don't find another alcoholic. Have him be the last.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Rae,

You had posted on my thread a few days ago about how similar our current situations are. I just wanted to send you a note about a realization I had only yesterday while I was thinking about how terrible I felt that I left my alcoholic boyfriend. I kept going back and forth in my head about how even though I'm pretty sure that leaving someone who becomes abusive to you is the right thing to do, I still feel badly that I did not stick it through with him and be there with him into recovery and support him like couples are supposed to do for each other. And then it sort of dawned on me that I didn't leave him -- he left me. He left me the second he chose to replace the man I loved with an angry, selfish, loveless, pitiful, horrible monster.

So when you say that you "had to walk away from love," I think it's the opposite. He walked away from love. You walked away from lovelessness. Good for you.

I do empathize with still feeling that my ex is extraordinary and irreplaceable. I'm still not over feeling like that about him... at least about the person he was before the alcohol took over his life. I can also identify with the horrible feeling you get when you see facebook photos of him with his new gf. That's the reason I deleted my ex as a facebook friend. But yes, facebook lies. The photos that I saw show two beautiful happy people and felt to me like a giant "F you" from the both of them. Yet my ex told me the last time I talked to him that he and his girlfriend fight all the time, he doesn't love her the way he thinks he should, and that he's in this relationship mainly because he got sober while in it and is afraid that he'll lose his sobriety if he leaves. Yeah, I shouldn't really envy her.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Unless you find out why an Alcoholic was somehow appealling to you....you are bound to end up with another addict.

Alanon...they will help you. They will comfort you and listen while you cry about the loss of the illusion of what could of been. You are one of us. Now you need to heal.
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Old 12-10-2016, 08:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank u

I am crying ..this story echos my own. I've cried everyday for the past two months missing my beautiful ex crack addict boyfriend who I thought loved me and would possibly share a future with. Up until a month ago, while he has been in recovery we were still talking and trying to figure things out...in just three days he met someone in his recovery and is now with her. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. I've researched narcissistic behavior in adddicts...as sad as makes me, I am beginning to accept that there is no way back. I hope God is protecting me...I hope I have dodged a bullet. I also wish God would help him to heal and he would find his way back. My heart goes out to you and all the broken hearts on here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
I remember when I had to walk away from the addict I loved, and people who tried to help me would encourage me by telling me I just dodged a disaster, it was God protecting me, that life just did me a favor. They wanted me to feel better, so they said these things.

But their words just didn't help me. I was in too much pain. I saw my abf not as a disaster, but as someone so unique and extraordinary that i thought he was irreplaceable. I could not see myself as fortunate or protected, now that he was gone. (And I walked away from him only because he had made it clear I was unimportant to him. Not because I had any special strength but only because I had given up and could not stay for more pain).

So I can't tell you you are fortunate. I didn't feel that way in my pain. I hurt too much, at first.

All I can share is that I stayed away. I told myself I would not contact him, I would not find out about anything happening in his life, I would block all information and I would force myself to stay away. I knew it was the best thing and I did it. I was nauseous all the time and cried constantly but I was determined I would stay away from him.

I knew, in my gut and from recovery, that I am powerless to control a drug addict. I knew he had a mental disease, that he was driven by extreme selfish and self-centered thinking, and that other people did not matter to him unless they in some way supported and encouraged his addiction.

I am determined I will not, ever, enable an addict. And putting up with his narcissism and indifference would have been not only enabling him to his destruction, but I would have been--just he was-- extremely selfish and narcissistic.

I would have wanted him to be with me for ME. Even though it is an absolute fact that enablers keep the addiction thriving while it eats up the addict. If I had enabled him in order to keep him, I would have been as selfish as he is in his addiction.

You are not enabling him today. Hold your head high. In spite of terrible grief and devastation, you are choosing to do the right thing because it is the right thing for you BOTH.

The other girl in the picture: she is helping him to his grave if she does not make abstinence a requirement for relationship. It is sadly unlikely that she will do that right thing. She will likely help hasten him on his path of destruction. To be with him she will have to be okay with his drugging. Those are his terms.

Those terms are not acceptable to you. Hold your head high.

God has not abandoned you. Allow your story more time, tell yourself you will get through the days no matter what, and you will see: more will be revealed. Just survive and you will know more.

Eat well, wrap up and sleep, sit with friends who will let you cry and won't preach at you, and you will understand more, by and by.
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Old 12-11-2016, 11:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you all of posting. I needed this today. I have been deeply depressed and crying again over leaving my xabf.
This pain is unbearable.
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Old 12-11-2016, 11:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Just a heads up, the posts in this thread are almost 5 years old--unlikely you'll get any responses from the original posters.
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Old 12-11-2016, 11:24 AM   #12 (permalink)
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That's a great post from EnglishGarden, I'm glad you bumped up this thread even though it's old. It can probably help some people today.
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Old 12-11-2016, 01:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Alcoholics cling to enablers, people who help them continue drinking. I hate to say don't take it personally, but that's it in a nutshell. Active alcoholics are incapable of having even moderately healthy relationships.
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