girlincrisis

Wisconsin,

So interesting that your husband blamed your actions for the lack of intimacy. My BF initially did the same, but after a particularly heated exchange he did admit that actually he's probably not capable of it. I think that was probably more depressing for me - the fact that it's not something I can influence. I'd love to hear from a RA that has experienced this and overcome it, and how. Is it something you wanted to overcome or is it a case of not missing what you've never had?

kbw2520000

I am very much in this position right now. My GF is now been in recovery for 3 months. The intimacy has slowly been less and less and she has continued to be distant. We talk on the phone on a regular basis, however, when it comes to spending time together she seems to find every excuse of what she has going on. I truly believe right now she just has a lot that is coming to the surface after 10 years of drinking/pot use and dealing with me positively or negatively is just too much for her to handle. She tells me that she loves me and wants me to be the man of her life. She also tells me that through her rough past (jail, almost dying, DUI, ect) she has been through much more experiences than I have, and for that she is much more emotionally strong and experienced. However, she does not display this in the way that she handles herself emotionally. (Q. because she used alcohol and pot to not deal with her emotions wouldn't that mean that she would have a hard time growing emotionally from those experiences she has been though?)

I want only the best for her recovery and I am really working on myself at the same time (going to psychologist and Al-anon). Both have been amazing and very helpful, but if there is anyone out there that has any advice of has been in the same situation please let me know.

fourmaggie

i got "shares" in the energy bunny....teehee *just saying*

SoaringSpirits

I'm finding that sex/intimacy is a huge piece of what's rotten with my alcoholic. It's like it's all woven together in a big mess.

Recently I asked my AH (we are separated) to help me with one small chore at our house. He came and begrudgingly did the task. Last time ever! Afterward, he told me "this no sex thing is getting really old" (we have not been intimate since separating last year). I told him "when you chose Lady Vodka over your wife and children, you also chose her to be your sex partner. You and I are not having sex anymore, sorry."

My AH was thoughtful about this, and replied: "I used to not mind doing chores around here so much, because, you know, I knew I could look forward to the evening, when there would be this reward. You know, we'd have sex." (This is the part where I nearly vomited into my own mouth) "Sex," he continued, "was kind of like my 'payment' for a job well done." He looked pleased with himself for connecting all this!

I could not believe his logic. It made me feel like a prostitute. And it was in that moment that I knew my marriage was really, truly, absolutely done forever.

kieren

Sex at my place (intamacy never is there) is pretty non exsistant. Maybe once every 6 weeks, and then it is usually in the morning, cause he is too drunk of a night time. The more he drinks the less I make myself available. In fact I pretty much stopped every single advance 5 years ago when he told me that me making advances was me being a s**t and grossed him out. So now it only happens when he wants it and when i cant get out of it, ie pretend to be asleep, have headache, back ache etc. He is so obese it is not good anyway cause 2 mins in he is huffing and puffing all over the place and well its just YUCH really!

I too have shares in energiser......

blwninthewind

I have found that in my relationship when he was actively drinking it was more of me wondering what I did/didn't do that kept him from desiring me. But when we did have intimate relations it was good for both of us. I often joke that even when we have nothing else going for us on the relationship front..at least we still have good sex. LOL

Now that he's in recovery...I am very distant. I don't feel the same. I don't want for our sex life to be the best thing we have together... I think I deserve more. I deserve a present partner that isn't a complete pri#% the rest of the time. This naturally affects my desire, or lack there of.
Not to mention since things are not going well...he is suddenly all over me all the time...I think it's a way to 'reconnect' and trying to fix things...but it doesn't. I can't really explain it but can say that its really hard to be with someone in that way that you can't trust or depend on whether they are sober or not. Even in recovery there are many ways I can't trust my spouse..and it affects EVERY aspect of our relationship/family...so this is just a piece of the fact that this relationship isn't working for me anymore.

Florence

My RAH is five months sober after a year on and off the wagon. When we got together seven years ago we had a great sex life. In the last couple of years, as the alcoholism progressed, and then as he got sober, it dropped off considerably. We're at about every six weeks or so, give or take a week, and it's not super when we do get intimate.

I still have a lot of resentment about what he put us through, and anger is not not compatible with sexytimes. It's not anger, necessarily, maybe just that I'm more cold to him. Meanwhile, he's acclimating to mood stabilizing medications and figuring out how to live without booze. The alcoholic chaos really killed the romance, and my therapist says it's going to take a lot of work for both of us to revive it. He has to take the reins and realize that my intimacy needs not getting met is a dealbreaker. And I have to let him try and be receptive instead of letting my resentments, and my inability to communicate my needs directly, be a barrier to intimacy.

I'm lucky that my RAH is trying -- and mostly succeeding -- at sobriety and rebuilding his life without booze. If your RAH is open and you are too, my therapist recommended the "Love Languages" series by Gary Chapman. I ordered the "5 Love Languages" book and the one "for men" so we can have something to start the dialogue. There is also another one of this guy's books -- I can't use google-fu at work for it -- something like "hope for broken marriage" that she recommended for us after all the chaos.

Maybe it's worth a try?

ODAT63

It did not get better for me, after a few couple of years he started to blame that I did not have "boobs" large enough so I got implants, then that I was not too athletic so I enjoyed a gym and started to work out, after 15 years of marriage and very little "sex" (there was never other kind of intimacy) that I have to always start (no foreplay on his part), he told me that it was because every time he wanted it I was on my period, so got an ablation, that was the last excuse he can use to blame "me" so 8 months later he left and we got divorce. All that time I felt I was ugly and unwanted, I am petite and pretty, but I felt I was so undesirable. I have been thinking he is dating this younger girlfriend now and having great sex but reading this post is giving a smile back, it was not me, it was HIM all this time, well I am feeling sorry for "wife" to be #4, but I have compassion too. Thank thank you thank you for this post.

DMC

Anvil is absolutely right (as usual.)

When my XAH was on-and-off the wagon, I dreaded sex more and more and generally avoided him. One evening, when he was sober, I brought it up and formally declared a moratorium on sex until he got himself figured out. We were on the verge of separating anyway, and while I'm sure he wasn't pleased, I figured it was well within my rights to say NO MORE. No more stinky beer breath or stale cigarettes or the odor of day-old booze oozing from his pores. It was a huge relief.

I felt a little like the UN declaring sanctions on a rogue nation, but negotiating with an alcoholic is sort of like negotiating with North Korea. I also had a great deal of power in the relationship, and he was never abusive towards me.

Oh, and I love the Love Languages book...and I think it would have worked had there not been his mistress (beer) in the picture.

Florence

Word. NO is a right, just as YES is a right.

Enthusiastic consent is a goal. We can't settle for sadness, submission, and coercion.

autumn1554

kbw2520000 - I am in a similar situation. My husband is 1.5 mo into his sobriety. His mood and our intamacy can defiantly be erratic. Lately he's been on an accusation kick. Accusing me of cheating on him, of not loving him, of being mad at him, (none of which is true.) He calls me the love of his life, but sometimes he seems to think I don't love him - he said this a lot when he was drinking too. I don't think that after X amount of years of drinking etc. in order to deal with all aspects of life they are any more "emotionally strong or experienced". A near death experience, jail time are life changing events for sure. I haven't lived anyone else's life but my own, so I can't speak for anyone about how much personal growth and learning they have taken from their own experiences. To me it's how you respond to adversity and setbacks that shows how emotionally strong and mature you really are. Life isn't easy for anyone.

I try to remind myself of the larger picture and not make any snap reactions to a bad feeling - what matters most to me is a happy marriage together, his continued sobriety (they are linked), and hopefully a true peace within himself (this is all up to him though). I try to not take things personally, though it is very difficult at times. I know I can't imagine what he's going through on the inside, and all I can do is remind him that I love him and try to be as supportive as possible. I try to remind myself I can only do what I can do. Then I try to get my mind off of it and go and do something enjoyable just for me.

Best of luck to you, you're not alone in this.
I try to remind myself that I need to stay strong for myself

Carol Star

I just wouldn't have any expectations for awhile- and Alanon would really help you......