new comer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Owasso, Ok
Posts: 2
new comer
hi I'm not sure what to say. I'm dating and living with an alcoholic. He had admitted to being one and is a functioning one. He goes to work and comes home and drinks. We have 2 kids his son and mine. I am a stay at home mom and take care of our kids and the house. He was getting ALOT better till recently and the drinking has been getting worse. I don't want to give up on our family and work through this. I love him and want things to work out. I just need a friend or someone to talk to who isn't telling me to leave him etc.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Cookie, welcome to the SR family.
Lots of good information here, please start with the "stickies" (the permanant posts) at the top of the page, also read the posts from other folks who are in, or have been in the situation where you find yourself.
Many folks here will recommend al-anon, I have had excellent results in individual therapy.
I would also ask you to take a look at the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents) Forum for some insight of what happens to many of us who grow up in an alcoholic home.
This is an excellent place to come and vent your frustrations, find someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, get a hug, or some propping up.
I can tell you now, people will recommend you leave your alcoholic if he has no desire to get better, because the disease is progressive and we have seen what it does to the people we love when they deny they have a problem or refuse to get help because they can quit on their own.
Alcoholism is like rust, if you don't fix it, it will eat away the alcoholics body and mind and their relationships.
I hope you find some comfort here, I know I have, please come back often, let us know how you are doing, best of luck to you, big hugs.
Bill
Lots of good information here, please start with the "stickies" (the permanant posts) at the top of the page, also read the posts from other folks who are in, or have been in the situation where you find yourself.
Many folks here will recommend al-anon, I have had excellent results in individual therapy.
I would also ask you to take a look at the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents) Forum for some insight of what happens to many of us who grow up in an alcoholic home.
This is an excellent place to come and vent your frustrations, find someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, get a hug, or some propping up.
I can tell you now, people will recommend you leave your alcoholic if he has no desire to get better, because the disease is progressive and we have seen what it does to the people we love when they deny they have a problem or refuse to get help because they can quit on their own.
Alcoholism is like rust, if you don't fix it, it will eat away the alcoholics body and mind and their relationships.
I hope you find some comfort here, I know I have, please come back often, let us know how you are doing, best of luck to you, big hugs.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
we are here to listen.
we try very hard NOT to give advice when it's not asked for. sometimest its hard to do. one thing we don't do is judge... but we have all been where you are and some still are...having somewhere to talk, vent and just know your not alone...will help, this is a safe place for you to share your feelings as much or as little as you choose.
welcome...and keep coming back!
we try very hard NOT to give advice when it's not asked for. sometimest its hard to do. one thing we don't do is judge... but we have all been where you are and some still are...having somewhere to talk, vent and just know your not alone...will help, this is a safe place for you to share your feelings as much or as little as you choose.
welcome...and keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Owasso, Ok
Posts: 2
thank you very much guys/gals.. When I voice my concerns with my loved ones all I get is leave him and thats not what I want as of right now. I love him and want things to work out and help him. My "mother in law" talkd me about alanon so when I googled it I got this website. SHe is very understanding and understands if we break up but is willing to help me anyway she can so we can stay together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome Cookie. There are tons of resources available here so take some time to read, especially the stickies at the top of our forum home page. Education is power, even when its scary. I remember first googling alcoholism and being so discouraged.
Al-Anon is also a great face-to-face resource for companionship and strength. I recommend it highly!
Take good care and keep coming back,
~T
Al-Anon is also a great face-to-face resource for companionship and strength. I recommend it highly!
Take good care and keep coming back,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, Cookie.
The most important thing you will need to practice is detachment. This means never rescuing him from any mess his drinking has created. This is very very hard for a loving woman to do....it goes against every natural instinct she has to nurture and protect......but every addiction expert will tell you that if you rescue him in any way, you are making it easier for him to drink and he will get sicker and sicker.
To arm yourself with the right tools to deal with this disease, you can go to Al-Anon (no excuses) every week at minimum, you can educate yourself (books like "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" and "The Addictive Personality"), and you can go to counseling if that is a financial option for you.
Both sons are being hurt by his alcoholism. Even if you don't think so. An intoxicated parent is an abandoning parent. Children who are abandoned are devastated inside.
I hope you will always feel you can post here at SR when you feel overwhelmed,need information, feel lonely. Addicts isolate their spouses. This makes everyone very emotionally ill and gives the alcoholic more power to keep drinking. So try to stay always in communication with people in recovery.
You will not in any way be able to control his drinking or talk sense into him. His is a mental obsession and a physical dependence which you are helpless to control.
If you stop rescuing him, if he experiences the full and painful consequences of his drinking, there is a chance he will be miserable and desperate enough to seek help.
But if you cushion him, he won't.
Good luck as you face the challenges ahead. SR is always here.
The most important thing you will need to practice is detachment. This means never rescuing him from any mess his drinking has created. This is very very hard for a loving woman to do....it goes against every natural instinct she has to nurture and protect......but every addiction expert will tell you that if you rescue him in any way, you are making it easier for him to drink and he will get sicker and sicker.
To arm yourself with the right tools to deal with this disease, you can go to Al-Anon (no excuses) every week at minimum, you can educate yourself (books like "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober" and "The Addictive Personality"), and you can go to counseling if that is a financial option for you.
Both sons are being hurt by his alcoholism. Even if you don't think so. An intoxicated parent is an abandoning parent. Children who are abandoned are devastated inside.
I hope you will always feel you can post here at SR when you feel overwhelmed,need information, feel lonely. Addicts isolate their spouses. This makes everyone very emotionally ill and gives the alcoholic more power to keep drinking. So try to stay always in communication with people in recovery.
You will not in any way be able to control his drinking or talk sense into him. His is a mental obsession and a physical dependence which you are helpless to control.
If you stop rescuing him, if he experiences the full and painful consequences of his drinking, there is a chance he will be miserable and desperate enough to seek help.
But if you cushion him, he won't.
Good luck as you face the challenges ahead. SR is always here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
cookie.... please read more threads here.
I know your going to say...oh that won't be me.
But it will.
give it 5 or 10 yrs because alcoholism is a progressive disease. The drinking and acting out will NOT get better. right now you may be minimally impacted by it but 10 yrs from now it will be a whole different ballgame and you will look back and say to yourself...why didn't I listen to them....
only he can decide if he wants recovery.
You can't control it, you can't cure it and you did not cause it.
It is a disease and you can still love your alcoholic as a person and hate the disease. Some people manage to do this for a very very long time while still living together and they find their own serenity. I personally don't subscribe to this.
I don't believe that children should have to step over their dad passed out on the floor to go to bed at night and letting that sort of thing continue in your home damages them. Mine is in recovery. I remember how things were and they were a MESS.. I know how they are now...and while still not easy...everyday he is in recovery and working his program is a gift from God and I am so grateful.
It's still not all rainbows and kittens....it's hard. we are learning how to communicate and how to cooperate and negotiate ...without manipulation. I'm not 100% happy...in fact I'm not happy at all right now...
but that's about ME. The anger I hold for the yrs of putting up with what I did but I take full responsibility as I CHOSE to stay.
the guilt of subjecting my children to his drunken antics their ENTIRE childhoods..is what holds me back from being okay with our new situation. I can't forgive him because I can't forgive myself.
I don't want that for you. I don't want your children to forfeit their childhoods because you're too busy taking care of him to really care for them...
you are going to say to yourself.... I'd never do that...
but you will...
and won't even notice your doing it.
Honestly cookie...please contact alanon. talk to a counselor who works w/ A families...you have NO idea what your in for.
and if you were my daughter...I would tell you to pick those babies up and run like hell.
I know your going to say...oh that won't be me.
But it will.
give it 5 or 10 yrs because alcoholism is a progressive disease. The drinking and acting out will NOT get better. right now you may be minimally impacted by it but 10 yrs from now it will be a whole different ballgame and you will look back and say to yourself...why didn't I listen to them....
only he can decide if he wants recovery.
You can't control it, you can't cure it and you did not cause it.
It is a disease and you can still love your alcoholic as a person and hate the disease. Some people manage to do this for a very very long time while still living together and they find their own serenity. I personally don't subscribe to this.
I don't believe that children should have to step over their dad passed out on the floor to go to bed at night and letting that sort of thing continue in your home damages them. Mine is in recovery. I remember how things were and they were a MESS.. I know how they are now...and while still not easy...everyday he is in recovery and working his program is a gift from God and I am so grateful.
It's still not all rainbows and kittens....it's hard. we are learning how to communicate and how to cooperate and negotiate ...without manipulation. I'm not 100% happy...in fact I'm not happy at all right now...
but that's about ME. The anger I hold for the yrs of putting up with what I did but I take full responsibility as I CHOSE to stay.
the guilt of subjecting my children to his drunken antics their ENTIRE childhoods..is what holds me back from being okay with our new situation. I can't forgive him because I can't forgive myself.
I don't want that for you. I don't want your children to forfeit their childhoods because you're too busy taking care of him to really care for them...
you are going to say to yourself.... I'd never do that...
but you will...
and won't even notice your doing it.
Honestly cookie...please contact alanon. talk to a counselor who works w/ A families...you have NO idea what your in for.
and if you were my daughter...I would tell you to pick those babies up and run like hell.
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