Is confronting the same as controlling?
 

My AH hasn't had a drink since the 2nd and is doing really good for a change. The problem is a little too good. I am about 99.9999% sure he is using meth. He had a problem with it about 6 years ago and when he got clean from it about 6 months later he started drinking.

On one hand it is killing me not to say I know what you are doing I am not blind. On the other hand I know what will be said. I guess this is just how I act when I'm not drunk. blah blah blah.

All in all I have come to the decision that I will be leaving him. As much as I love him I am tired of the roller coaster ride.

My opinion? No. Confronting is not the same as controlling UNLESS by confronting you are hoping that there will be some changed behavior on the other person's part.

Confronting to state your feelings (vs feeling you are required to keep quiet lest you rouse the elephant in the room) particularly when followed by a statement of what your boundaries are and what you will follow through with are all (IMO) healthy.

When I would confront AH about his drinking it was for the purpose of trying to convince him to change, to help him see what harm he was doing to himself and others... That was okay for me to do-- sure I had the right to-- but it did no good for my peace, for changing him or for anything changing in me.

When I confronted him and said "this is my boundary, these are my non negotiables and I will base what I will think and what I will do about this r/s on the actions I see from you and not your words" that was a different kind of confronting and it was healthier. That kind of confronting was me just stating what my plans were and I expected nothing from him.

My opinion? No. Confronting is not the same as controlling UNLESS by confronting you are hoping that there will be some changed behavior on the other person's part.

Confronting to state your feelings (vs feeling you are required to keep quiet lest you rouse the elephant in the room) particularly when followed by a statement of what your boundaries are and what you will follow through with are all (IMO) healthy.

When I would confront AH about his drinking it was for the purpose of trying to convince him to change, to help him see what harm he was doing to himself and others... That was okay for me to do-- sure I had the right to-- but it did no good for my peace, for changing him or for anything changing in me.

When I confronted him and said "this is my boundary, these are my non negotiables and I will base what I will think and what I will do about this r/s on the actions I see from you and not your words" that was a different kind of confronting and it was healthier. That kind of confronting was me just stating what my plans were and I expected nothing from him.

Is either one of you in some sort of a recovery program?

Hasnt had a drink since the 2nd? ....I remember counting the days too.
and then the next week, recounting them all over again. Its a repeated
cycle over and over again...It will make a person very tired!

99.9% right he is using meth...Good for you, for not being blind anymore!

Your the only one, that can un-buckle yourself from that roller coaster ride!

Hang in there girl, it does get better :)

I did the same as WTBH...I would confront XAH in the hopes of getting him to "realize" that he was out of control and that he needed help (from me) to change his behaviour. Unless you are able to speak with detachment, knowing that it'll probably cause a backlash of denial/anger on his part, simply say "I know you're using again" and walk away without any expectation...then go ahead.

IMO, there's no point in confronting seeing as you've already made up your mind that you don't enjoy living on a rollercoaster.

It isn't so much of me wanting him to see the errors in his ways. He knows and I could talk until I am blue in the face. It is just when he acts like he is being such a good boy. He made the comment yesterday of how all he has to do is set his mind to it and he can do anything and he decided he was going to be and stay sober. I didn't even comment on that one. But, I wanted to look at him and say switching your DOC does not make you sober.

No he isn't in AA or anything. He claims he doesn't need it because he doesn't have a problem. I have been to 2 AL-Anon meetings so far. That is still an issue with him. We fight about that often. I am reading getting them sober and the new codependency. I am on here almost daily. Lots and lots of reading.

Oh I see.

Still, putting him in his place (though it would feel SSOOOOOO good) wouldn't accomplish much. It seems like you've come to the place "knowing your own truth" and not needing him to validate that anymore, which is awesome.

I don't know the particulars about your situation or how you plan to leave, but in my case, I had to "play nice", even taking my infant daughter to him for visitation twice a week, knowing full well he waited till I left to drink, until I got full custody and my divorce. After it was all over, I was glad I held my tongue!

Yes putting him in his place would feel good. :c031: But, I also feel like by not saying anything in a way it is kinda like avoiding it????? I don't know I am the worlds best/worst when it comes to denial. It feels kinda like denial in not saying anything.

It is so hard! I feel the right thing would be not to say anything. I know he is using. He knows he is using. So what is the point of him knowing I know. Maybe he even knows I know.

And maybe, knowing this, he doesn't give a flying F...

You're on your way out, right? So what's your exit strategy?

When school is out in May I am going to move to my moms 4 hours away. I have been saving money updating my resume and have talked to my older kids about it. My mom has agreed to let us stay with her and my stepdad until we are on our feet. My stepdad has even offered to buy me a house and possibly has found me a job. My AH will not know when I leave. He will be out of town for job reasons around that time. I just need to talk to my boss and put in my notice. Pack what I want and leave the rest. Get a lawyer.....still working on that one.

I have left him once before when we was younger with one child and one on the way. Unrelated to drugs and alcohol. Maybe??? I don't know now looking back. It was the hardest thing I ever done. I probably wouldn't have gone back to him then if I hadn't been pregnant. I blame hormones...lol

((Laney)))- I'm glad you're working on your exit plan. What I do when someone is saying one thing, my gut or their actions are saying something else is just say "hmm" and keep doing what I'm doing or walk away.

I admit, there are times my mouth still speaks before my brain thinks, but in my case, people who know me, know that when I say "hmm" it's either the end of the conversation or I'm not going there.

One of the tools I learned from here, btw:)

Hugs and prayers,

Amy