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wanttobehealthy 02-02-2012 08:26 AM

I'm a mess
So I have gone months feeling really good, not being phased by AH or his family for the most part and not reacting etc...

For the past week I feel like I am on a spiral downward and today am really, really struggling.

I have talked to my sponsor but it isn't helping.

I attempted to talk to xAH about his mother's rude email to me. And I was told that she has every right to express how she feels and he supports her and blah blah blah.

Right now I can't find a way (and really want to) to let go of the following:

- All I wanted during our marriage was for him to respect our marriage enough to not allow his family to be horrible to me and he never, ever said a peep to them. They were allowed to do and say anything and my options were a) ignore it or b) react and then have them and AH all over me.

- To be allowed to express how I felt and have it not be fodder for verbal abuse from AH. I could NEVER express hurt without it turning into AH being awful to me, telling me I had no right to feel as I did etc...

So, to have once again his mother being nasty to me and to hear AH say all the things in support of her out of line behavior that I JUST ONCE wanted to hear from him about my legit hurt during our marriage is just kind of eating away at me.

It just hurts. I wish it didn't. I wish I had said nothing to him bc it hurts a million times more now.

I don't know what I am looking for but I needed to get it out bc I am struggling to not burst into tears at work right now.

I know it was insane of me to interact with him about it. I know.


cymbal 02-02-2012 08:34 AM

Its okay to have a bad day.
I have them often enough.

You have come so far already.
I'm proud of you!!
((((cyber hugs)))))

1 minute at a time.
This too shall pass.

skippernlilg 02-02-2012 08:58 AM


I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I'm not sure what has happened to put them front and center in your consciousness like this, but I do know that you are allowed to feel through your feelings and at the same time remember that emotions are not facts.

We cannot control the actions of others, as much as they probably need it!! We don't get to say what they do/do not need either, much to my chagrin.

We can't tell other people how to treat us. We can express our thoughts, feelings, and then we can make decisions to be around "healthy" for ourselves. If someone's words or actions are hurting you, and they have blatantly ignored your feelings, then they do not have the privilege of being a part of your radar. If you have some ancillary relationship with them because of the children, really think about how much of their actions really affect your children and what decisions you can make for your family's good health.

You don't have to issue demands or ultimatums or anything. But really think about how you can create that safe and happy environment you have the ability and the desire to create.

Note: I wonder, sometimes, how, when/if RABF returns from out of state, I will interact with his mother. She's treated us horribly, and I've decided, that for TODAY, I will treat them with love. From afar. But Love, all the same. That's my decision for today. Trying not to look ahead too far.

I hope this helps. Whatever doesn't help, you get to put me on 'ignore' too. ;)

Tuffgirl 02-02-2012 09:56 AM

You just described my "marriage" and I don't know about you - but I am DONE. Fried, crispy with it all. It's disrespect, baby. And unacceptable behavior is just plain old unacceptable.

Onward and upward for me. I refuse to waste one more day on someone who disrespects me. Because how can I be married to someone I don't respect because he is so disrespectful to me? Impossible.

Your husband has been controlling your behavior all this time. This is another manipulation, can you see that? He's controlling you into behavior he deems acceptable by doing the very things that get you the most. Take your power back.

I may be a sucker or an eternal optimist, but I believe that even at the ripe old age of 40, there IS a man out there who will actually love me and let me be me all at the same time. And now, I am going to open myself up to the opportunity to meet that man someday.

Until then, I am happily on my own.

P.S. Could it be that you are struggling not because of what is happening to you, but because you know, deep down inside, that this is never going to be ok with you and the person with the choices to make is you? I only ask because it took me a looooong time to come to that conclusion myself.

SoaringSpirits 02-02-2012 10:11 AM

The other day I was thinking about my life and my separation from my AH and how during the first 6 months of separation, I was such a mess. Cried every day. Felt so depressed. Then gradually things got better and I felt like a whole person again (most days). On occasion now, something happens and I find myself really sad again.

I was thinking about how this all feels like I am standing on the beach at the ocean. Months ago, I was standing at the surf line with violent waves that kept crashing on and around me. I could barely keep to my feet. Then over time, the waves calmed down and became smaller and gentler. Yesterday, I had such a sad day, all the emotion of the loss of my marriage hit me hard again. I imagined myself standing on the beach, being hit with a 'sleeper' wave! I think this is part of the process, we withstand the surf and the waves diminish, but on occasion we still have to deal with the occasional rogue wave that stresses us and tries to knock us down. But in between is a great view, fresh ocean air, all that. I hope this image helps you --- it helped me to some degree.

blwninthewind 02-02-2012 10:27 AM

I am with anvil!

You seriously expect your A to back YOU up against his mother...
that ain't gonna happen.
You, my friend are in the plumbing dept looking for that fresh baked bread!
been there, done that...

You don't have to listen. As anvil said. You can choose not to read emails, delete them. You can choose to not answer the phone. Delete the messages. You can CHOOSE a better way.
You know she's nuts, she has an alcoholic for a child....just like the rest of us...she is sick too. Feel compassion for her but don't accept her blame.
Just roll on and live your life.
You deserve it.
Keep coming back!

lillamy 02-02-2012 10:45 AM

It has to be enough that you know.
You know what happened during your marriage. You know the truth.
Anvil is right. You won't get him, or his family, to acknowledge that.
It will never happen.

I spent a lot of time trying to convince my AXH about the error of his ways and how his actions had hurt me and the children. None of it got through. None of it. He said he was sorry -- but it was "I'm sorry will you come back now?"... The only thing he was sorry about was the consequences his own actions had led to.

He needs the reality he has created to continue drinking. If he listened, or if his family listened, and really understood you, they would have to do things differently. And they don't want to.

So stop wasting your time on trying to get them to see your point of view. Alcoholics perfect the victim role. They don't want to share it.

m1k3 02-02-2012 11:58 AM

WTBH, sorry this is happening and ((((hugs))))

I am reading an interesting book called f**k it. It is about how liberating it is to just saying eff it to some situations. Let go and let god was a little passive for me.

However, saying "I don't have time for this stuff man so just eff it" really worked. Of course I wasn't quite that polite. :)

To me it was and is a way to let go and take control all at the same time. It's my way of saying to the universe that this isn't worth dealing with any more and I'm not going to.

Even if this doesn't help hopefully it put a small smile on your face.

Your friend,

theuncertainty 02-02-2012 12:09 PM

Hugs, WTBH.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this so right now. I can tell you that in my experience, it is just right now. Later you won't struggle with it as much. I'm not sure it's that I truly accept I won't get the acknowledgement from XAH; or if it gets easier to ignore; or if it's just that other things in my life slowly start to get more of my focus and pushes that, not only to the back burner, but off the stove completely for a while. That analogy doesn't really fit... hmmm.

I do know that when I started trying to heal from the abuse and SA in our marriage, I was incredibly hurt (understatement) and I needed, I CRAVED, an acknowledgement, at least, from XAH that what he did was wrong and hurtful. And I wanted that acknowledgement to come without his usual blameshifting: "I'm sorry I did xxx, but you shouldn't have yyy."

Both Anvil and Lillamy make excellent points that I could not have heard while I was in the middle of that need for acknowledgement. It will never, never, never-ever come from XAH. It has to be enough that I know it was wrong. Because I do know it was wrong of him to do what he did. I do not, and never did, deserve to be treated they way he did. And neither do you.

I think the hardest part for me has been related to my feelings. First even knowing what I was feeling. For so long it was based on what he was feeling, how much he'd drank. Some days I still don't know what to name my emotions. And then accepting that however I was feeling was OK. That emotions are neither good, nor bad.

It's hard, so hard some days, and that is OK, too. There are days where I want rail at the Universe, to scream off the Point into the wind. And there are days where my core being is quiet and I can accept that the acknowledgement/apology/amends will never come from XAH. *shrug*

You'll feel better. Just breathe for now and KNOW that you do not deserve to be treated the way he and his family treat you.

wanttobehealthy 02-02-2012 12:22 PM

I thought that once I stopped caring/interacting with my inlaws they would leave me the f*** alone. I've never done a thing to them and it always bothered me that after every visit there was inevitably a phone call from MIL or SIL to AH telling him what I'd done that hurt them and it turned into a fight. Usually it ended with me apologizing for something I hadn't done just to get it to stop. Once I stopped owning behavior that was fabricated, it got so much worse. So, I really thought that I was finally free of being hurt by them and after I stupidly read MIL's email last week, it all came flooding back. Then I approached AH about it and it's just like old times right now-- I am physically sick (anxiety, frustration, sadness) and just getting bombarded with messages about how wrong I am. I can't block AH's email bc we communicate that way mostly about the girls (bc I prefer it to trying to talk to him). I know I can delete without reading and will from now on the instant I realize it's not about the girls.

I got sucked in to the madness and it feels horrible. I shouldn't care about any of it, or what they think of me or the accusations that get thrown around.... but for the past few days I have.

I don't want credit for trying to be the bigger person, I just don't want to be blasted by them when I am doing everything I can to keep my distance.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I need to have a good cry tonight I think and just get it out (sometimes trying to fight it and hold it in winds up being worse than letting myself melt down after the girls are asleep of course).

Mike, I totally need to look up that book. I could use a dose of that mentality right now!

Tomorrow will be a better day.

wicked 02-02-2012 12:39 PM

I have talked to my sponsor but it isn't helping.
WTBH, can you remember what you were thinking between the sponsor didn't help I will try again to get my ex husband to validate my hurt feelings about his mother? (even though up to now, this has NEVER happened).

I attempted to talk to xAH about his mother's rude email to me. And I was told that she has every right to express how she feels and he supports her and blah blah blah.
He probably could not wait to call mama and tell her how brave her little boy was against the evil WTBH. I had close to the same dynamic in my last marriage. At first his mom loved me (taking that mess off her hands and out of her pocketbook) then, when the drugs came in especially crack, well, all bets were off. I became the evil woman who wanted to follow the schedule from the court. I wanted the child support to come on time. I wanted him to show up when he should. She started to back up his side. I moved way back and stopped talking. I was not gonna win against mom and son.
It is no win. No way.
When the smoke cleared, we talked it over, me and mom. She apologized for coming down so hard, she was sad for losing me, and angry at her son for ruining his life.
I told her I loved her and I hoped she would continue to spend her love on my children.
she did not have to love me, but she did anyway, and I appreciate that.


wanttobehealthy 02-02-2012 12:42 PM

You are absolutely right Anvil... I naively thought that the cause of them being awful for so long was bc I tried to engage regularly. I thought a) AH is gone b) I have no contact with the in laws so I am home free and don't have to worry about them ever contacting me again.

Clearly totally insane/naive on my part. So, MIL's email last week threw me and I have found myself reacting as I always did.

Now it is clear that nothing I do or don't do will stop his family (apparantly for the rest of my life?) from casting blame at me at any old time. I have his family's emails blocked so that's a non issue now. I just got sucked into caring what AH thought and wishing he'd tell his family to lay off and obviously that was really a ridiculous thing to think he'd ever do.

Thanks to everyone for the perspective and experiences and wisdom. I do already feel better. Thank you!

skippernlilg 02-02-2012 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by anvilhead (Post 3266362)
to use mike's suggestion: F*CK THEM and the horse they road in on! thhhppppppp! :c031:

That poor horse did not ask for any of this!! ;)

lillamy 02-02-2012 02:41 PM

You can't block your AH's e-mail (I have the same issue as you do with the kids), but you can block your MIL's. You have no reason to interact with her.

What has helped me a lot is typing up e-mails as if I used e-mail like my mom does, for conveying important information only. You'd think she's military the way her e-mails only focus on the necessary. That's how I write AXH now:

"I'm not able to take the kids that weekend.
DD has a dentist appointment on Monday at 2."


It helps to set the tone that way, I've found with my AXH.

PaperDolls 02-02-2012 02:49 PM

Although time seems to fly, it never travels faster than one day at a time. Each day is a new opportunity to live your life to the fullest. In each waking day, you will find scores of blessings and opportunities for positive change. Do not let your TODAY be stolen by the unchangeable past or the indefinite future! Today is a new day!
~Steve Maraboli

artygirl 02-02-2012 04:33 PM

There will be a time sweetie when your MIL will have other fish to fry and leave you alone. I am not sure how long you and you ExAH have been apart but it doesn't seem like it has been that long.

Time is on your side and I am told by a wonderful woman in my Al Anon group that you can choose to begin your day over again at any time. You can begin it again now and tomorrow is another day altogether.

I know how important it us to "re-write history" but I personally have never been able to do so. I also know how hard it is to delete an e-mail before I read it even though it would be a good idea. Us Al Anons find it difficult to do that. Healing takes time and you will heal as we all hopefully will.

I am hurting too and some days are better than others. The holidays were particularly tough.


FindingJoy 02-02-2012 05:01 PM

"I spent a lot of time trying to convince my AXH about the error of his ways and how his actions had hurt me and the children. None of it got through. None of it. He said he was sorry -- but it was "I'm sorry will you come back now?"... The only thing he was sorry about was the consequences his own actions had led to."

@lillamy. The point you made above is so strong. They are only sorry about the consequences and that they can't get what they want right now.

My therapist says ignore the tears from an addict as they are crying out of sorrow for getting caught, not getting what they want, and out of manipulation for us Codie's to feel "bad" about.

Thank you for making this point a very good reminder.

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