No Contact Rule
 

My addict exBF has not contacted me for a week and I have not contacted him. He just emailed me a one line email to please call him when I can. I really believed that he would not contact me. I just need reminding and reinforcement to stick to the no contact rule. I feel that no good will come from it. It seems like even emailing him to say I don't want to talk until he is serious about recovery and maybe not even then. No contact whatsoever is better right? Time to be strong. We already said goodbye and I see more pain coming if I open that door. Just went to my first Al-anon meeting. Success! I might go every day for a little while through this emotional withdrawal/detox period. Thanks to everyone for the push to go to a meeting.

Hold tight...Let go light...

Block his email.

You are correct, no contact means no contact and there is nothing to gain by getting back to him.

Glad to hear that you are going to meetings, keep it up!

No Contact is the quickest route to serenity. Period. So, if you want to get through this painful grieving process as soon as possible, stay NO Contact. If you want to get back on the roller coaster for another few weeks or months or years, go ahead and send whatever email you like.

Besides that, how lame is that? "Call me when you can." If that's all it takes to re-engage you, then he has found the answer he's looking for. He's looking to see how serious you are about your boundaries! Don't go there. Trust me on this.

((((Hugs)))) I know how hard it is. You are doing this for YOU.

TRUST YOUR INTUITION!!! I am going through the same thing and in the last few days, It has been so damn hard, keep reminding yourself, to stick to your bounderies!!! I wish you the best and keep coming here and Alanon, and pray, pray, pray, to keep up your strength, ITS HARD ITS SO HARD...deep inside you already know what will happen if you have contact...
Love and blessings to you
serenity001

And a huge hug!!!!

let go or be dragged......

No Contact = No chance for a new hurt.

Repeat as often as needed.

Time to block his phone number and email. Gotta figure out how to do that. All of your words have been like magic fairy dust giving me power to see and act the truth. Now he is trying to get a hold of me. I see the game now. I see how the pattern went. I see who I have been and what role I have played. He is desperately trying to get my attention. For what? What will he try this time? Seduction? Manipulation? Passive Aggressiveness? Blaming? Belittling? Begging? Too bad he cannot put all of those efforts toward saving himself. Which is why I have to stick to no contact, right? No little email saying I am in recovery now and I need space and good luck and my prayers are with you. Even that is too much right? All he says is please call me thank you as if someone is holding a gun to his head to call me. His voice is robotic and monotonous. What is he doing?

So I write to you all and to cyberspace and to the universe and to God. Please grant me the will to fight the urge to hear his siren song again. I know it is ego and pride. The guilt floods in because what if he needs me? I already know the answer. Whatever he has to say to me it will hurt. I pray he gets help. But tonight I pray for myself and all of those fighting and recovering their sanity and sobriety. In gratitude and forgiveness...

If you are trying to block him from your cell phone, your provider should have a spot to do that when you login to your account on their website. As for the email, just click on his message, and mark it junk. Everything from him will go to the spam folder that way. :)

I would bring this up at your alanon group...before/after during...whatever.
Here's the thing...and I'm sorry in advance because I'm not good at sugarcoating.
He doesn't need to discuss jack chit with you...he just needs to DO it. He is a big boy. The minute you begin 'discussing' HIS recovery it becomes YOUR problem. NO!
This is not an alanon approved situation I assure you.
If he were serious about it he would have his ass at a AA meeting already and wouldn't be waiting for you to hold his hand and get him to that point.
There is a sentence in THE WAY IT WORKS alanon book...basically give him the dignity of making his own choices. It's hard. But for YOUR recovery you have to do that.

Seriously....just block his emails, block his calls. Live YOUR life.
Pray for him.
If it is in God's plan...you will meet again. Hopefully when your both healthy and in recovery.

and...keep coming back!

Like they say, it's hard to lose an alcoholic.

They rubberband again and again. Break up with you. Call you to make up. Break up with you again. Call to say their life is a mess and they want to get together again. Break up with you. Call to say their self-esteem was just too low and they didn't feel they deserved you and can they have another chance. Break up with you. Two, three, four, five years go by. Call to say they've been thinking about you, how are things, sure did make a mistake letting you go...................

If your exabf goes into serious, rigorous, long term recovery and as part of cleaning up his wreckage with the help of a sponsor or therapist, contacts you after he has significant recovery under his belt, has stopped using for minimum one year, has changed people, places and things, and is standing on his own two solid sober feet and has proven he can survive without you or the drug.......then, you can give him your address and he can write a letter and you can then decide if you want to meet in a public place, and after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to go to a movie or something, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to let him kiss you, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you want a committed intimate relationship with him.

Addicts really do have to actively EARN back our trust. And if they resent being in that position, then the Big Book of AA just went in one ear and out the other.

Stay strong.

That is sooo true. Never thought about it like that.
thanks EG!

The cold hard truth helps. Okay he is blocked on everything except my phone which the only way I can do it apparently is by changing my phone number because of my plan. I feel strong enough to not answer and If I feel tempted I will change my number. He will get the point because he has tried 10 times to reach me and I have not answered. I had no inclination to answer. I am just starting to understand that it is not personal and understand he has the "dignity to make his own choices." I can breathe easier today. It is reassuring to be reminded that I need to have no part of his recovery and that there is NOTHING left to say that has not already been said. There is a reason I met him and I am trying to transform it into something positive and without resentment. I accept that I love him and I accept that this relationship will not work due to both of our actions and his drug/my codependent addictions.

Numbers I don't want to answer I have given new name: "Dont Answer" and assigned them a silent ringtone. :D It works for me!

try changing his name on your phone to "heartache and pain"....

Each if the 3 times I broke down and picked up the phone in this last 5 weeks resulted in the following:

Me getting angry, sad, resentful, pissed, and annoyed

The last call ended with "what are you always so mad and upset with me?"
A personal favorite line of his to use as it totally triggers me off the wall

I had two nights if nightmares with him as the star

Caused my braising to start ruminating again after I had just gotten it quiet.

Now do you still want to call?

I've just broken the NC rule with my in laws and the limited contact rule to discuss ONLY our children with my stbxAH and my post "I'm a mess" is a good indication of what disaster will occur if you break NC.

I wish I had posted here BEFORE I considered contacting AH and reacting to my MIL.

Sending strength and hugs your way.

backandblue Louise Hay has great videos in youtube, in one she says "everything is good, everything has happened/is happening for the greater good"

You met him for some reason that might become clearer later; keep on living, it will get better. I was on the same spot 3 years ago. My ex never did seek recovery, he is still drinking, my life has improved in many ways, I would never trade my newer ways of behaving for anything. I would have wasted 3 years more of my life waiting for nothing. Its not worth it.

You can do this, do it for yourself, you deserve much better things in life.
Hugs