50 ways to leave your alcoholic...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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50 ways to leave your alcoholic...
In leaving your alcoholic partner (hereafter referred to as A), please keep in mind that you are at the advantage. Sure, you might be broke, sad and beaten down, but remember, you are the sober one and they are the ones with diminished brain cells and a headache most mornings.
In determining your exit plan, you can count on yourself and you can also count on your friends and family. This is because you have not damaged all those relationships as the A has. The A also has friends, but they are all drunkards and only useful for commiserative moaning on a bar stool. Plus, A owes them money. These friends can not help the A because they have little resources, little energy and the drink will have rendered them wholly selfish, as well as foggy brained. In fact, these friends might not even be useful for commiseration with the A because most drunks will say “Hey buddy, I’m just out for a drink. I don’t want to hear your problems.”
You, however, have an army at your back and the A just has a bunch of staggering drunks at theirs. But you, you have SR, you have alanon, you have your therapist and you have your lawyer! The A does not have any of this assistance because they don’t need assistance as they are in denial. Heck, drink doesn’t even affect them the way it affects other people, they tell you. In this case, denial is useful to your escape. They don’t have a problem? okie dokie.
You have many things going for you, if you can just get past the emotional ties to your A. Visualizing the alcoholic as a big duck, quacking, is quite helpful in this regard. “I don’t have a drinking problem” .quack. “you’re a control freak” .quack. Picture big duck.
You can count on the fact that when things get unmanageable, you will take action and they will ….. drink! This is a great benefit to you and your successful escape to your new peaceful life.
You can also count on the fact that most of their threats are just bluffs. Think of them as big clouds of smoke that dissolve into thin air when you blow on them or you can think of them as big fluffy cotton candy that you can stomp with your sober foot with ease. We can count on the fact that it is far too much trouble for an A to actually hire a lawyer and fight you in court. It is much easier to crack open another drink and leave the paperwork for another day. or the next day. or the next week. It is also highly likely that they will loose the paperwork, loose the telephone number, or not even have money in their phone to make a phone call.
A’s going to fight you for custody? OK honey! But there will be no court fight, except in their foggy head, because going to court takes effort, organization and money. It also requires being sober which renders their attendance in court unlikely.
It is good to change your perspective and consider the alcoholic’s hangover or pass out as a good thing. A’s hungover and sleeping all day? A’s passed out on the couch? Bingo! That creates time for you to get to the bank and open your own bank account. You are now on your way to separate finances!
Oh, A’s out at the bar with their drinking buddies? Fantastic! You now have hours to collect up the important documents and store them off-site. A’s away at the motel on a drinking binge? That leaves you time to change the direct debit of your pay check into your own account, check in with your lawyer and set up the broadband at your newly leased apartment.
A doesn’t hear you when you express your concerns? A’s not listening at all to anything you say?…Good. This ensures that if you make a small slip up in your secret exit planning, your A won’t notice. On the flip side, you can rely on them blurting out any information you require for your court case when they are drunk.
A says “ok darling, I’m just nipping out for 10 minutes to get some milk.” Now, we all know what that really means!…A’s going on a drinking binge and you get a few more hours of peace and quiet to move your plan forward.
Third DUI? This is your security that if you move far enough across town, it is unlikely you’ll see your A as they no longer have a driving license and can not obtain insurance. Of course, sober people would get on a bus to cross the town but this requires both bus fare and being somewhere on time, so it is very unlikely to happen. The bus costs about the same as a beer, which to an A is a no brainer.
A’s taken a new lover because you are so difficult and now sleep in the guestroom? Great! Divorce will be that much easier since A is now not only an alcoholic, but an adulterer.
A’s brain foggy and confused when sober? an overall dullness and apathy unless drinking? Again, to your advantage, as you are sharp, sober and focused on planning and executing your exit strategy.
so…
just slip out the back, jack
make a new plan, stan
don’t need a decoy, roy
just get yourself free.
In determining your exit plan, you can count on yourself and you can also count on your friends and family. This is because you have not damaged all those relationships as the A has. The A also has friends, but they are all drunkards and only useful for commiserative moaning on a bar stool. Plus, A owes them money. These friends can not help the A because they have little resources, little energy and the drink will have rendered them wholly selfish, as well as foggy brained. In fact, these friends might not even be useful for commiseration with the A because most drunks will say “Hey buddy, I’m just out for a drink. I don’t want to hear your problems.”
You, however, have an army at your back and the A just has a bunch of staggering drunks at theirs. But you, you have SR, you have alanon, you have your therapist and you have your lawyer! The A does not have any of this assistance because they don’t need assistance as they are in denial. Heck, drink doesn’t even affect them the way it affects other people, they tell you. In this case, denial is useful to your escape. They don’t have a problem? okie dokie.
You have many things going for you, if you can just get past the emotional ties to your A. Visualizing the alcoholic as a big duck, quacking, is quite helpful in this regard. “I don’t have a drinking problem” .quack. “you’re a control freak” .quack. Picture big duck.
You can count on the fact that when things get unmanageable, you will take action and they will ….. drink! This is a great benefit to you and your successful escape to your new peaceful life.
You can also count on the fact that most of their threats are just bluffs. Think of them as big clouds of smoke that dissolve into thin air when you blow on them or you can think of them as big fluffy cotton candy that you can stomp with your sober foot with ease. We can count on the fact that it is far too much trouble for an A to actually hire a lawyer and fight you in court. It is much easier to crack open another drink and leave the paperwork for another day. or the next day. or the next week. It is also highly likely that they will loose the paperwork, loose the telephone number, or not even have money in their phone to make a phone call.
A’s going to fight you for custody? OK honey! But there will be no court fight, except in their foggy head, because going to court takes effort, organization and money. It also requires being sober which renders their attendance in court unlikely.
It is good to change your perspective and consider the alcoholic’s hangover or pass out as a good thing. A’s hungover and sleeping all day? A’s passed out on the couch? Bingo! That creates time for you to get to the bank and open your own bank account. You are now on your way to separate finances!
Oh, A’s out at the bar with their drinking buddies? Fantastic! You now have hours to collect up the important documents and store them off-site. A’s away at the motel on a drinking binge? That leaves you time to change the direct debit of your pay check into your own account, check in with your lawyer and set up the broadband at your newly leased apartment.
A doesn’t hear you when you express your concerns? A’s not listening at all to anything you say?…Good. This ensures that if you make a small slip up in your secret exit planning, your A won’t notice. On the flip side, you can rely on them blurting out any information you require for your court case when they are drunk.
A says “ok darling, I’m just nipping out for 10 minutes to get some milk.” Now, we all know what that really means!…A’s going on a drinking binge and you get a few more hours of peace and quiet to move your plan forward.
Third DUI? This is your security that if you move far enough across town, it is unlikely you’ll see your A as they no longer have a driving license and can not obtain insurance. Of course, sober people would get on a bus to cross the town but this requires both bus fare and being somewhere on time, so it is very unlikely to happen. The bus costs about the same as a beer, which to an A is a no brainer.
A’s taken a new lover because you are so difficult and now sleep in the guestroom? Great! Divorce will be that much easier since A is now not only an alcoholic, but an adulterer.
A’s brain foggy and confused when sober? an overall dullness and apathy unless drinking? Again, to your advantage, as you are sharp, sober and focused on planning and executing your exit strategy.
so…
just slip out the back, jack
make a new plan, stan
don’t need a decoy, roy
just get yourself free.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
I feel a bit awkward about this one, as I've just unburdened myself by coming out of the closet and admitted to being an alcoholic. A functioning one, not the falling down in the gutter, slurring my words, p***ing on the bedroom carpet one, but one who has developed a habit that I'm struggling to shake off. It's early stages, but I am aware that I need to give up drinking totally because a habit is most definitely there.
I don't know whether I can legitimately ride two horses at the same time without being accused of hypocrisy, but I'll give it a go.
I think your sentiments are right about the non-alcoholic seeking to regain control of their own life, after all their love and support has been used against them and they have in many cases suffered terribly for a long-time. Everyone has the right to live their life responsibly, and there's no way the addict is going to learn the lesson of responsibility as long as their partner is wiping their back-side for them.
I think the only comment that I would make is that the tone of your posting is rather, strident, shall we say. ;-)
I don't know whether I can legitimately ride two horses at the same time without being accused of hypocrisy, but I'll give it a go.
I think your sentiments are right about the non-alcoholic seeking to regain control of their own life, after all their love and support has been used against them and they have in many cases suffered terribly for a long-time. Everyone has the right to live their life responsibly, and there's no way the addict is going to learn the lesson of responsibility as long as their partner is wiping their back-side for them.
I think the only comment that I would make is that the tone of your posting is rather, strident, shall we say. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Naive, were you living with me and my XAH? Everything you just said except for a few differences were spot on. My XAH was so drunk most of the time I easily opened up my own bank account, had my paychecks directly deposited into it, went to see my lawyer anytime it was necessary (he didn't even know I was gone) I constantly told him I was going to divorce him and he was even served the papers, did he do anything about it? No. I had the locks changed on the house while he was passed out during the day and told him if he should leave the house to make sure the door was not locked or he'd be locked out. I went to court for the divorce which took about 15 minutes which he did not attend but was passed out again at home. When I got back from court to tell him we were divorced and that he had exactly one month to find a place to live and move out all his belongings his only answer was "I never thought you would divorce me"! So depending on the stage of the alcoholism yes it's as easy as that to have an escape in place and come to terms with your life and begin to live again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I don't know whether I can legitimately ride two horses at the same time without being accused of hypocrisy, but I'll give it a go.
Oh! And two children addicted and recovering (I hope).
Naive, I don't read as strident, but I do see how it would come across that way.
I see it as more, uhm, wry humor with a little sprinkling of sarcasm.
Naive is a wonderful survivor, taken for everything by a drunk, and came back to help others. Okay, I also have a wicked and slightly morbid sense of humor when it comes to addiction, but it is one way to get through.
When naive translated a couple of conversations (and thought bubbles for the alcoholic) I laughed so hard, I cried.
Wait a minute, I just saw the smiley after the word strident. :rotfxko
Let me get off my high horse! LOL
Beth
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Well - I'm going to chime in here and share from my experience
My exah is one of those that DID go get an attorney ~ that DID file for divorce before I did, he did lots of the things that most AH's threaten to do ~
So as I take the meaning of Naive's thread to convey ~ folks if your spouse is an alcoholic or addict ~ Please protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially - especially if you are considering filing for divorce.
There are many ways and means to do this ~ you can seek the legal counsel of a women's shelter (i know it is not just wives that are affected) or an attorney to see how the laws in your state apply to your situation.
My divorce cost me tremendously ~ but I decided when I was ready to walk away ~ I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road than stay in the insane and unsafe house I had called home.
PINK HUGS & prayers for the best for all!
Rita
My exah is one of those that DID go get an attorney ~ that DID file for divorce before I did, he did lots of the things that most AH's threaten to do ~
So as I take the meaning of Naive's thread to convey ~ folks if your spouse is an alcoholic or addict ~ Please protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially - especially if you are considering filing for divorce.
There are many ways and means to do this ~ you can seek the legal counsel of a women's shelter (i know it is not just wives that are affected) or an attorney to see how the laws in your state apply to your situation.
My divorce cost me tremendously ~ but I decided when I was ready to walk away ~ I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road than stay in the insane and unsafe house I had called home.
PINK HUGS & prayers for the best for all!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
and do not under estimate what they will do- mine drained our mutual bank acct. , took all the important papers, changed locks, destroyed my things, wouldn't let me get my things, trash mouthed me, .....whew......now I am in gratitude....4 yrs. post-divorce...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Twentynine Palms Ca
Posts: 44
Im trying to get out. I cannot have a bank account because of liens from creditors. Talking to a bankruptcy lawer next week. I have no job, my husband is in the military and we got moved again. Im in school but just started doing my general education. Im praying to god a door opens soon so I can get out
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by wicked 
Wait a minute, I just saw the smiley after the word strident. :rotfxko Let me get off my high horse!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
[QUOTE=MsPINKAcres;3272448]Well
My exah is one of those that DID go get an attorney ~ that DID file for divorce before I did, he did lots of the things that most AH's threaten to do ~
So as I take the meaning of Naive's thread to convey ~ folks if your spouse is an alcoholic or addict ~ Please protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially - especially if you are considering filing for divorce.
There are many ways and means to do this ~ you can seek the legal counsel of a women's shelter (i know it is not just wives that are affected) or an attorney to see how the laws in your state apply to your situation.
My divorce cost me tremendously ~
yes my DID too, he was sober and he filed for divorce, he was mean, however he left me everything (just about), he walked away with few things. I told my attorney I was willing to divide everything in half, my xah told his attorney I can keep everything (house, cabin, and 1/2 his savings account).
I am not sure if it was his big ego, or he just wanted to walk away from 16 years of his past.
However to me this was the last victimization he could do because I am the one now that has to take care of all the mess and paying all the bills.
So yes, my advise to all is protect yourself against the A wrath.
My exah is one of those that DID go get an attorney ~ that DID file for divorce before I did, he did lots of the things that most AH's threaten to do ~
So as I take the meaning of Naive's thread to convey ~ folks if your spouse is an alcoholic or addict ~ Please protect yourself emotionally, physically and financially - especially if you are considering filing for divorce.
There are many ways and means to do this ~ you can seek the legal counsel of a women's shelter (i know it is not just wives that are affected) or an attorney to see how the laws in your state apply to your situation.
My divorce cost me tremendously ~
yes my DID too, he was sober and he filed for divorce, he was mean, however he left me everything (just about), he walked away with few things. I told my attorney I was willing to divide everything in half, my xah told his attorney I can keep everything (house, cabin, and 1/2 his savings account).
I am not sure if it was his big ego, or he just wanted to walk away from 16 years of his past.
However to me this was the last victimization he could do because I am the one now that has to take care of all the mess and paying all the bills.
So yes, my advise to all is protect yourself against the A wrath.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
Just picking up the tips and learning all the time. Sometimes a new handle on things makes you realise, yes that is me (some of it) in case your still slightly in denial. I have had snippets in my brain telling me, sort some money away however small, yes you are in that place, yes he is doing this and that. And most of all I couldnt of conveyed myself better if I hadnt read Naives remark of, "the dullness and apathy of it all, drunk or sober! actually. I have used those words to describe us to the RAH over the past 2 years without even knowing its a symptom. Initially thinking, oH thats us, married 33 years, bored. But no, there was way much more underneath I had yet to find out.
So I can definetely resonate with all of this as a newcomer!
Thanks once again for clarity and also a bit of a plan eh! which we all need at the beginning of our journey. x
So I can definetely resonate with all of this as a newcomer!
Thanks once again for clarity and also a bit of a plan eh! which we all need at the beginning of our journey. x
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Naive is the Queen Translator. One of the reasons I lurk here is to stalk her and her brilliant ability to translate drunk speak to newbies--or old timers for that matter.
You can count on the fact that when things get unmanageable, you will take action and they will ….. drink! This is a great benefit to you and your successful escape to your new peaceful life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
well mine is off at an AA meeting. So that too gives us valuable time to sort papers, get our things in order, make lists of what we need to take when we go..etc...
While I am no longer mopping up **** off the carpet or cleaning up plates of food he has thrown Im still dealing w/ the backhanded compliments, him talking to me like i'm a moron and putting up with his warped sense of reality...that hasn't gone away.
I'm still stuck taking care of the important things...paying bills, making sure our responsibilities are met and I freakin' REFUSE to give him a freakin' metal when he actually does something he is supposed to do. Something NORMAL people do everyday without a second thought.
So...I am very much with you...
and Im doing exactly what everyone has advised.
Very few people...like 4 know Im going. Only ONE knows when...and I am slowly getting my things in order.
Right now I have spring cleaning as the excuse for cleaning closets and moving stuff around...whatever it takes to keep suspicion to a minimum.
I don't know what mine is going to do...my plan so far is that he will be served immediately after we have everything moved out and to my and my kids new home. Like within the hour. I will notify my current landlord that I'm leaving right before I go...
my new home...I have the full support of my new landlord ..as she herself was the wife of an addict yrs ago..she is helping me in so many ways... it is purely God's grace that I found her.
It is not going to be pretty...I am going to call his sponsor and a few of his AA friends so they can be there for him but other than that...I dont owe him a thing. I only owe my children a good example...and right now that isnt the kind of relationship we have.
Im excited...and terrified. But everytime I start to waiver..and think I maybe shouldn't do it...he does something or says something demeaning to me and I think "yup, THAT'S why I'm leaving you". I am worried about my kids. This isnt going to be easy...and I'm keeping them completely unaware of what is going on...so the move will be traumatic but it's the safest way...the best way. He isnt violent..but I can't trust him. I need to just get the hell out! Six more weeks and it's going to be done.
While I am no longer mopping up **** off the carpet or cleaning up plates of food he has thrown Im still dealing w/ the backhanded compliments, him talking to me like i'm a moron and putting up with his warped sense of reality...that hasn't gone away.
I'm still stuck taking care of the important things...paying bills, making sure our responsibilities are met and I freakin' REFUSE to give him a freakin' metal when he actually does something he is supposed to do. Something NORMAL people do everyday without a second thought.
So...I am very much with you...
and Im doing exactly what everyone has advised.
Very few people...like 4 know Im going. Only ONE knows when...and I am slowly getting my things in order.
Right now I have spring cleaning as the excuse for cleaning closets and moving stuff around...whatever it takes to keep suspicion to a minimum.
I don't know what mine is going to do...my plan so far is that he will be served immediately after we have everything moved out and to my and my kids new home. Like within the hour. I will notify my current landlord that I'm leaving right before I go...
my new home...I have the full support of my new landlord ..as she herself was the wife of an addict yrs ago..she is helping me in so many ways... it is purely God's grace that I found her.
It is not going to be pretty...I am going to call his sponsor and a few of his AA friends so they can be there for him but other than that...I dont owe him a thing. I only owe my children a good example...and right now that isnt the kind of relationship we have.
Im excited...and terrified. But everytime I start to waiver..and think I maybe shouldn't do it...he does something or says something demeaning to me and I think "yup, THAT'S why I'm leaving you". I am worried about my kids. This isnt going to be easy...and I'm keeping them completely unaware of what is going on...so the move will be traumatic but it's the safest way...the best way. He isnt violent..but I can't trust him. I need to just get the hell out! Six more weeks and it's going to be done.
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