Relationship breakdown and aa!! Long post apologies!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Relationship breakdown and aa!! Long post apologies!!
Hi all,
This is my first post, just looking for some insight really...
So to cut a lonng story short, me and my ex alcholic fiance were together for 5 and a half years, we had bought a house and were to get married...we had our ups and downs(he had been sober 2 years) but were happy....3 days before the wedding he drank...I felt I had no option but to call off the wedding with the intention of postponing to a later date..(my heart broke into a million pieces doing this but I knew that if I married him after this he would walk all over me for the rest of our married life!!)
I was optimistic that we could work through this but he refused and went of the rails completely...we broke up, I moved back home with my parents while he continued to drink and entered into one disasterous relationship after another....
This pattern continued for about 8 months and he would contact me after each failed relationship saying he loved me, wanted me back and was going to kill himself because he had nothing to live for...
I know that during this time I enabled him to a degree because I helped him meet mortgage payments (but only because my name is still on it and didnt want bad credit) and I went to the hospital when he threatened suicide and was an ear for him...but he was the love of my life and I found it difficult to let go....
(typical codependant, i know)
In June he admitted he had a problem and went to AA attending 5/6 meetings a week...we decided to give things another go and took things slowly, just dating at first...we moved back in together after about 6 weeks....But then the after I officially moved back in, had told my parents etc he said he didnt know what he wanted anymore....
I gave him space and moved back out and he broke up with me.....and I havent heard from him bar solicitors letters since....but I know he has been working the steps(he said he had them all done a few weeks after we broke up- which was only 2 months into recovery) and is in a new relationship...
I have been using this time to work on myself, am attending therapy, and doing my best to fill my life...have thought about going to al-anon but wonder if its pointless given that Im no longer in a relationship with my ex...
I guess Im just wondering if the steps can be done this quickly and looking for some insight into whether its easier for an alcoholic to just leave a relationship where there is a lot of history.....and I know this is a selfish one but I am curious if he has completed his 12 steps including 8 and 9 why he hasnt attempted to make any amends with me....
Thanks xxxxx
This is my first post, just looking for some insight really...
So to cut a lonng story short, me and my ex alcholic fiance were together for 5 and a half years, we had bought a house and were to get married...we had our ups and downs(he had been sober 2 years) but were happy....3 days before the wedding he drank...I felt I had no option but to call off the wedding with the intention of postponing to a later date..(my heart broke into a million pieces doing this but I knew that if I married him after this he would walk all over me for the rest of our married life!!)
I was optimistic that we could work through this but he refused and went of the rails completely...we broke up, I moved back home with my parents while he continued to drink and entered into one disasterous relationship after another....
This pattern continued for about 8 months and he would contact me after each failed relationship saying he loved me, wanted me back and was going to kill himself because he had nothing to live for...
I know that during this time I enabled him to a degree because I helped him meet mortgage payments (but only because my name is still on it and didnt want bad credit) and I went to the hospital when he threatened suicide and was an ear for him...but he was the love of my life and I found it difficult to let go....
(typical codependant, i know)In June he admitted he had a problem and went to AA attending 5/6 meetings a week...we decided to give things another go and took things slowly, just dating at first...we moved back in together after about 6 weeks....But then the after I officially moved back in, had told my parents etc he said he didnt know what he wanted anymore....
I gave him space and moved back out and he broke up with me.....and I havent heard from him bar solicitors letters since....but I know he has been working the steps(he said he had them all done a few weeks after we broke up- which was only 2 months into recovery) and is in a new relationship...
I have been using this time to work on myself, am attending therapy, and doing my best to fill my life...have thought about going to al-anon but wonder if its pointless given that Im no longer in a relationship with my ex...
I guess Im just wondering if the steps can be done this quickly and looking for some insight into whether its easier for an alcoholic to just leave a relationship where there is a lot of history.....and I know this is a selfish one but I am curious if he has completed his 12 steps including 8 and 9 why he hasnt attempted to make any amends with me....
Thanks xxxxx
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello AllthatIcanbe, Welcome to SR!
There will be many others who come along and share their experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) with you! You have found a great place for support.
I'm glad that you are taking steps for fill your life in positive ways. Many people here have gained a lot from going to Al-Anon meetings even though their "qualifier" was no longer a daily part of their lives. Perhaps try a few meetings and see what you think.
Hoping for much brighter and peaceful days ahead for you! HG
There will be many others who come along and share their experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) with you! You have found a great place for support.
I'm glad that you are taking steps for fill your life in positive ways. Many people here have gained a lot from going to Al-Anon meetings even though their "qualifier" was no longer a daily part of their lives. Perhaps try a few meetings and see what you think.
Hoping for much brighter and peaceful days ahead for you! HG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Welcome! This place is full of great information and help, keep reading!
In my humble opinion, I really really doubt he could finish all the steps in a few weeks. I just don't think it works that way from what I've learned. From my own experience with my AXH, they tend to want results immediately. My AXH seems to think that even though recovery from alcoholism takes MOST people quite a long time, for HIM it doesn't have to. HA! I know that in his case it's a bunch of BS that he would like to believe. I mean, if think about how long it took to develop this problem, then how long might it take to work through it??? In my AXH's case it's been over 10 years at least, not including all the unresolved childhood issues.
In my humble opinion, I really really doubt he could finish all the steps in a few weeks. I just don't think it works that way from what I've learned. From my own experience with my AXH, they tend to want results immediately. My AXH seems to think that even though recovery from alcoholism takes MOST people quite a long time, for HIM it doesn't have to. HA! I know that in his case it's a bunch of BS that he would like to believe. I mean, if think about how long it took to develop this problem, then how long might it take to work through it??? In my AXH's case it's been over 10 years at least, not including all the unresolved childhood issues.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
In recovery for only two months, finished his steps in a few weeks, and now has a new girlfriend???? Alanon may still be beneficial for you as I will bet you anything you will be hearing from him again, and again, and again. This is far from over (they seem to boomerang back to the familiar) so you need to work on how you will handle the upcoming contacts from him when the new gf doesn't work out.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi All and welcome.
Speaking from experience. My AW and I have be separated for about 10 months now and I have found that my life became much easier when I focused on myself and stopped taking her inventory for her. It really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do because it's none of my business.
Life is much simpler when I focus on my side of the street and take it easy.
Your friend,
Speaking from experience. My AW and I have be separated for about 10 months now and I have found that my life became much easier when I focused on myself and stopped taking her inventory for her. It really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do because it's none of my business.
Life is much simpler when I focus on my side of the street and take it easy.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
I am so sorry your hurt.
I do believe you dodged a bullet. Alanon will help. Keep coming back...
BTW: calling off your wedding 3 days away...that takes courage and bravery that few of us have. You should be proud of yourself for knowing your boundaries AND being able to follow through and do what you know is right.
I do believe you dodged a bullet. Alanon will help. Keep coming back...
BTW: calling off your wedding 3 days away...that takes courage and bravery that few of us have. You should be proud of yourself for knowing your boundaries AND being able to follow through and do what you know is right.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
have thought about going to al-anon but wonder if its pointless given that Im no longer in a relationship with my ex...
I would strongly recommend Al-Anon. Alcoholism affects people long after the drinking, or the drunk, is gone. And besides, I've learned life skills that would have been helpful to me even if I had never come near an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Sorry, but alcoholism is a disease. As AA's Big Book says, "alcohol is but a symptom". It takes years to change and some change isn't possible. When I first entered the doors of AA 20 years ago someone said: "if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief".
But it's his disease and there's nothing you can do about it.
You seem to have put your entire life on hold for someone who hasn't treated you well. He may stay sober, maybe not. I suggest al-anon.
But it's his disease and there's nothing you can do about it.
You seem to have put your entire life on hold for someone who hasn't treated you well. He may stay sober, maybe not. I suggest al-anon.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been attending Al-anon for almost two years, and I was only with my qualifier the first four months.
It continues to help me, and ALL of my relationships....even when there is no struggle with alcohol involved.
It continues to help me, and ALL of my relationships....even when there is no struggle with alcohol involved.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I must say that if he finished all the steps in a few weeks he is a frappin miracle man.
As for the rest of it...he has moved on...and that is what you need to do...he is a user,has nothing to offer you, move forward with your life and don't waste another thought on him, he is not worth your time or effort.
As for the rest of it...he has moved on...and that is what you need to do...he is a user,has nothing to offer you, move forward with your life and don't waste another thought on him, he is not worth your time or effort.
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