No Contact Rule
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
As hard as it might seem to abstain from any communication, take additional solace in the fact that he is just a boyfriend and not a husband with kids and other ties. Been with my AH hubby now for 17 years...Signs were there, but I look back now and realize I ignored, forgave, overlooked, excused a boat load of bad drinking behavior that has now now peaked in a major way.
I once told my friend that you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. My suggestion, if you're interested in one more opinion, is stay as far away from him as possible. I'm no expert, but I don't imagine he will be a "changed man" truly until he is recovery for several years. I'm not fond of this cliche, but there ARE plenty of other fish in the sea. Stay strong!
To any AH's possibly reading this, I mean no disrespect. Bad night tonight, so the glass that's normally half full is quite empty.
I once told my friend that you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can choose who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. My suggestion, if you're interested in one more opinion, is stay as far away from him as possible. I'm no expert, but I don't imagine he will be a "changed man" truly until he is recovery for several years. I'm not fond of this cliche, but there ARE plenty of other fish in the sea. Stay strong!
To any AH's possibly reading this, I mean no disrespect. Bad night tonight, so the glass that's normally half full is quite empty.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
To any AH's possibly reading this, I mean no disrespect. Bad night tonight, so the glass that's normally half full is quite empty.
I thought it was a nice play on words.
Beth
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am sorry you had a bad night. If you want to, you can start a thread and tell your story when you are ready.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Hi blackandblue (your name title probably sums up how you are feeling eh?)...
I think EnglishGarden said it all very eloquently, with grace and love and understanding to your situation (and many, if not all of ours who have addicted loved ones).
Some of us have walked through these trenches of sorrow and see the hurt and destruction caused by doing things (like contacting, engaging, trying to change our addicted loved ones etc.).
This whole thing however, is a process and a personal journey that only you can take my friend (no one else). We all take 'good advice' when we are truly ready for it... not a moment sooner (or later). Just be kind to yourself and your feelings but most importantly, take care of your needs first. You will get there. Keep posting, reading and getting out in the real world to enjoy your life k?!
Big hugs,
I think EnglishGarden said it all very eloquently, with grace and love and understanding to your situation (and many, if not all of ours who have addicted loved ones).
Some of us have walked through these trenches of sorrow and see the hurt and destruction caused by doing things (like contacting, engaging, trying to change our addicted loved ones etc.).
This whole thing however, is a process and a personal journey that only you can take my friend (no one else). We all take 'good advice' when we are truly ready for it... not a moment sooner (or later). Just be kind to yourself and your feelings but most importantly, take care of your needs first. You will get there. Keep posting, reading and getting out in the real world to enjoy your life k?!
Big hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Over a week now and no contact and no temptation on my end. I am ready to let him go now and live my life. He has tried to call my phone several times and has left voicemails that I just erase. Even that feels like too much contact. I can sense his desperation. If he calls me even one more time today then I will have to change my number. I have a feeling he will get the hint that I am serious.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I blocked his email and somehow his email made it through to my inbox. He has not given up calling yet but said in the email he gets the point. He is clearly looking for another way in by saying he just wants to know if I am pregnant and if my doctor's appointment went okay. He may really want to know that but I can't help but feel this is all manipulative. He did sorta kinda apologize and offer some kind parting words. Of course that makes me feel tempted to hear him out but I know too much now about how this cycle works. I love him and I cannot change him. I hope he finds true recovery someday for himself but it's not my problem and it never was to begin with. I care about him and this is all quite painful to process. Each day with NO CONTACT is easier although I still miss him. Prayers to all...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I am grateful I finally got to the place that I stopped the contact because I knew it was hurting ME and I didn't like my peace and serenity interrupted. I prayed for the willingness to let him go. It was a process. It took time. It hurt- like "surgery with a hacksaw"- JS, AA, in backwoods Va. Alanon helped. I started seeing how it was- and not how I wished it was.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Carol Star 
I am grateful I finally got to the place that I stopped the contact because I knew it was hurting ME and I didn't like my peace and serenity interrupted. I prayed for the willingness to let him go. It was a process. It took time. It hurt- like "surgery with a hacksaw"- JS, AA, in backwoods Va. Alanon helped. I started seeing how it was- and not how I wished it was.
No contact is hard, given the availability of on-line contact or by phone or text. Blocking my EX's ways to contact me was hard to do, but at the same time liberating. Like you, I value my peace and serenity and this was the choice I had, so I made it. That's what Al-Anon and SR showed me-I did have choices......
Yesterday, my ex sent me an email (it slipped through my homeland securiity..LOL) and it was something so stupid and immature it was almost laughable.
Six months ago, the email I got yesterday would have gripped me, obsessed me and I would have fired back a long, rambling response, but not this time. I saw him for who he is, how nothing has changed with him and for me, instead of upsetting me, it validated my decision to end things and go no contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I am coming to realize that he has never been sober or clean during our relationship. The last several days of no contact has been powerful for me. I am not ignoring his calls out of spite or revenge. I am not giving him the silent treatment. I am not trying to prove anything. At times it has felt like all of those things. I am just trying to take back my life and I realize I owe him nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Like they say, it's hard to lose an alcoholic.
They rubberband again and again. Break up with you. Call you to make up. Break up with you again. Call to say their life is a mess and they want to get together again. Break up with you. Call to say their self-esteem was just too low and they didn't feel they deserved you and can they have another chance. Break up with you. Two, three, four, five years go by. Call to say they've been thinking about you, how are things, sure did make a mistake letting you go...................
If your exabf goes into serious, rigorous, long term recovery and as part of cleaning up his wreckage with the help of a sponsor or therapist, contacts you after he has significant recovery under his belt, has stopped using for minimum one year, has changed people, places and things, and is standing on his own two solid sober feet and has proven he can survive without you or the drug.......then, you can give him your address and he can write a letter and you can then decide if you want to meet in a public place, and after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to go to a movie or something, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to let him kiss you, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you want a committed intimate relationship with him.
Addicts really do have to actively EARN back our trust. And if they resent being in that position, then the Big Book of AA just went in one ear and out the other.
Stay strong.
They rubberband again and again. Break up with you. Call you to make up. Break up with you again. Call to say their life is a mess and they want to get together again. Break up with you. Call to say their self-esteem was just too low and they didn't feel they deserved you and can they have another chance. Break up with you. Two, three, four, five years go by. Call to say they've been thinking about you, how are things, sure did make a mistake letting you go...................
If your exabf goes into serious, rigorous, long term recovery and as part of cleaning up his wreckage with the help of a sponsor or therapist, contacts you after he has significant recovery under his belt, has stopped using for minimum one year, has changed people, places and things, and is standing on his own two solid sober feet and has proven he can survive without you or the drug.......then, you can give him your address and he can write a letter and you can then decide if you want to meet in a public place, and after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to go to a movie or something, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you are willing to let him kiss you, and then after several times of doing that, you can decide if you want a committed intimate relationship with him.
Addicts really do have to actively EARN back our trust. And if they resent being in that position, then the Big Book of AA just went in one ear and out the other.
Stay strong.
And OP, thank you for starting this thread.
I got snapped by a flippin rubberband this morning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
This is painful. He is trying in every way to reach me saying he understands its over but needs to talk because he is in a bad place and could use a friendly ear. Friend? He asked me to set aside my anger and please talk to him. Ugh! Help! This is crazy....
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