Terrible night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Terrible night
Long story short: Been here before. In love with an ABF who doesn't think he has a problem (he comes from a family of As). Was hoping in vain things
would magically change. Of course they haven't. I set a boundary not to be around him/talk to him when he drinks (we do not live together). So now He doesn't drink around me and then sneaks when I'm not around (which has interfered with plans when he couldn't sober up in time. It all leaves me very anxious. I am in therapy.
(Oh, and we are in our 30s -- before you think the immature story you are about to hear is about teens!)
Tonight I didn't make plans with him -- I had a day planned with a girlfriend and I just knew he'd be drunk when I got back. Sure enough, I was right. He was slurring and I found myself seething. (Intellectually I know it's a disease, etc etc. I do.) I was pissed. We got into an ugly, ugly phone fight that lead to a hang up.
Here's where it gets worse. His phone died. I knew he was visiting his
Parents and called his mom (we are close and she shares my frustration with his drinking but is an enabler.) He and I argued further. He said he just wants to have a good time and that I don't. He said let's end things. I said OK. Then I talked to his mother and ended up taking my frustration outon her. I yelled at her for enabling him etc etc. UGLY. She said she had to go.
I am absolutely not proud about my behavior at all, with him and especially with her. I hate that I lost all my cool and my temper. I am so frustrated and exhausted. I have never loved someone so much and now his disease has broken my heart and fried my head.
Don't know what will happen from here.
I owe her an apology.
I owe me peace.
would magically change. Of course they haven't. I set a boundary not to be around him/talk to him when he drinks (we do not live together). So now He doesn't drink around me and then sneaks when I'm not around (which has interfered with plans when he couldn't sober up in time. It all leaves me very anxious. I am in therapy.
(Oh, and we are in our 30s -- before you think the immature story you are about to hear is about teens!)
Tonight I didn't make plans with him -- I had a day planned with a girlfriend and I just knew he'd be drunk when I got back. Sure enough, I was right. He was slurring and I found myself seething. (Intellectually I know it's a disease, etc etc. I do.) I was pissed. We got into an ugly, ugly phone fight that lead to a hang up.
Here's where it gets worse. His phone died. I knew he was visiting his
Parents and called his mom (we are close and she shares my frustration with his drinking but is an enabler.) He and I argued further. He said he just wants to have a good time and that I don't. He said let's end things. I said OK. Then I talked to his mother and ended up taking my frustration outon her. I yelled at her for enabling him etc etc. UGLY. She said she had to go.
I am absolutely not proud about my behavior at all, with him and especially with her. I hate that I lost all my cool and my temper. I am so frustrated and exhausted. I have never loved someone so much and now his disease has broken my heart and fried my head.
Don't know what will happen from here.
I owe her an apology.
I owe me peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Hugs. If that's the worst that your frustration leads you to do, you're okay. Truly.
Oh, and forget any maturity regarding alcoholic drinking. My aexh recently told our daughter he was going to stop drinking. He moved it past her bedtime, which I could have predicted, and she saw through it, which I could have predicted too. She's a preteen. He's in his 40s.
Irrationality eventually breeds irrationality in the sane people trying to deal with the original madness. My experience is that confronting enablers is almost as useless as confronting alcoholics-- they've gotten lost in irrationality too-- but we try it because it seems the logical thing to do. Go easy on yourself
Oh, and forget any maturity regarding alcoholic drinking. My aexh recently told our daughter he was going to stop drinking. He moved it past her bedtime, which I could have predicted, and she saw through it, which I could have predicted too. She's a preteen. He's in his 40s.
Irrationality eventually breeds irrationality in the sane people trying to deal with the original madness. My experience is that confronting enablers is almost as useless as confronting alcoholics-- they've gotten lost in irrationality too-- but we try it because it seems the logical thing to do. Go easy on yourself
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Good for you for making plans without ABF. Hope you enjoyed the time you had with your girlfriend even though the day didn't end the way you may have hoped.
I am in my 50s and I tried for many years to find peace married to my AH. Peace never came until I stopped lashing out at AH with my frustrations. Even now that I have found a lot of peace I still give it up at times.
There are still moments when I need to apologize to my kids and to RAH and to other family and to people at work because my frustrations get the best of me and I don't always deal with them peacefully.
But I do have a lot of peace, more than I have ever had in my whole life, even before I met AH.
I am grateful for that and for Alanon which I have been going to for 2 years now.
There is peace and you will find it when you are ready.
I am in my 50s and I tried for many years to find peace married to my AH. Peace never came until I stopped lashing out at AH with my frustrations. Even now that I have found a lot of peace I still give it up at times.
There are still moments when I need to apologize to my kids and to RAH and to other family and to people at work because my frustrations get the best of me and I don't always deal with them peacefully.
But I do have a lot of peace, more than I have ever had in my whole life, even before I met AH.
I am grateful for that and for Alanon which I have been going to for 2 years now.
There is peace and you will find it when you are ready.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
We are all human, my wife reminds me constantly that it is called "Spritual Practice" for a reason, we must practice-practice-practice, and even then we will not be perfect.
Apologize to his mom, it will make you both feel better.
Hope you will find your way to counseling or al-anon, I have been making great strides in detaching from my alcoholic mother and enabling father, I have much more peace in my life now that I am able to let go (most of the time).
Big hugs to you, please don't beat yourself up, if you need me I will be here for you.
Bill
Apologize to his mom, it will make you both feel better.
Hope you will find your way to counseling or al-anon, I have been making great strides in detaching from my alcoholic mother and enabling father, I have much more peace in my life now that I am able to let go (most of the time).
Big hugs to you, please don't beat yourself up, if you need me I will be here for you.
Bill
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