coleman1970

I hope it is alright to talk about this, but it is a subject I feel is too often ignored in the treatment of alcoholics and their partners.
I have been with my partner for four years. He was always honest about his addiction. My partner is currently in residential rehab after a long battle to get it, but here is my problem.
Despite his addiction, my attraction for him has never waned. We had a very healthy intimate life when we met, but now he is getting help, it has dwindled away to nothing. He says it is because of his problem and it will get better. I want to believe that, but it hurts so much that I have been pushed aside.
I get so angry because I want to support him, but I am scared that when he is fully recovered, he will decide he no longer wants me.
Has anyone else ever felt this way ?
I firmly believe that a healthy relationship has to have a healthy intimate life. Does an alcoholic stop seeing a partner as a sexual person after they have supported them through recovery ?

fourmaggie

are you in AL ANON?...

thewaywewere

I am so sorry for you and agree it is a subject that is ignored. With me it was total oppossite ... there was no intimacy at all while my husband was using and everytime he is sober for periods of time - it returns full swing... Give him some time, he may just be having all sorts of feelings of guilt or anger or sadness and everything that comes with trying to recover. All you can do is be there for him and for yourself. Give it some time. Dont feel like he is pushing you away, he may just be trying to deal with everything that is going on around him. I wish you luck..

MustStop

A big reason why my ex-gf left me when I was drinking heavily (without her knowing) was that my "intimate drive" had taken a huge nose-dive, along with me paying very little attention to her. A couple weeks after she left (and I quit drinking for good) she asked twice if I had been cheating on her as I became quite distant. That makes sense because god was she ever angry when she broke up with me.

I told her everything, the stark remarks I had made to her, the reduced sex drive, the distance, the early night sign off's, the wait-until-afternoon meet's...everything, was due to my drinking and that I had never cheated (I didn't/Wouldn't). It was a huge weight off my shoulders to tell her everything, and even though she got mad and told me I was a jerk, hated me, I had lied, don't contact etc..she would toss in "I wish it had worked" and kinda back and forth stuff.

I wished her peace, love and happiness and we said our goodbye's..that was a few days ago and I believe that will be it for us.

Freedom1990

Hello coleman, and welcome to SR.

Note that in your quote, I put "healthy" in bold letters. That's important.

Alcoholism affects everyone around the alcoholic, regardless of who it is (ie. partner, parent, child, etc).

It's called a family disease for a reason.

A relationship with an active alcoholic is not healthy, regardless of how "good" we think our relationship might be with them.

I can tell you as a long-term recovering alcoholic myself, early recovery was tough. I couldn't tell you what I was feeling most of the time because I had "medicated" those feelings for years with alcohol/drugs. I was confused, emotionally raw, and still very immature. I had no idea what I really wanted, nor could I distinguish between wants and needs.

I can also tell you as a long-term recovering codependent (I was married to an active alcoholic/addict, and have a daughter active in addictions) that his current state of not participating intimacy is not personal. It just feels that way to you. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him being early in recovery and trying to sort out his life.

I can tell you what has helped me tremendously over the years. Attending Alanon on a regular basis, and practicing the principles in all areas of my life has helped in all of my relationships, including with family members. I read and continue to re-read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I have also seen a therapist off and on over the years to help me sort through my emotional damage from the alcoholics in my life.

In my own personal experience, if the alcoholic in a relationship does get into recovery and sticks with it, and the significant other doesn't have recovery for themselves, the probability of the relationship failing is very high.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support.

girlincrisis

Hi there, I've just joined up as I'm hoping someone can help...

I'm in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, 12 years sober. We got seriously involved quickly and started living together after just a couple of months. We've been together 6 months now and we seem to suddenly be going backwards very quickly.

In the beginning, although he was never particularly comfortable with affection, we had an active sex life and he was at least attentive, would send me texts and would be romantic, caring and affectionate in his messages, even though he struggled to verbalise it or display it in person.

I feel like I have started to lose him though over the past few weeks and I don't know what set that off or how to stop it. We now rarely have sex, he says he's tired and goes to bed early. He never initiates sex, I feel like I have to practically beg him for intimacy (which is only because I am looking for some validation that he still wants to be with me).

He doesn't kiss me, hug me, sits on the other side of the room instead of next to me on the sofa. He doesn't want to do anything remotely romantic. Just writing this I feel pathetic because if I was reading it I'd say, he just wants out, he's gone off you. But, he maintains that he loves me and I just have to deal with the fact that he has these walls up and he won't change so if I can't deal with it I should leave. I feel like I'm driving him away further by trying to reach him and I'm completely lost. I love him but I don't know if he genuinely loves me and whether he can't or won't change. I also don't know if I can live without affection.

How can I get what I need without driving him away? All suggestions gratefully received.

Taking5

Have you asked him why he doesn't want intimacy? His answer?

girlincrisis

He says it doesn't feel natural to him, his parents were never affectionate with each other. He says he's an isolator and he has intimated that there are things in his past that have led to that. I asked him what it meant to him to be in love and he said I'd hit a wall and he couldn't answer that.

naive

sex is a complicated issue.

low sex drive could be a result of many things...in men, testoterone is produced by the endocrine system. it is possible he has hypothyroid issues and low testeterone as a result. this can be diagnosed by a medical doctor

from what you've described, it could also be psychological. libido can be lowered due to stress, anxiety, trauma or depression.

is he on any meds? if so, that could also be a factor.

it doesn't sound as if he wants to explore the potential cause...he's essentially stated that you can either deal with it or leave.

so, the question you need to answer for yourself is if you want to live without affection and/or sex.

daddyshelper

I used to think my husband had to get drunk just to make love to me. However, we've recently been separated due to his career, and I realize how much he loves and needs me, even when he's completely sober. If a spark was there before, I truly believe it can be ignited again. It might simply take some time to rekindle that fire. Best of luck!

girlincrisis

Thanks for your comments.

He's not on any meds and he's been 12 years clean so I know this isn't a new issue, but he also says he's had very few relationships in his life, and has never lived with anyone before. The longest previous relationship was 8 months and he says he was never affectionate in any of those relationships because the girlfriends weren't either so it was never an issue.

I could live with erratic sex life if he would just give me a hug and kiss me. I'm just not sure that's ever going to happen naturally for us.

laurie6781

Some people, both men and women, grew up in a home where there was no demonstration of love. No hugs, no kisses, no hand holding.

And never having seen it, they just do not know what to do. My father was that way. But my mom never gave up. She would give him a hug, out of nowhere. They would be somewhere and she would grab his hand.

Slowly, my father learned how to SHOW his feelings in that respect, and others also. It took a good 30 years, and until he started returning actions, it was one of my mother's biggest complaints about my dad. However, they were married 56 years and 4 months when he passed and she missed him terribly. They had a volatile marriage for many years of that 56 years, but to them it was a good marriage.

I suspect, from what you have shared that

1) he has a low testosterone level;

and

2) he never saw his folks show their affection, ie he grew up in a cold home.

I can tell you from my own experiences in recovery that being 'intimate' and/or sexual shenanigans was an extremely scary prospect in my recovery and it took me years to learn over again h' ow to do things SOBER when before I had always had the 'assistance' of alcohol and/or drugs.

As to can you change him??? Nope, the only person any of us can 'change' is ourselves. Now, if you truly care about him, and can accept that this is the way he is, then you might try what my mom did. Out of no where, give him a peck on the cheek, then go back to what you were doing. Out of no where, give him a quick hug, and then go back to what you were doing. In time, although he might be uncomfortable with it at first, it will become the norm. Hopefully it won't take 30 years like it did with my dad, lol

Otherwise, it might be time to relook at what you feel you need in a relationship and then decide what is important and what isn't, what you can live with and what you cannot.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

girlincrisis

Thank you so much for your reply. It's good to hear that it can be worked on! I do think it is a mix of physical and psychological factors. I want to keep trying but he's suggested that he moves out for now. I don't think that's necessarily a bad idea as then when we do see each other without the pressures of the day to day household stuff, I'm hoping we'll be closer again. He still definitely has anger issues and I think that's exacerbated by our living situation.

I won't give up just yet!

Cyranoak

...that there is no intimacy with an alcoholic not in recovery. There's just sex, and they typically only do it to feel better about themselves.

How in the world can there be intimacy with somebody who's drunk and/or stoned all the time? How?

I apologize for being indelicate but let me ask a rhetorical question: do you really want intimacy or do you just want to get laid? If it's the former you'll unlikely get it from an alcoholic not in recovery. If you want the latter you can find it fairly easily. If you want both, but from somebody you love, then find somebody capable of providing both-- alcoholics cannot-- they are all about themselves and thier drinking until they find recovery, and then often remain all about themselves.

The good news is, and this has been true of my RAW, if they do find recovery the "magic" can be recaptured. While not a guarantee I know this to be true, but only if they find recovery.

Cyranoak

BobbyJ

Wish I had a great answer for you. But I dont..BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!!

Wisconsin

I am so, so glad that this topic came up. My AH is still very much active, and it does not appear to me that he is even contemplating recovery (although there is plenty that I am no longer tuned in to with him and his drinking, since I am trying to be as "hands off" as I can). We haven't been married even 3 years yet, and our intimate life (sex AND all the other things) is now non-existent. And of course, the drop-off absolutely coincides with when he started drinking again and the subsequent escalation of his drinking.

I have tortured myself about being unloved and unlovable...unwanted and unwantable. I have wondered (and asked) about whether he is cheating. I have shed so many tears over this, and lost so many hours of sleep. He (of course) denies cheating, and blames the lack of intimacy on me (that he "can't just turn it on" because of all the things I have supposedly done to him).

It makes SUCH a huge difference to me to know that others go through this too. And it is comforting to hear from people who are in recovery (and their spouses) about the reasons for this kind of situation.

Florence

Yeah, don't do this to yourself (speaking from experience here). This is his issue, not yours. It's *his* issue.

RoundII

When my A is drinking, she does not really care to be intimate. Not because of lack of desire, but more because she doesn' t want me to smell the alchohol on her breath. As with many A's she has shame in her own behavior. When she was just getting ready to leave rehab, her couselor asked her what she was looking forward torward the most being newly sober. Her response was to be ab
le to kiss her husband again on the lips!

inpieces314

My boyfriend keeps buggin' me for sex. It is really starting to bother me. For reasons that I won't get into that go well beyond his alcoholism, I sometimes can't even stand to look at him. I know it's horrible. I don't think he knows how bad it is, and like I said, it has nothing to do with his drinking. But still. I plan on telling him like tonight because the thoughts racing through my head about this are driving me insane.

Then he gets mad and tells me he will go elsewhere. Whatever, go do it. But don't come back. We all are responsible for our own actions, and there is no way I will take responsibility if he feels the need to go cheat on me or whatever.

NYCDoglvr

First, no one is every "fully recovered". An alcoholic is always an alcoholic. Those of us blessed with recovery get a reprieve each day we don't drink.

You seem to think getting sober is a couples experience. It is your BF's disease and his recovery. You have a much better chance of having a relationship if you give him a great deal of space during the first six months or so. If he doesn't make getting sober his priority he will loose it.

It helps to understand that relationships change when one person go from being an active alcoholic to a sober alcoholic. If you want to support him, then build up a life for yourself while he does the same.