daughter08

Hi, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm thankful for the support I have found in this forum. I hope you are doing well and are staying strong.

So, I'm a university student. When my father is sober (most of the time, stereotypically "functional alcoholic"), he:
- watches a movie
- talks about politics
- goes to bed

Today, he:
- offered to get me an additional expensive gift for the holidays
- grocery shopped for my favorite food
- cooked one of my favorite meals for me
- teased me in a "dad" way
- talked about taking my family on a trip next year
- was affectionate

and I was enjoying it a lot, until I realized that something was a bit sketchy.. and then I realized he wasn't sober.

I'm very upset, and I feel guilty because I know he's always provided for me and loves me and all that, but it's hard when the only time my father seems like more of the stereotypical father is when he's tipsy/drunk, and otherwise he's a "silent manly father who loves me in silence" type. I just got my hopes up so much and got so excited and then realizing it's all because of his addiction just broke my heart a bit.

Can anyone relate? Am I over-reacting ? I guess he either feels more uninhibited when he drinks, or maybe he felt guilty for it so he started doing all this nice stuff. I made the comment to my mother who told me that I was exaggerating and trying to victimize myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

LexieCat

Hi, there, and welcome.

One thing you have to understand about alcoholics, and that is that they only feel "normal" when they are drinking. Unless and until they do the recovery work necessary to get sober and learn to live that way, happily, they are miserable when they aren't drinking. It's like eating or breathing.

I'd suggest you learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and that you also check out Al-Anon meetings, for family and friends of alcoholics. It isn't to get the alcoholic sober, because there's very little anyone can do unless and until they decide they want it, but it can make your life better.

mylifeismine

I don't believe you are exaggerating or trying to victimize yourself.

I think you are not in denial and are seeing things the way they really
are. Not the easy road to take in the short run, but oh for the long run-
definitely. Get the support you need where you can, alanon, as suggested.

There is a lot of great info in the stickies too. Also check out
other forums tailored for adult children of alcoholics on here
as well.

Guilt is for when you have done something wrong, which you haven't.
Good for you for keeping it real

ByHisLove

I can identify from the other side. I'm an opiate addict and I have three small children. When I'm on opiates, I'm fun, patient, relaxed, I have energy. When I'm not on opiates, I'm boring, short-tempered, anxious and lazy. Because of the drug abuse I lost normal coping mechanisms. I was so mentally and physically unstable that I wasn't able to be there for my kids the way I should have been. I believe I was emotionally neglectful to them and I have alot of guilt to work through about that.

By the grace of God, I was finally able to ask for help. I'm on suboxone and in therapy to relearn coping skills and how to feel normal sober and to work through the guilt and anger surrounding my addiction.

I agree with the other posts that you should go to AlAnon to learn how to take care of yourself. You can't change him, can't make him stop, but you can learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. I believe that addiction is a disease and not a choice, and I'm sure he feels terrible for not being able to be the father he wants to be and the father you deserve - I know I do.

Hang in there. You'll find alot of amazing people here that will support you. Pray for his recovery, God does amazing things. 💝

daughter08

I wish you the best in your recovery. Thank you for your message and your perspective.

daughter08

Thank you for your message. The idea of only feeling normal when drinking is something I hadn't considered but that everyone seems to bring up on this thread.. I'll definitely consider it more.

daughter08

Thank you for reassuring me I'm completely within my right to feel the way I feel.

honeypig

Daughter, please do make some time to read around this forum. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either--there is a lot of information and education to be gained. The comment above about an A feeling normal only when he's drinking is an example of the kind of thing you will pick up from checking out the stickies and other people's stories. Educating yourself about alcoholism is one of the first ways you can begin to help yourself.

I always encourage newer folks to read, read, read--your situation is not unique and you are not alone. Reading other people's threads will bring that home to you pretty quickly. Taking part by posting to other people's threads, even if only to say "I'm sorry that happened; it must be hard" or "Glad you're doing well", is helpful too.

Also, there is a forum section specifically for family members of A's. You might find it useful to take a look over there, too, since there are some differences when it comes to dealing w/an A family member versus an A spouse/partner. Here's the link: Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics (Parents, Sons and Daughters, Siblings) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Glad you remembered us and came back. Hope you find what you need.

honeypig

Also wanted to add that XAH was this same way in the early-mid portion of our 20+ years together. He'd go to his weekly get-together w/his card-playing friends and would always be extra affectionate and call me by pet names when he came back. I knew in the back of my mind that it was alcohol-related, and I knew on some level that it wasn't "right", but I pushed that away as being uncomfortable and unpleasant to deal with. All that did was allow me to deal with it years later...

Ariesagain

I just want to say that you're a perceptive and wise person to see through the facade and to value authenticity. Those instincts will serve you well...trust them and trust yourself.

I grew up with a father who was most often a moody, controlling dry drunk but then a funny, charming sweetheart when he was drinking. I always knew something was off, from a very young age, but my mother's devotion to "positive thinking" (read denial) is unrivaled, so she always tells us how happy and lucky our family is. It's confusing and it makes you question your own sanity...don't do that.

Sending you a hug.

Ap052183

So my dad was an opiate addict and my ex was an alcoholic so here is my insight...substance abuse leads to instability in every aspect of their life including personality. The reality is he has no idea who he is because he's self medicated and created a facade for so long. He creates what he thinks others need. He probably is actually somewhere in between the drunk and the sober guy. Sober dad is angry and distant, feels terrible, drinks and overcompensates to attempt to make up for his behavior. Either way you are in no way responsible for his behavior. After years of this kind of stuff I grew up thinking I could control my dad's emotions. I wanted so bad to make him happy, to stop sleeping all day, and to not worry. It's not your burden. I wish someone would have told me that.