How does my addiction affect others?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Telephonepole, Welcome to SR!
I think if you spend some time reading the threads here in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, you will realize just how your drinking affects those closest to you...those who love you best.
One thing that struck me about your post is your concern about how all of this is affecting you. How any literature read or support system utilized by your friends will turn them away from you.
In my humble opinion, caring about your friends includes supporting them in whatever they need to do for their own peace and joy. That may include not spending time with you as long as you are actively drinking, regardless of whether or not you think your behavior is "that bad".
I'm so very glad you are beginning to reach out for help. I hope that the Alcoholism forum or the Secular Recovery forum will provide you with support and tools for your own recovery.
Good luck! HG
I think if you spend some time reading the threads here in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, you will realize just how your drinking affects those closest to you...those who love you best.
One thing that struck me about your post is your concern about how all of this is affecting you. How any literature read or support system utilized by your friends will turn them away from you.
In my humble opinion, caring about your friends includes supporting them in whatever they need to do for their own peace and joy. That may include not spending time with you as long as you are actively drinking, regardless of whether or not you think your behavior is "that bad".
I'm so very glad you are beginning to reach out for help. I hope that the Alcoholism forum or the Secular Recovery forum will provide you with support and tools for your own recovery.
Good luck! HG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
There's a GLBTQ forum in here, if you didn't know.
GLBTQ in Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
GLBTQ in Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi TelephonePole, Thank you for posting this and ((((hugs)))).
Wow, you really set off some triggers with me and that was good. I had been feeling a little sorry for my alcoholic wife and then I read your post. Boy did that bring back memories. I must of heard every single thing you said every time my wife was tired of us pushing her to not drink. Then would come the promises and the calls and then.....nothing. It would just go back to the way it was before. Well, there would usually be some cutting back or hiding the booze so we wouldn't notice, like that ever worked. This went on for years with the drinking always getting worse.
So finally I left because it was killing me. I'm not sure how she is doing as that is none of my business but I am doing much better.
Good luck with your life whatever path you choose to take. BTW if you are serious about not drinking there are other forums here at SR that can help you out with advice on how to quit drinking. I believe most people here will look at your posts as being nothing but more quacking from the A about how "it's not my fault". At least I did.
Your friend,
Wow, you really set off some triggers with me and that was good. I had been feeling a little sorry for my alcoholic wife and then I read your post. Boy did that bring back memories. I must of heard every single thing you said every time my wife was tired of us pushing her to not drink. Then would come the promises and the calls and then.....nothing. It would just go back to the way it was before. Well, there would usually be some cutting back or hiding the booze so we wouldn't notice, like that ever worked. This went on for years with the drinking always getting worse.
So finally I left because it was killing me. I'm not sure how she is doing as that is none of my business but I am doing much better.
Good luck with your life whatever path you choose to take. BTW if you are serious about not drinking there are other forums here at SR that can help you out with advice on how to quit drinking. I believe most people here will look at your posts as being nothing but more quacking from the A about how "it's not my fault". At least I did.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
You'll always be able to find someone who's more obnoxious than you, drinks slightly more alcohol, has had more DUIs, etc.
And you can definitely tell yourself that your friends/loved ones have a higher annoyance threshold than you do. All of them are unusually judgemental and unable to cope with talkative, funny, not-at-all-obnoxious you when you've been drinking. Maybe you're just really unlucky that way.
The fact is: drunks get left. It comes down to that. It's an either-or situation. If you're going to choose a beverage over human relationships, that's absolutely your choice.
And you can definitely tell yourself that your friends/loved ones have a higher annoyance threshold than you do. All of them are unusually judgemental and unable to cope with talkative, funny, not-at-all-obnoxious you when you've been drinking. Maybe you're just really unlucky that way.
The fact is: drunks get left. It comes down to that. It's an either-or situation. If you're going to choose a beverage over human relationships, that's absolutely your choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by telephonepole 
Context:
My friends have confronted me about my excessive drinking many times.
My friends have confronted me about my excessive drinking many times.
Nobody confronts warm, caring, generous, reliable, considerate, honest people and wants them to change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: On a Rollercoaster Ride
Posts: 46
I have to add, that I know I need someone who is safe and someone I know can be there, for instance, If there was an emergency, and needed to be driven to the hospital, could you get me there, or our children? Or if I needed you to get home due to and emergency, could you get there or would you get in an accident and hurt yourself, get arrested for a DUI, hurt someone else, I've learned that I cannot depened on an A, and yes I've had to take a taxi to the emergency room because the A was DRUNK...
My wish for you is that you find a path to healing and sobriety, Good luck to you!
My wish for you is that you find a path to healing and sobriety, Good luck to you!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Telephonepole, This mornings posts sound quite a bit different from the earlier ones. Less resentful, more focused on moving forward than wallowing. Healthier.
I attended a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship for a number of years and this short reading in included in the service book.
"We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted… when we are in trouble and afraid… when we despair, in temptation, and need to be recalled to our best selves again.
We need one another when we would accomplish some great purpose, and cannot do it alone… in the hour of our successes, when we look for someone to share our triumphs [and] in the hour of our defeat when with encouragement we might endure and stand again.
We need one another when we come to die, and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey. All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us." George Odell
We need one another when we need to be called back to our best selves once again.
That IS support. And it seems that is what those who love you are doing, calling you back to your best self.
Do you, or any of us NEED to be nagged into taking responsibility for our own lives? Or do we WANT it, because we are seeking validation that others love us. Is it a test we are setting up. "if they REALLY love me, they will be there for me no matter how I behave, and they will hold my hand, and take care of me, and cry and weep and beg me to get into therapy. And act like a parent and order me to get help, etc etc"
I understand those feelings. I didn't get a solid foundation of security and love as a child. I've spent my entire life trying to get others to fill that insecure space inside of me, by creating one test after another. Nothing anyone said, did or demonstrated was ever enough, and in time many people walked away defeated.
Now I've come to a place where I don't want to be with me either. Not even the numb me wasted on drugs, booze or participating in the other various behaviors that I thought would make me feel what I wanted to feel. I am sick of dealing with myself the way I am.
And this is what I found, that when I got to that place, when I stopped nagging myself out of a sense of guilt and failure and simply said "I don't want to be this anymore" I picked myself up and began the work of recovery.
The only person who can effect that change is myself, and the only motivation is that I want to be other than I am, and realize that no person or substance outside of myself can bring that about.
Yes, I need other people and they need me. Those reciprocal relationships are crucial to me as a human being. A relationship operates in both directions and until I can cooperate in a relationship I cannot truly get my needs met nor meet the needs of others.
No one person or relationship can meet all my needs. I have wonderful people in my life who are not equipped to address my addiction and emotional issues. The people here have chosen freely to participate in my recovery. It is right and fair that I come here with those issues. I'm glad you've made the decision to come here and cooperate with us on all of our recovery journeys. This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it!
I attended a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship for a number of years and this short reading in included in the service book.
"We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted… when we are in trouble and afraid… when we despair, in temptation, and need to be recalled to our best selves again.
We need one another when we would accomplish some great purpose, and cannot do it alone… in the hour of our successes, when we look for someone to share our triumphs [and] in the hour of our defeat when with encouragement we might endure and stand again.
We need one another when we come to die, and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey. All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us." George Odell
We need one another when we need to be called back to our best selves once again.
That IS support. And it seems that is what those who love you are doing, calling you back to your best self.
Do you, or any of us NEED to be nagged into taking responsibility for our own lives? Or do we WANT it, because we are seeking validation that others love us. Is it a test we are setting up. "if they REALLY love me, they will be there for me no matter how I behave, and they will hold my hand, and take care of me, and cry and weep and beg me to get into therapy. And act like a parent and order me to get help, etc etc"
I understand those feelings. I didn't get a solid foundation of security and love as a child. I've spent my entire life trying to get others to fill that insecure space inside of me, by creating one test after another. Nothing anyone said, did or demonstrated was ever enough, and in time many people walked away defeated.
Now I've come to a place where I don't want to be with me either. Not even the numb me wasted on drugs, booze or participating in the other various behaviors that I thought would make me feel what I wanted to feel. I am sick of dealing with myself the way I am.
And this is what I found, that when I got to that place, when I stopped nagging myself out of a sense of guilt and failure and simply said "I don't want to be this anymore" I picked myself up and began the work of recovery.
The only person who can effect that change is myself, and the only motivation is that I want to be other than I am, and realize that no person or substance outside of myself can bring that about.
Yes, I need other people and they need me. Those reciprocal relationships are crucial to me as a human being. A relationship operates in both directions and until I can cooperate in a relationship I cannot truly get my needs met nor meet the needs of others.
No one person or relationship can meet all my needs. I have wonderful people in my life who are not equipped to address my addiction and emotional issues. The people here have chosen freely to participate in my recovery. It is right and fair that I come here with those issues. I'm glad you've made the decision to come here and cooperate with us on all of our recovery journeys. This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Mpls., MN
Posts: 20
I am new here. I have been in Al-anon for many years due to someone's drinking, someone who is close to me.
You ask why people, even your love, pulls away from you when you are drinking....all I can say is that when the person I loved drank a lot I felt like I got smaller and smaller....there was just him and his drink and his friends that he could still stand up and talk with, and may I mention with no problem at all, no slurring, no screwing up the facts....he did this for many years. A bartender told me that she had never seen anyone drink that much and still be so able to remember every detail about a sporting event he was talking about.
As years went by he did become more affected by the booze. He was not nasty while drinking but before he needed to drink he was not a happy camper, sort of like a woman would be with premenstral syndrome or pms which might be a poor example of a dry drunk but that is what his behavior reminded me of. He wanted to fight and if I reacted he won, and then he could drink. This I did not see until my sponsor pointed it out to me. She was right. Another person pointed out the Honeymoon cycle to me because of the description I gave him of my loved one's behavior. He would apoligize after he drank for his drinking and for his behavior before the drinking. Then he would say he was going to change, clean up and no more drinking. Then time would pass and he would start getting very cranky and want to fight again and then I would react to it and he had a reason to drink. He would say I was nuts and he was not, he was right, he married a nut case. lol. I found my sponsor and she, again, pointed this scenario out to me as a dry drunk and if i reacted to his crankiness he could drink, he would have a reason to drink. So I have tried very hard to not react.
You are young. Listen to those around you who are pulling away. They can't all be wrong.
Another man, a professional who I was working with told our group that he would be on the phone with his loved one in the evening and the next morning she would not remember that she spoke with him or she would not remember parts of it as you said you do not remember parts of what you do.
Another woman in an Al-anon meeting told us a story about a man who had a slip, he drank after being sober a long time. He found himself in jail and wanted the jailor to call his wife and tell her he was okay. The jailor told him he had killed his wife last night. He was in shock, he could not remember last night. My jaw dropped when she told this story. I had been in the Al-anon group for a long time, say five years and she had been there for over 20 years and her husband was sober all of those years. She has been to every speaker meeting they have at that Alano club and they have one once a week so she probably heard that story from someone who came speak.
I guess all you can do is listen to your friends and loved one. Best of luck.
tired
You ask why people, even your love, pulls away from you when you are drinking....all I can say is that when the person I loved drank a lot I felt like I got smaller and smaller....there was just him and his drink and his friends that he could still stand up and talk with, and may I mention with no problem at all, no slurring, no screwing up the facts....he did this for many years. A bartender told me that she had never seen anyone drink that much and still be so able to remember every detail about a sporting event he was talking about.
As years went by he did become more affected by the booze. He was not nasty while drinking but before he needed to drink he was not a happy camper, sort of like a woman would be with premenstral syndrome or pms which might be a poor example of a dry drunk but that is what his behavior reminded me of. He wanted to fight and if I reacted he won, and then he could drink. This I did not see until my sponsor pointed it out to me. She was right. Another person pointed out the Honeymoon cycle to me because of the description I gave him of my loved one's behavior. He would apoligize after he drank for his drinking and for his behavior before the drinking. Then he would say he was going to change, clean up and no more drinking. Then time would pass and he would start getting very cranky and want to fight again and then I would react to it and he had a reason to drink. He would say I was nuts and he was not, he was right, he married a nut case. lol. I found my sponsor and she, again, pointed this scenario out to me as a dry drunk and if i reacted to his crankiness he could drink, he would have a reason to drink. So I have tried very hard to not react.
You are young. Listen to those around you who are pulling away. They can't all be wrong.
Another man, a professional who I was working with told our group that he would be on the phone with his loved one in the evening and the next morning she would not remember that she spoke with him or she would not remember parts of it as you said you do not remember parts of what you do.
Another woman in an Al-anon meeting told us a story about a man who had a slip, he drank after being sober a long time. He found himself in jail and wanted the jailor to call his wife and tell her he was okay. The jailor told him he had killed his wife last night. He was in shock, he could not remember last night. My jaw dropped when she told this story. I had been in the Al-anon group for a long time, say five years and she had been there for over 20 years and her husband was sober all of those years. She has been to every speaker meeting they have at that Alano club and they have one once a week so she probably heard that story from someone who came speak.
I guess all you can do is listen to your friends and loved one. Best of luck.
tired
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been thinking about this post all day.
One of the lessons I had to learn with my loved one who struggled with addiction (and for me in my own addiction work) is that he/she cannot get better if I want something worse for them then they want it for him/herself.
That was a mistake that I made a lot, and for me where the fine line between support and codependancy can become blurred.
One of the lessons I had to learn with my loved one who struggled with addiction (and for me in my own addiction work) is that he/she cannot get better if I want something worse for them then they want it for him/herself.
That was a mistake that I made a lot, and for me where the fine line between support and codependancy can become blurred.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I didn't bail as a result of any addiction literature, or anyone's outside advice at all. I wouldn't abandon someone due to alcoholism. I have a few much-valued friends who are alcoholics; I'm sure they're fighting their own battles that I know nothing about. I'm ok with them the way they are because I'm not trying to change it.
There just wasn't enough of my former husband left after his depression and his addictions to be much of a partner. (In all fairness there might not have been enough of me left to be a good partner either, for other reasons.) Now he's with someone who's willing to do about 90% of the work in the relationship... which might be for the best.
He wanted me to nag him; he wanted me to limit him. He resented it on the few occasions when I did, whether it worked or not. At the end of the day, that's more responsibility than I can take for another human being. I have a hard enough time trying to make myself into a... well, an adult, actually, and part of my definition of adulthood is taking responsibility for my own actions. Sure, I'd like it if someone handed me my checkbook and yapped at me about paying my bills on time but in my world view, I'm not a grownup until I can do that for myself.
There just wasn't enough of my former husband left after his depression and his addictions to be much of a partner. (In all fairness there might not have been enough of me left to be a good partner either, for other reasons.) Now he's with someone who's willing to do about 90% of the work in the relationship... which might be for the best.
He wanted me to nag him; he wanted me to limit him. He resented it on the few occasions when I did, whether it worked or not. At the end of the day, that's more responsibility than I can take for another human being. I have a hard enough time trying to make myself into a... well, an adult, actually, and part of my definition of adulthood is taking responsibility for my own actions. Sure, I'd like it if someone handed me my checkbook and yapped at me about paying my bills on time but in my world view, I'm not a grownup until I can do that for myself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This thread reminded me of this other one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
ALCOHOL'S DISASTROUS PROMISES
I have some promises I'll make to you, If you will do what I want you to. The more that you consume of me, The more then will your losses be. Here are the promises to you I make, And I promise the promises never to break.
I promise to take your money, your home And all you can get in the way of a loan. I'll take your character, your reputation to. Your good name, I'll take from you
Your friends I'll take from you one day Your family from you I'll turn away I'll take your car, I'll take your wealth I'll take your job, I'll take your health
I'll take your watch, I'll take your chain,
I'll cause you to stay out in the rain. I'll take your credit, I'll take your bail, I'll cause you to sleep in a dirty jail.
I'll cause your name to go down in shame. I'll bring you misery, I'll bring you woe, I'll bring you trouble more than you know. I'll take your clothes and pawn then too, The necessities of life, I'll take from you. I'll take from you days, I'll take from you years, I'll double the flow of your bitter tears. I'll take your heart, give you one of stone, I'll cause you to walk through life alone.
I'll take away your desire to live a right life, Your light of day I'll turn to night .I'll cause you to dishonor your mother and dad, I'll take all the pleasure you could have had. I'll turn your love for your friends to hate, Your desire to repent will come too late.
Your road to despair for you I'll pave, I'll cause you to fill a premature grave. I'll put you in an institution for the insane, Your normal thinking will go down the drain.
I'll cause you to murder your best friend, I'll trouble your mind to the very end. I'll bring you contention, I'll bring you strife, and I'll finish with you by taking your life.
Good luck in your journey towards recovery.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
ALCOHOL'S DISASTROUS PROMISES
I have some promises I'll make to you, If you will do what I want you to. The more that you consume of me, The more then will your losses be. Here are the promises to you I make, And I promise the promises never to break.
I promise to take your money, your home And all you can get in the way of a loan. I'll take your character, your reputation to. Your good name, I'll take from you
Your friends I'll take from you one day Your family from you I'll turn away I'll take your car, I'll take your wealth I'll take your job, I'll take your health
I'll take your watch, I'll take your chain,
I'll cause you to stay out in the rain. I'll take your credit, I'll take your bail, I'll cause you to sleep in a dirty jail.
I'll cause your name to go down in shame. I'll bring you misery, I'll bring you woe, I'll bring you trouble more than you know. I'll take your clothes and pawn then too, The necessities of life, I'll take from you. I'll take from you days, I'll take from you years, I'll double the flow of your bitter tears. I'll take your heart, give you one of stone, I'll cause you to walk through life alone.
I'll take away your desire to live a right life, Your light of day I'll turn to night .I'll cause you to dishonor your mother and dad, I'll take all the pleasure you could have had. I'll turn your love for your friends to hate, Your desire to repent will come too late.
Your road to despair for you I'll pave, I'll cause you to fill a premature grave. I'll put you in an institution for the insane, Your normal thinking will go down the drain.
I'll cause you to murder your best friend, I'll trouble your mind to the very end. I'll bring you contention, I'll bring you strife, and I'll finish with you by taking your life.
Good luck in your journey towards recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 28
My AH thinks a lot like you do, he says he is a nice drunk and he drinks because he likes it and he is not hurting anyone. So, since it is not a problem to him, it should not affect those around him. No one likes to put up with a drunk unless they are drunk too. Sometimes he is the happy drunk, sometimes the depressed drunk, the obnoxious drunk, the loud cussing ignorant drunk or the drunk who falls asleep on the couch and does not have enough energy to get up and go to bed. If your friends think you need help, then you do not see what they do. My husband is the first to admit that he is an alcoholic and the first to say that he does not have an alcohol problem.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
This is true for all of us. If we are hearing we're 'losing ourselves' in our alcoholic family dynamic, if we're the alcoholic, if we have struggles with a particular topic:
But if we are to grow we must deal with reality. There's an old Hungarian proverb that says, "If one person calls you a horse- laugh at him. If a second person calls you a horse- think about it. If a third person calls you a horse- buy a saddle."
Listen to your critics...Listen to your critics, and learn from them.
But if we are to grow we must deal with reality. There's an old Hungarian proverb that says, "If one person calls you a horse- laugh at him. If a second person calls you a horse- think about it. If a third person calls you a horse- buy a saddle."
Listen to your critics...Listen to your critics, and learn from them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by telephonepole
So tell me, why do you guys bail?
Because I want my AH to love me more than he loves vodka. And since he can't, and won't, and life became very painful for both me and our kids, I had to bail.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I didn't bail on the alcoholic in my life, but after 15 years of dealing with her addiction...well, lets just say that I was as sick as she was.
Almost two years after we both found our bottoms, I'm happy to have the opportunity to be spending the second half of my life with a woman who is basically a pretty great person.
But I'm lucky. If the dice had rolled just a little differently I could be bankrupt, out of a job, my wife could have relapsed...or died. And that's what does happen to many, many of the people in my shoes, and hers. And I say "could have relapsed," but believe me when I say that relapse is always a possibility.
Even though I consider myself a grateful member of Al-Anon, because without this disease I wouldn't be on the path I feel very fortunate to find myself on, I wouldn't wish the last 5 years of my life on my worst enemy. And if I were an actively drinking alcoholic, I wouldn't ask my friends to come along for the ride. That's just not my definition of friendship.
You said that you feel like your friends are pushing you toward, someday, eventually, kinda, sorta stopping drinking. It's my experience and it's my firm belief that that's bullsh*t. They may not know it yet, but they are powerless over your addiction. They absolutely cannot control or cure your addiction. Guilt-tripping them into sticking with you while you continue to drink, because that "helps" you is pure ego-centered selfishness.
If you really want "help," then man up and stand up in one of those AA meetings you go to and tell them "I really want to stop drinking and I can't afford rehab...can somebody please help me?" Reach out your hand, and trust me, you'll find that people who aren't your friends and who don't even know you are ready to reach out and help you pull yourself up.
For what it's worth, I suspect that (like my wife) you are probably a pretty great person. I hope that you do find the courage to change your life. And it takes courage. Good luck on your journey.
Almost two years after we both found our bottoms, I'm happy to have the opportunity to be spending the second half of my life with a woman who is basically a pretty great person.
But I'm lucky. If the dice had rolled just a little differently I could be bankrupt, out of a job, my wife could have relapsed...or died. And that's what does happen to many, many of the people in my shoes, and hers. And I say "could have relapsed," but believe me when I say that relapse is always a possibility.
Even though I consider myself a grateful member of Al-Anon, because without this disease I wouldn't be on the path I feel very fortunate to find myself on, I wouldn't wish the last 5 years of my life on my worst enemy. And if I were an actively drinking alcoholic, I wouldn't ask my friends to come along for the ride. That's just not my definition of friendship.
You said that you feel like your friends are pushing you toward, someday, eventually, kinda, sorta stopping drinking. It's my experience and it's my firm belief that that's bullsh*t. They may not know it yet, but they are powerless over your addiction. They absolutely cannot control or cure your addiction. Guilt-tripping them into sticking with you while you continue to drink, because that "helps" you is pure ego-centered selfishness.
If you really want "help," then man up and stand up in one of those AA meetings you go to and tell them "I really want to stop drinking and I can't afford rehab...can somebody please help me?" Reach out your hand, and trust me, you'll find that people who aren't your friends and who don't even know you are ready to reach out and help you pull yourself up.
For what it's worth, I suspect that (like my wife) you are probably a pretty great person. I hope that you do find the courage to change your life. And it takes courage. Good luck on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by telephonepole
Yes, I'm still drinking. My friends are pressuring me to get help immediately, which I'm now doing but might not have done on my own so soon. Over the past few days I've called a number of clinics and psychiatrists in the hopes that I can find help that's cheap or covered by my insurance. I've looked into various treatment options and am hoping to find a doctor who will prescribe me naltrexone to reduce the cravings.
Although my friends aren't necessarily deterring me from drinking this second, they are pushing me to do something about it. And I am. No one's gotten back to me yet because it's a weekend, though.
Yep. I know where I'm headed if I continue doing this. I hate it. I know a lot about alcoholism, and I know how terrible it is; I think I've watched every alcoholism documentary on the planet. I want to get out of this, believe me.
Although my friends aren't necessarily deterring me from drinking this second, they are pushing me to do something about it. And I am. No one's gotten back to me yet because it's a weekend, though.
Yep. I know where I'm headed if I continue doing this. I hate it. I know a lot about alcoholism, and I know how terrible it is; I think I've watched every alcoholism documentary on the planet. I want to get out of this, believe me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
I'm sure you'll be back to check on your thread here. Everyone was pretty astute in their statements... (RAs and R-Codies alike)...
... just the biggest question: Are you ready to really listen and work on your own life FOR yourself? You've just admitted to one of the biggest manipulative/selfish tactics in the book... of not getting better if people won't be there to support you. Why is it up to your normal friends and family to go through pain and suffering for you and YOUR recovery? You say you wouldn't abandon them in their need of suffering (blah blah blah), so then do the thing that would be the best for you and them: Go to AA meetings, seek out FREE treatment (churches, etc.) and stop chatting about how you want help and actually go and get it. People respect RESULTS not meaningless WORDS.
I'm usually quite supportive of people and their recovery challenges... I guess mostly co-dependents - but the biggest thing with codies is that they are hurting themselves whereas addicts not only hurt themselves but so many people around them too (and they don't even seem to see it or care - when they are in the throws of their addiction(s). All they think about is THEMSELVES... and HOW THEY ARE SUFFERING... and HOW THEY FEEL HURT... nothing ever registering with a "F*ck, I'm really making a mess of my life and I'm dragging down the people I love as well. I'm going to stop trying to make them responsible for my choices and go get better ON MY OWN." - doesn't really happen until a person hits their bottom (if they ever do) and even then, that could be a manipulative tactic to get their loved ones back on the crazy train.
I'm sure others have covered it above, but I'll let you in on two (out of many) things which turned me off of my partner when he drank...
1. Drinking a lot of booze makes a person smell ... disgusting. Their skin gets all oily (especially the face) and their body odour is 'sour' because the alcohol seeps through the skin. Also the breath is also rank and gross. Our bedroom smelt rank every time my xAH drank and I ended up sleeping on the couch because he passed out, hogged the bed and I couldn't move him. He also sweated through the sheets... YUCK.
2. People who are drunk "think" they are funny, witty, amazing etc., They MAY very well be all these things AT FIRST (one drink), but after a few, they becomes slovenly, sloppy, incoherent, ignorant, rude, LOUD, obnoxious, cruel, selfish, .... the list goes on. However, for some weird reason, an alcoholic will only remember that first drink and how 'awesome' they really were... (head shake). Seriously girl, you are really not that funny or enjoyable after a 'few'... and if your friends are telling you this, they KNOW what they are talking about...
Just start taking care of yourself by going to meetings WITHOUT prompting or urging of others. Do you wait for people to push you because then it means that they 'care' or 'love you'? Wouldn't you like them to express their love in other ways like wanting to hang out with you, taking you to lunch, giving you a hug (or 3)...
... why is it that addicts wait for people to RESCUE them in order to feel loved? That is never going to be enough either... it never is.
Just get help. It looks as though you need it. Good luck.
... just the biggest question: Are you ready to really listen and work on your own life FOR yourself? You've just admitted to one of the biggest manipulative/selfish tactics in the book... of not getting better if people won't be there to support you. Why is it up to your normal friends and family to go through pain and suffering for you and YOUR recovery? You say you wouldn't abandon them in their need of suffering (blah blah blah), so then do the thing that would be the best for you and them: Go to AA meetings, seek out FREE treatment (churches, etc.) and stop chatting about how you want help and actually go and get it. People respect RESULTS not meaningless WORDS.
I'm usually quite supportive of people and their recovery challenges... I guess mostly co-dependents - but the biggest thing with codies is that they are hurting themselves whereas addicts not only hurt themselves but so many people around them too (and they don't even seem to see it or care - when they are in the throws of their addiction(s). All they think about is THEMSELVES... and HOW THEY ARE SUFFERING... and HOW THEY FEEL HURT... nothing ever registering with a "F*ck, I'm really making a mess of my life and I'm dragging down the people I love as well. I'm going to stop trying to make them responsible for my choices and go get better ON MY OWN." - doesn't really happen until a person hits their bottom (if they ever do) and even then, that could be a manipulative tactic to get their loved ones back on the crazy train.
I'm sure others have covered it above, but I'll let you in on two (out of many) things which turned me off of my partner when he drank...
1. Drinking a lot of booze makes a person smell ... disgusting. Their skin gets all oily (especially the face) and their body odour is 'sour' because the alcohol seeps through the skin. Also the breath is also rank and gross. Our bedroom smelt rank every time my xAH drank and I ended up sleeping on the couch because he passed out, hogged the bed and I couldn't move him. He also sweated through the sheets... YUCK.
2. People who are drunk "think" they are funny, witty, amazing etc., They MAY very well be all these things AT FIRST (one drink), but after a few, they becomes slovenly, sloppy, incoherent, ignorant, rude, LOUD, obnoxious, cruel, selfish, .... the list goes on. However, for some weird reason, an alcoholic will only remember that first drink and how 'awesome' they really were... (head shake). Seriously girl, you are really not that funny or enjoyable after a 'few'... and if your friends are telling you this, they KNOW what they are talking about...
Just start taking care of yourself by going to meetings WITHOUT prompting or urging of others. Do you wait for people to push you because then it means that they 'care' or 'love you'? Wouldn't you like them to express their love in other ways like wanting to hang out with you, taking you to lunch, giving you a hug (or 3)...
... why is it that addicts wait for people to RESCUE them in order to feel loved? That is never going to be enough either... it never is.
Just get help. It looks as though you need it. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Telephonepole may have forgotten she posted.
As someone who married an alcoholic I can attest that it is a progressive disease. T-P's SO is clearly more level headed than I was at that age. I was just tired of being alone and feeling rejected. I wish I could have looked into the future and seen what it was like to feel alone and rejected - and be morally and legally tied to someone who was willing to endanger my health (on one occasion) and others' on several occasions by his drunk driving.
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to learn to just not talk to my husband when he was drunk. Toward the end it was all the time. For the last two years of my marriage, I didn't speak until spoken to. LAH wasn't abusive exactly, but he could turn anything into an argument. If I commented that I agreed with him, he'd change his mind.
T-P has friends telling her she's drunk on the phone, and yet she still rationalizes that she's perfectly functional. I wonder if she does what LAH used to do: go over the same point in the conversation five or six times in a row. Maybe the girlfriend has already experienced the humiliation of getting an important phone call, and having a drunk SO pick up and talk to the caller.
Maybe T-P's SO can magically see into the future and realized that watching her partner stand, swaying, in the kitchen, staring at the toaster, trying to figure out how to make it work is not something she wants to experience in real life.
Maybe girlfriend is more amenable to having children,and realizes that raising children while caring for and financially supporting another adult who can't hold a job seems like more work than she wants to take on.
T-P not-so-subtly implies that she is a nicer person because drug use issues would not be a deal breaker with her. Her attitude is that we deserve unconditional acceptance.
No one gets unconditional acceptance from one's friends. From a Higher Power, definitely, if that is your belief system. Most likely you'll get it from your parents, too. But for everyone else, there are deal breakers. Being unable to go into detox is beyond her control. Going to AA to get free help is very much in her control. In fact, I find her reasoning that her friends' love and support are required to keep her from getting worse oddly like the reasoning of an abusive spouse. You know the kind: "If you were a better partner I wouldn't act so badly."
And to answer her questions about other afflictions: Well, if I had a diabetic friend that refused to take care of herself, I would give her wide berth. An epileptic who refused medication, I'd do the same thing. I would keep my distance, because the loss will hurt. And because asking me to care more about your health than you do is nuts.
As someone who married an alcoholic I can attest that it is a progressive disease. T-P's SO is clearly more level headed than I was at that age. I was just tired of being alone and feeling rejected. I wish I could have looked into the future and seen what it was like to feel alone and rejected - and be morally and legally tied to someone who was willing to endanger my health (on one occasion) and others' on several occasions by his drunk driving.
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to learn to just not talk to my husband when he was drunk. Toward the end it was all the time. For the last two years of my marriage, I didn't speak until spoken to. LAH wasn't abusive exactly, but he could turn anything into an argument. If I commented that I agreed with him, he'd change his mind.
T-P has friends telling her she's drunk on the phone, and yet she still rationalizes that she's perfectly functional. I wonder if she does what LAH used to do: go over the same point in the conversation five or six times in a row. Maybe the girlfriend has already experienced the humiliation of getting an important phone call, and having a drunk SO pick up and talk to the caller.
Maybe T-P's SO can magically see into the future and realized that watching her partner stand, swaying, in the kitchen, staring at the toaster, trying to figure out how to make it work is not something she wants to experience in real life.
Maybe girlfriend is more amenable to having children,and realizes that raising children while caring for and financially supporting another adult who can't hold a job seems like more work than she wants to take on.
T-P not-so-subtly implies that she is a nicer person because drug use issues would not be a deal breaker with her. Her attitude is that we deserve unconditional acceptance.
No one gets unconditional acceptance from one's friends. From a Higher Power, definitely, if that is your belief system. Most likely you'll get it from your parents, too. But for everyone else, there are deal breakers. Being unable to go into detox is beyond her control. Going to AA to get free help is very much in her control. In fact, I find her reasoning that her friends' love and support are required to keep her from getting worse oddly like the reasoning of an abusive spouse. You know the kind: "If you were a better partner I wouldn't act so badly."
And to answer her questions about other afflictions: Well, if I had a diabetic friend that refused to take care of herself, I would give her wide berth. An epileptic who refused medication, I'd do the same thing. I would keep my distance, because the loss will hurt. And because asking me to care more about your health than you do is nuts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's certainly true that alcohol affects our judgement: What on earth possessed you to post a question like that on a forum populated by people whose lives have been destroyed by alcoholism?
Not worth even considering
Not worth even considering
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