seek

I seriously think I need a lobotomy.

I am either in extreme fear (in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason), or I flip over into depression and grief and self-pity.

I have been working a program and still have intense mood swings.

I am tired of feeling so unhappy.

I need new habits for sure.

Just got back from a walk on the beach (where a movie is being filmed) - was productive today and had an underlying sense of doom and gloom all day!

Just saying!

This is intense.

lillamy

Do you have a counselor or therapist you see? Or an Al-Anon group? I have found both to be extremely stabilizing on my moods, and also give me tremendous strength.

Hugs to you. It's a horrid place to be.

OK, nevermind, I saw that you do go to meetings. Call your sponsor?

dollydo

Do you work? You seem to have alot of time on your hands to obsess and worry, perhaps you need to figure out how to redirect your time and the continuous loop your mind is in.

You do have other family members aside from your grandson where do they fit into your
life? Aren't there any positives that include them that you can focus on?

Cyranoak

You could be suffering from depression, you could have something like PTSD, and neither would be uncommon in people who are suffering because of somebody else's drinking. That said, I'm not a doctor so see yours, a therapist, or both.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

scrambled2012

I'm so sorry you find yourself feeling this way Seek. Dolly's idea about focusing on something external seems good...like a mind candy movie or book...or thinking about the gifts you do have that others may not (simple things like sight, hearing, being able to walk without pain, not being hungry...its may be corney but it works for me sometimes.

i know there at times is no easy answer. Remember you can ride this out, knowing it will pass...

LifeRecovery

I vote for therapy and Al-anon also.

Therapy especially for me was a life saver and has helped me to even out.

Though I don't suggest the work-a-holic tendancies I also have in all honesty having something to focus on at stressful times (besides the source of hte stress) can be really helpful for me too.

Your connect here seems to come in waves....how are you taking care of you during other times?

BobbyJ

I agree with the post above, but I also know that I went
thru alot of those emotions. It's like a really big rollercoaster
ride, from day to day...But over time, it does slow down.

Understanding the <emotions & feelings> the why's and that some
of it is normal under the circumstances helped me roll with
the flow alittle bit better

Who would or could go thru all of this stuff & walk away smelling like a peach?
I would like to meet them

Understanding, some of it just takes time to heal...Helped alot!
Im pretty demanding on myself and want things fixed NOW
but Ive had to lay off of myself and give myself time...It helped!

seek

I go to meetings.

I have a spiritual counselor who is amazing.

I have a sponsor.

I do have a lot of time on my hands - not working, per se, but working on a Ph.D.

My schedule is flexible and I live alone, so I have lots of time to stew.

My other family members are also traumatized and the family unit has suffered from this issue . . .there is a lot of grief, stress, in-fighting, avoiding, etc. It is not pretty. So I don't have my family to lean on.

I have no friends who have similar problems.

I do have PTSD (had it before this all happened and now have it related to this).

I have a lot of grief, sadness, anger, and despair.

Thank you for all of the good feedback.

LifeRecovery

I started to not feel good, but "better" when I realized that all I was experiencing was pretty normal.

It gave me permission to breath and feel what I was going to feel (cause it was only going to get worse if I tried to stuff it away).

Learning about the stages of grief for me (in addition to what you wrote) was really, really helpful. Though the loved one in my life that got me here did not die, my relationship with him did.

It did not make the feelings any easier, but it did normalize that anger, fear, despair was pretty normal in the situation I was in....then I did not add anger and beating myself up on top of all of the rest of it. You have a lot going on right now, and if I had on top of what I was experiencing beat myself up for the experiences I was having I would have really had a hard time. (I know easier said then done).

dollydo

For me, my well-being it was better to not have friends who were going through what I was. It provided me with a healthy outlet, not one consumed by conversations about addiction.

seek

I understand what you mean in the sense that I feel this forum, for me, is like a "bottom line" where I can't go all of the time because there is so much pain and grief and so much being "in the problem" - but as far as friends are concerned, I wish I had someone I could lean on a little bit.

fedup3

Then lean on us for now Seek until someone comes into your life to help this void. I understand what you are saying about PTSD, anger, grief and depression all of these I go through but with time they are becoming less and less with each passing day. The PSTD I believe I had before I met my H I'm a ACOA but it is more intense now. Here's a grown woman jumping a foot with the littlest noise, ugh. You'd think I just came back from combat! There was a time I would be working at the office and just burst into tears not even thinking about my XAH but all this does get better with time. This too shall pass.

seek

Thank you, FedUp. One time I was at work and my boss came up behind me and I SCREAMED. Yes, I have the startle response - it is crazy!

I am looking forward to getting better.

Chino

seek, have you considered volunteering?

seek

I was just thinking about volunteering. I think it would really help me.

TakingCharge999

seek I have intense mood swings as well, not as bad as before but today I felt an incredible loneliness, I guess because I realized my sister is as cold as my dad is and when in need of emotional support (such as today as I got a MRI scan and it was nothing to worry about but the experience scared me at first) I resent it...

I am trying to invest more in my faith as I believe God/HP is the only one who knows us and our history and diatribes (hope this is the right word) and issues and heart, the only place for true consolation... trying to get what I need from different sources...

All the best to you, seek!

PS I do not volunteer but I sponsor studies for children in Uganda and it helps me find purpose in my day

seek

Thank you for sharing. I am trying to forge more of a connection with my higher power - good point about history and issues and heart - this is so true.

seek

I awoke this a.m. worrying about my grandson - remembered what my sponsor said about reprogramming my mind - the only image I could replace the ruminating with was my little dog running on the beach - so I used that - I need more compelling "storylines" and images to replace the worrisome ones with.

Was very sad this a.m. - cried. Got progressively better after meeting with my sponsor and getting out and about (also had what I perceived to be good news from my grandson, so that helped) - I want to be able to detach from him - you have no idea the lengths I have gone to so far - and yet I am still attached but I have hope that the chains of attachment will weaken in time.

Carol Star

a gratitude list helps me, and an herb called Valarian and a supplement called 5 HDP, and meditation and yoga and walking, and meetings, and step 3, and more gratitude, and service work ( I volunteer at an AA office 2 hrs. on Fridays)

seek

I tried Valerian one time and it made me so sick. But I think 5 HDP might be helpful, so thank you for reminding me.

I am trying to do appreciations and resentments on a daily basis so we will see if that helps, as well.