astepaway

I've been lurking in these forums for almost 2 years & can't tell you how much reading them has helped me see that I'm not alone in this. I've been married to my AH for almost 16 years...together almost 20-throughout this time he's been addicted to pot-quit cold turkey about 10 years ago or so & then started drinking. For the past couple of years I have known that in time I was going to have to do what I have finally done(or started to do)...get out of our marriage. This past weekend I finally told him that I was done-our marriage is over-that he needs to leave our house or I will. It's taken almost an entire week but I think it's finally sinking in & he's moving out this weekend. He's been sober all week & keeps telling me he wants me to give him "one more final & forever chance" to change...that I mean the world to him...he can't imagine living without me or our son.......& I sit there listening to him & find I have very little compassion for how hurt he seems. It's not as if I haven't told him many many times in the past year how unhappy I am-that his drinking is killing our marriage-why didn't he take me seriously when I was willing to do whatever I could to keep our marriage going? He tells me he can quit drinking...that he WILL quit drinking...he really wants to change....& I've realized that I'm past where it's just about his drinking...now it's about wanting to be happy in MY life, to be at peace in MY life & that I'm not able to love him the way he wants me to love him anymore~because watching him drink & remembering things he's said or done has slowly killed the love I used to have for him. I do hope he can make the changes he needs to-for our son though, not for me. What is kind of bothering me though is the fact that I don't feel very upset about seperating from him....I've hardly shed a tear...& it just seems like something this life changing should be affecting me more. Is this normal? Maybe it'll come later, idk...or maybe I've just had enough time (at least a year) to come to terms with this decision.

Anyway...just wanted to stop in..Im sure I'll be back.
Astepaway

naive

perhaps you've already done your grieving in the last few years.

you sound ready for your new peaceful life!

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, astepaway. So sorry for the situation that brought you here, but you are certainly not alone.

Grief is a funny thing - it ebbs and flows when we least expect it to. I can't tell you what is normal and what isn't...emotions don't fall into neat little categories. But I can say you obviously have had a lot of time to think and process your situation. It may be as simple as that!

Hope you keep coming back and find this place a comfort and wealth of resources like I have. It has truly been a lifesaver for me many times over.

Take good care,
~T

whatamess

Well done for being so strong and taking care of you and your son.

I am in a similar position and haven't shed a tear yet. It feels more of a relief and taking control of my life ie a positive step rather than a negative one. Maybe it is similar for you?

Still, don't be surprised if you have some downs as well as ups.

Sending you lots of support.

Sarati05

((Astepaway))

I'm in the very same position as you except I asked my husband to move out last October. He's only next door but the peace and serenity that has come from the choice made it worth it.
I too have spoken with my dh for years about his anger, drinking, being a general @$$, gone to marriage counseling (3 times), kids in therapy, I quit drinking. But he never wanted to do the work.
Instead he distanced himself from our family. Since he travels for work it just made it easy for him to live a dual life. I had no idea he was drinking so much until I found out about his infidelity. Then everything came out.
Oddly, I was/am very saddened and crushed by this news but I am honestly not surprised because of all the other things that he's said and done.

I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone and this isn't only happening to you. I had to tell my husband that he wasn't some special entity that was so unique that I had to deal with it because he was so awesome. I am in the process of divorcing him. It will take a while because we're broke and in debt but as long as he's sober and living not here, I can work on making me a better person while going through this process.

I recently read "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beatty (sp) and it really shed some light on my role in this behavior. It may help you too.
I have also heard that Al-Anon is a Godsend. I have yet to check it out but am building up the courage to go. It's just the 'first time through the door jitters'.

I've gone on long enough. Just know I care and I feel your pain.

~Sarati