Redheadsusie

Heck of a morning - my beloved greyhounds seems to be losing the strength in his back legs so I had to get in the shower with him- no big deal- happy to do it. Thursday night AH told me I had to respect and obey him and horrible things to me. Yesterday was his birthday celebration so he texts me are we going to dinner........i said sure. He of course was drinking when I got home- drank on the way there- my son was with us thank God (20 yrs old) drank 2 beers big beers there and then got as usual loud and beligerant but my son difused it. He came home gets out of car - walks in house - no thank you - walks in bedroom and closes door - end of his night. Done. This am I was upset about something to do with other son at VT - really upset - being a stupid 22 year old- left for appt with work and then bathed the dog in my bathing suit in the shower. He comes in I tell him the dogs legs gave out -I hd dried him and he was on the bed - I am really upset - he says - Is that my new towel (that I bought by the way) for the boat under the dog- I said are you kidding me - his legs gave out- he needs something under him on his bed - he is wet . He storms out and calls me some name.....I go in the laundry room and there are his 3 towels with tags still on them - I take them out to the boat and say here you go - no reason to always be so mean- you know the dog is not well- why would you be so mean. He flat out tells me he asked calmly and loving and I am crazy as **** and everyone knows I have an anger problem which is hysterical. I said AH you make me so sad - all you have to do is say you are sorry for being so mean - and he says you are the one with the problems dropped the F word a few times and tells me again I am nuts. Do the turn the tables to make themselves feel better. Oh- Told me I was with him for a paycheck which is also hysterical as I pay 70% of the bills- I mus be the dumbest woman marrying for money ever. WTF! I am getting very close to being done. If I had the cash now I would go.

dollydo

Why do you engage him? You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. Even if he said he was sorry, what difference would it make? He will just do it again. He is a foul mouthed abuser and nothing is going to change...drunk or not, that is who he is.

What are your bounderies with him? What is your plan to improve your situation?

Seren

There is no lock on the chains that you have placed around your own feet.

I hope that you will come to know you deserve better than to be verbally abused.

Many hugs and prayers, HG

Willybluedog

So sorry, I know what it is like to be locked in the dance with someone who is constantly verbally abusive.

Always remember this, you are beautiful, smart, important, and deserve to be loved!

Big hugs to you.

If you are feeling down and need a boost just send me a message, I will be glad to remind you how special and important you are.

Also, so sorry about your puppydog, I will say a prayer for both of you.

Bill

NYCDoglvr

One of my favorite lines is from the movie "Thelma and Louise". Louise says "Thelma, you get what you settle for".

Redheadsusie

You get what you settle for...........wow....so tru - thank you.

Redheadsusie

He is who he is..I know I will not grow old with him.......Just need to figure it out and I need to find the strength.......

dollydo

Yes, look up...see the exit sign? Might be time to walk past it again...forever...

Be specific...what are you afraid of? There is a reason you went back with him and continue to stay.

wicked

How can anyone be so mean?
Well, my father was mean because he was a bully and an alcoholic.
I think your husband is mean and gets meaner because he gets better with practice.
The more he hurts you, the more you stay.
Yes, he gets lots of practice.
I am sorry.

Beth

feelingalone43

Bullies are usually mean because it makes them feel tough, and they need to make you feel like it's your fault so they don't have to take the blame for a bad marriage.

I am married to an alcoholic who gets rude, sloppy, and obnoxious when he's drunk. Of course, he can't remember the hurtful things he says, so he can never be sorry for them.

Every situation is different. I choose to stay at this point because I am finding ways to avoid being anywhere near him when he's drunk. And I am working on keeping myself healthy and happy.

Best of luck to you, and keep coming here. It has been the best thing I have done for myself.

Redheadsusie

Yes I have left his sorry ass 3 times- or asked him to exit as he cant pay for the house and I can. Dont know why I let him con me into coming back. Low self esteem- listening to the horrible voices he leaves in my head about how horrible I am.- how I will grow old alone- how I am every man's nightmare - you name it. To me the name calling and the cursing and the ignoring is normal as sick as that sounds. In no other aspect of my life do I get treated poorly- I love every other part of my life- love it. He gets his act together when he is not here and I foolishly have trusted him to keep it together when he returns. I need therapy - I need Al anon. I need it all...........I need a smack in the head ... Mostly I need prayers.........god give me strength. I did not raise 2 awesome kids alone tonot be strong but for some reason I don't trust my inner strength......... Crap!

marie1960

We all have our breaking point. Trust your gut instincts. You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. You sound like a very sound and strong woman. Alcoholism seems to suck the life right out of us. I spent way to long second guessing myself and the situation I was in.

Sounds to me like your husband puts you down in the manner he does, because he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. The day I no longer cared what kind of stupid rant came out of a drunk man's mouth, was the day my life started changing for the better. I mean really they are drunk and are not thinking clearly. Might as well have a head full of marbles to match the sh*t talk coming out of their mouth.

I will never regret ending a toxic situation with an active alkie. My life has returned to normal, no more crazy roller coaster ride for me. The extra energy I have now is unbelievable. My only regret is that I did not do it sooner. Sending you strength, you are not alone, my friend.

dollydo

I am old, I am living alone...yet...I am not alone...I have an active social life, I have many friends, and I have my pets...when a women believes that she must have a man to define her and feels that she cannot be happy without one...she will never find true happiness. Happiness is an inside job, it is attained from the inside out.

We woman have been ingrained to believe that we are nothing without a man...no matter how bad/abusive he is...time for us to thrive, and build our self esteem on our merits, our achievements.

blwninthewind

When he says things like that you need to remember that just because he says something doesn't make it true. Acknowledge (silently) to yourself that you know the truth and it's the A talking.

It helps. Really it does.

seek

What do you see in him?

Redheadsusie

Seek- Not sure - I see him as a broken person but I also see him as someone who is with me and with my self esteem issues - I guess I feel like I owe him. I need to get myself straight. Today he apologized for everything told me he loves me and my boys and his family has done nothing but try to help me. Always tries to make me feel like a piece of crap and ungrateful ..I should stay with him he thinks because his family helped us buy a river house - even though I make the payments. He does not address his contribution towards any problems - always me. Today he left town to watch Superbowl with all of his drunk high school buddies who are all painfully dysfunctional. I am happy to be alone for the day with the Greyhound Extreme. I have not answered his texts or his e mails. As soon as i say anything he does not like he will turn and the hatred will spew.

suki44883

When you have had enough, you will do something about it. Until then, just remember that just because he says something doesn't make it true. Deep down, you know that, so keep reminding yourself. You owe him nothing.

Redheadsusie

Yep- I have been down all of those roads before and I am still immersed in it. Going to Al- Anon tomorrow- have made a vow to myself that I am worthy of happiness and don't deserve this. Someonehow I will figure this out. Thank you again for the support - with love,

Adipsia

Susie,

A few years ago around the time that I met my alcoholic ex, I was building up a fund so that I could quit my business and become a stock trader. I read loads of books about successful equity trading, which is - contrary to popular - all about cutting losses rather than just finding winners.

And I remember a quote from a top stock-trader, I can't remember his name; but he said - when talking about winners and losers - "Everyone gets what they want from life". This quote stayed with me right the way through my five year relationship with an alcoholic partner whom I loved dearly, but which ended the wrong way, based upon how I felt at the time.

I think The Rolling Stones too had a song called "You don't always get what you want... but you sometimes get what you need". My experience is that you always get what you need exactly when you need it.

I can't tell you how to live your life or what to do with it, and it's easier to teach a cat to bark than teach an alcoholic in denial to give up drink, but you will know when enough is enough, and when that time comes you will act on it decisively.

Just bear in mind that life is teaching you a lesson, but once you've learned it - and you may already have done so - you should move on and not look back.

Peter

Adipsia

You're not old, just very wise... but don't go thinking men are any different, "we're all more human than otherwise". Living with addiction has taught me the same lesson.

If I think that anything or anyone outside of me can make me happy, I'm insane. Thankfully my periods of insanity are lessening now. :-)