inpieces314

So, I am working on detachment with my boyfriend. I have not spoken to him since Wednesday night when I told him I can't enable him anymore, he needs to change, etc. etc. etc. So, he texted me on friday night to tell me he loved me, then again on saturday night and he misses me. I ignored him every time. Also, I pay per text, so I am paying for this, and usually when we get into a fight I block his phone number for a couple of days, so I don't end up calling him, so I would like to know why he keeps texting me and not calling or coming to see me at my house (although texting is much easier to ignore). So anyway, I think he is getting the hint that I am ignoring him now, because I have never gone this long without talking to him. I know this is supposed to continue until he tells me that he needs help, he hit rock bottom, etc. etc. etc., but I would like to know how he is supposed to know what I want if I do not talk to him? To be honest, he should know, based on my text messages from the other night, but I am sure he is probably currently too drunk to figure it out. Also, he owes me money, and I am for sure not going to talk to him until I get my money back, period. No matter what happens after that.

I am proud of myself though. It has been very very hard to not talk to him, although I still miss the hell out of him, but I realize that my life is less stressful without me screaming at him every night. Also, my great grandfather died yesterday (it's okay, he was old and tired and it was his time) and my mother asked if he is coming to the funeral. At which point I told her I do not know, but I doubt it because I am in the middle of detaching myself and he doesn't even know that my great grandfather died. And she said yeah but he knew him, blah blah blah, and I said, do you really want him to say he will be there and show up drunk? Or **** me off so bad that I end up looking like an idiot? Its better off without him there, and I really don't want something like this to be the thing that makes him think I forgive him anyway. I think I need to not talk to him until he tells me what I want to hear.

So that is what I am asking, I guess. Should I tell him that I will not talk to him until he gets help for himself, or wait for him to knock on my door and tell him, or just ignore him period? I want him to see that I am dead serious about this, and although I haven't given up hope on him, there is nothing I can do to help him, and the ball is in his court.

fourmaggie

its your choice how YOU want to handle detachment/no contact...but for me, what i had to do was delete and blocked emails and phone numbers...I never engaged in his life or choas anymore...detached and no contact is just that...my boundaries, whether HE likes it or not....because this is about ME now....

Have you thought of AL ANON?...try it...this will help alot...

inpieces314

I am not saying he is going to change at all, I just think that maybe I should tell him why it is I am not speaking to him, so he doesn't get it twisted and say it's because of something else. That is all I am saying.

Personally I am at the point where I am tired of him quitting drinking all the time. Either do it or don't, but stop going back and forth. And I don't have to be there to see all the crap he does to everyone (including me) while he is destroying his own life. And eventually he will be back because he will want to see the kids.

Willybluedog

IMHO you are trying to influence what he does instead of you focusing on your recovery, and letting him focus on his recovery, or not whicherver he chooses.

This has been incredibly hard for me, I have been so wrapped up in focusing on my mothers alcoholism and my dads enabling that I was ignoring my own recovery.

Therapy has taught me that I have responsibility only for me, not my mom, and not my dad. I don't even mention it to them anymore, it has been such a load off my mind to let them deal with their own issues.

I hope you can work through this, best of luck of you.

Big hugs,

Bill

inpieces314

I just feel like I owe it to him to explain what is going on. I don't know if "owe" is the right word. I know when he comes knocking on the door to see the kids I am going to shut it in his face. What I am saying is, should he know why or do I leave him to wonder? I am feeling guilty about not explaining my side to him, and I know it is pointless and irrelevant, but I believe that I will feel better in the end.

Pelican

I think to give yourself closure of the relationship, you can write him a letter. State your reasons for breaking contact. Be specific about what happened to cause you to step away from his addiction.

However, I don't recommend giving him the letter. Keep the letter to remind you of why you are breaking contact.

The letter is for you. The letter allows you to identify all the things that were unhealthy in the relationship. It will also serve as a reminder for you to re-read when you are really missing the good times you had together. It will remind you about all the chaos that comes with his love.

You have had these conversations with your ABF before,right? The kind where you state your expectations - he makes the same empty promises, and you want to believe his words. I imagine he knows why you are not returning his texts. Talking to him is just repeating the same cycle.

Trying to have a rational, sane conversation with an alcoholic is like going to the hardware store and asking for fresh bread. You walk away frustrated.

I know when I left my Alcoholic, I went No Contact. I did not speak to him. He knew why I left. I had had enough of the lies, the broken promises, the unacceptable behavior, and the denial.

I also know that some small part of me wanted him to contact me and tell me he would become the husband/father I wanted him to be. You know what I got? Silence. My A was doing what he wanted. Drinking, socializing and not worrying about my mood.

You mentioned that he will be coming to see the kids. Is he the biological father of the kids? If so, I recommend you get legal counsel to define visitation and support for the children.

naive

sounds as if you already told him, no?

FindingJoy

Well I just posted a thread that you may very well relate to.

It was very difficult for me to do no contact with ExAB. I didn't want to see him but I read and responded to texts and took 3 phone calls. All ended with me hurt frustrated or angry. Even the manipulative ones where he was being super sweet as I knew it was for his own gain.

Do the best you can with NO CONTACT. You will do it on your own time once you have experienced enough of the never ending roller coaster from hell.

You deserve a peaceful happy and healthy relationship and nothing less.

BIG HUG

inpieces314

I had a talk with my therapist this morning and she said that I do need to define my boundaries with him, but I decided that I will not do so until he actually tries to talk to me, and I don't count texting as talking. He is the biological father of the 3 month old, but he is not on the birth certificate, so I am the only legal guardian. I do think he knows what he is doing is not making me happy but he needs to know I am serious this time, so I don't want to be the first one to try to talk. He needs to come to me, because I am tired of everything. SO...when he tries to talk to me AFTER he pays me my money, I will explain that I want nothing to do with him while he continues this behavior. If he wants to get better, then we can talk about the relationship. But until then, he will have nothing to do with me or the kids.

akrasia

You can just define your boundaries to yourself. Without his input, approval, buy-in. Without a whole conversation with him.

The best way for him to get the message that you want nothing to do with him is if you really *have nothing to do with him!*

You're in a really vulnerable time right now. Can you enlist the aid of friends so that you can focus on just looking after yourself and your new baby?

Block the texts. Forget the money. Send him a letter by post saying you do not want an active addict in your or your child's life. Tell him that you want no contact until he's been sober for six months. Literally, keep it to two or three lines.

He may or may not snap out of it and get help for his addictions, but either way he can do that on his own.

inpieces314

I have no friends, no support system at all. Even my parents are on his side. So it's hard with these two screaming kids and all this stuff that needs to be done around the house and bills that need to be paid and schoolwork that needs to be done. Not that he helped me with that anyway. Not that I expect him to, either. But I have my own mental issues going on, and I am really not trying to let this whole thing contribute to my own problems because of any guilt I may feel. Once I let him know where I stand, it's all up to him.

akrasia

I'm sorry it's so difficult right now. You've made a great first step in finding an online support group, so pat yourself on the back for that!

Wing

yes... these texts & phone calls only ended with hurt & frustration... It happened on me. Then, I wondered why I put myself in such endless roller coaster.