qbert

Next step in the process but it was oh so hard. This morning we had IEP meeting for our son which went just fine. We then had to go to my Attorney’s office to sign a Temporary Order and Stipulation so our 120 day countdown to divorce started yesterday when he picked up the Admission of Service. I know it’s the right thing to do and he understands why I am doing it, but it is very, VERY painful. I didn’t comprehend the pain I would be feeling as I move this stage of my life. My heart actually felt as though it was breaking this morning as I sit across the table from him while the Legal Secretary is explaining the whole process from this point forward. We went out into the parking lot to leave and we held each other, knowing this was part of the process, but also knowing we are ok with it. Of course we are going to be said – we are seeing 21 years of our lives flash before our eyes. The good, the bad, the ups, the downs, sickness and health, believe me, we’ve had our share of everything and we’ve endured a lot. But over the last eight years when the verbal and emotional abuse began and the alcoholism snuck into our lives was when I began to realize I can no longer live in this kind of environment and by subjecting our son to this kind of behavior was only going to prove traumatic for everyone in the end. My husband says he hasn’t had a drop of whiskey since he came home to an empty house on 1/27….but I know he has been drinking beer…..so is this a problem? We’ve known since we met that he always has had a problem when he drinks Whiskey yet he continues to do so (until now).

So as I sit here typing this at almost noon, the sun is shining, my tears have dried up and I am looking forward to the next four months of living apart from him I am smiling inside. Our son was released from his therapist last night because he said he was doing “great” with an open invitation if we should need additional therapy for him. Husband and I do begin some therapy on the 20th so we’ll see where this all goes, but I know I do not feel the same for him as I once did and I don’t know that I’ll ever get that back. This was the right thing to do and I know that, my heart knows that, our son knows that and my family knows that.

I hope everyone is doing ok. I hope you all had a good Valentine’s Day – mine was ok. He left us each a gift which was nice, something he had never done before. Then last week Friday when I called in because son and I were both sick, he called out of the blue and asked if we needed anything – something else he’d never done before. We both watched (separately) the movie “Fireproof” because it was given to us by some friends – WOW, what a movie! I cried through the whole thing. When he gave it to me I opened it up and found a note inside under the DVD that read “S*****, I don’t want to leave my partner behind. This movie was very enlightening”.

Doing all the right things…..also part of the process….and I knew this would happen too. I try to not look him directly in the eyes.

Anyway, just giving you all an update. Over the last 4 weeks I have lost 11 pounds – to me this is also a sign that when you remove a layer of stress and toxicity, you do begin to feel better about everything in life in general. Amazing what that can do to a person.

NYCDoglvr

How brave you are to endure this pain in the hope of having a much better life. Yes, it hurts like hell but that pain is temporary, it will pass when this is over. It helped me a great deal to go to Al-anon where I learned there's a big difference between love and need. What you get for this misery is self-esteem.

lillamy

Alcohol is alcohol. Doesn't matter what kind.

Big hugs to you as you move forward.