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-   -   Posting here to get it out- not letting on to AH (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/248000-posting-here-get-out-not-letting-ah.html)

wanttobehealthy 02-05-2012 04:37 AM

Posting here to get it out- not letting on to AH
 
AH took the girls to gymnastics yesterday and it was his day to spend the day with them. Fine. I did not ask when he wanted to drop them back off bc he has a cell, knows my # and after reading awesome posts last week about not over communicating or doing for others what they can do for themselves, I decided to deal with my discomfort of not having everything perfectly planned out and let it go.

So, 11 am (20 min after gymnastics ended) I start getting texts (saved all of them) telling me what a terrible mother I am for not being at my house bc he PROMISED D6 and D3 I'd be there right after gymnastics and they were now crying for me.

I responded and said that I had plans and he had them for the day and to have a good day. I also said I hoped he'd repair the damage of his promise to the girls bc without checking with me, there was no way he should have promised them anything.

Next text tells me it was my responsibility to let him know my plans for the day, where I'd be, at what times etc...

I didn't respond but continued to get this message sent in a variety of ways.

I could be wrong, but it's pretty insane that he expects me to lay out my schedule for him on a day that he has the girls and needs nothing from me. He knows my #, if there is an emergency he can reach me.

It's so obvious he wanted a way to dump the girls when he got sick of playing dad, and wants to control me.

I simply didn't respond at all and was back at my house by mid afternoon. He got in touch to find out when he could bring the girls back and I said I was home and he was here in 2 seconds flat.

It's quite sad that he spent so much of his limited time with his kids texting me, telling me how awful I was to not be available to him at all times during the day and griping that I was manipulating him by not letting him know where I was. This is the man who accused me last year of trying to "track" him with my cell phone and of trying to control him. Hmmmm, projection much?

Anyway, the texts just annoyed me a bit and it's cathartic to vent it out here and let it go... I could have ignored the messages altogether (and have before) but I wanted to be able to say "yes I am available in an emergency and he knows that". So, I am pleased with myself for responding once and then being done. In the past I would have allowed my day to be ruined and been obsessed with making my point to him. I had a great day alone yesterday and got tons of stuff done.

hadenoughnow 02-05-2012 06:55 AM

This is typical abuser behavior IMO. My exah used to use our son as a "tracking device" to know where I was and what I was doing all the time (since we were not together any more not being able to know everything and be in control drove him crazy). Frequently he would not show for pick up then call hours later demanding I bring DS to him (um no). He would drop DS off early and come in my house and snoop. When DS was with him for visitation he would call me or have DS call me, if I didn't answer he blew up my VM and would rant to DS (then 13) about how I was a ***** etc.

After a few months of this I told him I was going to try again to get a restraining order and that this time I would make sure I was successful. I told him that he would either stick to the schedule or not see DS at all and that if he kept this crap up he would end up in court again. He did stop most of it but it took a couple of years (and me taking legal action) for him to get it through his thick head that my life is no longer his business.

He is simply trying to control you and using the girls. I have no doubt that the girls may have been upset but due to his antics not anything you did. Do not ask him what he wants, TELL him that he must give you days/times in advance and you are not at his disposal.

Telling him that he must follow some sort of schedule is not codependent (as opposed to asking him what he wants and over offering assistance).

wanttobehealthy 02-05-2012 07:08 AM

I sort of feel like this is far more control/power/abusive behavior than it is alcoholic, though right now it's hard to know whether his jacka$$ personality and such antics like these are impacted by his untreated disease or bc he is a jerk at the core. Either way I am glad to be done with him and clearly need to set even firmer boundaries than I have.

I know I still have a long way to go but I felt pleased in thinking this through this morning to realize that
a) I didn't get caught up in the madness and debate with him and let it ruin my day
b) I didn't let fear of his being angry at me stop me from having a great day
c) I didn't let it impact today either-- my girls are napping (rarity around here) and we are making football shaped cookies to take with us to the neighbors for a Superbowl party later (I am in Patriots land!)

In the past, I would have let yesterday ruin my day/weekend and would have made myself sick over it.

I realize I am spending energy talking about it, but I am doing so mainly bc I feel thrilled with myself for not letting it get to me like it once would have and I guess I like having a journal of sorts through my posts so that I can see progress. When I look back at posts from a year or so ago I am shocked at how miserable and stuck I was.

feelingalone43 02-05-2012 07:25 AM

You go Girl!!!

Willybluedog 02-05-2012 08:01 AM

Don't know if you have an Iphone or Ipod but my kids found this fun little app for when you are feeling frustrated.

It's called Action Movie, if you have a photo of someone you turn on action move and a series of disasters happen to that person.

In one my son takes a photo of me, then turns on action movie, all of a sudden a giant flaming meteroite falls on me.

It's funny, silly, and juvenille, but man what a stress reliever, we get lots of laughs out of it.

Hang in there, you are beating him at his stupid little game, it may only be a little at a time but you are definitely winning.

Big hugs,

Bill

wanttobehealthy 02-05-2012 08:03 AM

Bill, I do have an iphone and it's funny you mention this app bc my neighbors were over last night for weekly make pizza with the kids and adult play date too and the husband of the couple who were here showed me this video he made that scared the crap out of me... and it was from that app! I nearly had a heart attack when I first saw it! I should totally make a video for myself showing AH and his mother in one of those scenes! :)

marie1960 02-05-2012 08:53 AM

Wanttobehealthy, It is very sad that your hubby cannot embrace his time with his children. He is obviously spiraling out of control because he has lost control of the situation. He is unable to accept the consequences of his actions at this time.

If it were me, I would simply say, I have errands to run today, and will be home at the agreed time. Perhaps it would help get it thru his thick buffalo head, and he would not be making empty, upsetting promises to the kids. It would allow you to enjoy your time, without all this crazy drama.

We can only lead by example.

tjp613 02-05-2012 01:05 PM

In my experience, it was always best for all concerned to say (for example), "On Saturdays you have possession of the girls from XX a.m. to XX p.m." That way you can plan your life and he doesn't have to spend his time trying to run you down. Our unspoken rule was, "Don't call me unless someone is bleeding enough to need a tourniquet. Go have fun with your kids." You deserve a day of peace and quiet after all week of single parenting.

akrasia 02-05-2012 01:36 PM

Well done you for keeping your cool (outwardly).

How about a response in a letter, cc'd to your (or any relevant) attorney, in which you say something along the lines of:

"As you are aware, according to our custody agreement, XX-XX time/date is your time to enjoy with our children. This is not subject to negotiation or alteration unless there is a documented emergency. Your failure to abide by the terms of this court-ordered (skip "court-ordered" if it's not court-ordered) agreement is being documented and reported."

Short and sweet. Cc'ing it to your (or an) attorney doesn't mean you're actually retaining that attorney, but he doesn't know that.

Put the fear of God in him. Yeah he'll probably jump around and rattle his cage, call you all sorts of names, but I'll bet he'll cut the crap. Screw him, seriously.

blwninthewind 02-05-2012 10:54 PM

Good for you!!! :c011:

Progress not perfection......

and.... keep coming back!

wanttobehealthy 02-06-2012 04:17 AM

You know, reading these posts, I realized something. I left the end of day/return time open bc I was afraid to **** him off. I still am saying or not saying certain things in hopes of not setting him off. When I've tried to stick to the letter of the law without any manipulation I get raged at (along the likes of "you're so controlling", "girls we better be sure we aren't 1 minute late of mommy will call the police" - actually SAID to the girls!). So I guess I set myself up a bit bc I didn't set a return time and that probably inadvertantly sent AH the message that he had an opening to contact me throughout the day.

I am just so weary after these past few weeks, of being insulted and even though I can almost entirely ignore it now, it still sucks. So, I think subconsciously I DID leave the end time open (or simply didn't remind him of when he should be back) bc I just didn't want to a) hear more griping toward me and b) I thought maybe he'd be better with the girls and not rant about me (D6 has started to tell me things he says about me and I hate how upset I see that makes her).

Once again, I tried to control something that AH might or might not do and clearly that blew up in my face.

Seren 02-06-2012 05:09 AM


Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy (Post 3269600)
I could be wrong, but it's pretty insane that he expects me to lay out my schedule for him on a day that he has the girls and needs nothing from me. He knows my #, if there is an emergency he can reach me.

:c011:

You could be, but you are not wrong! Good for you!!!

painterman 02-06-2012 06:06 AM

Well done you for behaving in a cool and rational manner. I'm finding the same manipulative games even when my partner isn't drinking. She asked me to go shopping with her yesterday, then proceeded to walk ten yards in front of me, when we arrived at the supermarket she insisted on sitting outside in the cold ( I had threatened to try to get them not to serve her alcohol) the madness caused by drinks seeps into every corner of our lives, but I'm learning to rise above it. I'm a bit lonely and anxious at times but have plenty of friends who know the situation. Sanity will prevail one day!

wanttobehealthy 02-06-2012 07:46 AM

Painterman- It's absolutely the case that the insanity of alcoholism (or jerkiness in my AH's case combined with alcoholism) is constant. It used to be that he was just a jerk when he drank, then slowly it was all the time and I couldn't understand it bc after all I thought, if he's not drinking, then what's the problem. The person he is now is totally unrecognizable to me at this point but what is saddest of all is that I really don't remember what the person is like that he once was. The passive adult tantrums (your wife sitting in the cold, pouting bc she might not get her way or my AH claiming I hurt the girls by not sitting at my house waiting for him) are just another way to control and manipulate. It's exhausting just thinking about dealing with it.

PixieGirl 02-06-2012 10:31 AM

Good for you - you handled it well!

painterman 02-06-2012 02:49 PM

It is exhausting, unless we take the al-anon route, which is not dealing with it and ignoring it-sometimes easier said than done-Stay strong!


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