Redheadsusie

Well- I think truly that if my AH gave up alcohol he would still have the major issue of being a verbal abuser. My son and I went to see the movie Safehouse tonight - which is good by the way- and before we did we spent time in Barnes and Noble reading. I found a great book called The Verbally Abusive Man- Can he Change by Patricia Evans - WOW - I was reading about my AH and our relationship. I was shocked at how closely he fit the bill - of course now he is in the honeymoon stage and being nice - textbook- actually nice for him just means no yelling and cursing - that is about as nice as it gets - I don't have much to do with him- he does not ask me about me - does not care and I quit asking him about him. Why bother - his world is all about him. While we were at the movie - he sat in his room and drank alone as usual. My first counseling session is Monday and I am very hopeful. I will not grow old with someone who treats me this way drinking or not. I am worthy of a lot more. Life is precious and I am so blessed in so many ways- just have to figure out how and why allowed and allow myself to be treated like this. Thank you for listening.

Impurrfect

(((Susie))) - I'm glad you're taking the steps to take care of you. I know I realized that even if my XABF got into recovery, was in recovery for years, I still don't think I'd ever have been able to trust him. He wasn't abusive, he was a chronic liar, though, and I can't say whether it was the drugs or not. I just knew, when I got a little recovery under my belt (both codependency and the addiction we shared), I was never going to trust him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Willybluedog

Susie,

I was guilty of this in the past, part of it was learned behavior, both my parents were bad about it, but my alcoholic mother was especially brutal, I found that as my treatment for depression progressed (prozac and therapy) that I was able to curb my tongue, most of it was a self-defense mechanism, some of it was simple lashing out when hurt, and some of it was in repsonse to a serious lack of self-esteem.

Your AH's verbal abuse may get better along with his recovery, or he may just be an a$$-hat.

So sorry for all you are going thorugh, hang in there, if you would like to talk then I will be here.

Big hugs,

Bill

PurpleWilder

I am sorry this is happening to you. I had to put up with this too. People often think that because it is just words, it doesn't hurt as much as other types of abuse. Bullfeathers.

There is a book you really MUST get that will help you with the verbal abuse.

It is called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It was written by a man who had run anger managment and behavioral therapy programs for abusive men for years. I actually paid full price for this book after being given the first 3 chapters by a domestic abuse counselor - and as a self-proclaimed book addict I never pay full price for a book! On my shelf this book is written in, tattered and worn. I highly recommend it.

It really details all of the tactics used by abusive men to control their partners and emphasizes that alcohol and drug use DO NOT CAUSE abusiveness. They may lower a person's inhabitions to expressing it, but essentially abusiveness is a manifestation of a person's core beliefs about how they think things should be - an excellent point to remember.

wanttobehealthy

Verbal abuse, imo is far more hurtful than physical. My xAH abused me physically only a few times but the verbal abuse that is intangible and unproveable and cuts to your very core has been far far harder to deal with.

The book that was recommended, Why Does He Do That?, is an eye opener. Please do not be persuaded by his honeymoon phase behavior now. I don't think verbally abusive men just stop being abusive one day.

Sending caring thoughts your way.

Redheadsusie

Thank you all so much. I have read the post on here that had all of the Chapters in that book you mentioned detailed and people's responses and it was good stuff. I will read the entire book too. Feel kind of numb these days - not thinking a lot about him - my Daddy had to get an IV when he was at the Cancer doctor yesterday - his blood sugar was 43.. 40 freaking 3- he was the original tyrant - dont get me wrong I love him and since my Mom died 2 years ago my sisters and I - have been solely taking care of him at his home with Stage 4 Cancer and Diabetes. He won't be told what to do - by us - by the doctors - by nobody- we are all ass hats ( love that word by the way thanks) that is why his blood sugar was 43. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. I just pray for him to find peace ....... I guess that is where I learned verbal abuse is normal - I grew up with it and we are still afraid to speak back to him. Thank you again! Today will be a great day!

fourmaggie

i agree with this...trust is so hard after the rollar coaster ride....i got off along time ago....even if he did change....

PurpleWilder

Bancroft talks about this too in his book....

The Abusive Man's Cycles

*The Tension Building Phase
During this period, your partner is collecting negative points about you and squirreling them away for safekeeping. Every little thing you have done wrong, each disappointment he has experienced, any way in which you have failed to live up to his image of the perfect selfless woman - all goes down as a black mark against your name....abusers nurse their grievances. To defend against any complaints you attempt to express, the abuser stockpiles his collected grievances like weapons to protect his precious terrain of selflessness and irresponsibliity....

*The Eruption
The abusive man tends to mentally collect resentments toward you until he feels you deserve a punishment. Once he is ready to blow, the tiniest spark will ignite him....after he blows, [he] absolves himself of guilt by thinking of himself as having lost control, the victim of his partner's provocations or his own intolerable pain....he may consider women's emotional reactions - such as breaking into tears - contemptible....but when a man has powerful emotions, even violence may be excusable.

*The "Hearts and Flowers" Stage
After the apologies are over, the abuser may enter a period of relative calm. He appears to have achieved a catharsis....he feels rejuvenated and may speak the language of a fresh start, of steering the relationship in a new direction....he wants to get back in his partner's good graces; he may want sex, and he seeks reassurance that she isn't going to leave him - or expose him. Cards and gifts are common in this phase....[he] does not, however, want to look seriously at himself; he is merely looking to paste up some wallpaper to cover the holes he has made....and return to business as usual. The good period can't last because nothing has changed. His coercive habits, his double standards, his contempt are all still there. The cycle is repeated because there is no reason why it wouldn't be.

A Closer Look at the Good Periods

The good periods....perform several functions, including....

*His spurts of kindness and generosity help him to feel good about himself. He can persuade himself that you are the one who messed up....

*You gradually feel warmer and more trusting towards him. The good periods are critical to hooking you back into the relationship....

*While you are feeling more trusting, you expose more of your true feelings about....issues in your life and you show him more caring, which creates vulnerability that he can use later to control you....

*He uses the good periods to shape his public image, making it harder for you to get people to believe he is abusive.

brownhorse

Me, too. Red headed susie. Me, too.