Thelma

My AH has been hiding the fact that he's been drinking for weeks now. He has anxiety and depression disorder and is on meds that interact with the alcohol. He has a major anxiety attack (meltdown) crying, shaking, "please help me I don't want to live like this anymore."
Then goes on the wagon for no longer than three weeks. When I ask him if he's had any beer the answer is always, "No I don't want to go back to that place that I was." I never believe him, and rightfully so. I find out he's been drinking with friends when he tells me he was working late or met someone out and only had a soda. Yeah right! Soda is not in his vocabulary.
After a huge confrontation last week he decided to "punish" me by going out during the arguement and buying booze. Then it's my fault that I pushed him to it. Really? I think not.
The crazy part of all this is that he comes home with beer every night and somehow I feel relieved that he isn't bothering to try to hide it. I don't have to play detective today to see if I can catch hom in a lie. I don't bring it up, I don't ask him if he's had any before he got home. I'm back in the rut of just expecting that when I get home from work at night he's going to be loaded. ( I work evenings)
It's my fault he drinks because I work nights and he has to be home alone for 4 or 5 hours. (I serve in a restaurant and am home three nights a week, apparently that isn't enough)
I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago, and it's my fault he drinks because if I would have given him children he wouldn't be like this. Who in their right mind would being a child knowingly into this kind of relationship? I thank God every day that I don't have to drag a child through this.
If I worked less, was home more, understood the pain that he's going through with the depression, he wouldn't drink.
Oh the life of an alcoholic at times seems so easy! Never taking the blame for anything you say or do. ALWAYS blaming others for how miserable their life is. Why bother to change when you can go on your merry way leaving a path of destruction and never having to look back and be accountable.
Ok, thanks once again for letting me vent. I'm so glad I have found this site. I think I needed it more than I realized.

Willybluedog

So glad you are here Thelma, so sorry about all this, what a mess, anytime you need to blow off steam, we will be here to listen.

Big hugs to you,

Bill

neferkamichael

Hi Thelma, how long has this been going on, and how much longer are going to put up with it?

Wing

This is so true. They put the blame on us when they relapse.
My ex told me that he needed support & I made him feel weak.... I did supported him a lot.

BobbyJ

If it helps, my xah, always blamed me too
He went to a $10 grand rehab center for 28 days, he still blame me
He moved away, drank, got divorced, lost everything, he still blame me
He is back into a 90 day rehab, he still blames me

But a year later..He can blame me to the moon and back. I dont care!

I am not that powerful of a person to make someone drink...

I am powerful enough to know, that he is not sober and that is his problem
not mine....

CAUSE< CURE<CONTROL...The 3 C's...
"YOU & I CAN NOT DO THOSE 3 THINGS" with alcoholism...wish we could, but we cant!

Quit wasting your time, listening to someone who is drunk...POINTLESS...

nodaybut2day

Of course, you realize that if you WERE around the house more often, he'd blame you for being "annoying" or something, and use THAT as an excuse to drink. If you had had children, he'd blame the children for being "loud", "messy", "stressful", and use THAT as an excuse to drink. And if you weren't in his life at all, he would blame...his family, his neighbours, his coworkers, the mailman, the government or the weather, and use those as excuses to drink.

How long do you want to keep living like this?

inpieces314

See, it is different for me. I like the argument, I like to prove that I am right. And he absolutely HATES it when I am right. So like yesterday, he almost tried to blame me for his being an alcoholic, and I stopped him, and said, "Don't put that on me, you were an alcoholic long before we ever got together, and you will be long after we aren't together. If you think that you aren't pissing me off to the point where I could use a drink right now you are totally wrong, but the kids don't need TWO alcoholic parents." (I have always had a problem where I get angry and drink, I always drink to get drunk, I never drink in a social situation or anything like that. So yeah, I know I have my own triggers, but I guess the difference is that I never became an alcoholic because I knew the road I was going down and stopped.) Anyway, then he yells at me because I am ALWAYS right and NEVER wrong and I will NEVER admit when I am wrong, which I did a thousand times by the way, but the whole thing is, I know that he knows I am right, he just won't admit it to me, because he hates it when I am right.

As much as I do love proving my point, the constant arguing does exhaust me. I think I surprised him yesterday when I only started yelling at him once, every other time, I was telling him to stop yelling at me.

Thelma

This has been going on for about 5 or 6 years now. And I would love to leave but, and I know you hear this ALOT, financially I can't. I have almost years to pay on my vehicle. I have four dogs that I will NOT leave here. And who's gonna rent to a woman with FOUR dogs? So I'm biding my time, paying off my bills as quickly as possible and when I can I'm outta here so fast all he's gonna see is taillights through his drunken haze.

Terminally Unique

This one is a classic.
Fall for it at your peril...


— From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)

nodaybut2day

The financial issue is a very valid one, so it's good to hear that you've got a plan in place. I would also start poking around to find yourself legal representation or at the very least, get a few free consultations with lawyers to get a lay of the land.

As for your dogs, perhaps you could rehome them temporarily? I had to leave two kitties behind when I left XAH, but I came back to get one of them (the one he threatened to kill) a month later. There are always options...

painterman

Well Thelma, of course it's all your fault-so if you did everything he asks he would never drink again? My partner drinks, and like yours, she is a master at transferring blame and guilt. When I questioned her turning up for work drunk last week she said I was a liar and people have said I have psychopathic tendencies..ah well that's me finished then.
I know how you feel, I get a horrible low feeling when she comes in and there is the slightest hint of being 'in drink' I'm learning to walk away.
Stay strong.