womaninprogress

I'm not sure where to post this....so I'll start here.

Something I am struggling with, accepting help and love.

It is so easy for me to give my heart away. I was just thinking the other day about the number of people I feel genuine love for. Friends, family, lovers, pets, other peoples pets, clients, employers ect.....

I am facing some tough things in life right now and there have been a few things said to me that have really got me thinking. "why won't you let us help you" and "why can't you let me love you". It really made me think.

How do I learn to let someone love me? How do I learn to ask for and accept help? How can I give love so freely yet keep my heart closed to accepting love?

akrasia

It's okay to lay low while you're figuring it out.

Is it really love that you're feeling so freely for everyone? I don't know myself, that's just a question that popped into my head whilst reading your post. Can you really love an employer in the same way you love a spouse, or your mother, or a cat? Not that they're necessarily lesser degrees of feeling, but maybe different--and maybe not all of it love?

There's a lot of talk about how good it is to have an open heart, but honestly, when someone's in pain or very confused, I think it's okay to have a closed heart for a while. Nurse your wounds. That way when you do let someone in your heart it means something.

You could still accept specific help from people, right? Doesn't mean you're opening yourself up to them entirely. If someone says, "Why won't you let me help," perhaps you could think of something specific you need help with, like laundry!

As an aside, if someone says, "Why won't you let me love you," honestly that gives me the heebie-jeebies. I'll love you when I love you, you can't boss me into it!

Tuffgirl

Good questions to ask yourself. How about starting small - asking and then letting someone help you? Change takes time and repetition. My first big step was calling people off the Al-Anon list and asking for help. That was huge. Now it is no big deal. Just took some getting used to.

Pelican

Do you love yourself?

I have felt it was easier to love, than receive love. I felt to be unworthy of love and support.

It has taken time and recovery to learn to love myself. I am learning to be loveable and loving at the same time.

womaninprogress

Thank you for the replies.

I THINK I love myself. But my inability to accept love from others has me questioning that.

And I have taken a "hiatis" so to speak, regarding issues of the heart until this chapter passes.

My mother has terminal cancer. It's during this time that I should allow love and support from others to carry me through. It was during a conversation with my sister (active alkie) that I realized I was acting like an only child...."my mom".....

I guess I'm questioning if it's love in general that I can't accept, or if I really am figuring things out and seeing that some of those that claim to love me don't really love me in a healthy way? Does that make sense?

painterman

It sounds to me like you are trying to balance your head and your heart-something I think we are all trying to do, I think it's part of the art of living. I think when we feel strong it's easy to accept love and affection from all quarters, it's when we are vulnerable that it gets a bit confusing-not quite knowing how to reciprocate-just go easy on yourself-and here's a hug-feel free to accept it!

wicked

Makes perfect sense to me. Take some time, like anvilhead said to recover.
I was just taken back to when my mother died, it was expected (many little strokes, until the grand finale) but still a shock. I wanted to cry like a baby for my mommy, but not in front of the kids, and I had no one to lean on, because I trusted no one.
It is a tough shift from regular woman to middle aged orphan.
This is one of your progressions woman. Be easy.

Just a thought, are there any grief groups you could attend? I finally learned that sharing my pain, often lessens the load.

Beth

:ghug3

womaninprogress

Thank you all so much.

Wicked I think you nailed it. I trust no one.

This whole process is rocking my world. My dad died 10 years ago, I'm not close with my siblings at all. We are a very dysfunctional family riddled with alcoholism. I have never considered myself "close" with my Mom. But now faced with her passing I find myself overwhelmed with guilt that I've not been a better daughter. And I feel guilty because all I could think about at first was "what about me? I don't want to be an orphan!" These are all normal feelings and I'm working thru them.

And I feel like at this point in my life I'm either going thru a mid-life crisis, maybe menopause, maybe insanity, hell I don't know. I was on a path of very deep soul searching and trying to get healty, trying to figure myself out. Accepting the role I've played in each dysfunctional relationship. Disecting every aspect of myself. Then this hits and I think I was just all ready in a very vulnerable place so it's just compounded.

My head hurts. lol I think I'll also allow myself a hiatis from trying to figure me out.

Thank you all and much love.

NYCDoglvr

Ahhh, that's at the heart of co-dependency. What I learned was that my self esteem was so low I didn't feel I deserved love from anyone. In my lizard brain I thought I'm so bad I don't deserve anything better than an alcoholic. This is what I brought from a screwed up childhood into adulthood. This is at the heart of me staying in a disastrous relationship far too long. But I began to look at my own problems and this is a big one.

In the beginning I acted "as if" I deserve good things, to be treated with love and respect. But the more I did it the easier it got and the happier I was. Remember, the brain is like a very inefficient computer: garbage in, garbage out. But it can be changed, the really good news. The next time someone pays you a compliment or offers love, simply say "thank you". Don't expect to feel grateful at first but that changes. We're rewriting those stupid tapes........

Good for you in figuring out what one of the central issues is....

womaninprogress

I had an ah-ha moment lastnight. And it was from something my A said.

A brief background with A....lived together 2 1/2 years, full of break-up's back on's you know the drill. Was no contact for about 3 months, started talking again over holidays. He hasn't drank in at least 3 weeks, taking steps to get his life on track. Seems to be heading in the right direction.

Anyway.....he called me extatic about his results for practice tests for GED. He scored VERY high on all but one. Which was no surprise to me, he's a very smart man, just never believed it himself. Anyway, I listened to his excitement and pride, hung up the phone and within 5 min he called me back. He said he was kinda bummed because he didn't have anyone else to share this good news with. His parents and sibling weren't answering and he had no one else to call. He said he relized now he didn't have any real relationships besides me. No friends ect. He also realized this was his doing because he had never BEEN a friend while drinking.

It made me think of my situation and I realized I do accept love. Unlike him, I have LOADS of people I would call to share good or bad news with. I do reach out to people and have intimate relationships, bearing my soul and allowing them to feel comfortable to do the same. I can't count the number of people I know I could count on should I need anything. This really made me feel alot better. I do reach out. I do ask for help, I do have strong deep relationships. Although none are "romantic" relationships. And I'm just fine with that. I think maybe I felt that with no "romantic relationship" and no love in my family dynamic, I was just focused on those two areas. I really do hope to build a new sober relationship with my X, but time will tell, and I don't hold out hope or have any expectations. After all he doesn't even know who the sober him is, I may not even like sober Steve.

I also realized in the romance department....I have had a few men profess their love for me. But I knew it didn't come from a healthy place. So maybe just maybe I am figuring things out. YAY!