whatamess

... help me out here.

I have finally summoned up the courage to end it but I am so scared. Of what, I don't really know. I feel as if I am going mad.

My AH won't discuss the practicalities of separating and just keeps going on about how I mustn't break up the family, what a fantastic marriage we have and how I am going to damage his and my three children's lives. According to him his drinking is getting much better and he is dealing with it, although he doesn't feel the need to stop completely.

It is our 15 year anniversary of being together on Sat. He wrote me a card this morning about how much he loves me but not one word about his drinking (even though I have explained to him that is the reason why I am divorcing him). He keeps acting as if nothing has happened. It is messing with my head.

Appointment a bit later this morning. Wish me luck. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Pelican

((((Hugs))) and encouragement.

You will be okay.

naive

yeah, it's weird. total denial. like if they just ignore it, it never happened.

you'll be fine. just put one foot in front of the other.

alcoholics appear to be operating in some sort of parallel reality. you are sane. you are sober. trust yourself.

good luck!
naive

Hopeworks

You are powerful beyond measure! Watch these videos and feel the power... trust yourself and you will see that you can do this!

These are some of my fav inspirational videos:

Free Hugs Campaign - Official Page (music by Sick Puppies.net ) - YouTube

Best Motivational video ever - YouTube

Inspiration: Powerful Beyond Measure (how great are you?) - YouTube

lillamy

You will be OK.
It's scary. But, as someone here said to me, it's better for children to have one functional single parent than to have two parents acting unhealthy because of alcohol.

Go for it! And don't let yourself get overwhelmed by what the lawyer tells you. If you can, bring a good friend with you who can take notes!

wanttobehealthy

Accept as best you can now (to save yourself heartache later) that he is not going to "get it". If he did, he'd be getting help for his alcoholism. I totally get how hard it is.

You are NOT breaking up your family. You are protecting yourself and your kids.

Sending lots of thoughts and support your way.

PixieGirl

Thanks for posting, just want to send some more support your way! I'm very much in the same boat with a STBXAH who does not and will not accept that the alcoholism ruined our marriage. I like what WTBH said that if he did 'get it' then he'd be getting help for his alcoholism. I get to feeling pretty guilty sometimes about 'splitting up the family' which he totally plays on so I just remind myself over and over and over that he was the one who continuously poured alcohol into his body, not me. Take care! Let us know how it goes!

whatamess

Thanks everyone for your posts and support.

I have now been to see the lawyer and the meeting went well.The hard part is trying to deal with my AH who I will still have to live with for the moment

AH rang me in the middle of the day in a rage because he had received a text from a mate saying he is sorry things are over. This happened because I had to cancel a planned get-together on Sat night and so explained to those due to come that we are splitting up (though gave no reason why). AH is furious I have told anyone we have split as he "still hasn't given up on us"

I am now worried that this could become unpleasant because he doesn't seem to want to let go.

inpieces314

If he really didn't want to let go he would have accepted responsibility and tried to get help for himself. Obviously, he has let go.

LaTeeDa

It most likely will become unpleasant and it's best to be prepared for that. My AH became unpleasant when it finally dawned on him that I was serious. This was partly my doing, since I had threatened him so many times and never followed through on my threats. He didn't think I ever would. When I did, he reacted badly.

My therapist told me that once they find out they can't have the love, they want the money. It turned out to be true in my case. Luckily, he was mostly bluster and didn't follow through on many of his threats.

I'm not trying to scare you, just letting you know it's best to be prepared for a change of character. Don't presume he will be agreeable about everything. He likely won't.

L

whatamess

You are right at the end of the day. It is just that he seems to feel entitled to carry on drinking and have his family around him. I feel as if I live with a crazy person ... well I suppose in a way I am!

whatamess

LaTeeDa - thanks for the warning. I think, like in your situation, my AH is quite shocked because I have actually followed through. Also, I do need to be prepared for the fact it could turn nasty.

inpieces314

Yeah, and they try to make it all your fault, like you are the crazy one, you are insane, you are stupid, you are blind, etc. etc. etc. It gets to the point where you actually start to believe it.

The turning point for me was when his best friend said he agreed with me about how he needs help and everything else. If we two are the two people who know him best in the world and agree with each other (which has never happened before), how long will it be before the rest of the world sees through his lies?

Anyway, what can they expect when you have been threatening it for so long? If they wanted a family, they would change. Not even that, but at least make an attempt. Obviously, the family isn't worth it, so he's the one losing out. Not you. And he knows it, that is why he is so angry now.

Cyranoak

You can do it!

Carol Star

He's choosing. I came in second to a cold beer everytime. You will make it.

naive

once, i lived with a boyfriend i had already broken up with for one month, until my new apartment was ready. it was a month from hell. i promised myself i would never do that again.

in all likelihood, it will turn ugly. any options to move termporarily into a different place until the divorce goes through? or, perhaps he can go somewhere else? maybe a mediator can help ?

whatamess

Unfortunately, I can't move out as I have no family nearby. However, when the lawyer's letter is sent to him next week it will strongly suggest he moves in with his parents who live very near in a big house. Fingers crossed he will agree but I can't force him out as he co-owns the house.

I was dreading AH coming home last night and it made me realise that I am quite scared of his temper. He rarely shouts but he often slam/kick objects in a fury.

Anyway, last night AH was feeling very sorry for himself and decided to try the "poor me" approach. He still spent most of the evening trying to persuade me to stay, which I ignored. He was quite calm until I mentioned that he will receive the divorce petition next week.

The funniest thing was that AH then became outraged that I hadn't cooked him supper!!
:rotfxko

I pointed out that I wouldn't be doing any of his cooking/washing in future as the lawyer says we have to show we are now living separate lives. He started shouting and slamming doors but I just asked him to pipe down because he was interrupting my TV programme. It felt good to stand up for myself.

naive

whatamess...

just sharing my experience, mine started out throwing things and slamming doors. breaking things. i will never forget the day i looked out the window to the parking lot below our apartment and saw two old ladies looking at something. i looked harder and realized it was my mangos, all smashed, as he must have thrown them from our kitchen window.

then, i moved into the guest room. then he started breaking that door down. then he started blocking my exit from the house. then he threw me down a concrete stairwell.

leaving is a very dangerous time and my red flags are going up with yours slamming and kicking objects in a fury. and now, you're not cooking him dinner. he's not going to like that.

is there any way you can move out temporarily to a friend's house, bed and breakfast or even a youth hostel? they often have private rooms.

alternatively, i see you are in london...perhaps contact your local council, explain you are living with a violent drunk and require assistance with temporary housing?

i contacted the homeless department of my local council, and they offered me temporary housing immediately, either local or they were even willing to relocate me. and it wasn't to a shelter, it was to a furnished flat.

i know it sounds like a lot of hassle but it will keep you safe. and it can't be more hassle than my broken shoulder was to me....

stay safe.
naive

Sail48

Wow....he said divorce would damage the kids? Who's shouting and acting out of control. Good for you...you're a lot faster than me. I've been in what my therapist calls the denial stage and I have to agree. Seperate for a while, keep breathing in and out and take care of yourself and the kids. Good for you!