JT

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

This a post by Jon that laid me back. It blew me away because my son called last night and did everything he could to push every button I have. I believe every thing in this post is true and pay attention codies. It is not only true for me or Jon...it is true for you too.

They lie, they steal and they take no prisoners!

If we do not take care of ourselves who will?

For me it was a slight setback but I have been doing this a while. I am getting off the bus. But some of you have just realized that your bus is taking you were you don't want to go. Every bus has stops and you can get off or stay on and go a bit further until the next stop.

Way back before Dr. Phil and my life was in shambles and the Beav's addiction was growing and my marriage was falling apart...even I felt like I had to do 100% to "earn my way out of a relationship". Those were not my words then, but Dr Phil has a way of saying things in few words.

The only way to do that is to make yourself well, get your own self in order so you can make decisions. The alternative is leaping and then looking back and wondering if you did the right thing.

That is why our program is about us.

I am in a mood...ask anyone!
JT

JT

I SAID I am in a mood!

Responses???:saywhat?:

smoke gets in my eyes

Eeep?

Gabe

You are in a mood!
Our program is about us. And we found it because we were tired of our lives being all about other people. So we took the appropriate steps to once again hear the voice of our true selves. Somehow, when you live with a substance abuser, you develop a deaf ear to that wonderful voice. But then, after all the chaos, you hear it again. And it's like coming home.
As Randy Newman said:
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

Home is a very good place.
Peace,
Gabe

Ann

I hear ya too, JT. And I too finally got off the bus, but not before I took the full tour...past the "why's and "what if's", past the "if only's" and "should have's", past the resentments, past the bail outs, past the "one more chances" and when the tour was over, I found that recovery began with ME and I learned to walk the path of serenity. No more bus trips for me, thank you very much.

I am so grateful for Jon, and others like him, who just tell it like it is. So many times he has told me exactly what I needed to hear. And when I took the cotton out of my ears, I discovered the wisdom in those words.

Grateful Hugs
Ann

journeygal

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I first read Jon's post. Seeing it in black and white (well, black and blue) was a bit more reality than I think I wanted to hear. But as Ann said, I'm sure it was something I needed to hear and be reminded of.

Ugh...:saywhat?:

Alongtimegone

Jon's post "chested me right up," too. It even made me laugh at myself and at the times I have been upset when an addict "zigged" when I expected him/her to "zag."
The good news is that I pay more attnetion to myself, recover quicker, and look at myself rather than at the other.
Life is better in so many ways.

Thanks, Jon! And, of course, to everyone here who constantly gives me fresh perspective!

JT

:soapbox

myles1

I've been asking myself why I have gone through my life expecting sick people to behave like well people. It seems to have been a pattern with me.

That was a good post from Jon.

Ngaire

Daffodil

Thanks JT...you make me seem so normal when I don't even know how far off track I really am....Jon's reply really openned my eyes too....I always seem to need to hear it over and over like one of Bill Cosby's brain damaged kids....I keep falling for the broken promises, then when I am black and blue all over I get it again for awhile.....

Since you already have the bus stopped can I get off now too?

Thank you Jon for being who you are and where you are...In a month of mircles YOU CERTAINLY ARE ONE .....Remember we all need candles; please keep the flame burning Jon.

JT.... you can be in any kind of mood you want as long as you keep coming back here.....
Love Ya!
Aunt Daffy

EmotionalMeg

How can you deny the brutal truth of THIS one?!
Jon, you ARE a miracle... not just because of your triumphs in life, but because you are willing to share and listen to all of us!

BTW JT... Isn't there a rule for WARNING us before your moods hit?!! There is a "warning" rule in MY house :p

Take care
Meg

12stepmarce

I love recovery mostly because it's helped me respond, not react, to people. I now have the ability to size em' up. I recognize patterns of behavior. I know they are just doing their deal. It's way, way cool!

No victims in life......just volunteers. This information was always readily available, but I was so self-will run riot, I refused to see it. None of my choices was forced. Not one.

I have no reason to whine or complain.

I can change any choice at any time.........

Life is a series of challenges. Most of them lead to a better way of life.

I don't think there are any big deals now.....including.......alcoholics. They are just our version of attempting the impossible. *hehe

Most people have to learn. Human is human. We aren't God. Let's just relax and enjoy our humanness. Let God be God.

JT

Meg,

OMG!!! I was fighting with a computer with Ward looking over my shoulder when the Beav called. To my detriment I got into a war of words with him regarding the type of parent I am and the type of son he is. NOT A GOOD THING!!

I came here and that post is one of the first things I read...I wanted to drop kick Ward, the computer, and the Beav in no particular order.

My son is like me...he will kill you with logic...but the trouble is his logic is pickled and he places blame inappropriately. DUH!! I don't know...I should have known better but caller ID is not on that phone, Ward is the one who picked up and I got blindsided. Excuses, excuses!

I have let him go in the biggest way...now I have to learn to have a relationship with him outside of his alcoholism. Stick to "How is work??" type of conversations. He was sober when he called and that is almost worse. If he is drunk I can easily dismiss his words, but sober is a bit more dicey. That post of Jon slapped me upside the head. Something I have never done is share with Ward any of this board but I printed that one out for him to read.

It was something I need to read at the very moment I read it.

Those are the miracles of this program!
Hugs,
JT

Rose56

Wow! A powerful post. Boy Jon's words really pack a punch - do I have any breath left? I also like the phrase "earn my way out of a relationship". Wow that one hits me hard too, so true of my thinking. What a dicy yet wonderful world we live in. yes?

boo

Wow. What Jon wrote--A has done all of that and all of that has affected me and allowed me to feel as rotten as I have been this fall.

It is just so hard for me to REALLY understand that the effects of hurt etc. the A is having on someone like me may not be how the A perceives his effect. Because I have been so fooled by the "fairy tale" times. If I could get the idea out of my head and heart that he said he was crazy about me and ACTED crazy about me for 5 months, how could he just swtich to ignoring me? It is hard for me to accept that as addiciton because I also think it speaks of character-a cowardly one.

who said EEEP? That hurt too! I know you didn't know that. That is what A would say joing around pretending to be a bird who wants a worm (kiss). Memories...

bookworm

Jon's post was a real eye-opener - I've saved it and I'll be reading it regularly.

I had so much much hope once upon a time - now I need to get real and Jon's helped me do just that. The decisions I need to make are the hardest I've ever had to make but I'm hoping that with the help of the people in Al-Anon and the programme, I can keep myself from the funny white men in the strait jackets...

Thanx
Sa xx

JT

Boo,

Read that post again...there is nothing in it that is unclear. An addict does what they do to get what they want. If you cannot get the idea out of your head that he was crazy about you for five months then you are doomed to be hurt again. The point of Jon's post, as I took it, was they do whatever they have to do to get whatever they want...and they take no prisoner's.

You are right about it being cowardly because it is.

You know what? Your life is yours but I hope you give some thought to this. Even if you break up with this guy you will likely end up with another one like him.

5 months?? I have been doing this 20 years!
(((Hugs)))
JT

osier59

JT,

That last part of your post is the one that scares me the MOST. I have been thru 2 already and am working on #3. The first 2 husbands came from alcoholic homes, one drank and one was a dry drunk. #3 has been in recovery for 20+ yrs (and to my credit, I HAVENT married this one yet , so I'd like to think that after many yrs of working an al anon program, that my "picker" is getting better. Time will tell. I do know that Al Anon has taught me a to understand about boundaries, and enabling, etc etc. and that I have to continue to work MY program on a regular basis in order for ME to remain sane.

You and Jon and Ann and the others are such an inspiration to me. Thanks for your open and honest approach to life - warts and all.

HUGS
O59

Ann

Moving this back up for the newcomers

JT

The elevator is going to the top!