transformyself

My business partner isn't an A, but she's got more problems than I want to deal with.

I had an A-Ha moment about a week ago. I realized I was fighting with her, becoming angry and picking up her bait to fight, argue and lash out at each other.

A few weeks ago, we had a meeting set with my sister, who was working briefly with us. Business partner H came into the meeting weeping hysterically because her boyfriend broke up with her.

Then she needed, of course, to reschedule the meeting. It was an ongoing nightmare, and has been for years.

Anyway, I realized that I don't need to get better or learn to deal with her or do anything except decide whether or not I really want to or can work with her anymore. I have been feeling guilty becuase she only has one friend, is a freaking mess all the time and tells me she loves me.

But I have reached a point where I despise her. After she had the supposed break up wtih the boyfriend, she drove me to our layout guys office and I listened to her the whole way as she belittled and laid into her boyfriend.

That's when I realized that this is who she is. It's not that I did somethign wrong, or I'm a jerk it's that I don't want to do work with her, I don't want to be her b!tch anymore, she treats me like crap and when I try to talk to her about it, she screams at me and says, "I don't do that, YOU do."

It's crazy making stuff. and i've been doing it for years.

So, I stopped talking to her by phone. Told her she needs to email me everything, and she needs to write down her business plan. (She insists that she can't write things down unless I talk to her on the phone and then I write it down, because she's so busy with everything else that she can't write down the freaking business plan.

When I did this, when I told her email only, she texted and called me about 40 times, saying she absolutely needed to talk to me so she could "remember what the press release was about," that she needed me to write, and my not talking to her was bad for the business. That's what she tells me when I wont' do what she wants me to. It's bad for our business.

Now that I have firmly put this in place, she sent me a four page long email. i barely read it, just skimmed it to see if there were any business related things I really needed to do.

we're meeting on Monday, and I know, I just know she's going to try to reduce my income. She handles the budget. Her four page long rant included a list of what I've done wrong and how it's hurt the business and how she does everything.

I'm trying to not be fearful, but her Daddy is a lawyer and she LOVES suing people. I will need an attorney too, to deal with her. But I'm looking forward to getting away from her.

WE've done this every so often, i create a boundary and she and I just do business together for awhile, but it always ends up like this.

I don't want to hear anything she has to say about me, my performance, anything. I want to be calm and cool in the meeting, but am scared because I can barely be around her.

This qoute from Naive from another thread really really helped me today.
At least I feel validated. My feelings, my desire to not do business with her are valid. I believe we can't fix this. I just want to get away from her.

I'm afraid of not hvaing any money at all, of her kicking me out of the business (I"m half owner) and of her preventing me from being able to work. But I think that's where the attorney comes in. Let him do the worrying.

It's JUST LIKE a relationship with an A, and that tells me I need to change me. I hope I can...

suki44883

I've hesitated to say this for quite a while, but...maybe you should think about getting out of that situation and getting a regular job. You've been dealing with that crap for years and nothing is getting better and appears to be getting worse. You have enough on your plate with the kids and the husband. I know you enjoy having your own business, but if it causes this much grief for so many years, maybe it's time to just let her buy you out and go get a regular job with regular hours and pay that is consistent.

blueblooms14

If you do not trust her or get along with her, do not let her control your money/income and figure out a way to finesse your way out of the partnership, asap. If you two can’t interact honestly and easily within the parameters of the business, and the relationship itself interferes with productivity, it's not going to work, and your wealth and reputation (therefore, professional future) is at risk. Time for exit strategy.

transformyself

yes, yes and yes.

I'm meeting with an attorney tomorrow, have to find my business partnership papers. Suki you're right, I've been miserable for so long with her, but I think the thing that keeps me in this is that it's such a niche market, and I've really made the paper what it is, being the editor.

As far as a regular job goes, though, there aren't many of them in this part of the country, especially in my industry.

I don't want a huge battle with her, which is what this will be. But seriously? It's an ongoing battle anyway.

My love for the paper keeps me here, plus she will try to make me sign something saying I can't start another business that competes with ours when I leave.

It's just like an A--the pain of staying has had to get greater than the fear of what she'll do when we leave.

Thanks for listening.

skylarkswings

wow, what an eye opener-thanks for sharing-

blwninthewind

Is there any way you can kind of manipulate the situation so that SHE decides that she doesn't want to work with you anymore.... I hate to say that but being that she is a sue happy kinda nutjob it may be better to just purposely set yourself up in a way that lets her walk away feeling like she's won without bringing in legal action or fighting ...
I mean you really can't argue with crazy people so why waste your time or money.

transformyself

I've been thinking about that, blwn, but it makes me feel worse.

I was able to make her move to the next office, but being such a slob she couldn't stand it. We were sharing an office, which meant she had the big desk in the corner by both windows and I was at a little table across from her.

As long as I just eat whatever she dishes out to me, everything is fine.

I will let the attorney look at the documents and try to figure out how to deal with this. The main thing is that she will be very vindictive. I know her and I've already made her very mad by telling her I'm not going to be held hostage by her hysterics any longer.

transformyself

Plus, the thing that makes me feel the most better, is to just let go completely. I really want to be rid of her. But need to protect myself legally.

LifeRecovery

Transform-

I just want to say thank you for this post.

The last few weeks I have gotten a real eye opener about how I stay in things that don't work for me any longer. It is almost always because I am hoping a situation will improve but it is ALWAYS about the fact that my energy is going outward to someone else or something else to try and fix something. I end up feeling judgemental about the other person, then feel bad because I feel judgemental, then try to fix it. A vicous circle it becomes.

I have started to ask myself (in the moment when I can remember). What do I need to do right now to take care of myself? Often it is simple and for some reason my answers never feel judgemental, selfish or "bad." They feel like taking care of myself.

Thanks for writing out what you did and helping to verbalize this for me...and that I am not alone.

transformyself

No thank YOU. This really helped. Thank you.

transformyself

Hi Everybody
Hope you all made it through Valentines Day in one piece

I was talking to my oh so wise sister about this situation earlier and asked her if she's ever known anyone like my business partner and she said, "Oh yeah, but they're not allowed to be in my life anymore."

How freaking brilliant is that?

The thing that baffles me the most is my own inclination to invalidate my own needs and feelings. Why don't I want to be in business with her? She must be right about me, I must be the problem.

It's bizarre to me, the power this disease holds over me still. Disentangling from her is like disentangling from an A. The tricks she uses are hysterics, threats and intimidation, off set by how much she "loves," me and I'm one of the only people she trusts. No wonder it's been such nightmare! That's straight out of my childhood, from my A father.

he was abusive, neglectful, and told me that all I would ever have is my family. Sick.

We're meeting Friday, I have been sick as hell for the last week and don't know if I'll be able to meet with the attorney first, but I will have my wits about me and know my boundaries. I just have to stand my ground firmly and see the situation for what it is, instead of a mirror image of my jacked up childhood.

Thanks for the feedback. Thank you to SR for offering this place of healing.

transformyself

Good morning SR family.

I'm having my meeting with my business partner today. My plan: get the hell out of the business partnership and offer to edit the paper for two issues.

She's sent me an agenda, one that includes all sorts of questions like, "did we reach our goal? What can we do differently?"

I'm so sick of dealing with her. I'm already totally freaked out about being in the same room with her, looking at this agenda. She's set it up to spell out how I've failed at my job and explain why she is docking me pay because she handles the budget.

she's always handled the budget, pays me what she wants when she wants to.

I can't decide how to tell her I'm leaving the business. Should I do it at the beginning of the meeting? I need to get paid, but I know she's working to screw me out of it.

My sister and the other contractors need to get paid too.

Mostly I just want to walk away from this. I'm so nervous about the meeting.

suki44883

Did you two have a contract drawn up when you went into business? If so, what does it say about dissolving the partnership? If you didn't have a contract, you very well may be at her mercy unless you get an attorney and fight for what you think you should get.

LaTeeDa

I don't know the ins and outs of your business arrangement, but it would seem to me that keeping things at a business-only level is the way to go. If you are a contractor, then bring an invoice of what you are owed. Relax and breathe. This is a business. Treat it as such. Keep the emotion out of it. (Then, when the meeting is over, get in your car, turn up the music, and scream as loud as you want, lol.)

L

transformyself

We're 50% owners, with at will dissolving clause. Easy, except her father is a ruthless attorney and she enjoys threatening to sue people. The good news is that I have five of the states best lawyers who will help me in a nano second, but I want to avoid that if possible.

She came to the meeting with only business and very well behaved. It startled me at first, then I realized that this has happened in cycles for the past two years.

I think, and I've thought all night about this, I think that when I make clear boundaries, she fights then respects them. If I leave, she's screwed, and she knows it. I write and edit the entire paper. The community doesn't know her and those who do don't like her. I'm often asked why I work with her and when we changed our on-line banner from "Midwest," to "American," this last issue, people where all excited and said, "Transforms taking over the whole country!" No mention of my business partner, who founded and works hard on the paper. I feel sorry for her in some ways.

It's probable that I move those good boundary lines; hand over my good boundaries. And when I do this, when I allow us to have a more persona relationship rather than professional, over time, she becomes more demanding, more childish and insistent.

It takes awhile, until I'm diving myself crazy, but eventaully I draw another boundary. She fights it but finally gives in.

I'm thinking if I would hold the good boundaries these issues would be minimized. But that would involved taking responsibility for my own actions now wouldn't it?

For now, I'm confused. But grateful for the help and insight

transformyself

Nope. I just hate this woman. Everything about her.

Have to sort out the smartest way to get out of it.

The reason for this revelation is that she still hasn't changed. She's sending me emails saying how she can't possibly discuss the expansion of the paper because the work load is not distributed equally and she needs to focus on the next issue of the paper.

More BS, more delaying tactics, more drama.