JudyS

Hi,

My sister will be returning from Crossroads Centre in Antigua this coming Friday. She has been there for a month. I sent off a card to her about midway through her stay.

One of my other sisters did not write her while she was in rehab and I'm not sure about my other sister or brother.

Anyway, my A.sister only gets one 10 minute phone call per week, which she uses to talk with her husband. My mom gets updates from him.

This evening I got a call from the sister that hadn't corresponded with my A.sister informing me that my mom said that the A. sister feels her family doesn't support her because she didn't get any or enough mail while in rehab.

I'm really confused. Should we have been writing more frequently? What is or was our obligation to her? We all love her and pray for her and were relieved and proud of her for getting to the point where she realized she needed help. I was the only blood relative that she told about her alcoholism at the end of Sept. I was sworn to secrecy. I didn't approve, but didn't tell anyone else. She ended up telling my parents and other siblings one morning when she was plastered and figured out that she needed residential rehab. She had to tell them then, because she would be out of the country for a month. So the rest of my family really only knew a few days before she left.

Got any advise? I learend very quickly since the end of Sept. that I couldn't/shouldn't let her situation stress me out. It is her problem, not mine. I love her, will listen to her.........but other than that, what is my obligation?

Thanks!
Judy

Morning Glory

Hi Judy,

Welcome to the forum. You don't have an obligation. It's up to you. You can set the boundaries you are comfortable with. My daughter gets so upset by her brother that she just tells him through me that she loves him and can't have contact with him. It causes too much stress in her life. I on the other hand have different boundaries with my son. I talk to him weekly and ask him not to unload his problems on me. That is my boundary. It's up to you and you can change your mind too if you want to.

We have many good posts in the power posts at the top if the nar-anon and al-anon boards here. Take a look around and do a little reading.

Hugs,
MG

12stepmarce

She's just sharing how she feels. That's better than drinking the problem away......

smoke gets in my eyes

Boy, sometimes it's all in the asking isn't it? If she had said, through mom, "boy I'm lonely, I sure would appreciate some letters from you guys." you wouldn't be here asking about obligations. You'd have probably tossed off a note with a cute card right away. You're not obligated. But if you think you'd like to, you could pretend she asked in the inviting way above instead of the very dysfunctional and manipulative way that really happened. If she's only been in recovery since September she's probably not acing any etiquette exams right now. But neither is your mom. Is mom going to alanon? Are you? Maybe check it out?

Welcome!!!
Smoke

JudyS

Hi,

Thank you all for the posts! I just woke up after not sleeping well, so bear with me if I don't make a lot of sense...I'm just on my first cup of coffee! ;->

Here's a brief history since her (Trace) coming out of the closet on Sept. 30th:
Totally in denial at that time.
Oct. 4th -Talked her into detox only minutes from my house just one week later. (BTW - she lives 5 hours from me; we talk on the phone all the time, but don't see each other often)
She checked herself out of detox after only 32 hours...she felt she didn't belong there and could do it on her own.
Stayed sober for only a week or two, no one knows for sure.

Mid-Oct - Got back on the wagon for another week or so.

Early Nov - I figured she was slipping again, but not living there, I don't know for sure.

Nov. 12th - Day she announced she couldn't do it herself; told my parents; had to be persuaded to tell my siblings. Said she would go to the Crossroads Centre . Left Sunday the 16th.

She didn't say she wanted any correspondence before she left. Her best friend drove her to the airport, which was a 5 hour drive in the opposite direction of my location. I asked that she call me on her cell when they got on the road and she had time to talk. She never called. I figured she didn't feel like talking, which was ok with me. Sometimes quiet thinking goes much farther than chatting.

I'm the only one that I am aware of that got onto the computer to check out Alanon. I've been reading and forwarded a few little gems to my mom off and on. Her husband isn't seeking help. He is very manipulative. He feels guilt and is trying to lay it onto my family. My mom isn't getting help either. She's already acused me of being negative about her situation. On the contrary - I am being realistic.

To let go and let Trace deal with this on her own is very difficult. It feels so cold, but I know it is right. I am/used to be "the fixer". All my siblings call me about their problems. In our family, my parents are in their mid-seventies, the first 3 kids are from 48-53, then Trace (the A) and another sister are 33 & 35. Big gap. Trace is the baby. My mom thinks the world revolves around her. Understandable - it was her last child who has always been mentally needy.

Last January, I took a nasty fall, broke my neck, smashed a disc, had emergency surgery to replace the disc with donor bone, plate C4-C5. I have been recovering at a tremendous rate which totally surprised the doctors. (Even though I'm 51 - I was competitvely athletic). Anyway, if it weren't for this accident, I never would have this handy barometer - my neck- as to how I'm handling stress, or what stress actually does to my body. In retrospect, I wonder if God allowed this to happen so I'd avoid a heart attack or who knows what. I am so grateful, even though most others see my accident as something "bad". It's been a real eye-opener for me. This, together with Alanon, has chilled me out; taught me to take care of myself first; taught me to stop being the "fixer"; and on and on.

After I went to bed (after my first post), I realized I could've shortened the whole post up by simply asking "what is our role in Trace's recovery?".

Another question that is not related:
Tracy plans on coming to our family gathering (huge) on Christmas Eve. Of course there is alcohol there. Isn't this a bad situation seeing as she just got out of rehab? I thought it was like playing with fire.

Thanks for listening!
Judy

osier59

HI Judy
Welcome to the forum. We talk about the 3 c's here
You didnt cause it
you cant control it and
you cant cure it.

Your sister's recovery is her business. If she paid attention in treatment, they would have shared various ways to handle situations where alcohol is being served. It's up to HER to figure out what she's going to do, not all of you. If she asks for your help or support, then give it - IF it works for you.

As for your role in her recovery? Love and more love. Thats about it. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, learn more about the disease. Learn about setting and maintaining boundaries. And find an al anon meeting in your area. It saved my LIFE and I am happier now than I ever thought possible.

HUGS and love
Barb

Cap3

Hey Judy,alcoholism,the "family" disease.The alcoholic acts out,,and the family reactes to it all.From the Big Book of alcoholics,anonymous,selfishness,self-centredness,driven by a hundred forms of fear,self-delusion,self-seeking,and self-pity.,is the alcoholic.Self-will run riot.Was sure my problem,being an alcoholic myself,.It was all about....me..me..me,me,me.Until i came to recovery.Until i leanred ,how selffish,self-centred,i really was.I didnt see this before.I thought the world revoled around me,and all that i was doing.,because this was only as far as i looked.And felt crushed,when others didnt get totally involved with all that im doing.I felt abandoned,,by family.But that wasnt the case at all.This was my sick thinking.The other family member,,have lives of their own,too.They, supported me.But because they werent always calling,,asking how i am,everyday,all the time,i felt this way.As im on da road to recovery,this selfishness,dissappears.Im more into helping other alcoholics,,and i go to al-anon too.My attitude changes,i change.I become "part" of my family life,,no,longer begging for all their attention.That need has left me. .Healing takes time.Time for the alcoholic to change,and family members,to change.Recovery,,all takes time.Judy do whats in your heart to do.You really....know....what to do.That gut feeling.And yea,,if your sisiters anything like i was,before program,,she will haul out all the old guilt upon you,if your not doing what she expects...{i say this with kindness}..You may want to,.stop accepting guilt.Recovery for me,,was and is never what other people are doing.its about..me,again,,but this time its not being selfish.Its,living in the AA program,,and al-anon,,and learning a new way to live.regardlesss,if others notice or not..or even if they are there for me or not.My recovery is about.me..learning.changing.
Thanks for letting me share,,,
God Bless,,take care,,

JudyS

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your helpful comments! You are so so wonderfully reassuring and I'm very grateful for your input and kind words!

I will be back on the forum most likely after Christmas. I'm a musician in a ballet orchestra and this is Nutcracker season, so life is rather hectic for now. I feel like I'm in the orchestra pit more than I'm home.

Have a wonderful holiday and Peace to you all in the New Year and beyond!

Love, Jude