New here and sharing my Carers story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tenterden
Posts: 2
New here and sharing my Carers story
My wife and I are caring for my Stepfather.
He lives with us and he is drinking 1-2 bottles of wine each day. He has end stage liver disease and we are watching his slow decline. Doctor guestimated that he has 10-25% of his liver left (that figure was given when he nearly died February 2011.)
His ability to recover is amazing, but he never stops for long. He was drinking up to 600ml of 40% brandy each day, but after a trip to France last year he changed to red wine, usually the stronger type 13.5% as I said 1-2 bottles a day.
So I’m sharing my story because it helps to share and hopefully to find someone else who is living or has lived with someone else who is committing very slow suicide, in front of his grandchildren and the rest of his family in this way.
He is a happy drunk, so no violence, he is actually a nightmare when he struggles when one of the numerous health scares frighten him into abstinence.
I have fought with him, tried every which way to stop him as I was naive to the stupidity an addict can live when, even when they are as intelligent as this man is. I tried monitoring his secret drinking when I found his new stash and confronting him with it, but even when I did this in the hospital last year he argued with me as to whether it was 400ml instead of up to 600ml whilst the doctors and nurses did their best to get him out of hospital once his other complications cleared.
My children, his grandchildren told him they loved him and all .....etc etc.
I got his oncology specialist to confront him, his GP told him that he had had a lifetime of booze and now he was drinking someone else’s. That Doctor told me that he thought he was going to die in 2003 when his liver began to scar.
Throat cancer terrified him and he came through that with an 80% chance of not doing so in 2007.
All these things to be grateful for and he just keeps on pickling himself and now he losing more liver function to the point of sleeping all day, not really eating much, and showing all the signs of HE. Although he is on diuretics, his stomach is huge and his legs are a little swollen, his skin and eyes are jaundiced and he is breathless to the point of difficulty in walking tens of feet.
He bluffs and lies his way out of the emotional help he needs and avoids any medical intervention that would point out the stupid extent of his behaviour.
We have accepted he wants to go but I still try and talk to him about what he is doing and his level of denial is as you would all guess legendary to us but reading stories on here is obviously typical.
I think his personality is best summed up with a quote I heard or read which is
“An alcoholic prefers to lay in the gutter and look down on people”
Your feedback would be welcome.
X
He lives with us and he is drinking 1-2 bottles of wine each day. He has end stage liver disease and we are watching his slow decline. Doctor guestimated that he has 10-25% of his liver left (that figure was given when he nearly died February 2011.)
His ability to recover is amazing, but he never stops for long. He was drinking up to 600ml of 40% brandy each day, but after a trip to France last year he changed to red wine, usually the stronger type 13.5% as I said 1-2 bottles a day.
So I’m sharing my story because it helps to share and hopefully to find someone else who is living or has lived with someone else who is committing very slow suicide, in front of his grandchildren and the rest of his family in this way.
He is a happy drunk, so no violence, he is actually a nightmare when he struggles when one of the numerous health scares frighten him into abstinence.
I have fought with him, tried every which way to stop him as I was naive to the stupidity an addict can live when, even when they are as intelligent as this man is. I tried monitoring his secret drinking when I found his new stash and confronting him with it, but even when I did this in the hospital last year he argued with me as to whether it was 400ml instead of up to 600ml whilst the doctors and nurses did their best to get him out of hospital once his other complications cleared.
My children, his grandchildren told him they loved him and all .....etc etc.
I got his oncology specialist to confront him, his GP told him that he had had a lifetime of booze and now he was drinking someone else’s. That Doctor told me that he thought he was going to die in 2003 when his liver began to scar.
Throat cancer terrified him and he came through that with an 80% chance of not doing so in 2007.
All these things to be grateful for and he just keeps on pickling himself and now he losing more liver function to the point of sleeping all day, not really eating much, and showing all the signs of HE. Although he is on diuretics, his stomach is huge and his legs are a little swollen, his skin and eyes are jaundiced and he is breathless to the point of difficulty in walking tens of feet.
He bluffs and lies his way out of the emotional help he needs and avoids any medical intervention that would point out the stupid extent of his behaviour.
We have accepted he wants to go but I still try and talk to him about what he is doing and his level of denial is as you would all guess legendary to us but reading stories on here is obviously typical.
I think his personality is best summed up with a quote I heard or read which is
“An alcoholic prefers to lay in the gutter and look down on people”
Your feedback would be welcome.
X
Last edited by 2Carers2012; 02-12-2012 at 06:20 PM. Reason: silling spelling mistake
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Have you or your wife considered attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support in your community?
I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Have you or your wife considered attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support in your community?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to you, I am so glad you are here, this forum has been a wonderful help to me.
My mom has been drinking between 3-6 bottles of wine a day for 40+ years (I am 49), in the last 18 months she has been in the ICU twice for alcohol related heart damage, she just turned 78 and cotuniues to bounce back over and over. Unlike your stepdad she is a viscious, acid-tongued, self-absorbed witch, counseling has helped me detach from her and the hatred I had developed for her and to stop aggravating my enabling father.
Hope you will read the stories here and find some benefit in them.
If you need to talk or need a hug, I will be here for you.
Best of luck,
Bill
My mom has been drinking between 3-6 bottles of wine a day for 40+ years (I am 49), in the last 18 months she has been in the ICU twice for alcohol related heart damage, she just turned 78 and cotuniues to bounce back over and over. Unlike your stepdad she is a viscious, acid-tongued, self-absorbed witch, counseling has helped me detach from her and the hatred I had developed for her and to stop aggravating my enabling father.
Hope you will read the stories here and find some benefit in them.
If you need to talk or need a hug, I will be here for you.
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Welcome to SR. My experience living with an active alcoholic wore me down, and she was relatively healthy most of the time. I dealt with the craziness, but didn't have the added burden of being a care-giver.
It wore me down, it wore me out. When I finally got to the point that I felt like couldn't do it any, when I was completely ready to surrender, I did something I'd never done before...I reached out for help.
I was pointed toward an Al-Anon meeting, (it's a support group for the friends and family of alcoholics). Going to those meetings changed my life.
If what you've been doing isn't working, if you're ready for a change...give it a try. You can find the location of meetings online. It's kind of scary going to your first meeting, but I found nothing but acceptance and support from the first time I walked in the door.
It wore me down, it wore me out. When I finally got to the point that I felt like couldn't do it any, when I was completely ready to surrender, I did something I'd never done before...I reached out for help.
I was pointed toward an Al-Anon meeting, (it's a support group for the friends and family of alcoholics). Going to those meetings changed my life.
If what you've been doing isn't working, if you're ready for a change...give it a try. You can find the location of meetings online. It's kind of scary going to your first meeting, but I found nothing but acceptance and support from the first time I walked in the door.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I am sorry for you and your family. It's such a hard position watching someone you love self-destruct; caring for someone who insists on destroying themselves.
I appreciate you sharing your story and offering a picture of the s future. There's no telling what kind of health problems my ABF could be setting himself up for (addicted to alcohol and cigarettes for too many of his 35 years). Also, I could see his alcoholic father headed down that path in the not so distant future. A heart attack didn't scare him away from smoking and drinking his days away.
I appreciate you sharing your story and offering a picture of the s future. There's no telling what kind of health problems my ABF could be setting himself up for (addicted to alcohol and cigarettes for too many of his 35 years). Also, I could see his alcoholic father headed down that path in the not so distant future. A heart attack didn't scare him away from smoking and drinking his days away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((2Carers))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. I agree with the above..it really does help to have support for what you are going through, SR is great, but some need that additional F2F support and al-anon is great for that.
I'm sure his doctors have told you, or you may have already experienced it but when as the liver continues to fail, ammonia levels can build up and there is a chance he can get very confused and combative. It may not happen, but just want you to be aware. If it does, please do remember you can't change him, but you and your wife need to take care of YOU, too.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm sure his doctors have told you, or you may have already experienced it but when as the liver continues to fail, ammonia levels can build up and there is a chance he can get very confused and combative. It may not happen, but just want you to be aware. If it does, please do remember you can't change him, but you and your wife need to take care of YOU, too.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tenterden
Posts: 2
He is now back in hospital
Thanks for you kind comments, here is an update
I hope to get confirmation of how things are but it is cirrhosis getting worse that has put him in hospital as opposed to a year ago it being double pneumonia brought on by his drinking and underlying cirrhosis.
So to sum up his year in blunt drinking terms
7-24th Feb. 2011 hospital due to pneumonia and cirrhosis
We nursed him back to health throughout March and April, he was bed ridden all of March and most of April.
He got stronger and stronger but stopped doing anything apart from sitting in his seat.
In June he started driving again and subsequently started buying brandy again. It took me a while to realise it was happening as we were busy, but we realised that spirits we had stored in our cupboard were diminishing on their own, so we moved all our spirits to our own kitchen.
By September he was getting pains in his stomach as the water retention in his abdomen pushed on his stomach.
So he stopped for a couple of weeks leading up his trip to France, where he started drinking wine openly and cognac secretly (but not that secretly obviously).
He came back from France in November 2011 and has drunk wine openly since half-2 bottles per day.
December 2011 he got the all clear on his cancer.
2012
Over the last week he slowed down to the ˝ bottle and then stopped so we knew he was feeling particularly poorly so I insisted on taking him to his GP on Thursday. They said it was up to my wife and I whether to admit him to hospital, but he got worse at home Friday so I told the GP and called an ambulance. Over that week he had been sleeping all day and can’t really stand for long or walk 10 yards without need of a seat.
All sorts of signs have gradually increased since June 2011 that he is harming himself more and more but he will only ever refer to aches and pains in terms that suggest its cause is anything but cirrhosis.
We have accepted that he is an alcoholic and living with someone who is set on harming themselves is awful, it s difficult for my children as they watch him hurt himself and they get upset. But there was no hiding the truth after he nearly died a year ago.
My sister, my wife and me are trying to pin them down on the ward tomorrow to get a consultant’s opinion of his situation, so I trust we will know more tomorrow.
I am aware that his blood pressure has dropped (which is new)and my sister was told that his blood results show poor kidney function,( which i think is also new). That would seem to suggest that the kidneys are struggling with the constant pressure caused by a combination of increasing water retention with diuretics which are having less and less effect, but we will hopefully have a clearer picture tomorrow.
I have watched him recover from his drinking binges and his ability to heal is “quite miraculous” which his GP has told me several times and I have observed first hand.
We will have to wait until we know how ill he is but it doesn’t look promising i’m afraid.
I hope to get confirmation of how things are but it is cirrhosis getting worse that has put him in hospital as opposed to a year ago it being double pneumonia brought on by his drinking and underlying cirrhosis.
So to sum up his year in blunt drinking terms
7-24th Feb. 2011 hospital due to pneumonia and cirrhosis
We nursed him back to health throughout March and April, he was bed ridden all of March and most of April.
He got stronger and stronger but stopped doing anything apart from sitting in his seat.
In June he started driving again and subsequently started buying brandy again. It took me a while to realise it was happening as we were busy, but we realised that spirits we had stored in our cupboard were diminishing on their own, so we moved all our spirits to our own kitchen.
By September he was getting pains in his stomach as the water retention in his abdomen pushed on his stomach.
So he stopped for a couple of weeks leading up his trip to France, where he started drinking wine openly and cognac secretly (but not that secretly obviously).
He came back from France in November 2011 and has drunk wine openly since half-2 bottles per day.
December 2011 he got the all clear on his cancer.
2012
Over the last week he slowed down to the ˝ bottle and then stopped so we knew he was feeling particularly poorly so I insisted on taking him to his GP on Thursday. They said it was up to my wife and I whether to admit him to hospital, but he got worse at home Friday so I told the GP and called an ambulance. Over that week he had been sleeping all day and can’t really stand for long or walk 10 yards without need of a seat.
All sorts of signs have gradually increased since June 2011 that he is harming himself more and more but he will only ever refer to aches and pains in terms that suggest its cause is anything but cirrhosis.
We have accepted that he is an alcoholic and living with someone who is set on harming themselves is awful, it s difficult for my children as they watch him hurt himself and they get upset. But there was no hiding the truth after he nearly died a year ago.
My sister, my wife and me are trying to pin them down on the ward tomorrow to get a consultant’s opinion of his situation, so I trust we will know more tomorrow.
I am aware that his blood pressure has dropped (which is new)and my sister was told that his blood results show poor kidney function,( which i think is also new). That would seem to suggest that the kidneys are struggling with the constant pressure caused by a combination of increasing water retention with diuretics which are having less and less effect, but we will hopefully have a clearer picture tomorrow.
I have watched him recover from his drinking binges and his ability to heal is “quite miraculous” which his GP has told me several times and I have observed first hand.
We will have to wait until we know how ill he is but it doesn’t look promising i’m afraid.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Carers))) - I'm sorry things seem to be dismal. I was in nursing school when my mom started declining in health...nothing related to alcohol/drugs, but totally overwhelming. As various organs failed, I grew more despondent and she died when I was 29 (21 years ago).
I know it's not the same, as she didn't do anything to cause her death (she had rheumatic fever when she was a child) but please know, my hugs and prayers are heading your way.
Amy
I know it's not the same, as she didn't do anything to cause her death (she had rheumatic fever when she was a child) but please know, my hugs and prayers are heading your way.
Amy
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