S*** hit the fan...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Twentynine Palms Ca
Posts: 44
S*** hit the fan...
So my AH relapsed as some of you may have read on previous posts. This happened away from home but I maintained that I will still not allow drinking in the house. However, he brought home beer "for the super bowl" yesterday. He tried to make it better by saying "oh I got you a bottle of wine too". Um no I dont need that thank you.
He crossed my boundary and I let him know that I wanted a separation. My situation is that we have 2 children and I have no means to support them or myself alone. I cannot get a bank account because of liens and have horrible credit. I am talking to a lawer next week about filing bankruptcy. Money is tight, he is in the military and doesnt make much. I just put so much focus and anger towards him last night for crossing my boundaries. My son is in school and I cant just up and leave. I got angry because he was drunk and I did cause a scene, if I would have not placed the focus on him it could have been prevented. I own that. Anyway, I told him to "get the **** out" and he said he was going to a friends house. However, he spent money on a motel, money we dont have.
My mom suggested to keep going to al anon and get a sponsor. She went through this with my dad too and since I dont have the financial resources she suggested I try to buy time and just let it go for now and not focus on him at all until I am able to get on my feet properly.
He did have to see the substance abuse counselor on base today because he had gotten in trouble over last summer on deployment, alcohol related. They evaluated him and offered him treatment today for inpatient for a month. He said he agreed but they have to get him cleared from his command and his medical officer. The medical officer denied treatment because they did blood work today and it came back abnormal and he needs to be evaluated and have more tests before they clear him to go.
I am so lost and confused. I think I can keep the peace for now. He does start training soon and so he wont be home much anyway, and if they do send him to treatment then maybe he has a chance at sobriety. I dont have very many options. Living at my moms is not an option either, another long story. I guess as I write this my choice is becoming more clear.....Let go and let God and do what I need to do to keep peace in my home and take the steps needed to be independent.
He crossed my boundary and I let him know that I wanted a separation. My situation is that we have 2 children and I have no means to support them or myself alone. I cannot get a bank account because of liens and have horrible credit. I am talking to a lawer next week about filing bankruptcy. Money is tight, he is in the military and doesnt make much. I just put so much focus and anger towards him last night for crossing my boundaries. My son is in school and I cant just up and leave. I got angry because he was drunk and I did cause a scene, if I would have not placed the focus on him it could have been prevented. I own that. Anyway, I told him to "get the **** out" and he said he was going to a friends house. However, he spent money on a motel, money we dont have.
My mom suggested to keep going to al anon and get a sponsor. She went through this with my dad too and since I dont have the financial resources she suggested I try to buy time and just let it go for now and not focus on him at all until I am able to get on my feet properly.
He did have to see the substance abuse counselor on base today because he had gotten in trouble over last summer on deployment, alcohol related. They evaluated him and offered him treatment today for inpatient for a month. He said he agreed but they have to get him cleared from his command and his medical officer. The medical officer denied treatment because they did blood work today and it came back abnormal and he needs to be evaluated and have more tests before they clear him to go.
I am so lost and confused. I think I can keep the peace for now. He does start training soon and so he wont be home much anyway, and if they do send him to treatment then maybe he has a chance at sobriety. I dont have very many options. Living at my moms is not an option either, another long story. I guess as I write this my choice is becoming more clear.....Let go and let God and do what I need to do to keep peace in my home and take the steps needed to be independent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Twentynine Palms Ca
Posts: 44
He did...he brought home copies of it just now actually from work. I wasnt sure if I believed him at first but I guess he wasnt lying. And they did a chest xray for some reason too and they are checking out his liver function. That will be an interesting result.
And your so right! Its so easy to want things right now....what you said my mom almost said to me verbatim tonight.
getting ready to go to an al anon meeting in 45 minutes.
And your so right! Its so easy to want things right now....what you said my mom almost said to me verbatim tonight.
getting ready to go to an al anon meeting in 45 minutes.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Have a tangible plan.
I tend to plan a lot. In my head. That is called daydreaming and it gets me no further ahead at all.
I would suggest --
- speaking with a lawyer to find out your legal standing and get support questions answered.
- Check out job service or similar. Get a career plan ASAP.
- Meet with social services and figure out Child Care Assistance so you can work, medical insurance for the kids, other programs you would/could qualify for.
One of my favorite slogans is
"A Goal is not a Plan. Hope is not a strategy."
I tend to plan a lot. In my head. That is called daydreaming and it gets me no further ahead at all.
I would suggest --
- speaking with a lawyer to find out your legal standing and get support questions answered.
- Check out job service or similar. Get a career plan ASAP.
- Meet with social services and figure out Child Care Assistance so you can work, medical insurance for the kids, other programs you would/could qualify for.
One of my favorite slogans is
"A Goal is not a Plan. Hope is not a strategy."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
He is an alcoholic. Why are you outraged he crossed your boundary by drinking alcohol?
In recovery we learn not to have any expectations that an alcoholic who promises not to drink will be able to keep that promise. Alcoholism is an uncontrollable obsession of the mind and a compulsion to drink no matter the consequences to the alcoholic or his family.
If you feel you cannot move away from him with the children, then please do continue with Al-Anon and also find a sponsor or a counselor, for you will need to practice emotional detachment--no tirades--when he drinks. Otherwise, your children will have not just one parent they can't trust. They will have two.
You have these choices: Move out and stay away from him. Or stay there and take responsibility for your thinking and behavior, for it is a family disease, and you will become sicker, if you do not seek one-on-one help for yourself.
I'm sorry you can't leave. Your children need some relief.
But if you are better, they will be better, too.
In recovery we learn not to have any expectations that an alcoholic who promises not to drink will be able to keep that promise. Alcoholism is an uncontrollable obsession of the mind and a compulsion to drink no matter the consequences to the alcoholic or his family.
If you feel you cannot move away from him with the children, then please do continue with Al-Anon and also find a sponsor or a counselor, for you will need to practice emotional detachment--no tirades--when he drinks. Otherwise, your children will have not just one parent they can't trust. They will have two.
You have these choices: Move out and stay away from him. Or stay there and take responsibility for your thinking and behavior, for it is a family disease, and you will become sicker, if you do not seek one-on-one help for yourself.
I'm sorry you can't leave. Your children need some relief.
But if you are better, they will be better, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I agree with Dolly. Go talk to a Chaplin. They can direct you to resources available through the military for you and the kids. Take advantage of what they offer, it could be a good place to start getting on your own feet.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
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