AWisJEKYLLHYDE

I’m new to this forum and have liked what I have read. I would appreciate some unbiased feedback for my situation. My AW has had a very abusive nature about her when she drinks. When sober, she is a sweetheart. At first it was one or two episodes every couple of months. It always involved one of my two stepchildren or me. She has a domestic violence charge against her for beating me with a clock radio while I sheltered our 2 year old. It was so violent that she bruised me from my back to my chest then dialed 911 on herself. Over the past year, she has had more and more episodes. In the last 3 months, she gets abusive 2 or 3 times a week. Children Protective Services have gotten involved and says that the children cannot be around her when she drinks. I now spend more on hotel rooms than on my mortgage. She has lost custody of her older son which leaves her 16 year old daughter, my 5 year old son and me to face her wrath. Last Friday, she tried to push me down the stairs and I had to call 911. I took my son and moved out. Yesterday (Monday) she removed our son from daycare and I am told that as long as she is sober, (2 days) there is nothing that I can do. I talked to a lawyer today and he is awaiting a call from me to start proceedings. Now she is begging for one more last chance. I have given her at least a dozen. She swears that this time will be different if I don’t file. I don’t believe my son is in immediate danger, but the longer I wait the more concerned I become. Should I give her time to prove herself or file immediately? If I file she will be homeless with no job and her family is in Ireland. I so want to believe her but cannot live through another episode of being chased out of the house in the middle of the night.

EnglishGarden

I'm so sorry.

Alcoholism is an uncontrollable compulsion to drink.

She cannot keep any promises to you. None.

Only long term treatment (rehab and/or proven programs) will change things for her.

For now, she simply cannot and will not keep any promises to you.

Do what is best for your children.

Many people here will offer you good feedback now and in days to come.

God bless.

CagedBird

Please do what you have to do to protect those kids.

CalamityJane

I really feel for you.
I haven't experience what you have, so I don't know the best plan of action for you.
Do you still love her? If you 'file'? Is that filing for divorce or just separation?? Or can you get custody when you are separated?

The issue of her being homeless is big deal.
Maybe others who have experienced something similar will have a different/better suggestion, but have you proposed a long term treatment session as a final ultimatum?
Maybe there have been too many promises made and broken already for that.

Thinking of you.
CJ

Finmywayback

What an awful situation! The children suffer so in this world and it is sad. They can not get out of these situations on their own, they depend on us to do what is right to make them safe. At least the mother can fend for herself on her own. Can the children?

dollydo

Children first, get them away from her, she has a progressive disease that will continue to get worse, don't let them suffer at her hands. They will carry their childhood into adulthood.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers, addiction is addiction, makes no matter what she is addicted.

Bernadette

I don’t believe my son is in immediate danger

Wow. But he IS in danger nonetheless - since her violence is cyclical - so that's all you need to know isn't it?

Protect the minor children - leave the adult woman to handle life as an adult. None of this is your fault - she has to wake up to want to change - I mean, seriously you only give a person another chance at bat in the game of baseball - I would never give a person another chance at bat in real life with my or anyone else's children. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Break free of denial and get into reality.

The past is gone YOU are free in THIS moment.

Peace,
B

Seren

Hello and Welcome to SR!

This is such a great place for support and shared experience! I'm so sorry for what brings you here, though.

There are many, many alcoholics who do not become angry and violent when they drink because they do not have any underlying anger issues.....maybe your wife does.

Please protect yourself and those precious little ones.

HG

Jazzman

I've been in your shoes and it just plain sucks. You are the sober adult, you must make the tough decisions that are based on one seemingly simple criteria.... do what is best for your children. If at anytime you are confused about what is best for your children talk to a professional that is outside your situation.

You can do this. I does get better, I'm here to tell you, it WILL get better.

wanttobehealthy

It is simply remarkable the lengths to which child protective services will go to give parents who ARE a danger to their kids, a wide berth to continue to endanger them.

Is it possible for you to pick your son up at daycare and keep him in YOUR custody? It's beyond comprehension that a woman with a police record and documented violence is being allowed so easily, to have a 5 yr old in her care.

I am so sorry. In my state (I don't know about other states) you can file an ex parte order of protection that is granted immediately if you feel you are in danger (for domestic violence situations). I don't know if such an order would protect kids too. If I were you I'd call the local dom violence organization or even the prosecutors office and find out if there is any immediate steps you can take to have your 5 yr old be with you. It seems that that is the most pressing issue. Then once you are sure your child is safe, you can think about the divorce.

I suppose another strategy (ducking for cover here) would be to tell your wife you will give her another chance, simply to get your child back in your care and then you can leave with him and know he is safe. I don't advocate for manipulation, but when kids are involved and an unstable parent is using them as a pawn, you have to do what it takes to protect them.

My heart goes out to you.

brownhorse

FILE. I did. When the time comes you can get an extension. But, you can never speed up the process. I have a court order that if I even suspect he is drinking I can refuse visitation. If he wants the kids and I am wrong, he has to pass a breathalyzer.

Tell her that this time it is on your terms. You will give her a second chance if that is what you want, but that you will have the law on your side to protect your son. Otherwise, you will be in the same position where she can pick him up at daycare and there is nothing you can do. If you had a court order, there is no wait time.

Justfor1

It sounds as if she is a very angry drunk. Just want to say that domestic violence is going up sharply with women physically abusing men. You are not alone.

Cyranoak

Yes, he is in immediate danger. Make no mistake about that. She will fail in white knuckling it and is not in recovery. You already know what you have to do-- whatever it is that's keeping you from doing it is what you need to work on.

As for her, she's made her bed-- now let her lie in it.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

gerryP

"I don't believe my son is in immediate danger"

Really? You described at least two situations where he WAS in danger.

Can you continue filing and if you care about your wife's welfare, help her get on her feet as a friend from afar, living separate and apart. If she doesn't want to accept your help under those terms, let her figure it out herself and move on. Your Son comes before your wife.

blwninthewind

He is in danger.
It's only a matter of time before she drinks and he will be the only one there to take the brunt of her anger and self hatred.

You need to call a lawyer immediately. Call CPS and report that she took the child from daycare and you don't know her drinking status...which is TRUE. You aren't there...she could be boozing it up as we speak.

You do whatever you need to in order to protect those kids, hers and yours.

Have that crazy... uh... sorry. child abuse makes me sick.... but is she a citizen?
if not get her deported.
Move.
Don't tell her where.
Look the woman can't control herself. She could KILL your child...OR YOU. Get the hell out now.
Where is your child going to be after she's in prison for killing you?

You have GOT to just pack up and leave...or don't pack up.... go get your kid and go if it comes to that. Unfortunately the wheels of justice turn very slow and your kid may not have that kind of time.
The goal here is for you and your children/her children ALL be alive when this is all said and done. Do what you need to ...send the kids to relatives...get them somewhere safe. Go and pick that baby up...she did it so why can't you??
What is she going to do...try to take you to court? hahahahah...CPS would be your expert witness to attest to her level of crazy.

Seriously...we are not overreacting. You are not reacting ENOUGH. That's part of OUR disease. Your children are in jeapordy...get them somewhere safe no matter what!!!!

Hopeworks

A LEGAL seperation or a filing for divorce can be the catalyst for redemptive change... it is the ultimate intervention.

If you were to file and actually list what the issues were (they will become known as the custody issues are resolved) along with what it would take for you to CONSIDER reconciliation it maps out clear boundaries... legal boundaries.

If it were me...I would request custody and treatment... residential and active recovery afterwards with drug/alcohol testing.

Does it mean that she will recover? Absolutely not... but it will insure that she had every chance and the potential resources to change her future.

I also strongly suggest Alanon for you, counseling for you both and that she is evaluated by a professional and a treatment plan outlined.

Protect the kids... always protect the kids... I was ACOA and no one protected me. Years of psychotherapy and I am still struggling in relationships

SoaringSpirits

Your child is in danger and he can't defend himself against a drunk.

Do whatever it takes to protect him, and do it swiftly.

You will find a lot of support here on SR. Keep learning about alcoholism and see if you can find an Al Anon meeting in your area. Knowledge is power.

AWisJEKYLLHYDE

Well...I just told her that I want a divorce. She started crying and said that I'm bailing out on her during the worst time of her life. She said that she would go to rehab or whatever it takes to save our family. It breaks my heart to think that I am her last hope and that I just turned my back on her. I'm so depressed that I don't know what to do. I keep fighting back the urge to call her and tell her that I am coming home. I still might. I don't know. This is one of the toughest days of my life!!!

blwninthewind

There are no rules.
but know that if you go back nothing will change.
If she is serious let her SHOW you she's serious.
Then make a decision.

what I am seeing again and again is that rehab/recovery doesn't work if they are forced into it. they have to want to get better for them.


you didn't ask what to do...but I'm going to tell you anyway even though I'm not supposed to.
Don't go back.
You can't save her even though you want to.
It won't make any difference if you do...she'll keep drinking.
Without a program and working on recovery your marriage won't survive. and even WITH a program...it still may not.

this is not an easy road we've chosen.
and mind you....it is a choice. We chose to deal with this rather than walk away. Makes you just want to sometimes.

wanttobehealthy

If she wants to go to rehab and get help, she will want to do that whether or not you divorce her. Divorcing her and her getting well aren't connected (no matter how much she might want to make you think they are). You are not her last hope and you haven't turned your back on her. You are protecting your son and instead of walking toward danger, are taking a step back. That's sane and healthy. But alcoholics are master manipulators aren't they and they sure can spin doing what's healthy and sane into sounding like we are harming them.

Where do things stand with your son?