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AH got an extreme DUI tonight

Old 02-17-2012, 02:54 AM
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AH got an extreme DUI tonight

Well, it's all coming crashing down now. I can't sleep. He was charged with being over 2 times the legal limit and submitted to a blood test. He ran a red light and was not in his lane(I guess he was straddling the white lines).

He texted me some rambling drunk texts about how I'm not going to be happy with him, etc and wanted me to come pick him up. I didn't even know where he was, I thought he was still out drinking with his friends.

We have a 13 year old son and I homeschool him. AH turned in his license apparently(based on the paperwork he brought home. I read it after he passed out) and the car was impounded. I have no idea how to tell our son. This can change our lives for quite some time as far as court appearances, his having no license, lawyer visits, etc. I feel like I'm reeling and I don't know what to do!

How involved do I get? What is my role here? Do I attend everything or have him ask some friends for driving assistance at times. Do I put my life on hold to drive him everywhere and deal with the fallout? I guess we need a good lawyer, too. I have no idea how to find one. I am so angry but I'm trying so hard to read my Al Anon stuff and someone ask God to provide me with some peace.
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Old 02-17-2012, 03:46 AM
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He's going to feel extreamly bad when he wakes up. This can be a good thing. It is an event that can prompt a radical change in behavior.

He wasn't caught at a "roadblock." He wasn't public intox. The objective evidence is clear--he could have caused a major accident. He could have harmed another person. This will probably come home to him in a strong way.

Do whatever it takes to try to prevent job loss (he will be able to get work driving priviladges in 3 weeks or so) and get the car out of impound ASAP (daily fees willl build up rapidly). Your family finances are very important.

Follow the law 100%---he is forbidden to drive, period.

The need for a lawyer depends upon the offense (is this the first DUI?) and possiable penalities. He will be facing at least some mandatory incarceration (from 3 days to significantly longer, depending on juristiction). Cross each bridge as you come to it, do not become overwhelmed with the big picture. Give him same advise.

As I said, he's gonna feel bad about this. Don't put personal anger on top of the problem, but beyond the above and getting him to court, don't ease the consequences of his actions. Expect him to deal with this as an adult, to come to adult conclusions, and to do the right thing.

If he chooses to make it so, this could be a turning point that improves his life and yours. If he fails to respond effectivly, this could be the beginning of the end. It's up to him. I hope he sees that.
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:02 AM
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i wouldn't do anything. it's his mess, let him clean it up.

it's not up to you to find a lawyer, it's up to him.

i also wouldn't tell your son. he can do that himself.

try to keep your focus on yourself and your son.

he'll be feeling pretty bad when he wakes. when they feel bad, they tend to drink so they don't have to deal with themselves and what's happened. don't be surprised and have a plan for this....perhaps you and DS can go out and see a movie?

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Old 02-17-2012, 04:23 AM
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Based on my personal experiences with my 1st husbands DUI, I agree with Naive.

Remember:

You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not Cure this

The day after at my house was filled with eggshells. I didn't know how to act and neither did he. I didn't understand then about alcolholism. I understand more now. Now I understand that I needed to keep more of my focus on myself and my children than worrying about how my adult partner was going to cope with the fall-out.

He can find the resources, information, and strength to ask for what he needs. This is his opportunity to do the next right thing.

Keep coming back to vent, and ask for the support you need during this time.
You are important!
We care about you!
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Old 02-17-2012, 05:55 AM
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Thank you all for the supportive words. I am not planning on helping him find a lawyer and I would like him to tell our son, but if he balks then I will do it. There's no way to hide this from him at this point.
Laying awake at night, here's how I planned on approaching him(or handling him if he approaches me): Tell him that I'm very angry right now and that I don't have anything nice to say nor can I say anything nicely, but that I will get over it and that I just need some time. Then, I will tell him it's his responsibility to figure out how to get the car out of impound, how to get his license suspension worked with, and then find a really good DUI defense attorney. Then, I will tell him that it's his responsibility to do these things and that I have school work to do with our son and that I plan on going to my Al Anon meeting later in the night.

Truly, I am so livid that I really can't talk to him without going off about how he could have killed someone. He was less than 2 miles from home. He could have hit my friends or neighbors and I'm just at my boiling point. It's best for him to handle his own junk right now because anything I do for him will be done resentfully and I will get more angry at myself for stepping in. This is his mess, he has to clean it up.
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Old 02-17-2012, 06:28 AM
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Because he gave a blood sample the State has 100% proof that he was drunk. Blood samples are extremely reliable. A lawyer will not be able to help much other than maybe reduce some of his consequences. He may use this "incident" as a wake up call or use this as a self pity thing and go on a alcohol bender. Alcoholics tend not to handle negative life events too well.
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Old 02-17-2012, 07:09 AM
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If your name is on the title, get the car out of impound asap, it can be over $100 a day, and you will be liable for the fees, as for the rest of it he's on his own, then tell him if he needs a ride he get buy a bike or ride the bus, otherwise step back and focus on you and your son.

Big hugs and best of luck.
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Old 02-17-2012, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
If your name is on the title, get the car out of impound asap, it can be over $100 a day, and you will be liable for the fees, as for the rest of it he's on his own, then tell him if he needs a ride he get buy a bike or ride the bus, otherwise step back and focus on you and your son.

Big hugs and best of luck.
UGH, this car is only in his name!!! My car has both our names on the title! He has a bike and I guess he better get it tuned up. The nearest store is 2 miles away, though, and he's in sales for work and needs to drive. He also travels to a different city for work and I wonder how this will affect his travel there? Will a different state allow him to rent a car and drive there, etc? So many unanswered questions.
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Old 02-17-2012, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
The nearest store is 2 miles away, though, and he's in sales for work and needs to drive. He also travels to a different city for work and I wonder how this will affect his travel there? Will a different state allow him to rent a car and drive there, etc? So many unanswered questions.
Yes, unanswered questions HE needs to figure out. He screwed up royally and he gets to suffer the consequences of his choices.

IMO, you don't need to TELL him anything, as whatever words come out of your mouth will bounce right off his ears. Time to start taking action, and start to on YOUR needs and your son's needs.

Are you able to get the car out of impound? You will also need to make sure your AH doesn't take the keys from you and drive off with the car at some later date. I would also discuss with your son the danger of getting in the car with his father.
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:18 AM
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Truly, I think at this point the only words coming out of my mouth that I could trust would be, "DS and I are going out and will be gone most of the day."
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:31 AM
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well, based on the above info, it might be in your best interest to get the car out of impound rather than accrue debt.

as for the other questions, i don't think i'd involve myself at all in solving them. i don't even think i'd say "AH, you'll need to take care of these things because i'm not."

i think i would say nothing at all and i would do nothing at all.

by the way, mine got 3 DUIs, so there remains the chance that this is not the end of that particular problem.

seconding nodaybut2day's advice to discuss getting in a car with dad with your DS.
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:05 AM
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If you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you. Let him feel his consequences. Don't stop the bad stuff from happening. Alanon will help you with the dos and don't.
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Old 02-17-2012, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Truly, I think at this point the only words coming out of my mouth that I could trust would be, "DS and I are going out and will be gone most of the day."
Love this!!! I may take him to a movie this afternoon and then go to a new Al Anon meeting at 7. The only thing that might get in the way is if I have to go get his car, technically it's my car now, LOL!
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:44 AM
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Very sorry to hear he's brought this trouble home. It is possible some good may come of it if he's required to enter a program or undergo testing, things which may reduce the frequency of his drinking.
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Old 02-17-2012, 12:24 PM
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One thing he is going to do is make it out like you need to 'fix it'...drive him around, take care of him, make him all better...including covering up for him to your child.

You can't do that. Not if you want to be healthy.

What you can do is ....let him make his own choices. Let him figure out how to get around. Tell your child the truth.
You can't save him. You CAN save yourself ...and your son from his antics.

He will fuss, cry and beg.
He will convince you it's all your fault that he drinks/drank.
and
my favorite.... he will promise you the moon and the sun. He'll say I won't ever drink again. he will beg you not to tell...keep his secrets. ..
and maybe you will...
but remember with every secret you get sicker. You begin to take on a caretaker role of mothering him.
It is not our place to do that.
and when he says your not being supportive...
well here's my standard answer...
"i'm still here aren't I? and you better get on your knees and thank God I am...because I don't HAVE to be. I CHOSE to be. That's all you get from me for now"
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Old 02-17-2012, 02:58 PM
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If he doesn't have a driver's license it's illegal for him to drive any car, anywhere, any time and he will have zero insurance coverage even if he has a policy. Please consider that it's likely he will lose his job, get in further trouble by driving illegally, or both, and prepare for that eventuality.

My thoughts are with you and your son.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:27 PM
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When my ex got his dwi (2nd in ten yrs) it was a nightmare and he faced what seemed like certain job loss and getting his truck siezed permenantly. He managed to getthree yrs probation with urine tests and mandatory treatment. This is what helped him get sober and it only came about because he had an excellent lawyer. I didint do much for him besides take him to court 2x and to probation once. Just sharing my esh. I say be blase about it and tell him this is his problem and you want nothing to do with it.
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Old 02-17-2012, 10:46 PM
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I may take DS to a movie this afternoon and then go to a new Al Anon meeting at 7.
glad to hear this.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:59 PM
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Don't dn o anything for him that he can do for himself!!! Seriously. It is part of his recovery. I have had 2 dui's and the first one my exh took care of me through it all. The second one I was on my own, and truly, it was the process of losing my license for a year, losing my job, and losing my self-worth, and then fighting to get them all back that forced me to be a grown up.

They say if you assist a baby bird to hatch out of it's eggshell, it will die. same idea.
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Old 02-19-2012, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by alaskasunshine View Post
Don't dn o anything for him that he can do for himself!!! Seriously. It is part of his recovery. I have had 2 dui's and the first one my exh took care of me through it all. The second one I was on my own, and truly, it was the process of losing my license for a year, losing my job, and losing my self-worth, and then fighting to get them all back that forced me to be a grown up.

They say if you assist a baby bird to hatch out of it's eggshell, it will die. same idea.
Thank you for sharing! Well, he came clean with our son yesterday and sat him down and told him the whole ugly truth. I told him he's on his own on finding a lawyer, etc even though he practically begged me to help him. He understands. He is very afraid he's going to lose his job and he is telling me now that he is contemplating suicide. He says we'll be better off without him especially if he loses his job. I told him: find a lawyer and let them figure all that stuff out with you, you may not do jail time and you may be able to keep your job.
He also told me that if he needs a ride somewhere and it conflicts with our schedule then he will find an alternative ride or change plans. He did say that he may ask me to drive him to work appointments with clients but only if I am 100% available and able to do so.
He appears to be very depressed, sleeping a lot, sitting like a zombie on the couch, etc. I know he has a lot on his mind and it's only been 3 days but at some point I'd like to see him snap out of it.
He did tell our son that he wants to take full responsibility for what he did and that he is going to try to see the positive in all of this. Of course, I told him last night that suicide is the ultimate selfish act and that he needs to follow through with what he told our son. Set the right example, get healthy, do your time or punishment or whatever, and learn something from it. Talking suicide isn't going to get us anywhere.
I can tell that he's scared. So am I. I am trying to be compassionate, I even gave him a hug yesterday but that's about as far as I am ready to go. I am still dealing with my own anger right now, too. Anyway, that's our update.
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