quetzal

Ohhh Friends I need some words from you all....

Some of you know my story, but I will just make it super quick, With an AH for this last year. In Dec. he binged and destroyed parts of my house said nasty things and pretty much disappeared. He ran away from the whole thing and he and I have not had much interaction since. This last time I saw him (the 2nd time) he cried to me for an hour and we acted as if we were together.... It was odd but I think this happened because we hadn't seen each other and just missed each other's company.

Tonight he asked to meet up with my best friend to talk, she called me and told me that he had said that the reason he thought we broke up was because of other things in the relationship!!!!! OTHER THINGS!!!!! ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME!!! Oh so the fact that you binged in December and basically destroyed everything in your path wasn't the real reason why we're here today... oh know his reasons were:

1. The fact that I like to wake up early and he likes to sleep in..
2. That he likes to spend so much time with his family and I don't (BULL CRAP BTW) and he constantly complained about having to go to his family functions and "PUT ON A PLASTIC SMILE" in his words.
3. That I'm high energy ... which means that I was a healthy functioning person that didn't want to sit in my own sadness!!!!

Oh so that's why we broke up, wow well I'm glad he went out of his way to clear that up with my best friend (and not me)...

I know I need to let go with love, I know this but I don't know what is stopping me from off loading all this anger on him.... seriously and teh fact that he can still drink after the tremendous pain that he continues to create and wallow in. I am usually always so understanding and I know that I am just angry right now. Expecting anything but madness from this ADDICTED PERSON is so not logical. I just can't believe that he can make those reasons up... I am more frustrated with my self for wanting and choosing someone like this in my life. Why do I still care, I know its still so fresh but I guess after our interaction a few days ago I thought that we were making headway... WHATEVER my twisted mind thinks s headway, I know that there is no logic to this and these are clearly expectations that I pretended I din;t have or want. Im just so disappointed.... and angry, I just want to be able to control my head more. Tell myself that it's not worth the energy and stop creating these illusions of hope towards someone that clearly has some heavy issues. Why do I want to subject myself to this again and again. I feel rejected as if I did something to cause this, when If I had heard this from a friend I would say " This is not your doing" why can I do that for me.

I have waved the white flag and been the bigger person throughout the ordeal and to hear him say those things made me laugh and cry... I need empathy but also a wake up call to reality...

marie1960

Sounds to me like AH is in serious DENIAL, he is also trying to manipulate this situation. I just don't understand why he felt the need to confide in your best friend. And I really don't understand why she engaged in this "none of her business" conversation. And then to share all his words with you......... gosh, I am sorry that your friend choose to act so insensitive.

One of my favorite quotes around here, "It's none of my business what someone else is saying about me."

I know things are rough for you right now, just remember you are "broke up" You really do get to go forward and live the life that awaits you. Give yourself permission to move forward.

Perhaps I would tell my bestfriend not to share anymore of XA negative comments with you. Hearing all his crap is not healthy and it's not helping the situation. Wishing you all good things in life.

FindingJoy

Oh I so know those feelings of insanity and all if the self blame.

Remember you did cause his addiction, you can't control and you won't ever cure it.

He is very ill and has to believe that your break up wasn't about his drinking in order to continue drinking. You see he still wants to drink more than ANYTHING. If he didn't he wouldn't. So he will do anything and hurt anyone to protect his addiction. WHY? Because in his mind the booze is his medicine not a poison.

Extremely hurtful because you are in live with what he could be and what you could be together....IF. But we can't control the IF and all we can do is let it go and turn it over to our higher power. We can also turn all of this energy and attention to ourselves for once.

I'm still hurting and having random fantasy thoughts after 5 weeks of not seeing my RExAB. Yes the R is there for Recovering. He was no different even with the booze out of his system. Yes I was crushed and shocked since I told my self a huge lie that all would be amazing IF he just quit drinking. WRRRROOOOONG

Big hug.

quetzal

yes, just to clarify my bestie and him used to be quite close and so when he approached her she was merely going to see if he had improved and also because in the past he has tried to get her opinion on "US" meaning he and I. She did it out of love for me I believe as she is not happy with all that he had done to us. He has hurt her too in the way he has treated her. When she came to me I could tell she felt really uncomfortable sharing it, I did want to hear what had went on and that I take full responsibility for this. Yes I am so angry right now and just want to diminish him in such a way... I know that the evil bad side of me that I should ignore. I wrote a letter..yes yes I know I must not mail it...but Im so tempted to. I truly know that I must disconnect 100% now as he only hurts me, It just pissed me off that he wants to wrap in in a healthy break up bow. As if it wee little things here and there that lead to our demise... Im having a hard time letting go in love.... I know my codie thing is out wanting to control the way things lay...

quetzal

He's an addict and that's it

CanfixONLYme

Hi quetzal... "letting go in love" - I think this is a very BIG thing that most of us codies struggle with, especially after all the time and effort we put into a relationship that was going nowhere and after what our addicted loved ones did because of their addictions.

I guess I'm going to tell you what I'm trying to tell myself... it's okay to have our own thoughts and feelings and that in time, we shall heal. We just need to see how things really are and not how we want/hope them to be.

Big hugs to you.

quetzal

I am so broken up about this, I thought I was further down the line... I really did. When I saw him last he seemed so grateful to see me, gave me an xmas present that he sobbed over saying that he had been looking forward to giving it to me for the last 2 months.. it all sounded so genuine.

My thoughts are not well, I feel as If I have to defend these ridiculous excuses he made up... I actually wrote a letter doing so and want to mail it so badly with his gift returned back, I don't want it anymore... Im so hurt. It was this beautiful necklace that just reminds me of all this bull... I am truly trying to end this now, I will block my phone tomorrow and make sure I can cut off all ties to him that I have... Im really wanting to end it in hurt... as I am so hurt.... I have never been this type of person and am beating myself up for it... but Im at that point where Melody Beattie says... If you can leave a relationship in love do so, If you cannot...do so anyway - ANYWAY to get you out.... At this point I need out but want to make sure that he knows I haven't forgotten... and that my kindness and understanding doesn't mean he can go to people I KNOW and start spinning his BULL... I'm tired and I know I'll feel differently ... in time

CanfixONLYme

We are really good at beating ourselves up mentally over and over and over and over again --- about people/places and things we had NO CONTROL over in the first place. (sigh).

I hear where you are coming from quetzal. It's a process... it all is. You are probably further along than you think. Really. When we meet 'normal' people or have 'normal' interactions, we don't have to second guess their motives or actions. Because 99% of the time, they don't have any!!! Unfortunately, with addicts, we do have to 2nd guess/3rd guess etc... because 99% they usually do!!

I personally feel now, that unless a person can:

1. stand on their own two feet without 'needing' someone to 'help' them,
2. secure employment
3. keep money in the bank,
4. pay their bills and debts
5. treat others fairly,
6. STOP blaming others for their problems (or make sh*t up, like your addicted loved one is doing)
7. STOP trying to get accolades for doing things they SHOULD be doing in the first place (ie: treating people nice, being responsible etc. see 1-6 above).
8. ***STAYING SOBER (WITHOUT tooting their horns) and just LIVE LIFE without needing to show off or seek attention to THEMSELVES...

...then and only then, do they deserve a chance being a part of my life. I'm tired of the manipulating bullsh*t addicts pull on others and yes, though it is a disease, it leaves a huge wake of hurt and pain behind. I'm just not cool with it anymore... and it looks like you're on that road too.

You're doing great. I hear being angry is actually okay... and that it helps. (My current struggle right now).

Big hugs to you!

quetzal

Thank you CanfixONLYme,

I really needed to hear what you had to say, I do know this,

He suffers for more then I do everyday. I may be spending a lot of time figuring this and myself out but in the end WE do this because we truly love ourselves and this is the healthy way of healing. He bottles EVERY LITTLE THING up and just off loads it when he is LOADED. I do want to express myself and be angry... Being angry is something I have not really allowed myself to do. This last bit just triggered it so much inside of me. On the upside to this is really knowing where he stands as last week really confused me. I had gotten the impression we were meeting to exchange items for a few minutes and then be on our separate ways. He decided to take the lead and make it "TWISTED DATE NIGHT" which I tried, to see how I would feel. It felt good but when we kissed I didn't feel the same anymore... Some spark was gone. Even when I saw him, he just looked average, which was such a great feeling to feel.

The relief is the idea that there is no hope anymore and I may have to hammer another nail in myself to make sure that I understand that ... just for my own sanity. I was still seeing him marching up and taking charge, being a man and doing all that he could do.

I'm looking to the wrong man... in fact a boy

quetzal

Not even a boy... I just realized... AN ADDICT

LifeRecovery

Quetzal-

When I got divorced after five years of marriage my ex told me almost the same three excuses. Then he said I had never forgiven him (he is right) for something that happened the first two weeks in our marriage. He was so intoxicated he punched a window, kicked a dog, and broke a camera.

It was a horrible thing to hear. A few weeks later he commented that he might be willing to look at why he did so much drinking, but a few weeks after that he was back to his old ways.

One thing that time helped with though was this. My ex struggled with blackout drinking on many occasions. The episode I mentioned above was one of them. He was not capable of understanding the level of impact because of that....because he was not there. For him it was another level of denial to allow his drinking to continue.

I am not crazy because I had a response to that night. It was scary and relationship altering. I do better though when I remember that I don't need anyone else to back me up on that (because then I am dissapointed if I am not believed.

dollydo

He is only doing what addicts do, lie, manipulate, deflect. He is not relationship material, take off your rose colored glasses, accept him for who he is and move forward with your life.

There is a big, wide wonderful world out there, filled with decent, sober men, don't waste your time and effort on someone who will never be your Mr. Right.

choublak

Yeah, I find the whole thing where he talked to your best friend, about you, strange.

NYCDoglvr

So why are you letting a drunk live rent free in your head? Or be in your life?
I find it helpful to question WHY I do something. What is my motive? And, to ask myself if this is what I want my life to be.

quetzal

Yes I actually found it so strange that he reached out to her too, they were actually good friends before I met him for many years.. so I thought he was coming to her for advice...etc... She saw I was in pain and was hoping (like me) that he had been getting help during the time that I had decided not be in contact with him. Thank you all for your words, I hear you but am not really "understanding" yet... I hope I get to that place soon... I have been reactionary and putting myself out there again, only to be bitten time and time again....

lillamy

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

When I left my AXH and during the divorce proceedings (which were, by all measurements, very swift, but in my mind still went on forfuhkingEVER), I had a friend and coworker who said goodbye to me every day with the words, "Stay pissed off!"

That was EXTREMELY helpful to me. Because it's SO damn easy to get sucked back in. To believe the "reality" the A creates in order to protect his/her addiction. Because you want to believe it, somewhere. You want to believe that it can work if you only fix A, B, and C (for me, the main thing was losing weight -- I was at 18% body fat; you lose your period at 16%, and he was still calling me fat) and you work SO damn hard at it and... if you accept that you can't fix it, you also accept that YOU CHOSE THIS PERSON and that means there's something wrong with you!

At some point, I decided that it was better to focus on what I could fix -- me -- than to spend the rest of my life trying to fix something I didn't have any control over. Alcoholism is like the weather, in a way -- you can bitch and moan about it, but you have as much control over it as you have about the weather. A friend in Al-Anon said to me early on, when I was still looking for ways to make AH stop drinking, "when you've found that, why don't you also share with me a way to make your hair grow out longer and curlier and thicker and in a different color?"

Cut your losses. Don't try to fix the unfixable. But fix the fixable. Make sure you know yourself, so you don't run head on into another relationship just like the one you got out of.

And lots of hugs. It's so damn confusing, all of it, insanity-making, really.

quetzal

Thanks lillamy, Yes I'm mad now, I sent him a letter days ago as I didn't want to talk anymore...just let it go once and for all. The things (bull) that he told my best friend was ridiculous and I just couldn't let that go.. I know I should but HELLZZ NO!!! Not yet, The letter was what I needed to say as I feel like he used my kindness to try to make these other reasons why it didn't work. As you see I am not over it and I know some of you will say that a letter is pointless. But I had to tell him that Im mad and that it wasn't okay for him to go to my friend (instead of me and say such bull crap) I returned his gift, broken in pieces as I want him to see that Im DONE!!!! He chose alcohol over loving himself, I know this won't change anything on his end... It was for me to say and write and know... Melody Beattie says that if you reach a point when your so consumed with someone you need to detach... Detach with love if possible, if not Detach in ANGER as long as you DETACH... I've blocked his number from my phone. No facebook and I promised myself to not read emails etc.... EVER! Funny when I told my friends all this they said "GOOD" like 3 of my closest friends and they said they were glad I was angry now, that I had been so nice and understanding. I was afraid that being angry wasn't good, but now I know that I must go through it to fully DETACH.

If he couldn't see me for who I was and what I had to offer that was his loss. I want someone who knows what they want, has their life together and wants me for all that I am. Loves me with kindness and is gentle. Loves themselves and can say it with no hesitation, can stand by me through the toughest of times. If that is not in the stars for me then... I AM BETTER OFF ALONE...with my wonderful self

Hugs to all of you

gerryP

Good for you Quetzel!

I wouldn't have sent the present back in pieces though....I would have broken it into pieces over his head. But, since it was better to have no contact you did the next best thing. Kudos....His loss, let him stay in his bubble. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, later gator, moving onward and upward.

quetzal

Thanks gerryP, It means a lot to hear you say that. We met up last week and he sobbed for over an hour... then gave me my "Xmas Present" it was this necklace that I had said I liked months ago. The necklace was a token, full of guilt and sadness. I accepted it, hoping it meant a new beginning. I was so wrong. I had held our relationship in such high regard but came to realize that he would have loved for us to stay "Close" but not committed!!!! F*** that I'm not going be just some girl that you mess with cuz you can't get you SH** together... Hard for me to see it for what it was and after I did, couldn't bear to wear it... lol and yes over his head would have been nice but I wouldn't give him the GIFT of being in my presence any longer

Hugs and HUgs!