calling counselor
 

Well I am going to figure out a counselor to see tomorrow. My AH still thinks it's o.k. to throw my boy off the couch since he did it 2 days ago while I was horribly sick in bed...He also just confuses my son when telling him to put some groceries away and doesn't make any sense. I feel like I need to talk to someone about some of my options if I don't have anywhere to go...and no money. We filed our taxes and are getting back quite a bit and I was just informed by AH he doesn't want access to any money...I would like to know how my rights work to my own tax returns even though I didn't work out of the house....I'll keep u posted....

My best wishes to you. The only thing I would say is to keep all of this to yourself for now. Don't let him know what you are doing. Once you have a counselor, let them know everything that is going on, and let them guide you in what steps to take. Good for you for seeking help. Admitting I couldn't do it on my own and seeking counseling was a very difficult step for me. But, I am convinced that it is what saved me.

Godspeed,
L

I'm afraid they will try to call the CPS and they already told me that I can say whatever I want but there's no proof.

If they call CPS because of what you tell them, then it is in your favor that you sought help. If you don't seek help and CPS gets called anyway (which is likely to happen sooner or later) then you will appear to be complicit. It is better to seek help than to remain silent. Please don't let fear of something that may not even happen prevent you from seeking help.

L

I agree with L about not letting him know about what you're doing and quietly figuring out the next step. There are people/agencies there to help in these situations & they may present you with options you haven't even thought about. If your son is old enough he can attest to what's going on. If there's any sort of physical abuse (it's unclear if there is), take pictures or see a doctor to make it so there is proof. If there's a friend or family member that can help you through this, it sounds like a good time to ask. Good luck!

Is it possible that a shelter for abused women might have some insight into how you could safely document his behaviors? I would think they'd have some solid advice on how to prove abuse is happening and I'm sure they'd be more then happy to help whether the abuse is to you or your kids.

It's so hard for me to not argue with him almost every day about the things he does while drunk. But I will keep quiet about my plans. He still doesn't even know I went to an AL-Anon meeting. But he knows I'm unhappy but thinks it's all my fault. He wrote me a 5 page letter that said he's sorry for the things he's done but that he doesn't know how to communicate with me because he says everything I say is rhetorical...it's ridiculous! He also says he's sorry that I seem to hate myself...what? Whatever...I'm saving that letter to read to my 2 best friends and maybe my Mom....haha

I recommend taking the letter to the counselor.

I also recommend keeping it safely at another location for future reference. Can a friend or relative keep vital papers secure for you?

i know it's overwhelming but it appears that it is indeed time to take some action.

see, as you become educated here at SR, your behaviors in the home are changing. he will sense this.

instead of trying to talk to him, you are now perhaps quieter.

instead of confrontation, you are busy on the computer or making phone calls.

he will pick up on this.

that is when things frequently become DANGEROUS.

the abuser becomes threatened. and many times becomes MORE violent. they start to protect themselves and their addiction.

for example, he is now saying he wants no access to money. in reality, he is saying HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE NO ACCESS TO MONEY. for he still has access to it, doesn't he? he's giving it to his father.

or is he?

who knows. you can't believe anything an active alcoholic says.

restricting your access to money is one way an abusive controlling alcoholic makes you a hostage.

i re-emphasize the advice given here to NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING. he is not a reasonable human being right now. he is a full blown alcoholic. he will go to extreme lenghts to keep you in your place.

i have just spent the last hour reading every single one of your posts. i am afraid that i do not sense that you have much of a plan.

i think it is time that you make a concrete plan for escape from the house in one minute. since you are delaying so much, i fear that might be what your situation comes to.

you would be wise to get the important documents OUT OF THE HOUSE and safe somewhere, perhaps at a friends house? things like birth certificates, passports, tax documents, that letter he wrote you, bank details.

when i packed my emergency bag, (which i had to use) i had a piece of paper with all the bank details, telephone numbers, on-line account info, etc.

i also packed some cash, a change of clothes, xtra set of car and house keys, water and a bit of dried fruit/nuts.

i hope you don't need to use it, but if you continue to delay as you are, i fear it might come in handy.

when i was in your situation, i flushed out a exit plan here on SR. so many people helped me to put together a plan of escape.

what i did was explain my options and situation candidly here, and everyone gave input as to where i should go, etc.

do you have any friends or family that can help you?

you situation is quite serious. i know for myself, i didn't understand how much at risk i was. it takes a while to see that clearly after so much abuse.

we're here for you.

naive

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Thank you Naive

We are all here to support you TCB.

Thank you naive and everyone for your support. I have been without a home phone for a couple weeks and cell phone is out of minutes until the 1st... Somehow need to come up with a plan today. My AH went into work late today which he never does Cuz he wanted to c me b-4 he left and aplologize 4 being such an ***hole... He never does that...

Transformyself- your signature quote is cracking me up! So sad that it's true. Last July I came home with the kids to AH passed out on couch while boiling potatoes for a salad I was going to make to take to my Aunt's the next day. The water was gone, pan burning, bad smell and the kids and I had to stay outside till it aired out.....should've left right then....

Time to make that plan hon. I'm not sure where you live, but most places, even small town areas, have shelters for women and children. I know it's not ideal, but it will give you some breathing room and some time to plan what's next. As far as the taxes go, I'm not a tax attorney, but check to see-is your state a marital property state? 50/50? He can't take you off the account without your permission, best he could do I think is open a new one and move the money.

tcb-

please do not be fooled by apologies. this is only because he senses you are changing. therefore, he becomes mr. nice guy. it's an act. it's manipulation.

why don't you buy yourself one of those pay as you go mobile phone for your emergency pack?

is there anyone you can ask for money?

best if you start talking now to your friends and family and see if there is anyone who can help you.

or, you can go to saint vincent de paul, a catholic organization. they will give you money if you but ask them.

why don't you flush out your plan here, with us? that you can do without a phone. for example, give us information like who could help you, do you have access to a car, who's name is the car in, what state do you live in so we can research help for you. i know your mother is an alcoholic so she's off the list but any other family somewhere in the world?

i know i'm being pushy with you, but i'm afraid i've been on this board for too long to not see where this situation is likely to head.

stay safe.

naive

Can't ask anyone 4 money...kids need to stay in town for school. Father-in-law in denial...the cars r in my name b-cuz he hasn't had a license in 14 years cuz of D.U.I. when we first met. The only way he can get it back is by getting an evaluation and AA stuff..

It's all stressing me out... I've been sick almost a week thinking I need to see the Dr. My stomach hurts so bad, it's. Like a really bad hunger pain agaiin and again. I ate a huge dinner last night and trying to eat today but it hurts so bad I can barely move. There is no one ever to help me...my mom's sisters have way too many things going on...I don't even feel close to anyone...

Ok only feel close to my 2 best friends who still have lives of their own and they would take me in for a night but would b very cramped with 3 kids...

TCB, I know it wouldn't be your first choice, but have you considered going to a Women's Shelter. Most Shelters offer counselling and they would give you help in getting your life with your children on the right track. I volunteered at a Shelter in my city where women can easily stay for 3 months and there are excellent programs for the children. And, no one ever has to leave without finding suitable housing.

Can't you get to a doctor to see about your symptoms? This has been going on quite some time.

I was giving it a few days to c if it would get better but yes I can get to the Dr...I may have a sinus infection..glands feel swollen