Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

Parents of Alcoholics - What Did You Do To Stop Worry & Emotional Pain?

Blogs


Notices

Parents of Alcoholics - What Did You Do To Stop Worry & Emotional Pain?

Old 02-01-2012, 06:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,071
Parents of Alcoholics - What Did You Do To Stop Worry & Emotional Pain?

I have read program literature - I go to meetings - I have a sponsor. I am wondering what parents or grandparents have found to be effective in stopping the worrying and emotional pain that goes along with this "disease."

I saw my grandson today and he said a lot of things that caused me to worry . . . I know worry is futile, so before someone writes that - it is not a conscious thing . . .it's a visceral, body response.

Please share anything that has worked for you to have serenity when one of your children or grandchildren is "in danger."
seek is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seek For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 09:39 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,667
Maybe he was saying whatever he said that made you worry, just to get a reaction, JMHO.
choublak is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to choublak For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 10:55 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Blog Entries: 3
I pray and trust in a higher power to help me find calm in the midst of the storm.

I do anything that stops the cycling in my head. Turn up the music, dance around, ride my bike, go for a walk/hike, cook, clean, read. I stay busy, do whatever it takes, then rinse and repeat if needed.
Chino is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Chino For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 12:39 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 13
Seek, I wish I had something profound to say, but I am in the same boat as you. My son is alcohalic and the worry never ends. But I do agree with Chino--Pray and stay busy!! Just take it one day at a time. BIG HUGS to you

RU
RUKIDDINGME is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to RUKIDDINGME For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 12:55 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I accepted the truth-that it was overwhelmingly likely to end badly for him and I couldn't alter that in the least measure. I did continue to hope he'd go to prison for a non-capital offense.

Ironically, after 10 years sober in AA he's now an appellate lawyer specializing in death penalty cases.
langkah is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to langkah For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012), lillamy (02-06-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 01:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
My son is a heroin addict. I live with the very real possibility that he could someday die of an overdose. One thing I do is remember that we are all (eternal) spiritual beings having a (temporary) human experience.

There is a saying: In the end everything will be OK. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

It's simple and it helps me.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012), lillamy (02-06-2012), seekingcalm (02-04-2012), theuncertainty (02-02-2012), wicked (02-02-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 02:33 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,071
Thank you everyone.

It all comes down to faith and trust - I have hardly any, apparently.

In the end I don't believe that God "cares" for me (i.e., ". . .the care of God, as I understand God) - and I don't understand God at all - so I am stumped on Step Three.

I was talking to someone today and they said God had a "plan" for my grandson - and I thought about all of the alcoholics who wreak havoc and get sick and die and wondered about God's plan for them - then wondered about God's plan for me - is it his plan that I am worried sick and have this new problem that is ruining my life? If so, then where does the "care" come in?

I am in a bad space as you can see. It's just that this is the most important thing in my life - that my grandson be healthy and happy and I am powerless over that and it is so sad - and there is nothing else in my life that matters as much to me, sadly . . . I feel very despondent at the moment and need a miracle for myself.
seek is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seek For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 03:21 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,071
I understand. I actually agree with you. It is just that nothing else is important to me. What can be done about that?
seek is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seek For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 03:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,667
Originally Posted by seek View Post
I understand. I actually agree with you. It is just that nothing else is important to me. What can be done about that?
Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't sound much different from an addict talking about their DOC.

I think this is the part where recovery must come from within you.
choublak is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to choublak For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 04:14 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by seek View Post
I understand. I actually agree with you. It is just that nothing else is important to me. What can be done about that?
What can be done about that is discovering that YOU are important. That your life means something, something profound, that is unique and separate from any other person's life, including your grandson's. It's finding that spark that lives in you, and you alone, that makes you want to grab life with both hands and live it to the fullest.

How you do that is a very individual process. Some find their way through Alanon, some through their faith, some through therapy or counseling. For me personally, I was extremely blessed to have found a very wise therapist with decades of experience in codependence and addiction. I don't think it was a coincidence that she happened to be the only counselor on my EAP Plan that was available at the time. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

I cannot tell you how to find your way, but I do know that depending on someone else for happiness is a recipe for disaster. One of my favorite quotes on this comes from "The Road Less Traveled."
allowing yourself to be dependent on another person is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself. You would be better off being dependent on herion. As long as you have a supply of it, heroin will never let you down; if it's there, it will always make you happy. But if you expect another person to make you happy, you'll be endlessly disappointed.
My therapist once told me I needed to find a new project (something besides trying to get my AH sober). Maybe it's time you found a new project.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
choublak (02-02-2012), cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 04:19 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by seek View Post
I understand. I actually agree with you. It is just that nothing else is important to me. What can be done about that?
It's a choice. If you want to change that, change your choice.
Chino is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Chino For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 07:07 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 10
You can be important and it is normal human nature to worry with fear for the well being of a child or grand child. Most parents and grand parents would give their lives for their children and grand children. Yes we must take care of our selves, but that does not mean that the worry and fear of losing a loved one ever goes away.
thewaywewere is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to thewaywewere For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012), seek (02-02-2012), wicked (02-02-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 07:37 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,071
Like I said, there is no "project" that could ever be as important to me as my grandson. And yes, I understand that is a recipe for disaster, especially under the circumstances.

Funny that "Road Less Traveled" was quoted. I am not a dumb person and have read that and many other books. When I read a passage like the one quoted, I don't disagree at all - it is not a problem of logic or intellect, it is a problem of the heart and soul.

If my higher power has deemed that this is a path I must walk, then there is little I can do - I do "try" to the best of my ability to not care as much as I do - to distract myself from my worries and fears. I KNOW worrying does not help. I KNOW it is not beneficial to my life to be so obsessed with him and his choices - I KNOW I am ultimately powerless over him and his life - it's just really, really hard not to care.

I have a daughter who is alcoholic and I have totally let go of her - she is an adult - she has life skills. She knows what to do if she wants to do it.

My grandson is at a precipice where he can go either way and it would be devastating if he doesn't choose recovery. I don't know anyone in my family who could be happy about that. Many people have said this is "ruining their life." It's not a choice when you love someone and had no idea they had a problem and it turns out to be a very serious problem.

I imagine other people have lots of different kinds of heartache caused by other circumstances - accidents, illness, etc. Not disputing that. Parents and grandparents grieve and hurt when their children and grandchildren are in danger or are making choices that will not result in happiness.

To pretend that everything is just hunky-dory is absurd. My life has been changed and I can only pray I will be able to "recover" in the sense that it won't kill me or make me wish I were dead.

I am working with a sponsor so I am open to changing my perspectives. I hear things in meetings that resonate, but when I get home, I am alone and start thinking . . .I can't seem to help it. Yes, it is like a drug but there is no euphoria associated with it.

If you had a kid and you took the kid to the doctor and the doctor told you the kid has a very serious disease and they had to stop doing "x" and you had no control over whether or not they would stop doing "x," it might make you a little crazy too. You would want to convince them, for their health not to do "x."

I must be missing something very basic about the process.

I don't think it is at all like living with a partner who is alcoholic (I have that experience and for me, there was none of the emotion or worrying or fear - it was completely different - more of an annoyance in how it impacted me - nothing like the primal feelings of protection I have for my grandson.
seek is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seek For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 08:43 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It's not about ceasing to care, or pretending everything is fine, or making the pain "go away." It's about accepting what is and continuing to live your life anyway. It's about learning where you end and another begins.

It's quite possible that he could make choices that wreck his life. But, it's entirely up to you if you let those choices wreck yours.

I understand that you may not find much credibility in my words because I only married an alcoholic. I was married to him for twenty years and my entire life once revolved around him. It's true that I do not know the pain of having an addicted child, at least not so far. And I hope I never know what it's like to be in your shoes. I do know what it's like to lose myself to someone else's addiction, though. I found my way back and I believe you can, too.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (02-03-2012), Chino (02-02-2012), cymbal (02-04-2012), tjp613 (02-03-2012), wicked (02-02-2012)
Old 02-02-2012, 09:12 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Blog Entries: 1
Like I said, there is no "project" that could ever be as important to me as my grandson
And for me, I have two grown (just barely) children who are addicted. I have noticed when they become more important than me, I stop taking care of myself. I have a major depressive disorder, enough so I cannot work, but I have found I do need a "project" of sorts to keep them on the outer reaches of my Life.
Right now, I am thinking and working on getting my finances in order.
Wow! Before I started reading about improving my credit, I had no idea about what I could do for my credit. I learned so much, has saved me money, and I wasn't in a misery about something I had no control over.

My next project is planning to save enough to move south of Michigan. I want some warm weather.

You can pray for your grandson, but you can only make a project out of yourself.
something only you can do for yourself.

Beth

It works for me.
wicked is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wicked For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012), tjp613 (02-03-2012)
Old 02-03-2012, 04:42 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,613
Blog Entries: 8
((Seek)) I'm sorry you are struggling.

That's an interesting question that I've never actually asked my husband. You see, the person who sent me searching one night when I found this forum was my stepson.

I love my stepson, but that bond is no where near as strong as it is for his father. We both pray a lot....every morning and evening letting "Jr." and his life be in the control of Jr. and his HP.

It helps, too, that he is not a daily part of our lives. He is an adult, leads his own life, and he now lives in another town in this state. So, we have sporadic contact, but at least we know he is still alive.

If we had to have a front seat to all his daily addiction drama, I don't think it would be as easy. But my experience is that it does get easier with time as you enforce your own boundaries and detach with love.

Many hugs and prayers for you and yours, HG
Seren is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012), seek (02-03-2012), tjp613 (02-03-2012)
Old 02-03-2012, 10:56 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,071
I only recently found out my daughter was alcoholic. I thought she was just immature, mean, selfish, and maybe narcissitic. I have no other grandkids and was surrogate mom to this grandkid.

The family is not doing well, as a unit. His mom is not speaking to one of his aunts and it is causing a chasm in the family. There is one other unit (his aunt and uncle) who are very stable and helpful, but for the most part, it feels dysfunctional and unhealthy.

I just never knew this was even a possibility. And the thinking that goes along with it is mind-boggling. He is young, so his thinking is immature anyway and then add the alcoholism into the mix and seems kinda crazy.

I am just sick over all of it and can't shake bad feelings. I can't feel God or my higher power working in my life, though I do have many blessings - weird that I just can't appreciate much of anything on a feeling level (intellectually, yes).
seek is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to seek For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-04-2012)
Old 02-04-2012, 12:30 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
My mom is a worrier. (I kind of enjoyed getting a reaction occasionally. Maybe your gs does too?)

I learned how to be a worrier.

I decided that worrying was no longer working for me. It makes me feel worse. It feels natural because its what I knew.

Step 2 says I turn my life and will over to the care of God, as I understand him.

What I hear you saying is I will worry because its what I do? I get that.
What the others are saying is to try something different? I get that too.

I'm saying there is always an option to try something new. I did. Others did.
You can too. Or not. Its trying so no biggie if its not done "right" the first time. New things take practice. It feels foreign.

I found the visual of placing my loved one into hp's hands helpful when my mind would turn to worrying. Like the sweet bible verse: Phil. 4:6,7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

Please take what you like and leave the rest!
Thank you for letting me share!
cymbal is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to cymbal For This Useful Post:
seek (02-05-2012)
Old 02-05-2012, 02:00 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Seek..my AH's parents don't deal with his alcoholism at all.
My MIL buries her head up ass and pretends its not happening.
She is a very selfish woman who mostly wonders how all of it affects her - KWIM?
We have 2 boys and they never say anything to her about that goes on in our house.
Myself and AH seperated before christmas and MIL doesn't even ask me how I am doing although she is very supportive in the practical things like taking care of the boys.
Ignorance is bliss to her i guess.
Sorry I have no advice for you, just another prespective
Milly39 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Milly39 For This Useful Post:
cymbal (02-06-2012)
Old 02-06-2012, 12:56 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Seek,
I want to apologize for putting a 2 instead of a 3 on the step in my post.
Trying to practice step 10 by admitting I'm wrong?
Lol! I hope I got that number right!

Thank you for all your questions!!!
Thank you for letting me share.

Oh, I didn't mean to come across as preachy either its just those two verses help me so much.

((hugs))
cymbal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:58 PM.