Do You Feel Guilty for Drinking Normally?
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Do You Feel Guilty for Drinking Normally?
This won't apply to a lot of people who are living with active alcoholics, but for the rest of us, do you feel guilty for drinking normally?
I enjoy A glass (meaning one) of wine once in awhile. I do feel guilty though, because I really enjoy it and realize that alcoholics can't enjoy alcohol the way I do.
Do you ever have such thoughts?
I know our family parties have changed - the wine used to flow, but now it feels disrespectful to enjoy wine when others are struggling.
I find it all so confusing.
It's like the good things in life are somewhat ruined.
I enjoy A glass (meaning one) of wine once in awhile. I do feel guilty though, because I really enjoy it and realize that alcoholics can't enjoy alcohol the way I do.
Do you ever have such thoughts?
I know our family parties have changed - the wine used to flow, but now it feels disrespectful to enjoy wine when others are struggling.
I find it all so confusing.
It's like the good things in life are somewhat ruined.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I never have been big into drinking
I like my 2 or 3 margarita's a year!!
It's actually nice to sit and have a drink with my friends
and not have someone passed out beside me.
No, I dont feel guitly...
BUT...If I was around family members or friends
and I knew that they were in "early" stages of recovery
There's NO way in heck, I would drink, out of respect for their sobriety...
OR..If I knew that it offended or made an alcoholic that has been
sober for years feel awkard, I would NOT drink, out of respect for their sobriety...
My 2 or 3 margarita's are not that important to me...
I like my 2 or 3 margarita's a year!!
It's actually nice to sit and have a drink with my friends
and not have someone passed out beside me.
No, I dont feel guitly...
BUT...If I was around family members or friends
and I knew that they were in "early" stages of recovery
There's NO way in heck, I would drink, out of respect for their sobriety...
OR..If I knew that it offended or made an alcoholic that has been
sober for years feel awkard, I would NOT drink, out of respect for their sobriety...
My 2 or 3 margarita's are not that important to me...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
Interesting, I had a conversation with the recovering alcoholic in my life about this subject last night.
When we got married we were both drinkers. I learned to drink in the military and I loved to drink. I definitely drank more than I should have or would have if I could do it all over again. (I'd watch less TV too).
And even when I recognized that my wife was an alcoholic, I continued to drink. I didn't want to change my life. So I became an enabler in her life.
As the alcoholism got worse, I continued to drink. Really, the only difference between my drinking and hers (besides quantity) was that I didn't have the compulsion to drink that she did.
When she finally hit her bottom, (and I hit mine), people told my that I might have saved her life by getting her into rehab when I did. But any comfort that hearing that might have brought me was over-weighed by my guilt about letting things get so out of control.
What I realized, yesterday, was that by quitting drinking when she did, by going to Al-anon, by working my spiritual program, by being encouraging and supportive...I'm making a living amends to my wife. And I feel really good about that!
When I drank, I loved drinking. I loved wine and food. I loved a good whiskey with my cigars. Now I drink iced tea or diet coke with my cigars. But I don't feel like anything in my life has been diminished. I feel better about my life now, than I have in years!
When we got married we were both drinkers. I learned to drink in the military and I loved to drink. I definitely drank more than I should have or would have if I could do it all over again. (I'd watch less TV too).
And even when I recognized that my wife was an alcoholic, I continued to drink. I didn't want to change my life. So I became an enabler in her life.
As the alcoholism got worse, I continued to drink. Really, the only difference between my drinking and hers (besides quantity) was that I didn't have the compulsion to drink that she did.
When she finally hit her bottom, (and I hit mine), people told my that I might have saved her life by getting her into rehab when I did. But any comfort that hearing that might have brought me was over-weighed by my guilt about letting things get so out of control.
What I realized, yesterday, was that by quitting drinking when she did, by going to Al-anon, by working my spiritual program, by being encouraging and supportive...I'm making a living amends to my wife. And I feel really good about that!
When I drank, I loved drinking. I loved wine and food. I loved a good whiskey with my cigars. Now I drink iced tea or diet coke with my cigars. But I don't feel like anything in my life has been diminished. I feel better about my life now, than I have in years!
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When I was married to an A, he would bring me wine on Fridays. I'm a lightweight; I own old wine glasses -- the kind that fit 4 ounces instead of the 8-12 in "modern" wine glasses. I would have one glass while cooking dinner, and then one glass with dinner. Then the next morning, the bottle would be empty.
As time went by, I stopped drinking completely. At first, AXH was irritated. I was a chicken and told him that the wine had too many calories. He bought that, because he always thought I was too fat, even when my body fat was at 18% and I ran 10 miles before breakfast.
I can tell you that right now, after being divorced for almost 2 years, I very rarely drink. I don't have an A in my life that affects that -- but I've just found that I really don't enjoy it that much. 99% of the time, I feel like it's not worth feeling sluggish the next day (which I do from two small glasses of wine). Then there's the fact that I either have children to care for, alone, which means it would be irresponsible to drink, or they're with their father, in which case I can't drink because too many times I've gotten a call to come get them at 2 am because he's passed out drunk in his own vomit.
So I think for me it's a little bit of both disgust and necessity. When I'm out of town on business, I might have a glass of wine with dinner -- if I feel like it -- but it's nothing I think a lot about or plan for.
I've told the story before about my former coworker, an RA, who always kept a small bottle of champagne in his fridge. He said any time he got the urge to drink, he'd go look at it and say, "you're not worth it!" and close the fridge again. He didn't care if people drank around him -- he said he viewed it sort of like an allergy: If everyone else has PB&J and you have a peanut allergy, you don't feel the urge to have a bite just because everyone else does...
I think with an actively drinking A around, I would have a hard time drinking. And I know it makes no sense -- whether I drink or not should not impact their choices. But I think I would feel like... I couldn't enjoy it knowing that for someone else in the room, it was a substance that was slowly killing them.
As time went by, I stopped drinking completely. At first, AXH was irritated. I was a chicken and told him that the wine had too many calories. He bought that, because he always thought I was too fat, even when my body fat was at 18% and I ran 10 miles before breakfast.
I can tell you that right now, after being divorced for almost 2 years, I very rarely drink. I don't have an A in my life that affects that -- but I've just found that I really don't enjoy it that much. 99% of the time, I feel like it's not worth feeling sluggish the next day (which I do from two small glasses of wine). Then there's the fact that I either have children to care for, alone, which means it would be irresponsible to drink, or they're with their father, in which case I can't drink because too many times I've gotten a call to come get them at 2 am because he's passed out drunk in his own vomit.
So I think for me it's a little bit of both disgust and necessity. When I'm out of town on business, I might have a glass of wine with dinner -- if I feel like it -- but it's nothing I think a lot about or plan for.
I've told the story before about my former coworker, an RA, who always kept a small bottle of champagne in his fridge. He said any time he got the urge to drink, he'd go look at it and say, "you're not worth it!" and close the fridge again. He didn't care if people drank around him -- he said he viewed it sort of like an allergy: If everyone else has PB&J and you have a peanut allergy, you don't feel the urge to have a bite just because everyone else does...
I think with an actively drinking A around, I would have a hard time drinking. And I know it makes no sense -- whether I drink or not should not impact their choices. But I think I would feel like... I couldn't enjoy it knowing that for someone else in the room, it was a substance that was slowly killing them.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
Posts: 110
"It's like the good things in life are somewhat ruined"
Hey Seek! OMG yes I felt that way, but that was because e would point it out. Or act as if he were missing out on the fun. Back then I felt bad for him, but I don't anymore as I truly experienced what he is capable when he binges. It did make me think twice about my own drinking though, I have always been a social drinker and never saw anything wrong with it. After being with him it sort of traumatized me. I'm not an alcoholic but since been affected the way I was, I see that it does get in the way when you are trying to be happy, successful and positive. It was a good realization as to what I really should be doing as opposed to blowing time and money on booze. When he was around I detached from my close friends and realized how out of control their drinking is as well. I def. feel like the black sheep in the group now as all they want to do is get hammered at EVERY event. It's not cute anymore... is the way I see it. We're not little girls anymore, just trying to party. We're all in out 30's and I just don't want to be in that "SCENE" anymore as it only attracts more of the same people. I hope in time my feelings will change a bit towards drinking(I'm sure they will) as I know that being with someone like him WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! I'll make dam sure of it
Hey Seek! OMG yes I felt that way, but that was because e would point it out. Or act as if he were missing out on the fun. Back then I felt bad for him, but I don't anymore as I truly experienced what he is capable when he binges. It did make me think twice about my own drinking though, I have always been a social drinker and never saw anything wrong with it. After being with him it sort of traumatized me. I'm not an alcoholic but since been affected the way I was, I see that it does get in the way when you are trying to be happy, successful and positive. It was a good realization as to what I really should be doing as opposed to blowing time and money on booze. When he was around I detached from my close friends and realized how out of control their drinking is as well. I def. feel like the black sheep in the group now as all they want to do is get hammered at EVERY event. It's not cute anymore... is the way I see it. We're not little girls anymore, just trying to party. We're all in out 30's and I just don't want to be in that "SCENE" anymore as it only attracts more of the same people. I hope in time my feelings will change a bit towards drinking(I'm sure they will) as I know that being with someone like him WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! I'll make dam sure of it
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi Seek,
This question has popped up in various ways before. I'm an RA who was four years sober before I went to Al-anon so drinking for me is out of the question but I do know that folks from my al-anon group are mostly non or moderate drinkers.
My family were very supportive of my sobriety in the first year - literally wouldn't drink around me. In the last year or two when we go to dinner they might have a glass or two of wine and personally, I'm so glad. It's a vote of confidence in my sobriety and I hated the fact that they were giving up a part of social occasions. As soon as I felt confident in my sobriety I told them that in the same way there was nothing they could do to get me sober until I was ready - there is nothing they can do that will jeopardise my sobriety. It's my responsibility to stay sober and if I'm ever feeling uncomfortable around alcohol, it's my job to make it an early night.
Many people have a healthy relationship with alcohol. If I were you, I wouldn't feel guilty to be one of them. I love PB&J and there are thousands of people out there with nut allergies. I can walk and there are thousands of people who can't.
When I socialise nowadays I'm often our with friends who will order one glass of wine, nurse it through dinner and leave a little in the glass when they leave. I didn't socialise with people who did much of that while I was drinking - and it's obvious that the meal and the company are the main event for these people. The alcohol is neither here nor there. If that's you then please know that this alcoholic thinks you have nothing to feel guilty about. Any more than my Dad should feel guilty for having his annual Guinness on St Pat's night just because he has an alcoholic daughter - I would hate for him to miss that.
Hugs,
SL.
This question has popped up in various ways before. I'm an RA who was four years sober before I went to Al-anon so drinking for me is out of the question but I do know that folks from my al-anon group are mostly non or moderate drinkers.
My family were very supportive of my sobriety in the first year - literally wouldn't drink around me. In the last year or two when we go to dinner they might have a glass or two of wine and personally, I'm so glad. It's a vote of confidence in my sobriety and I hated the fact that they were giving up a part of social occasions. As soon as I felt confident in my sobriety I told them that in the same way there was nothing they could do to get me sober until I was ready - there is nothing they can do that will jeopardise my sobriety. It's my responsibility to stay sober and if I'm ever feeling uncomfortable around alcohol, it's my job to make it an early night.
Many people have a healthy relationship with alcohol. If I were you, I wouldn't feel guilty to be one of them. I love PB&J and there are thousands of people out there with nut allergies. I can walk and there are thousands of people who can't.
When I socialise nowadays I'm often our with friends who will order one glass of wine, nurse it through dinner and leave a little in the glass when they leave. I didn't socialise with people who did much of that while I was drinking - and it's obvious that the meal and the company are the main event for these people. The alcohol is neither here nor there. If that's you then please know that this alcoholic thinks you have nothing to feel guilty about. Any more than my Dad should feel guilty for having his annual Guinness on St Pat's night just because he has an alcoholic daughter - I would hate for him to miss that.
Hugs,
SL.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Personally, I only get irked if people try to be "supportive" and avoid drinking around me. Rest assured that we enjoyed alcohol in ways you can't possibly imagine, at least while the going was good. So, IMO, there is no need for you to feel guilty, seek.
-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)
-- From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I was trying a new recipe that called for a little bit of alcohol when I first started my recovery.
I got in line and realized that the person in front of me was someone I knew from Al-anon.
I was such a mess that I got out of line, walked around the store a few times, made sure he was not in line then finally went through the line. I was so confused that I did not have the "alarm" top taken off. It did not beep as I took it out to the car, but did a few days later when I had to bring it back it to be removed.
That made me realize that for someone who does not struggle with drinking alcohol I was a little crazy about my behavior around it.
I fessed up in an Al-anon group, asked what you just asked and decided to see what I felt about it as time went on. I drink once every few months, a glass or two, but have learned it is not the alcohol that makes me crazy but what I think others are thinking about me with alcohol that does.
I got in line and realized that the person in front of me was someone I knew from Al-anon.
I was such a mess that I got out of line, walked around the store a few times, made sure he was not in line then finally went through the line. I was so confused that I did not have the "alarm" top taken off. It did not beep as I took it out to the car, but did a few days later when I had to bring it back it to be removed.
That made me realize that for someone who does not struggle with drinking alcohol I was a little crazy about my behavior around it.
I fessed up in an Al-anon group, asked what you just asked and decided to see what I felt about it as time went on. I drink once every few months, a glass or two, but have learned it is not the alcohol that makes me crazy but what I think others are thinking about me with alcohol that does.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I never particularly cared for alcohol even before I met RABF. If I did go out to bars with friends, I never knew what to order at the bar because I knew so very little about drinks. Having said that, most of the time when I did drink (which wasn't very often), I would get drunk. But I don't like the taste of most alcoholic beverages, and, given my family history, I probably shouldn't be drinking anyway. So, it's not really an issue with me.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Things I don't feel guilty for because I'm a grown-ass man who isn't an alcoholic and because it's codependent to feel guilty about them:
My two cents.
Cyranoak
- Drinking wine, beer, and bourbon (not all at once)
- Eating food
- Having a cigar now and then
- Admiring a beautiful woman
- Taking a day off
- Going on a trip with my buddies
- Bachelor Parties
- Baby showers that are really bachelor parties
- Speeding when there are no other cars around
- Not driving my daughter around like I'm her personal taxi and she isn't capable of walking or taking a bus
- Making my wife call AAA when she has a flat
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I don't feel guilty for having the occasional drink. With my AH out of the house, I enjoy 1-2 glasses of wine per week. I feel like I am also modeling 'normal' alcohol use for my kids. That said, I don't drink around my AH (and he doesn't drink around me now) or people new to recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Nope. Not even a little bit.
I'm not a big drinker though.
Occasionally I will have a beer if we go see his friends band play.
If we go to dinner I MAY have a margarite once in an blue moon..but I don't drink at home. I just don't like having it in the house. It makes me nervous. Shouldn't but it does since husbands in recovery.. why make it harder on him...kwim? sounds stupid now. lol.
I'm not a big drinker though.
Occasionally I will have a beer if we go see his friends band play.
If we go to dinner I MAY have a margarite once in an blue moon..but I don't drink at home. I just don't like having it in the house. It makes me nervous. Shouldn't but it does since husbands in recovery.. why make it harder on him...kwim? sounds stupid now. lol.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I don't drink, simply because I love the taste.
I love to cook with alcohol - mostly white wine, but I do have a recipe for a phenomenal Chocolate Kahlua Cake.
Initially I was afraid to go to the liquor store because I didn't want anyone to think I was an alcoholic... And then I was also afraid to ask for help locating the items I was looking for because I didn't want to look like I didn't know what I was doing.
Erm... If I'm asking for help locating things then I don't have a drinking problem, and that the average person probably asks for help.
So I'm okay going to liquor stores now, although I will not go to the one closest to my apartment. XABF and I were always there, to the point that the check-out lady would always ask about the other one if one of us went in alone, and she started sharing personal stories about her husband.
She's a sweet lady... It's just too much of a reminder of the alcoholism right now, and that's not something I want to remember.
I love to cook with alcohol - mostly white wine, but I do have a recipe for a phenomenal Chocolate Kahlua Cake.
Initially I was afraid to go to the liquor store because I didn't want anyone to think I was an alcoholic... And then I was also afraid to ask for help locating the items I was looking for because I didn't want to look like I didn't know what I was doing.
Erm... If I'm asking for help locating things then I don't have a drinking problem, and that the average person probably asks for help.
So I'm okay going to liquor stores now, although I will not go to the one closest to my apartment. XABF and I were always there, to the point that the check-out lady would always ask about the other one if one of us went in alone, and she started sharing personal stories about her husband.
She's a sweet lady... It's just too much of a reminder of the alcoholism right now, and that's not something I want to remember.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Nope! But I feel immensely grateful that I can drink normally.
Everyone has things in their life, and doesn't have other things in their life, and there's no escaping it. I don't feel guilty eating a doughnut at work in front of a co worker who is dieting, any more than she feels guilty about socializing with me when her husband is with us and I'm all by my very single self.
Everyone has things in their life, and doesn't have other things in their life, and there's no escaping it. I don't feel guilty eating a doughnut at work in front of a co worker who is dieting, any more than she feels guilty about socializing with me when her husband is with us and I'm all by my very single self.
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