jessiec

(Recap: Had ugly argument yesterday with ABF who drinks but hides it and won't admit there's a problem. He said, while drunk, he wanted to end things. Also got into it with his enabler mother. Not proud of my behavior. Trying through therapy to detach, etc. But lost it. No more contact last night.)

Today has been difficult emotionally. Woke up, eyes puffy from crying all night. Felt very weak and lonely. Sent him a message asking if he was planning to meet me at church (we both started back together months ago and value this tradition and weekly time together). No he said, he went to an earlier one ... with his mom (the one I got so frustrated with. By the way, I did apologize to her this morning. She accepted.) Ouch. It hurt that he would make plans without me, but we had an awful night ... whatever.

I went to church by myself, figuring that all is over with us. Meanwhile he texts me to come join them for brunch. Um, what? (I guess this is his family's routine of acting like nothing is wrong, even though everything is awkward as hell). I say I can't. Half hour again he texts to join them. Again, I said I couldn't.

Instead I went out with a friend.

Um, while going to my friend's house and knowing he wasn't home, I dropped by his house. There are several things of mine over there I needed and didn't feel like making a big, weird deal of retrieving them. So I got them. Beer bottles in the trash. Next to the sofa. In the closet. In the carport. Everywhere.

It all makes me so sad ... and yet relieved that I'm *not* going crazy. His drinking *is* a problem. I'm *not* making a mountain out of a molehill.

I don't expect to hear back from him tonight -- he'll certainly drink the rest of the weekend away. And while his mother, who lives nearby and who he is close with, acts frustrated with his drinking, I have to wonder. Her husband (ABF's dad) is emotionally unavailable, obnoxious and rude. So I think she's probably happy having her son around more. Even if he's drinking, he's around.

Sad.

Looks like I'll be reading my Beattie books, watching The Grammy's (so sad about Whitney) and trying to get my mind right. By myself tonight. And maybe from here on out.

Thanks for listening. Just needed toget it all out.

LifeRecovery

Just hugs to send out to you.

I want to tell you that your journey (regardless of how this turns out) has been inspirational to me. You picked up on setting boundaries so fast and are really learning how to take care of yourself.

Did you read Mealody Beattie's the Language of Letting Go Today. I will post it later but it was FANTASTIC, and speaks about how when we get into recovery it can be so hard to let those around us who are not in recovery go.

Willybluedog

Hey Jessie, big hugs to you hun, you hang in there, if you need to talk I will be here.

I can tell when I found out my wife was cheating and she packed up and left, I thought I was going to self destruct, but it got better, some days up, some days down, but the trend line was always up.

You are smart, beautiful, strong, and human, you will survive and thrive!

jessiec

LR, thanks for the love! I'm always so glad to see your name on here!

OMG, YES! I read today's Letting Go passage about the bridge and it really hit home with me -- gave me chills! I'm realizing it's time to make my way across -- the sunny side will be so much better. What scares me is the very lonely walk across. I had hoped ABF and I could walk hand-in-hand there together

Had some good long talks with close friends and my parents. They really helped me, as as everyone here, get some clarity and strength. Now, I pray to keep that and continue forward.

Again, thank you! xo

jessiec

Ooops, repost!

jessiec

Appreciate you, Bill! I know it's not the end of the world, even though it might feel like that. I've also found myself feeling some gratitude in between the sorrow.It will be OK!