Serious situtation_please give advice, any advice....?!!
 

Hello, i hope i found the right place. i need advice.....badly.

long story short. boyfriend (X) is an alcoholic, has always done big binges and serious self-pity when we fight. in thailand currently and things have escalated .....there were fights, some physical (he is not the only innocent one as i beat him also). he progressed to sleeping with a prostitute and things were not the same after, there was more violence, i found him in bed with another one and there was a fight, i ended up with 17 stitches on my head (from the girl not him )but ct scan is ok, i left bangkok to go away and leave him for absolute permanant. he was also not there for me when this happend and i think he had a mental block because others took me to hospital. (he is a very very weak person)....for true!....in any case, i left for absolute permanent and have been doing pretty good, he sent few little emails then nothing, however this is just day 4.

then today he writes me that i should contact his family because he is feeling very bad and bleeding . now i know this is to make me feel sorry for him and maybe run back to him ...as i always have in the past. i have always chased him and made all the phone calls to see he is ok, etc etc, i have darned well always done this!!!

i can NOT do this anymore, i am recovering from the worst situation ever and i have a very deep laceration and feel just lucky to still be alive, i am not a loser and am progressing, left and started doing some work for pleasure to progress forward.

then today i am just shaking and can not focus and am worried that he will kill himself with his drinking.....and especially the worse it gets he thinks perhaps that i may run back, he is at the gueshouse in bangkok and stays in his room and drinks and drinks and drinks.......

i did write him back asking him about how bad it is so of course he does not write me now knowing he had a little bit of pull on my emotions. just horrible tactics and games to make me worry and hurt my mind....as he has always done. but i, in the past, did let it work on me.

my dilemna is this., i just want to cancell all internet contact with him and move on.....i am afraid to do this because of my fear that if something serious happens to him that i will blame myself forever, he came here with and because of me.

i feel i absolutely (for me) must write him something that it is totally over and delete him from all internet contact but before i do this i must write him something that he knows this. i have contacted his sister to tell her i am out of the picture....am trying to leave this mess in his hands. not mine, not anymore,

i am not sure what to write him, i dont want him to feel even worse about himself, but i think its best that he knows its over, my goal is that he can feel at least ok about himself and i will not have to worry.

i was thinking to write:

frank, you are responsible for how you deal with your problems, not me.

all of this was caused from how you deal with your problems. not I

you may wallow in self pity as you wish. not I

u can not make me feel responsible for you and your actions....

NOT ANYMORE


i just dont know if this is right....if this is best i want to go away emotionally .....????

I'm not going to comment on the violence in terms of who did what and to whom, I don't think the situation you are presently in is helped by this.

I want you to look at this from a different perspective and ask yourself two questions which will tell you everything you need to know.


1. Whose business is it if your boyfriend wants to sit in his hotel room and drink himself to death, yours or his ? It's his business NOT yours.

2. Whose business is it if you decide to have nothing more to do with him ? That's your business and not his.


You take care of your own business and let him take care of his, the sooner you cut ties with him, the better for both of you.

You already left. End of story.

You don't have the power to make him accept the break-up. His acceptance will come with time. I doubt you have the words or actions to keep him from doing harm himself, unless you have super powers. He is likely just trying to pull you back into his drama with lies and manipulations - it worked in the past, right?

Going No Contact is something you do for yourself. You are protecting yourself from the drama of an unhealthy relationship. You are protecting yourself from further emotional, physical and verbal abuse. This is what you do to begin to take care of yourself.

You are not responsible for another adults choices.

You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it

Step away from the alcoholic.

thank you both, so far....

but there is a little more to the story. if this were in canada i could and certainly would cut all ties. this what has happened is far too serious and i would be a total fool to go back, this i do know.

25 years ago my brother died here in thailand, so it was a trauma that i should be past. i have not travelled with anyone else since, frank is the first. when he went on a bike trip one day and came back late i freaked and called hospitals etc etc....thinking he was dead. he knows this, he knows why i did not want to travel with anyone.... so, i have left him, maybe not emotionally YET, but its the worry that something will happen to him here, the best solution for "me" would be for him to return to canada.......he unfortunately knows how i think and knows he has this over me......its truly frustrating. thats why also he wrote me the email this morning saying he was not well and bleeding and to contact his family. he is f.....nnnn with my head and its so sick and its working!!!

is this co-dependancy or so??.....what can i do to change this. how can i be so strong to come above this and not feel this fear....

does this make sense - can anyone understand this or maybe there is more going on than i know....

why was i doing so fine, i really was....unti,l that damned email.!!!

Aw darling. Im so sorry your having to feel this pain. You must get away. NOONE deserves to feel that kind of pain and misery. Like adipsia wrote, the sooner you cut ties, the better it will be for both of you.
I sincerely hope this situation gets better for you. Please be safe.

babaluu-

ok. here's an idea for you to consider:

since you are concerned for his well being in the hotel room, you can call the police in that area, give them the hotel location and have them go and check on him.

you must realize, that if he can contact you, he can contact his family himself; however, perhaps to put your mind at ease, you can pass his status to his family and also give them his location.

and after that, in the name of mercy for yourself, no more contact with him or his family.

what you have been through is very serious and dangerous. you are away from him. you do not need to continue to interact with him, in fact, it is dangerous for you to.

stay safe.
naive

Perhaps therapy might be in order for you. You are projecting and obsessing, both of which serve no useful purpose.

He is an adult, what he does is up to him, you are not powerful enough to save him.

I am not really following the Canada vrs Thailand thing, if he were in Canada it would be ok to go no contact but not in Thailand?

I recommend no further contact of any kind, it's over, allow him the dignity to resolve his issues on his own as all adults should do.

I'm very sorry to hear about your brother having died in Thailand, that must have been very traumatic for you, and I'm sure that it always remains at the back of your mind.

The positive thing about this is that at least you're aware of the reason why this situation is making you feel so uncomfortable, and that you're potentially being manipulated. Whatever happens with Frank, you know deep down that he has the choice to do whatever he wants with his own life, and you also realise at some level that you can't be responsible for him or his actions.

It's a hard thing to say, but my advice remains the same, let him do exactly as he wishes and sever ties. Your only other choice is to sit there and worry, which will achieve nothing.

yes, no contact, its funny ...i was instictively feeling this when and since i left. however, i did not block his emails, fb etc etc....

so, i should not write him even one very clear email that is is so very over???

i think i need to do something for me, something else,...so i do not care anymore. i just dont know what.

today, after the email, i called the guesthouse, asked someone to send a message to a friend of his to speak to him about going back to canada, just finished speaking to another friend so i now know he was better today. yes i suppose better and not as drunk because i had answered his email.....

i think on this forum its mainly family of alcoholics right? there are things to learn about what we (family) do or should not do that can help an alcoholic. i would like to send him off in a good way, if possible, and i suppose its selfish because really its for myself..... ah..

dolly doo, can you please explain to me how i am projecting? i have never really understood what projecting means and would like to and am interested to know how/in what way i am doing this.....

obsessing i understand, i think.....i am obsessing about what he is doing and letting my mind focus on this....

bababluu,

If you are doing this for yourself the write him a letter, say everything you want to say, put everything in there about your brother, the hold frank has on you, why you feel like you do, refine the letter, let it sit overnight, then re-read and re-write until it's perfect.

When you have it exactly like you want it, fold it up, say a prayer over it, and burn it.

You are done, you have said your piece, you have handed it off to your Higher Power.

Hope you can work through this, if you would like to talk more I will be glad to listen.

Best of luck and big hugs,

Bill

Babaluu,

I'll try to give you an idea about what projection means.

Most experiences that we have in life we are able to fully integrate into our psyche, but sometimes when we experience something painful, we deny it in some way because of the pain. Dissociation is the technical term for it; we put it to one side rather than deal with it and integrate it. However, dissociation doesn't remove the experience totally it just denies it, and as a result, because it isn't internalized we project it out on to other people or other situations. You can think of it as casting a shadow from the past over experiences that are happening now, and I think the point Dolly Do was making is that you're colouring your Thai experience with Frank with a projection of what you went through with your brother.

Put another way, for anyone else who hadn't gone through your traumatic experience, looking at your current situation seems relatively cut and dried, but you're attributing a whole load of thoughts and emotions to something in the present that has nothing to do with your past experience.

I hope that makes some sense, and I pass on my apologies to any real shrinks around here - and Dolly Do if I have misrepresented the point that she was making.

Hi babaluu: I'm sorry you are struggling so with this. One way of "projecting" is that you are applying past experiences to current events. That's how we learn, from past experiences, good bad, positive or negative or neutral, from struggles and pain and pleasure. However, it sounds to me like your unresolved grief over your brother's death in Thailand is crossing over in your mind and you are applying that to Frank. Just because your brother died in Tailand does not mean Frank will.

The advice to write the letter, get it perfect, say a prayer giving it to your HP, then burn the letter is very good advice. Simultaneously cutting all ties with Frank is the best thing you can do for him, and for you. You can't save him from himself. You already know what you need to do; just pray for the power to follow through and let go.

thank you everyone., i havent resolved it exactly yet but i am feeling better already somewhat.

i read other posts and most of you are married with children and your problems are far GREATER than mine!!! maybe it is just this that has helped!!

but just one further kwestion......

why is it wrong/not good if i write him the final breakup email?

There is no right or wrong in terms of writing the letter, it's not for anyone else to dictate what you should or shouldn't do.

I think the balance of advice here is based upon the fact that things between yourself and Frank are incredibly emotional at the moment, and the likelihood is that whatever you write will just serve to inflame things between the pair of you. When you add Frank's drinking into the equation, the prognosis for a peaceful resolution isn't good as things stand.

You have to make the choice, but if it were me, I'd avoid Facebook like the plague, disconnect from t'internet, turn off my mobile phone and go out with some good friends to discuss anything other than Frank. Your non-responsiveness will say more than any words can, and you can always terminate things officially when he gets back from his hol's if you so wish, and if he hasn't got the message from your silence.

Let's see.... If I had been caught in bed with a prostitute (for the 2nd time) and that prostitute beat up my girlfriend so that she needed 17 stitches in her head, I don't think I would be all that mystified that my girlfriend was gone for good and there was no hope of reconciliation.

I don't think you owe him jack sh*t for an explanation. Just UNplug.

thank you adipsia, bill and everyone here......

i start to feel as i did before this morning. the letter as bill recommend and to burn it will be done after getting to a beach tomorrow....and in a meaninful way. i will also write him a short and consise email that i will have deleted him from fb, email, skype etc and that have sent his concerns over to his family....wish him well and that i have stepped away from the alcoholic. point blank and clear, and i will be free. also, he does not have my phone number here, its awesome!!...i will be in a situation where i will not hear from him.

my heart goes out to the rest of you who can not so easily step away. you are all strong and smart people to be progressing in your lives and sharing your strength.

great forum!!!

thanks all, once again.

I think not writing another letter is really because you have already said what you want to write in your letter so many times. Frank is looking for anything he can get out of you, good, bad, or indifferent. If you write a letter, YOU will be dissapointed again. The letter is for you, not him. It will not matter. YOU will get hurt again. Trust me. I have tried so many times with my ex and everytime, I take a step back. Move forward. You have been through enough. Write the letter, burn it, and move on. I have lost a son. So, I can so sympathesis with the lose of your brother, but alcoholics don't have morals. They use anything they can to manipulate you. BE STRONG

Neither am I.