Confusion
 

I haven't been with my now ex boyfriend for too long but we had a really good connection and support structure. Things got a little rocky and he considered himself a "functioning alcoholic" or something along those lines. It was when he started drinking because of stress that he got scared of slipping and he started going back to meetings.

He told me he wanted to take a break and start over as friends, now he's saying some people wait at least a year. I thought that having the support and love of a relationship might be able to help, I understand that this isn't always the case. All I can say is that I'm in a lot of pain. I want to be there for him and help and support him in any way that I can. He didn't let it control him but he felt like it could so he took a step back and re-evaluated a lot of things in his life.

I think what he's doing is amazing and I'm so happy for him. I love him deeply and want to be there in any way that he needs me to be, but I don't know what to do. I feel like there's this hole in my chest and it's eating away at me.

What I'm getting at is:
Can an alcoholic in recovery be in a relationship? I know everyone's different but I truly have no idea what to do and I'm at a complete loss. All I know is that I hurt and I love him and I want to be with him and be there for him. Does anyone on here have a successful story like this or any advice? I could use some positivity at the moment.

Hi JB,

I think its true, that anybody under any circumstances can be in a relationship....

Perhaps your main reason for concern should be how to express love and support, and be part of one another's world, without the chaos and destruction that can sometimes go along with alocoholism?

There is nothing that stops you from loving and supporting (emotionally) this person, from encouraging this person...even as you hold on to your wallet and ensure your boundries are such that you protect yourself from any problems that might arise...being friends sounds like a good thing...

thats my gut reaction anyway~~

yeah, AA recommends having a year of sobriety before engaging in a relationship.

he will know himself if he is on slippery ground. his focus needs to be on his recovery.

the good news is that he's not taking you along on that ride, it's a rocky road.

if you love him, then respect his recovery. you can be supportive without pulling at him.

Having been involved in a long term relationship with an alcoholic I have set a boundary for myself. I will never be in a relationship with an alcoholic again, recovering or not.

For me there is nothing that I can get out of such a relationship other than worry or pain. I have no need to put myself in that position again.

Your friend,

As I said, the alcohol itself wasn't effecting him; it was the want of alcohol to deal with stress. He wasn't blowing his whole check on it or drunk every night. He just started to feel like he wanted it to aid in calming his nerves. I am very respectful of his recovery and I want him to focus on himself and I want to help and support him. If he was a full blown mess and had lost himself in it then I might not feel this way, he caught himself and didn't let it go that far.

I'm just wondering if a relationship can be beneficial in aiding in a circumstance like this. Having that kind of comfort and support can help can't it? It's a different kind of comfort and support than just friends; having that connection and allowing that kind of connection between you and another person, it's a different kind of connection than just friends.

If it will hurt his recovery then I understand, I want to support that not hinder it; but I'm wondering if it can help or if there are any success stories out there. I guess I'm looking for hope or reassurance that this kind of love and the connection that two people share when in a supportive relationship can help.

Speaking gently here because I can see you are hurting but....

He has said he wants to take a break and start over as friends. It really does not matter what worked for anyone else or what you want to do for him. He has told you want he needs or wants for himself and I think the only thing to do is accept that and decide if being friends with someone you want more with is a direction you are willing to go. Not sure I could do that :hug:

I think it is a good thing that he is not giving up on the relationship. He realizes that he needs help and that if he continues, he is going to lose the relationship. He is many steps ahead of other addicts who use and abuse others because they think it is their right. I would just let him be, when he is ready he will come back to you. And it sounds like he will be doing even better for both of you whenever that time comes. Just be there if he needs it, but step away if he doesn't. Trust me, I know this is hard.

as he takes this break for himself....in AA

whats stopping you for going help for yourself? .....in AL ANON...its a wonderful group and you would get more insite on yourself.....

been with my home group for 2 years coming in April...and its a life change...not going back to "that" again....i am learning about me and what makes me tick and tack....:c031:

I know, he means a lot to me and if it's meat to be it will be. I've spent so much time focusing on how great the past was and how scared I am for the future instead of focusing on the here an now, and right now he needs me and I don't want to throw him off. Hopefully the support and comfort I offer helps and he remembers it when he's ready.

He has said that he's scared though because we are so close and we do care about each other that it might confuse him, I told him that I wouldn't let it happen. Thanks everybody for your insights and everything. If anybody else wants to add to this please do, still working on focusing on the positivity and hope of it all and this is helping so please keep adding if you have anything else to say.

Alanon. If what you are saying is true you will go to at least six Alanon meetings before deciding if it is for you.

He also said that he's going to go through so many changes that when he is ready for ANY relationship again that we might not feel the same about each other. I understand and accept the positive changes he's going to be making and I'm working on making some of my own but I'm getting discouraged. I know he's going to have a new outlook and whatnot but I would like to believe that no matter what improvements we make during this time that the people we fell for are still going to be there..I'm getting really confused.
Found some Al-Anon meetings in my area though and I'm planning on attending. Whether it's as friends, more than friends, or whatever, I want to know what he's going through and I want to be informed enough to be supportive in the right ways.

Anvilhead, he has asked for my help and support and has thanked me repeatedly for being so understanding and supportive. He calls me frequently to talk about the changes he's going through and the progress he's made. This is about him and I realize that more and more each day. I've been hurting over this as I didn't even know this was a problem for him and it blindsided me. I'm willing to do and be what he needs and help him when he asks for it. I've offered my support and assistance but I'm not going to push. He knows that I'm here if he needs anything.

That quote combined with "I feel like there's this hole in my chest and it's eating away at me," makes me think that you maybe tend to get a little lost in your relationships?

In my relationship with the alcoholic in my life, I was completely wrapped up in her life. Even though she was sick, I totally looked up to her and anything out of her mouth went right to my heart. If it was good, I felt good. If it was bad, I felt like crap. Let me tell you: That's no way to live.

Through Al-Anon, I've learned to detach from my alcoholic. Now, she can share her feelings and I can listen with compassion...without feeling her feelings. I can be apart from her without being lonely. I can be myself without needing to be what she wants me to be. Sometimes it's hard...but it's sooo worth it.

My wife has been working at her recovery for almost two years and she's stronger and wiser than I've ever seen her. I've been working at my own recovery, and I truly feel that I've experienced a lot of personal and spiritual growth. Working on myself, has made our relationship stronger. Actually, it saved our relationship.

I've done a lot of soul searching and personal growth this past week as well Matt, I was lost, and very confused (hence my subject line). I didn't know what to do, it appeared to come out of nowhere. I didn't know he had been worrying about it or that it was an issue..but I didn't know anything about recovering alcoholics. I am generally an open and understanding person and when it comes to someone I care about...there isn't much I wouldn't do for them (that wasn't unhealthy or harmed them). I just wanted hope. I've been going through a lot myself these past few weeks and I'm new to this scene. I've done a little research and I want to be able to be there for him, give him rides to meetings, give him an ear when he wants to talk, hug him when it's been a bad day, etc. I'm trying to stay positive for him, and more so for me. I encourage him, ask him about his day and how meetings went. I know that nobody can truly "get the hang of this", it's not an easy thing for anyone, but I'm understanding more and more each day. I told him that I'm going to be taking this time for my own personal development as well, and I fully intend on continuing. If it's meant to be then we'll come back to it stronger, more empowered, and healthier people. It may take me a while but I can usually find a silver lining in most situations.

You can't "fix" the alcoholic, but you can work on yourself. I think that if you keep that in mind, you're on the right track. I highly recommend Al-Anon. It helps to learn when "helping" isn't helping...but mostly it's a program for you. Good luck on your path.

I've thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting, he told me there are also open AA meetings that I could go to as well. I know that I can't "fix" anything. There's nothing to fix, he's sick. He needs to heal. I'm just going to be there for him and support him in his healing. And I'm going to do some healing and growing of my own. I'm not sure if Al-Anon is going to really benefit me though, I've looked into it and it appears to be for those who are affected by the drinking, and I wasn't. It didn't ever get out of control and the drinking part didn't become the issue, he stopped that before it did. I'm affected now. Is that what Al-Anon is for? I don't want to go and find out I'm there for the wrong reasons. My hurt isn't the drinking, it's that he didn't tell me about his fears and thoughts sooner and I'm hurting from the separation, naturally, but I know it's what he needs to be healthy and happy and that's his priority. Mine is making sure that I'm emotionally in check and positive for my own sake and to be there for him but to not let it consume me, as you said earlier.
I'm really glad I joined this place. I'm floored at the support and number of responses in such a short time.

Yes we are great, what can we do about it :D :D :D :D

Your posts sound like mine when I joined. Everything was about a HIM.

Always giving but never receiving.

Alanon-therapy-SR and Melody Beatty books such as "Codependent no more" are recommended. I even went to some AA meetings as a quiet listener and understood way more about alcoholism and what I was infront of. Knowing truly recovered alcoholics helped me a great deal. Alanon I never tried but I know it helps many people here.

Now I live in terms of myself, my tastes, my needs and preferences and in terms of fairness and equality when giving and receiving. This has brought healthier outlooks in life. I am far from healthy but this has been progress!

Codependency is when we let others, anyone really (alcoholic or not) cloud how we live our day. It is treatable :)

I also know there are CODA meetings out there but I have never tried it. When I read more about codependency it all started to make sense. Your bf has his life, who is focusing on yours? it is of equal value.

Finally the Sticky section on top of the forum has great articles, the "Classic reading" has many you might find useful.

Hugs!

I got to see him for the first time since the break up today and it felt good to be able to SHOW him how supportive and happy I am for him. I already know not to get completely wrapped up in HIM. I'm taking this time to work on being a better me as well. I'm so happy for him in all that he's doing and I feel so blessed to be a part of this positive thing. I'm going to be there as an ear or for comfort if he needs it and to support him in those ways but I've done a bit of research and I know that this is something I can't get too involved in. I'm just going to be there as a positive and supportive person that he can come to.