lillamy

Know how sometimes you need a two-by-four across the forehead to get out of your rut?

Yeah.
I got me one of those yesterday.

I went with one of my kids to her counseling appointment. She told the counselor that I drive her nuts because I preach at her and interrupt her when she's trying to tell me something.

And the counselor says, "sometimes, it's hard for other people to know what we're doing and what we need when we tell them something. Sometimes, we tell people things NOT because we want them to jump up on that white horse and ride to our rescue but simply because we need to VENT and we need someone to LISTEN. And I think your mom might have pretty much perfected the jumping up on the white horse and riding to everyone's rescue regardless of whether they want her help or not. So your job is to tell her that you're just in need of a listening ear -- you DON'T need her to fix anything."

Wow. Yeah. Here I am, wondering why my daughter gets so furiously irritated at me. And all I'm doing is doing it again. Fixing things. Because that's how I think you show love. By helping people.

It's really a wonder I don't do like that boyscout in the story, who was helping old ladies across the street to get his service badge... whether the old ladies were really intending to cross the street or not...

I've spent so much time understanding addiction and helping my children deal with everything that I've put my own recovery on the backburner. Again. Because, you know, I make this post every three months. Realizing (again) that I'm not as "pretty much fixed" as I thought.

Isollae

:rotfxko

Sounds like your doing ok though!

fedup3

lillamy, boy can I relate to what you wrote. I need to put away the white horse and go take a break.

lillamy

But I feel so virtuous and good up on that white steed!!! I feel like I'm a SUPERHERO!!! Helping people in need whether they like it or not!!!

(And yeah, I'm OK. The only thing bruised is my ego. Which needed a bruising.)

wicked

lillamy,

You crack me up, yes, I get that shift sometimes and I turn around so quick I get dizzy.

My daughter (mid teens at the time) told her counselor that she didnt want to hurt my feelings (good god!) so she had the counselor there to tell me that she just wants me to listen. No fixing needed, just listen and hear what she is saying.

Sigh, so all my great ideas? I keep to myself!

Beth


Maybe we should form a virtuous white steed club, and run our superhero stories by each other before we act on "helping" people.
:rotfxko

fedup3

It's hard keeping on my side of the street and letting go and letting God, ugh. Maybe if I write the words on my hands "keep quite mind your own business" then I would remember to just listen.

m1k3

((((hugs)))) and good job. That isn't necessarily being codie you know, fixing things is a parents job. Sometimes though we all just got to shut up and listen. We might learn something.

Your friend,

lillamy

I need one of those embroidered framed things on my wall, one that says, "Dear Lord, please hold one hand on my back and the other over my mouth." Or, possibly, "Never miss a good opportunity to shut up."

akrasia

Amen to that.

You sound like a great mom.

m1k3

Thank you, I'll take that as a complement. Actually I was a pretty good dad, at least that what my daughters have told me. Now I'm working on being a pretty good grandpa.

Your friend,

Jazzman

Like the scene in the beginning of The Incredibles when Bob (Mr. Incredible) rescues a jumper trying to commit suicide and gets sued by the jumper for his efforts.

chronsweet

You know, at least your daughter has a mom who CARES that she is driving her own daughter nuts and is willing to work on it.

My mom drives me nuts but feels she has a RIGHT to because she bore me out of her womb 36 years ago. It does not matter what I say, she will tell me what, how and why I should live my life and I just have to accept that it's her way or the highway. Good lord.

She informed me that she would no longer be talking to me and blocking my number this last weekend because she called me up ranting about my brother's problems (again), and I simply said, "Mom, I am cooking breakfast and I don't want to listen to this right now."

So, lilamy, I commend you for at least considering your daughter's feelings. When we can look at our own faults and recognize them for what they are, we are better human beings for everybody, ourselves included.

m1k3

That is one of my favorite movies.

Your friend,

lillamy

Mike, if you want to take over mothering my kids for a while, I could use a vacation...

Willybluedog

You know it's funny, I always read how women get fed up with men because we try to fix everything instead of just being good listeners, this rule must not apply when it comes to mothers and daughters....

lillamy

Well, I do have elevated testosterone levels... maybe I'm not a codie, maybe I'm just -- a guy?

Tuffgirl

LOL! Great thread - thanks for the laugh, but because I am right there with you!

I have two teenage daughters. It's a crapshoot most days. I think I may have just barely qualified for Mom of the Year for the Taylor Swift concert tickets last year, and that was definitely a first.

You're a great Mom, lillamy. The fact that you are "too" into her life is far better than being too far removed from it.

dancingnow

Good on you lillamy for taking some of the responsibility. I do have to say though that it is easy to be the counselor and give the "blame it on the other person" line.

My kids are great at whining and complaining about stuff and then when I make a suggestion or ask a question they give me all sorts of grief telling me I always want to discuss something when it's not the right time (never is for some things) and I turn everything into an issue. I think they got some of this way of talking to me or reacting to what I do from their AD.

I do need to step away sometimes from their disappointments or frustrations and let them just deal with it.

From my POV I would rather have a counselor emphasize the part that's it important to let people know what you need from them and throw in some support for mom being involved and caring about what's going on with their lives and then maybe a little bit about sometimes overstepping and trying to fix things.

IDK this may be a sore point for me because of how my, what I think is good helpful nature, was totally twisted and distorted when dealing with active A.

So I am attributing your actions to be a caring mom and not so much a fixer. I think recovery means we honor our basic nature and find ways to do it a little differently.

lillamy

A-MEN!!!!

I think the only reason she didn't is that she knows my daughter has been very open in stating that I'm her "safe parent" and that she really does feel safe and appreciates me and everything I do... but there's that balance she's trying to strike, between relying on Mom's wisdom and yet dare venture out... it's like we're trying to teach them to grow roots and wings at the same time... it's a fascinating journey and I'm so glad to get to make it with the kids.

Except those days of course when one of them yells that they hate me and wish that they were never born. Those days, I don't appreciate it so much.

m1k3

My one daughter told me that grand children are your reward for not killing your own kids. . I have to say my grandchildren are proof that that is true.

Lillamy, to be honest I probably would enjoy watching your kids. Late nights, little discipline and lots of sugar. Then turn them over to Mom.

Isn't that what Grandpa's are supposed to do?

BTW. Don't ask what movies we watched because they get to pick.