what would you do?

Old 02-03-2012, 11:22 AM
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what would you do?

-short backstory-moved out with the kids year and a half ago, XAH is homeless-"living" about an hour from us. He has no car, just finally started working a job, but will be going to jail for some drinking related stuff next Tuesday. He will be in for 6 months.

Here's my question. He claims to be sober right now, for a couple of weeks. Can't stay in the shelter if he has been drinking, and since it's cold, he's opted to be able to stay in the shelter. So, I am kind of inclined to believe he is sober. For now.

He wants me to pick him up and bring him back to my home so that he can see the girls before heading to the klink. I did this one other time fairly recently, and it went fine, but I don't want to. I don't think I should have to. It's the weekend.......when I hang with the kids and get laundry and other housework done. And maybe even relax a little. I know if he's there I will be on edge all weekend.

I am only considering it for the sake of the kids. They won't see him for a long time after this weekend.

I don't know what to do........maybe some lingering codie in me is having a hard time saying no?.......I don't know.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i suspect he has a hidden agenda........
Ditto...then he'll be in your house, with the girls, easily able to pull at their heart-strings by going on about how poor daddy has to go to jail and isn't it unfair, blah quack blah...

"No" is a complete sentence. He made some serious mistakes and now he's having to face the consequences of those mistakes. Not your job to sugar coat the experience by playing taxi.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:57 AM
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I can imagine this is a tough decision to make. IMO, and only since you asked, let him stew in the shelter. He's not in recovery and there is no reason to expose the kids to whatever he may decide to pull this weekend, like one more binge which he can't have at the shelter.

Your friend,
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:04 PM
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I have to say I'm with the opinion of everyone who posted.

Be good to yourself and the kids and enjoy your peace, why let pain back in.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:21 PM
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Thank you all. Now I just have to de-codie myself and tell him to forget it.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:22 PM
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While I do agree with everyone else I've done the ooposite. I did it once before and I'll probably do it again. :sigh: Sometimes I just do the codie thing because it is to hard for me to make the other decision. It results in so much more emotional drain/stress/turmoil then the 2 days. I just do the best I can and plan as best I can to make it work (I'm gone a lot, working extra, etc.) I learn something each time about speaking up to him and enforcing boundaries so I guess it isn't all for nothing.

I don't know how old your kids are but I have kids asking me. I just can't bring myself to tell them "No because I don't wanna." If he was still drinking I'd say no without to much difficulty but when he isn't it is harder for me.

Not a 'good' answer but an honest one. ETA: There is no chance in my mind that I am going to 'take him back'. That door is closed and I'm certain that it is. That may make a difference.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:35 PM
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My home isn't/hasn't been his home. So it's not really about him coming "home" or a question of me taking him back. Never in a million years.....the thought of it makes me cringe.

The kids don't know about it, better to keep it that way, I agree.

I just feel guilty saying no, but there again, is the codie trying to escape from where I put her!

Thanks to all of you.
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:21 PM
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MyBetterWorld, It is so very good to see how far you have come. I have been following your story, from the back row. (As I have been warned not to be so outspoken, regarding certain issues).

If memory serves me correctly, and please forgive, if I have you confused with another, this XA was charged/accused of abuse of children? IMHO he lost all rights they day he laid his hands on a helpless child. Unacceptable and unforgivable acts do not ever warrant further consideration. I am sorry that your kids are fatherless at this time. But it sounds like they have a mom who is trying to do right by them, and for that I commend you and offer my continued support of you and your kids. May you stay strong and focused in your new journey.
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Old 02-03-2012, 03:08 PM
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No, No, No....and one more No!
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Old 02-03-2012, 08:27 PM
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He as a place of shelter and food, til he goes to jail so he doesn't need any "help" there.

Did he consider seeing his kids instead of doing whatever dumb thing he did, that got him the jail time? NO! Then he can forgo their company now, and they don't get to be with a Mr Sorry sides either.

If he is in the p**p then it is wholly his responsibility, due to is action and choices and now he gets to live with his own business.

Keep him away from your home, your place of peace and harmony and don't let him anywhere near enough to taint it with a propaganda.

Children and mums first, in priority for me....those who have different agendas stay on the boat.
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Old 02-04-2012, 06:07 AM
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yeah, i smell a binge too. spare yourself the drama and have a nice weekend!
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:29 AM
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It's ok to say "NO"
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