whatamess

Following arguments during which AH says we shouldn't split up, and then him implying he is having suicidal thoughts, AH has now written me a letter stating
(He is a lawyer)

My view is that he is just doing this to keep us together. If he really wanted to give up drinking then he would do it for himself rather than as a reaction to me wanting to split up. The only time he has ever taken any action over his drinking is when I have left or kicked him out and now I have told him I will be seeking a divorce.

According to him I have misunderstood his attempts to "control his drinking". I think that in order to deal with his drinking he has to go tea-total, whereas he says he has never promised this before and that his aim was to cut down his drinking to a manageable level.

I do not think I believe him. Just a few days ago he told me how he "likes oblivion" and that he can control his drinking after "1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 drinks".

Yet, a small part of me feels bad about not believing his promise.

Seren

Actions speak louder than words.....even if those words are full of legalese.

I wouldn't feel bad about not believing his promises because he has not shown in the past that you can. For instance, is he doing anything to maintain sobriety except type out a letter full of legal language?

I hope things get better for you soon. HG

justjo

Im sorry you are going through this. I remember my sister saying "Im now drinking Cask Wine )wine in a box not a bottle and its not so strong.
What she meant was - I can drink Cask wine longer because its not as strong as the bottled type. It didnt change anything, it just meant it took her long to pass out thats all.
This is what she meant by -drinking to a manageable level.

naive

alcholic translator tool

AH: "I now formally declare and swear that as from today, 12 February 2012, I shall not drink any alcohol. I sincerely hope this will bring us back together but it is meant in any event."

translation: i actually still believe i can control my drinking. see, i will prove it to you by not touching a drop until you stop the divorce from proceeding. i actually have no intention of stopping drinking permanently nor will i seek help, because i can handle it myself as i don't have a problem. if you leave, i will begin again, but that's just because you drove me to it by your actions.

ah: According to him I have misunderstood his attempts to "control his drinking".

translation: i really have no idea why she doesn't understand that i can control my drinking. she made up that peeing on the bedroom floor. that never happened because i don't remember doing that. i can control my drinking. why can't she see that?

ah: I think that in order to deal with his drinking he has to go tea-total, whereas he says he has never promised this before and that his aim was to cut down his drinking to a manageable level.

translation: i can whiteknuckle it when i'm around her. and i'll still drink, but in secret when i'm out without her. she'll never know.

naive

perhaps best to just wish him luck in his sobriety and tell him if he enters a recovery program and is sucessful for one year, you will consider dating him again.

threatening suicide is common. mine threatened that too. if he does it again, call the police and say he is threatening to commit suicide and they can take him somewhere for a mental health evaluation. that normally ends that manipulative behavior.

whatamess

Thanks so much for your replies. You are all being a great help. I find this forum is the only place where I know you have been in a similar position and are talking from experience and that means a lot.

I also appreciate your patience with my regular postings. This is harder than I thought. I expected to make the decision and that would be it, but I keep having moments when I doubt myself. However, your support is helping me through. Thanks again.

wanttobehealthy

MY xAH is a teacher so his letters of promises are not as eloquent or full of legalese but they are full of the same b.s.

I have probably 100 letters from the past 8 yrs (which I would keep and read and put in AH's face to show him his own promises thinking that would make a difference) in which xAH promises the same things as yours.

"I will stop drinking, I will never touch another drop, a few drinks doesn't hold a candle to you and our girls, I don't want to live life this way anymore etc... "...

It all sounded so good and I lapped it up and believed it and stopped my plans to move out many many many times. And he never, not one single time, stuck to what he said. And when the time came that I would point that out, suddenly the conversation would change from him not keeping his word, to him telling me how all over his case I am, how the problems in our marriage were not just bc of his drinking and we'd be off and running having a debate about any number of things OTHER than his broken promises.

Follow through with your plans to divorce. You can always stop the divorce process later if he is sober and working a program. Don't feel guilty for not trusting his letter. He has given you NO reason to trust his words. It's his actions that you can trust.

nodaybut2day

Ah. He's a lawyer. Great. So he's adept at using powerful words and convincing phrasing. Remember that. He's used to using words as his weapons.

Remind yourself of this too: Words don't mean JACK. Actions are what speak. As you stated, if he was serious about recovery, he'd just go ahead and do it, and nothing and no one could stand in his way....he wouldn't be standing around making grandiose statements written like some legal proceeding.

Keep your eye on the ball and remember what your end goal is.

Mentioning/threatening suicidal thoughts = pure manipulation. If he does it again, don't hesitate to call the police. If he is serious, then he'll be in the right hands. If he isn't serious, then he'll think twice about throwing ridiculous statements around.

akrasia

If he's a lawyer he would have learned that you cannot "swear" to something that will or will not happen. That's called a "guarantee."

And in a real "guarantee" there are penalties in place for non-delivery.

And you swear before a court, not to another party.

In any event this resolution is dated after his marriage has irretrievably broken down due to his alcoholism. So, not sure why he's putting on this show now, apart from trying to manipulate you.

akrasia

On the other hand, you could say, "Wow, that's great! So on 13 February 2013 you will have had a year of sobriety and we can get in touch then! See ya!"

tjp613

Hey, if it makes you feel better you could change your tack and just "separate" for now and sit back and watch. But I sure wouldn't lose any momentum just because of that stupid declaration. It's worthless.

Mavis1

I don't know your problem drinker but my experience was that he'd say anything any time I threatened to leave or break up. I can't count that high how many times he said that. I wanted that so bad I sometimes fell for the lies. If he was going to really do it though I believe he'd do it for himself FIRST if it was going to work. He's making promises that he cant' keep. so sorry you're going through this, it brings back horrible memories for me that I have to remember though. Best of luck and keep coming we need to hear these things. all the best m

Terminally Unique

Most likely. Hold on to that letter, though.

While this would be ideal, pain is the classroom of recovery for many, and sometimes the threat of more pain (in this case, divorce) can prompt action.


This is BS.

I'm not one to give out relationship advice on an Internet forum, but as Akrasia noted, in a real guarantee there are penalties in place for non-delivery. Since he is a lawyer, he inevitably knows that a real agreement can indeed be arranged. If you are really interested in knowing whether he means it or not, and you decide not to get a divorce just yet, you might want to suggest a postnuptial agreement with clear concessions, such as you getting the house, if he ever does drink again. If he agrees, have it reviewed by your own attorney, then signed and notarized — twice.

-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)

akrasia

Ha! That's an awesome idea. If he balks at signing away the house--why, how strange, because if he's not going to drink, it's a non-issue!

inpieces314

I would get that ish notarized so you can get everything in the divorce when he drinks.

Haha. But for real, just to be the devil's advocate, maybe this IS what he needs to stop. You never know. Maybe he really doesn't want to lose you, so he IS going to work on it. Absolutely in no way would I ever tell you to not get a divorce or anything, but if I were you, I would wait to see if he is serious. And if he is, then you can talk in a couple of months or whatever. Because he is going to have to be sober for longer than a week to make any kind of impact on you, right? It is going to take a while for him to prove to you that he is really being serious, and regardless of the way the relationship goes after this, he really does need to be doing it for himself. I agree with you on that. So I say, move out, kick him out, do whatever you need to do to show him that YOU are serious, and then see if he follows through with his little promise. If not, you know what to do.

lillamy

Words are cheap, even when delivered on paper.
Action is where it's at.

Cyranoak

Just a quick note that alcoholism doesn't care if he's a lawyer. Neither does the truth. You know the truth here. Be more confident in what you know.

Sometimes so-called "smart people" are the very worst alcoholics (and excellent co-dependent enablers too). They think they can out-think anything.

Cyranoak