Is it hopeless?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
Is it hopeless?
My husband and I had a huge fight last night about his alcohol affecting our relationship. I should have known better than to pick the fight but I was pushed over the edge and couldn't hold back. I told him I wasn't staying in our unhappy relationship forever and I needed to see him make some changes. He told me he's been trying to make changes but he couldn't. He told me that drinking was a part of him and I needed to accept it. Then he started on a long spout about how our relationship will end anyways because he has always lost anything good in his life and he was waiting for this to end too. I told him he could take control of his life but he says it's just his luck. He claims that everyone is against him, even his own mother. He claims that he's had such a hard life and that's why he drinks. . . . to cope. He told me that the only reason he hasn't shot himself in the head is because of me and our daughter. He says he wants our relationship to work but yet he's not willing to work towards it. He told me he would try.
On my way home from work today, I drove by the bar and his truck was in the parking lot. I feel so hopeless. I feel so exhausted. I want this to work so bad but he's more interested in feeling sorry for himself and not taking control of his life.
Is it hopeless that he's not willing to try? Are there any other tactics that I can try to make this work?
On my way home from work today, I drove by the bar and his truck was in the parking lot. I feel so hopeless. I feel so exhausted. I want this to work so bad but he's more interested in feeling sorry for himself and not taking control of his life.
Is it hopeless that he's not willing to try? Are there any other tactics that I can try to make this work?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A tactic you might try is to take your focus off him and just keep working your own program.
He will continue to blame anyone except himself, and there is no hope in changing that. Only he can do that and that won't happen until he is ready to surrender.
You are in no way responsible for his addiction. But you are responsible for your own health, and I promise that the "sick feeling" will happen less and less, the more you work a program for yourself.
Hit some meetings and do positive things for yourself, and let go of his addiction and behaviour.
The most important thing I learned, early in my program, was that I could not live in my son's disease and my recovery at the same time. So I chose my recovery, and I have never looked back.
Hugs
Ann
He will continue to blame anyone except himself, and there is no hope in changing that. Only he can do that and that won't happen until he is ready to surrender.
You are in no way responsible for his addiction. But you are responsible for your own health, and I promise that the "sick feeling" will happen less and less, the more you work a program for yourself.
Hit some meetings and do positive things for yourself, and let go of his addiction and behaviour.
The most important thing I learned, early in my program, was that I could not live in my son's disease and my recovery at the same time. So I chose my recovery, and I have never looked back.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Wish
I can't tell you how many times I heard that same sad song from Spicoli. It all amounts to the childhood lament:
Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Or in their case...
Guess I'll go down a bottle.
These are the "people of the lie" as M. Scott Peck says.
You can choose to get sucked into their ongoing drama, or choose to get out and start living life the way you want it.
That may sound impossible to you right now. But I promise you that one day at a time, it really is possible.
You are a good person and you deserve to be happy.
Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.
Then do something nice for yourself the next day.
You will be amazed at how much fun it is.
Peace,
Gabe
Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
Or in their case...
Guess I'll go down a bottle.
These are the "people of the lie" as M. Scott Peck says.
You can choose to get sucked into their ongoing drama, or choose to get out and start living life the way you want it.
That may sound impossible to you right now. But I promise you that one day at a time, it really is possible.
You are a good person and you deserve to be happy.
Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.
Then do something nice for yourself the next day.
You will be amazed at how much fun it is.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Remember... praciticing alcoholics are masters of manipulation!
So he gave you the "poor me I'm hopeless, I can't help myself, you can't leave me" quack aye?
What he means is he's a drunk and can't find the courage or resolve to seek out help as it may be an eensy weensy bit to hard. Nothing, will change till he has his day of realization with himself, and I mean nothing. He'll continue to make you feel miserable, blame your for not understanding and helping him, and shatter all your self worth you have left.
Please... please... please.. seek out the help of Al-Anon, you'll learn to take care of yourself, set boundries and become a strong self assured woman when you stand firm and strong in front of him during another blithering story of "the poor him's".. be strong, this problem of his is totaly about him... so take care of you!
My name is Chy and I'm an alcoholic.
So he gave you the "poor me I'm hopeless, I can't help myself, you can't leave me" quack aye?
What he means is he's a drunk and can't find the courage or resolve to seek out help as it may be an eensy weensy bit to hard. Nothing, will change till he has his day of realization with himself, and I mean nothing. He'll continue to make you feel miserable, blame your for not understanding and helping him, and shatter all your self worth you have left.
Please... please... please.. seek out the help of Al-Anon, you'll learn to take care of yourself, set boundries and become a strong self assured woman when you stand firm and strong in front of him during another blithering story of "the poor him's".. be strong, this problem of his is totaly about him... so take care of you!
My name is Chy and I'm an alcoholic.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Listen to these ladies because it is the truth!
The words that were spoken to you are the same as what my son says to me. They are the same as countless other alcoholics or addicts. You see...they are not unigue...they are are actually very typical of each other. The thing about it is that THEY don't know it when they are dealing with their addiction.
Concentrate on you and your answers will be there.
Hugs,
JT
The words that were spoken to you are the same as what my son says to me. They are the same as countless other alcoholics or addicts. You see...they are not unigue...they are are actually very typical of each other. The thing about it is that THEY don't know it when they are dealing with their addiction.
Concentrate on you and your answers will be there.
Hugs,
JT
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi wish...
Welcome
You have no idea how frighteningly common of a situation this is - time and time again, my husband and I would get into fights, "discussions", crying / sobbing episodes over his drinking. HE would say how horrible of a person he is; ask why I'm still with him; talk about how he wants to die... and I would be SURE he is ready to stop - He MUST see the logic in it!! BUT... there he is, the very next day, at the bar and off to the dealers house. I cannot even count on my fingers how many times I have been through it.
This is what an A does - this is very common behavior. Partly because it's true what the've told us; They DO feel shame and self-hate... This is how their disease plays out. They self-medicate, and they keep on doing it.
And partly because an A will do and say anything to anyone, as long as it gets them what they need. I used to think that MY A was not like this... MY A was more responsible, honest, caring. But the truth is, he is an A - there is no exception.
So, now is the time for YOU.
Like Ann said, you have a responsiblity here... But NOT to him. You have to be responsible for yourself, and stop playing his game.
OOOPS...
I just realized that I was in such a hurry to reply that I did not read all of the responses - looks like it's already been said! MAN, you ladies are SMART! :p
Take care
Meg
Welcome
You have no idea how frighteningly common of a situation this is - time and time again, my husband and I would get into fights, "discussions", crying / sobbing episodes over his drinking. HE would say how horrible of a person he is; ask why I'm still with him; talk about how he wants to die... and I would be SURE he is ready to stop - He MUST see the logic in it!! BUT... there he is, the very next day, at the bar and off to the dealers house. I cannot even count on my fingers how many times I have been through it.
This is what an A does - this is very common behavior. Partly because it's true what the've told us; They DO feel shame and self-hate... This is how their disease plays out. They self-medicate, and they keep on doing it.
And partly because an A will do and say anything to anyone, as long as it gets them what they need. I used to think that MY A was not like this... MY A was more responsible, honest, caring. But the truth is, he is an A - there is no exception.
So, now is the time for YOU.
Like Ann said, you have a responsiblity here... But NOT to him. You have to be responsible for yourself, and stop playing his game.
OOOPS...
I just realized that I was in such a hurry to reply that I did not read all of the responses - looks like it's already been said! MAN, you ladies are SMART! :p
Take care
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
HUGS....nothing changes if nothing changes.....It's like a dance. You are doing a walz and the A is doing the tango....IF You start changing the way you do things, thinking things out, responding to him, learn to use new tools such as Al-Anon's and He will either have to change or get sick enough to get help all on his own.....
It seems to me that all of us could continue to run around saying I am the way I am because.......til pigs fly....but somer or later I had to kill the "dragon " and get real with myself , stop blaming everything on someone else and get serious about my recovery...
Working the Al-Anon program has given me the tools to use and knowledge of when to use them so I GOT HEALTHIER.....anything anyone else gets out of it is theirs...All I know today is that I AM HAPPIER, MORE SERENE, MORE AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. My only regret is that I was 45 before I even started this journey I am on today...
Please give yourself a great Christmas present...the present of a healthier you....
Love and prayers,
Daffy
It seems to me that all of us could continue to run around saying I am the way I am because.......til pigs fly....but somer or later I had to kill the "dragon " and get real with myself , stop blaming everything on someone else and get serious about my recovery...
Working the Al-Anon program has given me the tools to use and knowledge of when to use them so I GOT HEALTHIER.....anything anyone else gets out of it is theirs...All I know today is that I AM HAPPIER, MORE SERENE, MORE AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. My only regret is that I was 45 before I even started this journey I am on today...
Please give yourself a great Christmas present...the present of a healthier you....
Love and prayers,
Daffy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Ahhhhh.......you had a meaningful conversation, as we say. No, there are not "tactics." Yes, there is hope.
Go to Al-Anon meetings. Learn the facts about alcoholism. Attend meetings often. Pray.
Don't.......bring up the past, nag, scold or complain.
This is just a taste of what Al-Anon teaches us. More to come. I hope you attend a meeting soon.......
Go to Al-Anon meetings. Learn the facts about alcoholism. Attend meetings often. Pray.
Don't.......bring up the past, nag, scold or complain.
This is just a taste of what Al-Anon teaches us. More to come. I hope you attend a meeting soon.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CO
Posts: 32
thanks
Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses. I know I do need to take care of myself and I think I'm doing so for the most part. My biggest issue right now is trying to figure out if I want to live in this state forever. I do a good job of letting his comments go in one ear and out the other.
After our most recent "discussion" (which I decided I'm done having), I thought I would take a step by arranging for a date for us. Before leaving, I ran to the store for a few groceries and picked up the babysitter. About 1/2 later, I came home and he was slurring his words. Needless to say, I drove to our "nice night out at a restaurant". On the way there, I told him how his brother called me at work to tell me about some really cheap flights and that we should go see him. He smirked and said "I knew you guys had something going on. You've been with him, haven't you?" His brother lives in Alaska and I've seen him about 5 times my entire life. I couldn't believe my ears.
The rest of the night, all he would talk about is how big of an idiot he is. I asked him why he couldn't let the sarcastic comments slide for just this one night out, our night together, alone. I asked him to say one nice, positive thing. He sarcastically said "I love you". I told him to say something nice about himself. He said he couldn't.
THIS is what I'm so sick of. If I had to deal with just the drinking part of it, I could learn to have this in my life, but it's the negative, condescending, manipulative, self pity crap that I can't. I have absolutely no respect left for him.
UGH!
Thank you for your responses. I know I do need to take care of myself and I think I'm doing so for the most part. My biggest issue right now is trying to figure out if I want to live in this state forever. I do a good job of letting his comments go in one ear and out the other.
After our most recent "discussion" (which I decided I'm done having), I thought I would take a step by arranging for a date for us. Before leaving, I ran to the store for a few groceries and picked up the babysitter. About 1/2 later, I came home and he was slurring his words. Needless to say, I drove to our "nice night out at a restaurant". On the way there, I told him how his brother called me at work to tell me about some really cheap flights and that we should go see him. He smirked and said "I knew you guys had something going on. You've been with him, haven't you?" His brother lives in Alaska and I've seen him about 5 times my entire life. I couldn't believe my ears.
The rest of the night, all he would talk about is how big of an idiot he is. I asked him why he couldn't let the sarcastic comments slide for just this one night out, our night together, alone. I asked him to say one nice, positive thing. He sarcastically said "I love you". I told him to say something nice about himself. He said he couldn't.
THIS is what I'm so sick of. If I had to deal with just the drinking part of it, I could learn to have this in my life, but it's the negative, condescending, manipulative, self pity crap that I can't. I have absolutely no respect left for him.
UGH!
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Welcome. Trust me, you are NOT alone. Many here have had the same experiences as you. If you haven't had the chance, go and read the "power posts" at the top of the forum. You'll be amazed at how similar the lives and stories are.... and you will find new and interesting ways to take care of yourself and to cope.
Remember, he's an alcoholic. He does what he does and says what he says because he's an alcoholic. You didnt cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is to work on your own program, and find good and positive ways to take care of yourself and your child.
HUGS
Barb
Remember, he's an alcoholic. He does what he does and says what he says because he's an alcoholic. You didnt cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is to work on your own program, and find good and positive ways to take care of yourself and your child.
HUGS
Barb
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