Getting started with a divorce...HELP...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
One thing I always taught my girls is when negotiating ask for more than you want so that you have room to dicker without giving up anything you really wanted and besides, who knows, you may end up with more that you expected.
So in this case I will offer less and give myself room to maneuver.
She supposedly has been sober and working some sort of recovery some if I am lucky we can do this through mediation.
Your friend,
So in this case I will offer less and give myself room to maneuver.
She supposedly has been sober and working some sort of recovery some if I am lucky we can do this through mediation.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, Mike. The only advice I can confidently offer is: after meeting with your attorney to start the process, that day, right after, take a break, do something nice for yourself.
My sister sat in the outer office and waited for me. She sat with me outside for a little bit (on a curb, which is now against the law here - how stupid is that? but I digress...) and then made me go shoe shopping and out for coffee/tea with her. I didn't want to (I'm being serious here - really); I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball under my comforter. But I needed to go do something nice; she (wise and bossy gal that she is) knew it even if I didn't. I'm glad I did. I think I would've stayed in bed for days without that bit of pampering.
My sister sat in the outer office and waited for me. She sat with me outside for a little bit (on a curb, which is now against the law here - how stupid is that? but I digress...) and then made me go shoe shopping and out for coffee/tea with her. I didn't want to (I'm being serious here - really); I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball under my comforter. But I needed to go do something nice; she (wise and bossy gal that she is) knew it even if I didn't. I'm glad I did. I think I would've stayed in bed for days without that bit of pampering.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I haven't read all the replies and I know I'm late in responding but I know this feeling so well that I wanted to chime in.
I guess what worked for me is that I kept reminding myself over and over that he was an adult and could take care of himself. I kept taking the next step despite the feeling you describe. I also reminded myself that I should respect him as an adult. I don't have to respect him as a person or a partner but he is an adult and I should give him that dignity. Respect and dignity are values I hold high and I really work on them in all areas of my life so this worked well for me. I advocate for adults with IQ's of 60 to have the respect and dignity of living on their own - I can afford my college educated husband the same. It wasn't long before I started believing it and the feeling slowly went away.
I would suggest taking one step at a time and doing what feels right for that step. Sometimes it seems a fine line between protecting ourselves and being respectful and treating people how we want to be treated. Personally I choose to give people the benefit of doubt on the first step. While that was sometimes very painful when I had no recovery at all I feel safer in doing that now. Just do one thing and let that guide you in how to handle the next thing.
I guess what worked for me is that I kept reminding myself over and over that he was an adult and could take care of himself. I kept taking the next step despite the feeling you describe. I also reminded myself that I should respect him as an adult. I don't have to respect him as a person or a partner but he is an adult and I should give him that dignity. Respect and dignity are values I hold high and I really work on them in all areas of my life so this worked well for me. I advocate for adults with IQ's of 60 to have the respect and dignity of living on their own - I can afford my college educated husband the same. It wasn't long before I started believing it and the feeling slowly went away.
I would suggest taking one step at a time and doing what feels right for that step. Sometimes it seems a fine line between protecting ourselves and being respectful and treating people how we want to be treated. Personally I choose to give people the benefit of doubt on the first step. While that was sometimes very painful when I had no recovery at all I feel safer in doing that now. Just do one thing and let that guide you in how to handle the next thing.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Don't use your attorney like a therapist at $300/hr. Be prepared with a written list of questions AFTER you do your own research. The state/county you live in has lots of domestic law info on the web. Information gathering mode at first. Don't fall prey to an aggressive lawyer that wants to rack up fees with motions for this and discoveries for that. Keep it simple and basic.
Know that most divorces are settled way before any court date and the state guidelines are a place to start negotiating. Just cuz her friends got the house, the kids, the dog, the brokerage and retirement accounts doesn't mean she's entitled to them. Do not give up any of your rights as a Father (I forget if you have kids). A divorce decree starts as a separation agreement and I have no idea why most men/fathers have agreed to what they did.
Oh and I'm here to tell you life is fantastic after divorce.
Know that most divorces are settled way before any court date and the state guidelines are a place to start negotiating. Just cuz her friends got the house, the kids, the dog, the brokerage and retirement accounts doesn't mean she's entitled to them. Do not give up any of your rights as a Father (I forget if you have kids). A divorce decree starts as a separation agreement and I have no idea why most men/fathers have agreed to what they did.
Oh and I'm here to tell you life is fantastic after divorce.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Good luck and best wishes Mike. I hated my divorce, and felt like I was in a fog the entire time. It was, truly, one of the most traumatic moments in my life and there's times I still feel guilty about it-- as if I abandoned her or broke a promise.
When I step back from it and remember the context it all goes away. More than anything I don't regret the divorce and I'd do it again-- I just regret everything that led to it on my part, and resent everything that led to it on her part (especially when she get's bitchy about it). She found sobriety (at least for now), we are together again, and she still blames me for it and claims it wasn't necessary. I know because once in a blue moon she baits me with it. I always respond the same way, "you didn't leave me a choice." Then I walk away.
You may know what it feels like to be in control of a car, motorcycle, or airplane one second, and then the very next realizing you aren't in control at all, you are just along for the ride and what's going to happen is going to happen. That's what I felt like during the divorce-- I just held on until the end.
I don't really care to every marry again. It's 100 percent effective in preventing divorce.
Take care,
Cyranoak
When I step back from it and remember the context it all goes away. More than anything I don't regret the divorce and I'd do it again-- I just regret everything that led to it on my part, and resent everything that led to it on her part (especially when she get's bitchy about it). She found sobriety (at least for now), we are together again, and she still blames me for it and claims it wasn't necessary. I know because once in a blue moon she baits me with it. I always respond the same way, "you didn't leave me a choice." Then I walk away.
You may know what it feels like to be in control of a car, motorcycle, or airplane one second, and then the very next realizing you aren't in control at all, you are just along for the ride and what's going to happen is going to happen. That's what I felt like during the divorce-- I just held on until the end.
I don't really care to every marry again. It's 100 percent effective in preventing divorce.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
I don't really care to every marry again. It's 100 percent effective in preventing divorce.
Mike - thinking of you and hoping you are well. I am still married to the RAH...geesh every time we go to the courthouse to file, we got rejected for not having the correct paperwork. Finally we both broke down and said maybe this is HP trying to tell us to work it out. More to be revealed...
Hang in there. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way!
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I remember one thing that has stuck out in my head that I believe LaTeeda told
me, when I felt like you...
I wrote: I feel like he is sitting in a chair in the middle of the freeway and Im on the side lines waiting for him to get hit and theres nothing I can do about it. *Gut wrenching*
She wrote: He is an adult, he can get up and move if he wants too. No one is holding him down..
It was written something like that...But she was right!
Big Hugs.....
me, when I felt like you...
I wrote: I feel like he is sitting in a chair in the middle of the freeway and Im on the side lines waiting for him to get hit and theres nothing I can do about it. *Gut wrenching*
She wrote: He is an adult, he can get up and move if he wants too. No one is holding him down..
It was written something like that...But she was right!
Big Hugs.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Mike,
I spent (wasted) a few thousand dollars I did not have on mediation. I don't know your wife but I think it is highly unlikely that mediation works with an addict. IF your wife is really invested in a program of recovery and capable of being cooperative, honest etc... then mediation can work. But the very nature of addiction, (IMO) makes mediation impossible. I wish I'd heeded this advice I was given and just spent the $ on the lawyer. In the end I spent double what I had to bc of what I wasted with mediation.
Good luck to you...
I spent (wasted) a few thousand dollars I did not have on mediation. I don't know your wife but I think it is highly unlikely that mediation works with an addict. IF your wife is really invested in a program of recovery and capable of being cooperative, honest etc... then mediation can work. But the very nature of addiction, (IMO) makes mediation impossible. I wish I'd heeded this advice I was given and just spent the $ on the lawyer. In the end I spent double what I had to bc of what I wasted with mediation.
Good luck to you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thanks everyone for the support.
I called the lawyer yesterday but she was with a client and I am waiting for a call back. I find it amazing that just making the decision to move forward has taken a big weight off of my shoulders. I guess this is the closure I need.
We have be separated for 10 months now and I am pretty much no contact except for dealing with taxes right now.
As far as I know my wife is working a program of some sorts but not AA. She says she has been sober since July of last year. If fact she is even dating. She called and asked me if it was ok (????) because she wanted to get on with her life. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she would have to be crazy to give up what she has with health care and all. She works 2 jobs for a total of 16 hours a week. She told me she is not strong enough to look for full time work and that she would be crazy to give up the healthcare and everything.
That was the point when I realized that I would be crazy not to want to end this.
She is working on her relationship with our daughters and my one daughter let her come over a couple of times to see the grand children ans says she seems to be doing good.
So maybe we can do this the easy way, if not, no big deal it's only money and as someone said here " the reasons divorces are so expensive is that they are worth it". My wife is really tight with money, even when in active addiction mode, so I hoping that she won't want to spend the bucks on fighting this. I'll just have to see what happens.
Your friend,
I called the lawyer yesterday but she was with a client and I am waiting for a call back. I find it amazing that just making the decision to move forward has taken a big weight off of my shoulders. I guess this is the closure I need.
We have be separated for 10 months now and I am pretty much no contact except for dealing with taxes right now.
As far as I know my wife is working a program of some sorts but not AA. She says she has been sober since July of last year. If fact she is even dating. She called and asked me if it was ok (????) because she wanted to get on with her life. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she would have to be crazy to give up what she has with health care and all. She works 2 jobs for a total of 16 hours a week. She told me she is not strong enough to look for full time work and that she would be crazy to give up the healthcare and everything.
That was the point when I realized that I would be crazy not to want to end this.
She is working on her relationship with our daughters and my one daughter let her come over a couple of times to see the grand children ans says she seems to be doing good.
So maybe we can do this the easy way, if not, no big deal it's only money and as someone said here " the reasons divorces are so expensive is that they are worth it". My wife is really tight with money, even when in active addiction mode, so I hoping that she won't want to spend the bucks on fighting this. I'll just have to see what happens.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I know that this is not funny (the situation) but I have to just point out the insanity of her remarks which did make me laugh at their absurdity...
- She calls to ask if it's fine she is dating and yet explains that she doesn't want a divorce bc she'd be crazy to give up the financial set up she has going being married to you.
The phrase having your cake and eating it too seems to be a battle cry of the alcoholics I know!
Glad you are feeling good about moving fwd Mike.
- She calls to ask if it's fine she is dating and yet explains that she doesn't want a divorce bc she'd be crazy to give up the financial set up she has going being married to you.
The phrase having your cake and eating it too seems to be a battle cry of the alcoholics I know!
Glad you are feeling good about moving fwd Mike.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
The phrase having your cake and eating it too seems to be a battle cry of the alcoholics I know!
Well, one thing, I'll never run out of interesting stories to tell at family gatherings.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
One thing you don't mention Mike is how she is doing now, presumably ok -so what difference does a formal severance make? I know how you felt posting that, I fear if I left my partner she could go downhill-but I've listened to all the good advice you've been given above-so like you, it's not my problem.
Your posts are always insightful.
best wishes
Andy
Your posts are always insightful.
best wishes
Andy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 9
Mike,
I will share what worked for me... I spent the first year working on separating finances, co-parenting, and staying on my side of the street while she worked a program. I did carry her on my health insurance for a time. When it seemed like it was time... I started talking about divorce... ultimately convinced her to do a mediated divorce. Found a attorney who also does mediation that specialized in recovery/addiction issues. We got 90% there on agreeing to everything but she just wasn't ready to sign... gave her the time she needed. Ultimately gave her a nudge and signed papers about a week before the court deadline to get it done that year. I had a plan... but I took it one day at a time.
-Brian
I will share what worked for me... I spent the first year working on separating finances, co-parenting, and staying on my side of the street while she worked a program. I did carry her on my health insurance for a time. When it seemed like it was time... I started talking about divorce... ultimately convinced her to do a mediated divorce. Found a attorney who also does mediation that specialized in recovery/addiction issues. We got 90% there on agreeing to everything but she just wasn't ready to sign... gave her the time she needed. Ultimately gave her a nudge and signed papers about a week before the court deadline to get it done that year. I had a plan... but I took it one day at a time.
-Brian
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
