Spilled the beans

Old 02-08-2012, 11:02 AM
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Question Spilled the beans

Well, I've lurked on this forum for years and I'm finally ready to make my first post!

I'll make the back story brief: been with ABF for 8 years, 2 kids, he's drank heavily for about the last 5 years.

He's in a 60 day inpatient rehab for the first time right now and has been there for about 3 weeks. This is the first time he's sought any kind of treatment (he went on his own).

So yesterday we did this thing where we do a conference call. I'm on the phone with him and his councilor and he's not allowed to say anything and I'm to say what he's like when he's drinking and how it affects me and the kids. Then he goes and reflects and whatever other stuff they do there.

Here's MY problem, I purposely spilled the beans about "extra" substances he was using before he left for rehab during this call. He's a very scary person when he's under the influence and I find myself feeling guilty and scared because I said something. Guilty because I told someone "outside" our circle and therefore betrayed him somehow, and scared because I'm worried he's mad. I'm also worried I messed with his recovery by saying something before he did.

My anxiety is through the roof and he's on the other side of the country!

I thought I would feel better after this call by getting some things off my chest while he's sober but I feel terrible!

Just want to know if anyone else has ever done something similar or felt like this and how they got over it.

I need your words of wisdom SR!
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:15 AM
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I am so glad you posted. It really helps to have the support here. I had a lot of anxiety over a similar conference call and I had already been divorced a year so I can only imagine!

I had a counselor that specialized in addictions for a short time and it was sooooo helpful to me. It is something for you to consider.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:31 AM
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My AH went to intreament too but in our case the conferences were face to face.
I didn't "spill the beans " on him as he was pretty upfront with all his stuff.
They will get to the bottom of all their "problems" when they are in treatment and no stone goes unturned...so i guess it would only be a matter of time before this issue came to light.
I wouldn't worry about what you did but I can understand why you are scared.
I hope it all works out for the 2 of you...and I hope you are using the time he is away to be good to yourself
M.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:39 AM
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Hello frozen, and welcome to SR as an official member.
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Old 02-08-2012, 11:56 AM
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Hello Frozen,
I had a lot of anxiety in general when my son when into a 30 rehab program. I thought all my worries would be gone and I could relax and take care of myself for a bit. However the emotional turmoil that had become my life was taken away and I didn't know what the future held. Both of our lives were changing which is scary in itself. I have been attending Al-anon, NA and another 12 step meeting regularly and that has been the single most helpful thing I have experienced. I go to 5 meetings a week and sometimes I don't feel like going but I am always glad that I went afterwards. I get a little something different from each meeting. The NA meetings help me understand him and listening to recovered addicts gives me hope for him. The Al-anon and 12 step meetings are for me to work my own recovery which is all I really have the power to do. My son is in a 90 day halfway house in another town now and when we talk we can share about our recovery programs and little slogans and sayings and understand each other. Most of the rest of our family is still in denial and think we are the ones with the problem - but that is OK. It is just really helpful to have someone to share with and to understand what your going through - it helps relieve some of the anxiety. Hope that helps.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:32 PM
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I work in a health care environment (not a treatment facility).

I don't know if this will help or not but when newly admitted people come in that have known problems with substance abuse we anticipate that we don't get the whole story.
My guess is is that the support there has seen and heard a lot of things if that is part of your worry.

The second feeling I very much related to though was the anxiety I feel when I make a significant behavior change (like breaking my silence). People don't always like it and that is hard for me.

Therapy, Al-anon and learning about addiction have helped me to no be so afraid of this.

Welcome.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:53 PM
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The truth has this funny, mysterious way of finding daylight.
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Old 02-08-2012, 04:58 PM
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Hi Frozen, and welcome to the forum. I'm pretty new here myself but have found this to be a great place of esh, (experience, strength, hope) knowledge, and support. Unfortunately my A has never been to rehab so I have nothing to say about that. In my humble opinion, if he is in rehab all the cards need to be on the table if he is to get the help he needs. Please don't feel guilty about it, the staff there need to know what's going on with him in order to be of the best help to him. I am concerned about your feeling of being scared. Has he been abusive in the past? Do you think he will be abusive because of your honesty? I hope you have support for YOU during this phase of your ABF's recovery. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.
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Old 02-08-2012, 05:16 PM
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Hi Frozen. It's not your job to keep his secrets. Any of his secrets. You didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry you are in a relationship with somebody who scares you like this.

Please consider Alanon for yourself.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 02-09-2012, 11:57 AM
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Hello Frozen and welcome. I do more reading than I do posting on this forum, but I have told my story and I will say that coming here has only been a positive experience for me. I have been in and out of a relationship with the same "A" for over 20 years now. Right now we are "off" but still in touch.
What I wanted to say is that he has also fought MANY addictions... not just alcohol. He has never been in treatment and doesn't "think" he needs it..... par for the course..... but this is what has lead to us living our own lives separately. I had to set a huge boundary in order to keep my sanity, and that boundary was that if he was to continue drinking then he could not live with me. I enjoy his company ONLY when he is sober. One big problem I have noticed is that when he does NOT drink, his other addictions take over. Pills, weed...... anything to numb him from reality. There are definately underlying issues that need addressed, but once again.... he doesn't think there is a problem. if he WERE to get treatment, I would do EXACTLY what you have done! IMO, you have actually helped him by spilling the beans.... and if asked when he gets home, I would say that I thought he already told them about his addictions. How else do you get better if you aren't totally honest?
Keep your chin up..... what's meant to be will be... if he is serious about recovery, he will probably thank you for telling them.

HUGS
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Old 02-09-2012, 12:09 PM
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Hello Frozen and welcome. I do more reading than I do posting on this forum, but I have told my story and I will say that coming here has only been a positive experience for me. I have been in and out of a relationship with the same "A" for over 20 years now. Right now we are "off" but still in touch.
What I wanted to say is that he has also fought MANY addictions... not just alcohol. He has never been in treatment and doesn't "think" he needs it..... par for the course..... but this is what has lead to us living our own lives separately. I had to set a huge boundary in order to keep my sanity, and that boundary was that if he was to continue drinking then he could not live with me. I enjoy his company ONLY when he is sober. One big problem I have noticed is that when he does NOT drink, his other addictions take over. Pills, weed...... anything to numb him from reality. There are definately underlying issues that need addressed, but once again.... he doesn't think there is a problem. if he WERE to get treatment, I would do EXACTLY what you have done! IMO, you have actually helped him by spilling the beans.... and if asked when he gets home, I would say that I thought he already told them about his addictions. How else do you get better if you aren't totally honest?
Keep your chin up..... what's meant to be will be... if he is serious about recovery, he will probably thank you for telling them.

HUGS
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Old 02-09-2012, 02:40 PM
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Hey Frozen,

I'm in a similar situation, my ABF is about 11 days into a 8 week programme. His counsellor sent me a questionnaire to fill in and send back. ABF will have to read it, reflect on it with his counsellor and then potentially share it with his group.

It was hard enough writing stuff down, not sure if I could have done it over a conference call. I was honest as I could be and sent it back. In one the answers I mentioned that I felt he had lost his job because of a spate of relapses last summer. ABF mentioned on the phone a couple of days later that he was acting as if he was still working at that job. I said that I thought he should be honest but not that I'd spilled the beans. The questionnaire should've have got there yesterday and I think he will have his next session tomorrow, so I guess I find out then how it went. I don't regret telling the truth, I can't lie for him anymore but I can't help but wonder how he'll feel tomorrow and what he'll say when he calls.
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:03 PM
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I find myself feeling guilty and scared because I said something. Guilty because I told someone "outside" our circle and therefore betrayed him somehow, and scared because I'm worried he's mad. I'm also worried I messed with his recovery by saying something before he did.
If he's serious about his recovery, he has already told them about his other substance abuse. If he hadn't, now they know, and that is to his advantage. Recovery can never happen unless there is truth.

You also say you're worried he's mad at you. Are you fearful of what he might do to you, or are you worried that the anger will somehow mess with his recovery? If it's the latter, people can deal with that. If it's the former, read up on the posts on abuse. It doesn't have to be physical abuse to count as abuse.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:02 AM
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Thank you so much for your responses, they really mean a lot!

I have been seeing a therapist and have actually been diagnosed with PTSD because of the crazyness of the week before he went to rehab. Also, I'm setting up some therapy for my kids who I'm sure have been affected as well. He left in a dramatic fashion.

After reading your posts and reflecting I think my anxiety was coming from a combination of things. First and foremost the PTSD, secondly from the change in my behaviour by actually speaking up, third because, like goatgirl said, I know he's going to have to answer to what came up during that call (which is a good but scary thing because jeez when was the last time he had to take responsibility for his actions) and fourth...was he going to be mad about that.

I'm so thankful that I've reached out for help through therapy and through SR. Your guys' experience and perspectives in similar situations was super helpful. My view of my relationship with him changes daily and looks nothing like it did even a few months ago.

Thanks again!
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:33 AM
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I had a sponser who told me "we are only as sick as our secrets" When I was in rehab my wife did exactly what you did I was angry but now that I have some recovery I am thankful.He is there to get help if he doesnt put all his cards on the table it wont work.Be proud of yourself that you stepped out of your comfort zone and while it caused some anxiety you survived and it will make you stronger in the long run.Good for you
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:16 AM
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Thanks tbeit, telling was a big step for me.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:17 PM
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Hey Frozen,

I know my questionnaire arrived today but the counsellor hasn't had chance to review it yet, it will probably take him another week to decipher my handwriting! I'll let you know how it goes when he does go through it.

He did mention today that he's thinking of asking his mum to do one as well, which is good - I've only known him for the last half of his drinking career, she'll be able to discuss how it impacted her and his closer family more than I could.

Sending cyberhugs to you.
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:29 PM
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Thanks GoatGirl, please do let me know.
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:31 PM
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Thanks for posting.....
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Old 02-12-2012, 12:28 PM
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Rehab won't work if he's not honest.

If his counselor doesn't know about the other 'stuff' they should.

He should have disclosed.
You shouldn't feel guilty....
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