The Short/Long Version of Our Story
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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The Short/Long Version of Our Story
I recently was Pm'ing with someone and wrote out a snapshot of my story, and thought I might post part of it here as a major decision is coming up for me in the next couple of weeks. Thanks for taking the time to read through it 
I'm trying to not make this a husband-bashing post...but any feedback is welcome.
My husband and I have known each other for 7 years.
We met traveling actually in South East Asia. I'm Canadian and he is American from the midwest.
After a bit of a rocky long distance relationship, I broke it off because I felt that he had little direction and was basing a lot of his life on 'me'...I wanted him to be his own person and to go after things 'he' wanted. Anyhow, we split for a year, but got back together again after he started going to school for his Masters degree, and shortly after I met his family. They were wonderful...very strong Christians (definitely more conservative than mine). I think that comforted me a lot because I always equated good family to good people. In the end we worked things out and got married.
We both love traveling, so instead of a big wedding we took money saved and wedding gift money and traveled for a year through Asia. It was a good year, but it was also dotted with many arguments and dark moments. We had some trouble seeing eye to eye on things. At the time I didn't realize how much drinking we were doing, or that whenever we went on a hike my husband needed to bring bottle of whiskey. I wasn't brought up with family that drank heavily and few of my friends did. I drank occasionally at functions, mostly a glass or so of wine, but it has never been a problem for me.
When I finally wanted to come home to America, my husband didn't want to because it 'wasn't the right time yet'. Well, we were running out of money, so in the end we did come back. We lived in the US close to his family for a year, and applied for teaching positions in Japan, which we got...but it took a year to get them.
It was during that year in the US that I realized he had a drinking problem. We were on such a tight budget (one income...i couldn't work in the US at the time until I got my Green Card) that I started to make a spread sheet of our expenses...and that is when I realized how much money we were spending on beer. I didn't even think it was an addiction issue until I said that we needed to cut back. My husband agreed wholeheartedly but he wasn't able to. Then I started to look at all his friends, some of whom were in AA, one of whom died of alcohol poisoning and all of whom drink really heavily. It was a very rude awakening because we both come from Christian homes and I was sure that I was never going to be confronted with this sort of issue when I first got married. I always thought we might confront other challenges, like finances or intimacy...the stuff they say that are the most common things to argue about...but never drinking. His family is totally straight laced and upper middle class...so a substance abuse problem wasn't even on my radar for the first couple years. I realize now that it was totally naive of me to think that way.
Anyhow...I thought for sure the Japanese jobs would be a good move for us....we would both be working and abroad. But then it turned out that Japan was like the drinking capital of the world... it is a huge part of their culture, especially in regards to work parties and such. They also have things like liquor vending machines and 24 hour grocery stores that sell alcohol all night long. There is a huge drinking problem here...but it often goes overlooked because it is so socially acceptable.
Currently my husband's drinking has not been as bad as it has been at other times, but his attitude and negativity has progressively gotten worse. Lately he is trying to keep it in check because I have been raising red flags here and there with him and other family members and I think he realizes that us living in Japan is at risk if he doesn't shape up. He tried quitting around New Year and that lasted a week. I've told him that if he doesn't get his drinking under control by February 10th (my recontracting date) that I wouldn't recontract. You see, I hold the visa for us to stay in Japan, and if I don't recontract, that essentially means we get kicked out of the country unless one of us finds a full time position with visa benefits.
My husband absolutely does not want to move home. He has shared with me that he doesn't want to live in North America anytime soon...which by the way he never said to me in the first 6 years of us knowing each other. I was always under the impresssion that he wanted us to settle in Portland or the West Coast of Canada, so at least we could still be living in the same country as our families...but it is looking like family is not a priority to him (at least in my sense of the meaning).
We had a son this year. My husband pretty much flipped out when he found out I was pregnant...I think he thought a baby was going to ruin HIS plans for the future, which entailed surfing, downloading tons of Grateful Dead tunes on the internet and living abroad forever. He did not handle the first 3 months of our sons life very well, but has since been more positive. He has to take care of him while I go to work during the day, and I wonder about the level of care my son is getting. My husband spends a lot of time on the internet. I know he loves him and plays with him, but he doesn't seem willing to make certain changes. For instance, our son is now eating solid foods. I feed him breakfast and dinner, but my husband refuses to feed him a solid lunch...just milk...because he doesn't like the change in his bowel movements.
Currently, he is using our son as leverage to get us to stay. He has told me I can leave, but our son stays, which is LUDICROUS, because I don't know how he would ever take care of him without me around...it would mean full time day care for a 7 month old, and a full time job for my husband with little time to do all the things he loves, so his life would suck. And he has a drinking problem. In light of this, and a couple violent outbreaks that have occurred over the last few years, I've kept our sons passport hidden away, in the event I would need to leave in an emergency, and also to prevent him from taking our savings and skipping out of the country. At the moment I trust him about as little as he trusts me.
Personally, I love Japan. I would love to stay here longer, but the reality is that the jobs we have here are not all that impressive. We are teacher's assistants, and pretty much anyone can do our jobs as long as they have a bachelor's. My AH makes many good points about staying...home politics suck, we have jobs, it's nice here, it feels ultra safe, we have a nice lifestyle, the weather does not include snow...so sometimes I feel like I am the crazy one suggesting we go home. When things get really bad, I don't think I am crazy...but during the good times, it is hard to even remember why I was so upset. The down side is there is no family nearby, we fight a lot, there are constant issues with his drinking and I would like to try and further my teaching career by going back to school for a year to get a real teaching certificate. On top of all that, I would really like to get into an Alanon support group (there aren't any where I live in English) and maybe being home would force my husband to look at himself and take some steps towards AA or recovery.
So the recontracting date is fast approaching and I have NO IDEA what I am going to do. The hardest part of the decision is that if I don't recontract, I still have to work until July when my current contract will end. So what life will look like between February and July...I don't even want to imagine the hell that will come down from my husband if I take such evasive action. And what if I am making a horrible mistake in trying to force us all back into North America?! What if being in Japan IS the best thing for us?? It's very confusing to be me these days.
Currently my friends and family are fasting and praying for us, and really being just all around awesome support to me. I am totally not alone in this. I am doing what I can to take care of myself, and have received an immense amount of support from this board. Just reading all your threads is so encouraging.
I want my marriage to survive this, but there is only so much I can do on my own. I know that inside my husband's heart there is still a man that is a good man, a caring man, and the man that I fell in love with. This is the part that hurts the most...i rarely see that guy anymore. He comes out once in a while, but someone else has taken his place and I am not very fond of this new version of him. It's hard to love him these days, hard to care, hard not to feel bitter and angry and disdainful. I try and detach without feeling these ways, because I don't want to be those things.
Still working through everything...still moving forward.
Thanks again for the help and support.
xox
CJ
I'm trying to not make this a husband-bashing post...but any feedback is welcome. My husband and I have known each other for 7 years.
We met traveling actually in South East Asia. I'm Canadian and he is American from the midwest.
After a bit of a rocky long distance relationship, I broke it off because I felt that he had little direction and was basing a lot of his life on 'me'...I wanted him to be his own person and to go after things 'he' wanted. Anyhow, we split for a year, but got back together again after he started going to school for his Masters degree, and shortly after I met his family. They were wonderful...very strong Christians (definitely more conservative than mine). I think that comforted me a lot because I always equated good family to good people. In the end we worked things out and got married.
We both love traveling, so instead of a big wedding we took money saved and wedding gift money and traveled for a year through Asia. It was a good year, but it was also dotted with many arguments and dark moments. We had some trouble seeing eye to eye on things. At the time I didn't realize how much drinking we were doing, or that whenever we went on a hike my husband needed to bring bottle of whiskey. I wasn't brought up with family that drank heavily and few of my friends did. I drank occasionally at functions, mostly a glass or so of wine, but it has never been a problem for me.
When I finally wanted to come home to America, my husband didn't want to because it 'wasn't the right time yet'. Well, we were running out of money, so in the end we did come back. We lived in the US close to his family for a year, and applied for teaching positions in Japan, which we got...but it took a year to get them.
It was during that year in the US that I realized he had a drinking problem. We were on such a tight budget (one income...i couldn't work in the US at the time until I got my Green Card) that I started to make a spread sheet of our expenses...and that is when I realized how much money we were spending on beer. I didn't even think it was an addiction issue until I said that we needed to cut back. My husband agreed wholeheartedly but he wasn't able to. Then I started to look at all his friends, some of whom were in AA, one of whom died of alcohol poisoning and all of whom drink really heavily. It was a very rude awakening because we both come from Christian homes and I was sure that I was never going to be confronted with this sort of issue when I first got married. I always thought we might confront other challenges, like finances or intimacy...the stuff they say that are the most common things to argue about...but never drinking. His family is totally straight laced and upper middle class...so a substance abuse problem wasn't even on my radar for the first couple years. I realize now that it was totally naive of me to think that way.
Anyhow...I thought for sure the Japanese jobs would be a good move for us....we would both be working and abroad. But then it turned out that Japan was like the drinking capital of the world... it is a huge part of their culture, especially in regards to work parties and such. They also have things like liquor vending machines and 24 hour grocery stores that sell alcohol all night long. There is a huge drinking problem here...but it often goes overlooked because it is so socially acceptable.
Currently my husband's drinking has not been as bad as it has been at other times, but his attitude and negativity has progressively gotten worse. Lately he is trying to keep it in check because I have been raising red flags here and there with him and other family members and I think he realizes that us living in Japan is at risk if he doesn't shape up. He tried quitting around New Year and that lasted a week. I've told him that if he doesn't get his drinking under control by February 10th (my recontracting date) that I wouldn't recontract. You see, I hold the visa for us to stay in Japan, and if I don't recontract, that essentially means we get kicked out of the country unless one of us finds a full time position with visa benefits.
My husband absolutely does not want to move home. He has shared with me that he doesn't want to live in North America anytime soon...which by the way he never said to me in the first 6 years of us knowing each other. I was always under the impresssion that he wanted us to settle in Portland or the West Coast of Canada, so at least we could still be living in the same country as our families...but it is looking like family is not a priority to him (at least in my sense of the meaning).
We had a son this year. My husband pretty much flipped out when he found out I was pregnant...I think he thought a baby was going to ruin HIS plans for the future, which entailed surfing, downloading tons of Grateful Dead tunes on the internet and living abroad forever. He did not handle the first 3 months of our sons life very well, but has since been more positive. He has to take care of him while I go to work during the day, and I wonder about the level of care my son is getting. My husband spends a lot of time on the internet. I know he loves him and plays with him, but he doesn't seem willing to make certain changes. For instance, our son is now eating solid foods. I feed him breakfast and dinner, but my husband refuses to feed him a solid lunch...just milk...because he doesn't like the change in his bowel movements.
Currently, he is using our son as leverage to get us to stay. He has told me I can leave, but our son stays, which is LUDICROUS, because I don't know how he would ever take care of him without me around...it would mean full time day care for a 7 month old, and a full time job for my husband with little time to do all the things he loves, so his life would suck. And he has a drinking problem. In light of this, and a couple violent outbreaks that have occurred over the last few years, I've kept our sons passport hidden away, in the event I would need to leave in an emergency, and also to prevent him from taking our savings and skipping out of the country. At the moment I trust him about as little as he trusts me.
Personally, I love Japan. I would love to stay here longer, but the reality is that the jobs we have here are not all that impressive. We are teacher's assistants, and pretty much anyone can do our jobs as long as they have a bachelor's. My AH makes many good points about staying...home politics suck, we have jobs, it's nice here, it feels ultra safe, we have a nice lifestyle, the weather does not include snow...so sometimes I feel like I am the crazy one suggesting we go home. When things get really bad, I don't think I am crazy...but during the good times, it is hard to even remember why I was so upset. The down side is there is no family nearby, we fight a lot, there are constant issues with his drinking and I would like to try and further my teaching career by going back to school for a year to get a real teaching certificate. On top of all that, I would really like to get into an Alanon support group (there aren't any where I live in English) and maybe being home would force my husband to look at himself and take some steps towards AA or recovery.
So the recontracting date is fast approaching and I have NO IDEA what I am going to do. The hardest part of the decision is that if I don't recontract, I still have to work until July when my current contract will end. So what life will look like between February and July...I don't even want to imagine the hell that will come down from my husband if I take such evasive action. And what if I am making a horrible mistake in trying to force us all back into North America?! What if being in Japan IS the best thing for us?? It's very confusing to be me these days.
Currently my friends and family are fasting and praying for us, and really being just all around awesome support to me. I am totally not alone in this. I am doing what I can to take care of myself, and have received an immense amount of support from this board. Just reading all your threads is so encouraging.
I want my marriage to survive this, but there is only so much I can do on my own. I know that inside my husband's heart there is still a man that is a good man, a caring man, and the man that I fell in love with. This is the part that hurts the most...i rarely see that guy anymore. He comes out once in a while, but someone else has taken his place and I am not very fond of this new version of him. It's hard to love him these days, hard to care, hard not to feel bitter and angry and disdainful. I try and detach without feeling these ways, because I don't want to be those things.
Still working through everything...still moving forward.
Thanks again for the help and support.
xox
CJ
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The big, huge thing that stands out to me here is your son.
It's very, very clear to me that your AH is not capable of taking good care of him. Choosing not to feed a child because he doesn't like to change his diapers? That is ludicrous. And I'm telling you this for one reason and one reason only: When I lived with my AXH, I was so enmeshed in the way he saw things that I didn't realize how outrageously insane some of the things he did, thought, and said were.
You're a Canadian citizen. I would go to the Canadian embassy and ask their advice of how you can legally leave Japan with your son. I'm guessing your AH doesn't want to go back to the US and his family because he's afraid they might interfere with his addiction. So he's feeding you a line because he knows you won't leave your son.
It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I'm worried about the care (or lack thereof) your son is getting. He's too young to be able to tell you what's going on. He's too young to tell you if his father ignores him, falls asleep during the day, etc.
It's very, very clear to me that your AH is not capable of taking good care of him. Choosing not to feed a child because he doesn't like to change his diapers? That is ludicrous. And I'm telling you this for one reason and one reason only: When I lived with my AXH, I was so enmeshed in the way he saw things that I didn't realize how outrageously insane some of the things he did, thought, and said were.
You're a Canadian citizen. I would go to the Canadian embassy and ask their advice of how you can legally leave Japan with your son. I'm guessing your AH doesn't want to go back to the US and his family because he's afraid they might interfere with his addiction. So he's feeding you a line because he knows you won't leave your son.
It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I'm worried about the care (or lack thereof) your son is getting. He's too young to be able to tell you what's going on. He's too young to tell you if his father ignores him, falls asleep during the day, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Thanks Lillamy,
When I write stuff down, I think I see how nuts it is.
I also can come up with good excuses too to justify my husbands take on things. I know that if I make it easy for him (set aside a jar of food every night that is for our sons lunch and insist that he feeds it to him because it is the best thing for him) he will likely do it, but it sometimes takes me more time than it should to do things like that. I guess I just wish he would jump to some things on his own. It is hard to tell what is the difference between him just being a 'guy' who doesn't have a clue about kids...and him just being difficult about things that should probably be no brainers.
I will contact the embassy...just to see what they say my rights are.
Thanks again,
CJ
When I write stuff down, I think I see how nuts it is.
I also can come up with good excuses too to justify my husbands take on things. I know that if I make it easy for him (set aside a jar of food every night that is for our sons lunch and insist that he feeds it to him because it is the best thing for him) he will likely do it, but it sometimes takes me more time than it should to do things like that. I guess I just wish he would jump to some things on his own. It is hard to tell what is the difference between him just being a 'guy' who doesn't have a clue about kids...and him just being difficult about things that should probably be no brainers.
I will contact the embassy...just to see what they say my rights are.
Thanks again,
CJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
CJ, I am the child of an alcoholic mother, I was abused from the time I was small by both my parents, but I can tell you first hand , it is no fun growing up being resented by an alcoholic parent. Right now he refuses to feed the baby, what happens next, my mom repeated told me how much I hated her (I never said or felt that) but I knew that she could not really love me because she hated herself.
Go over to the ACOA forum and read the stories of those of us who grew up in alcoholic homes, it was absolutely miserable, at 49 I am still dealing with the after-effects of the neagtivity, the abuse, the pain, the self-doubt. You say you think you feel crazy sometimes, how is a little child going to feel, he is not going to tell you what daddy dearest says or does to him during the day, he is going to internalize it, eat the pain, I know you will think I am being mean, what I am doing is showing you that childs future unless your husband changes and changes soon.
Please think long and hard about what I have said, and consider packing that beautiful, innocent little child up and taking him home to be with family who will love him, daddy can choose to follow you home or not, politics is a crappy reason to stay away from family.
Thinking only of you and your baby,
Big hugs,
Bill
Go over to the ACOA forum and read the stories of those of us who grew up in alcoholic homes, it was absolutely miserable, at 49 I am still dealing with the after-effects of the neagtivity, the abuse, the pain, the self-doubt. You say you think you feel crazy sometimes, how is a little child going to feel, he is not going to tell you what daddy dearest says or does to him during the day, he is going to internalize it, eat the pain, I know you will think I am being mean, what I am doing is showing you that childs future unless your husband changes and changes soon.
Please think long and hard about what I have said, and consider packing that beautiful, innocent little child up and taking him home to be with family who will love him, daddy can choose to follow you home or not, politics is a crappy reason to stay away from family.
Thinking only of you and your baby,
Big hugs,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi calamity jane-
lots of good information for you here: International child abduction in Japan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
i think you would be best to tread very carefully here, as it doesn't appear that you have the right to return to the states with your baby.
in considering your case, it feels to me that perhaps your best option is to wait it out and refuse to re-sign the contract. this will force the whole family back to north america, where you can then deal with your separation/divorce/whatever. can you explain a bit more why he can't stay on...i'm assuming he's working as a teacher also...
i would be wary to go thru separation/divorce/custody issues whilst in japan and you could risk criminal charges if you just leave with your child.
another option that you have is to get fired from your job, hence you would no longer be eligible to remain in japan as you broke your contract. that is one way of forcing your hand. i would imagine that it would be easy to get fired from your job...just stop going to work...you could say that you are having family issues (true) and that you can't handle it because you are depressed. i would imagine you'll get fired quickly and be kicked out of the country.
regarding the safety of your child with your AH whilst you are not there, i am alarmed that he won't feed the baby food. that is not reasonable. and that is all you know of, perhaps there are other safety issues. if it was me, i would buy some nanny cameras and see exactly what is going on whilst you are not there.
and please, safeguard your soberrecovery account if you share a computer at home with him. do not tell him you are writing here and use firefox as your webbrowser and set the privacy to not store logins and to erase all history.
from what you've described, he sounds very selfish... imagine denying a new mother the support of her family...
i would render a guess that he wants to stay in japan so he can drink in peace and you remain isolated and under his control.
as for the put-downs, that's how addicts operate to keep you hostage...slowly wearing down your self-esteem until you actually start to believe them.
naive
lots of good information for you here: International child abduction in Japan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
i think you would be best to tread very carefully here, as it doesn't appear that you have the right to return to the states with your baby.
in considering your case, it feels to me that perhaps your best option is to wait it out and refuse to re-sign the contract. this will force the whole family back to north america, where you can then deal with your separation/divorce/whatever. can you explain a bit more why he can't stay on...i'm assuming he's working as a teacher also...
i would be wary to go thru separation/divorce/custody issues whilst in japan and you could risk criminal charges if you just leave with your child.
another option that you have is to get fired from your job, hence you would no longer be eligible to remain in japan as you broke your contract. that is one way of forcing your hand. i would imagine that it would be easy to get fired from your job...just stop going to work...you could say that you are having family issues (true) and that you can't handle it because you are depressed. i would imagine you'll get fired quickly and be kicked out of the country.
regarding the safety of your child with your AH whilst you are not there, i am alarmed that he won't feed the baby food. that is not reasonable. and that is all you know of, perhaps there are other safety issues. if it was me, i would buy some nanny cameras and see exactly what is going on whilst you are not there.
and please, safeguard your soberrecovery account if you share a computer at home with him. do not tell him you are writing here and use firefox as your webbrowser and set the privacy to not store logins and to erase all history.
from what you've described, he sounds very selfish... imagine denying a new mother the support of her family...
i would render a guess that he wants to stay in japan so he can drink in peace and you remain isolated and under his control.
as for the put-downs, that's how addicts operate to keep you hostage...slowly wearing down your self-esteem until you actually start to believe them.
naive
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
When I write stuff down, I think I see how nuts it is.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Hey Naive,
Yes, I know about the issues with child abduction to Japan.
Fortunately for us though...we aren't Japanese, and I think most cases are of Japanese parents returning to Japan with their kids and denying them access to their Canadian/American/Other nationality parent. It happens a lot unfortunately.
To answer your question, my husband could stay in Japan if he wanted to, but he is under my visa as a dependent, so that means that once I lose my job, my work visa expires in one month from that date...and so would his dependent status. So, he would need to find a job that would offer full time hours and a visa to stay in the country. He probably could, but probably could, but it would be difficult and extra challenging to take care of a baby at the same time.
I can break my contract any time...i really hate to, but i'm thinking about it.
It is ultimately up to me in the end. I have the power to change everything. I just think I'm really scared of doing it...it will totally turn our world upside down, and it just seems like such a HUGE hurdle to jump.
I talked to my husband about the food thing. Didn't help that my son puked up all his dinner last night (first time because of some baby food with cheese in it likely)...but I let him know how important it was at this stage that he start eating, because he needs the nutrients. He'll do it if I lay everything out for him, but it has felt like pulling teeth. He doesn't starve him..but he just wants to stick to milk, cause it's easy and that's what he knows. I am not trying to make excuses for him...just trying to make him seem like less of a ********.
Divorce is not on my mind just yet...and I wish separation wasn't...I honestly don't know what my life will look like when I return home. Just that I will be close to family, will potentially be able to go back to school, that AH can get some serious help...but the details are foggy. Hard to think straight about it.
Recently he has been acting great and is trying to quit drinking again so I will recontract. What do I do if he does quit? I can recontract, and then if he relapses, I can break my contract with good reason I guess. Ugh. I really just don't want to be in this situation right now. Thanks again.
xoxCJ
Yes, I know about the issues with child abduction to Japan.
Fortunately for us though...we aren't Japanese, and I think most cases are of Japanese parents returning to Japan with their kids and denying them access to their Canadian/American/Other nationality parent. It happens a lot unfortunately.
To answer your question, my husband could stay in Japan if he wanted to, but he is under my visa as a dependent, so that means that once I lose my job, my work visa expires in one month from that date...and so would his dependent status. So, he would need to find a job that would offer full time hours and a visa to stay in the country. He probably could, but probably could, but it would be difficult and extra challenging to take care of a baby at the same time.
I can break my contract any time...i really hate to, but i'm thinking about it.
It is ultimately up to me in the end. I have the power to change everything. I just think I'm really scared of doing it...it will totally turn our world upside down, and it just seems like such a HUGE hurdle to jump.
I talked to my husband about the food thing. Didn't help that my son puked up all his dinner last night (first time because of some baby food with cheese in it likely)...but I let him know how important it was at this stage that he start eating, because he needs the nutrients. He'll do it if I lay everything out for him, but it has felt like pulling teeth. He doesn't starve him..but he just wants to stick to milk, cause it's easy and that's what he knows. I am not trying to make excuses for him...just trying to make him seem like less of a ********.
Divorce is not on my mind just yet...and I wish separation wasn't...I honestly don't know what my life will look like when I return home. Just that I will be close to family, will potentially be able to go back to school, that AH can get some serious help...but the details are foggy. Hard to think straight about it.
Recently he has been acting great and is trying to quit drinking again so I will recontract. What do I do if he does quit? I can recontract, and then if he relapses, I can break my contract with good reason I guess. Ugh. I really just don't want to be in this situation right now. Thanks again.
xoxCJ
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
He is manipulating you.
He is also neglecting your baby. You CAN NOT choose not to feed a child because you don't like to change diapers. That is clearly not okay.
I really think you need to talk to the US consulate about what you need to do to leave with your baby as soon as possible.
He is also neglecting your baby. You CAN NOT choose not to feed a child because you don't like to change diapers. That is clearly not okay.
I really think you need to talk to the US consulate about what you need to do to leave with your baby as soon as possible.
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