CalamityJane

Someone mentioned this in another thread, and it struck a chord with me. My AH will occasionally make comments about my attraction to women, or that maybe i'm a lesbian. I have no idea why he thinks this, other than the fact that I was a bit of tomboy when I was in college and had a short hair cut (I had ZERO fashion sense and studied instead of partying).

Does anybody get this sort of thing, or is something that all guys pull on their significant other at some point in time...maybe some weird fantasy or who knows what. All I know is that it is frickin' annoying. There are times I don't want to sleep with my AH, but it has little to do with if I like dudes or chicks. It has more to do with the way he treats me and if I feel like I am in good, trustworthy hands, so to speak.

Cheers,
CJ

Willybluedog

It sounds more like a power play, it is an attempt at degrading you while at the same time defecting discussion away from his alcoholism.

FindingJoy

My RExABdid the same thing to me. When I took a step back I saw it was just another manipulation tactic he used when he wasn't getting laid as often as he thought he should...even though he knew I wasn't comfortable being intimate with someone who was making me cry every night. GOOOOOD TIIIIMMMEEES

Taking5

This is simple. He wants you to have a threesome. Sorry for the blunt answer but this is what it is. The next time he engages you in this manner talk about it and see what he says. This will be incredibly easy to confirm.

akrasia

Lesbianism isn't about threesomes, d.

Yeah, it's nothing to do with any actual desire on his part, it's just him being creepy and trying to mess with your head.

Next time he gets into it, just say, "Hey, it's 2012. If I were a lesbian, I'd... be a lesbian. How's the recovery going?"

blwninthewind

I personally think that it is a form of manipulation.

If he says...oh your not into me because your a lesbian...
it makes you want to prove him wrong...and he gets his way...AGAIN.

That's just my thoughts. It also gives him a excuse for your behaviors toward him..i mean surely it can't be that you don't want to have sex with/spend time with a man that drinks himself into oblivion and pisses the bed, right?? It MUST be that your a lesbian!..... Just more quacking...maybe this should be added to that thread!

lillamy

Who cares why? It's just another way to deflect the responsibility for why your relationship is going down the toilet.

If you're a lesbian, or you're secretly pondering converting to radical Buddhism, or you have serious mental health problems, or you're having an affair with your priest/auto mechanic/ girl friend/aunt/neighbor's dog, it means IT IS YOUR FAULT and see, no wider he has to drink! The drinking is not a cause of the problems in your relationship, it's just a way of coping with the pain you are causing him.

That's the explanation I'd put my
Money on.

lillamy

(and there really should be a sarcasm font - I hope it was clear that I was outlining how Im guessing HE thinks about it)

dollydo

My ex said the same thing to me because I have girlfriends and spend time with them. He also called me a Nazi because my parents were born in Germany....not to mention other things that I choose not to repeat.

Why, cause he was nuts, an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict and an abuser all rolled up into one.

He is deflecting, ignore him.

wanttobehealthy

A sarcasm font would the be the BEST!!!!

My would increasingly (toward the end of our marriage) find all kinds of derogatory remarks to make about my sexual appeal (ironically he still tried to "woo" me despite telling me I was built like a boy and unappealing moments earlier!) and when he wasn't doing that he was propositioning me lewdly trying to (and successfully) embarassing me.

So, I think that as others have said it's simply a case of him trying to cut you down as much as possible and deflect attention away from his alcoholism...

And for what it's worth, bc I can't help but want to say something snarky back to your AH, is he serious in thinking that short hair ='s being a lesbian? My 6 yr old has a cute pixie haircut so I guess that makes her a lesbian too! LOL! The idiotic things they say huh?!

Freedom1990

Instead of asking why he is doing this, ask yourself if this is acceptable behavior and why are you still with him?

It's been my personal experience that I do much better in life by keeping my eyes on me, and working on me rather than focusing on why the alcoholic/addict in my life does what she does.

PurpleWilder

Oh heavens....you are no longer attracted to a manipulative, slobbering, stinking mean drunk? How dare you! Why then, you MUST be a lesbian!

What a jackass!

wanttobehealthy

One of my favorite parting lines from AH was that I would NEVER find anyone who met all my requirements (ALL my requirements are that I not be lied to or be married to a drunk) and that he was as good as I could get. LMAO! If that's the case, the I will gladly be alone forever.

choublak

I have no idea why guys do this, but it is not exclusive to alcoholics. I asked RABF why guys sometimes make lesbian comments and he said, "I don't know...a subtle suggestion?"

Who knows.

akrasia

For some reason we get the "lesbian"-as-insult at work a lot, from crazy male clients who are disgruntled. (It's mostly women on my team.) As far as I can tell it's code for: "You're not being sufficiently pleasant/accommodating/deferrential/flirty to me, therefore you must be incapable of having relationships with men." Or something.

FindingJoy

Thank you for re-circling all of the back when it needs to be ON OURSELVES.
This post struck a cord with me as I mentioned my RExAB said the same thing to me in an attempt to deflect and to manipulate me to prove him wrong and give him mind-blowing sex when I was grossed out by him.

The bottom line is us Codie's get fixated on WHY the addict does this or that...which is much easier for us to focus on than why are we even associating with someone who cuts us down, is manipulative, mean, and toxic. In the beginning and middle stages of Codie recovery I think it's autopilot that we start obsessing on the Why's and analyze them to death.
When the attention needs to be on us...truthfully know why he/she said something this bizarre wouldn't help a damn thing anyway.

Thanks for the redirection. It was very needed for me.

Ghostly

I think sometimes we (all people in general) can over analyze things. Sounds like a ***** thing to say (especially repeatedly), but may have nothing to do with alcohol, or three somes, or hidden desires, or really any of that.

I think Freedom's point s a good one, and you should decide if this is acceptable behavior. I just don't know if there is some deep meaning behind what he says.

Just my thoughts.

AntoinetteP

At 54, and unmarried til 47, I have yet to be in a relationship where I was not accused of the same crimes that broke up his last relationship, whether "he" be an addict or not. The "great love" of my life, whose first wife left him for another woman, at one time accused me of going gay on him, nothing being further from the truth. The one whose wife cheated mercilessly accused me of the same thing, again, nothing further from the truth.

So has there been a time in his history that a gf or spouse left him for a lesbian relationship? If so, he's just getting the same signals, since you are getting close to another female and really, guys just don't get that on the female friends level, so he thinks you've made the leap pulled on him in the past.

I have no idea if this applies to you, I'm just saying that for each major relationship I've had, at some point I have been falsely accused of the same crime that broke up one of his major relationships.

Isollae

I agree completely with Willy. If this doesn't work or stops working for him, then he'll just find another way to do the same thing.

NYCDoglvr

Have you said this: STOP!! DO NOT MENTION THIS AGAIN?

It doesn't matter why he says it, just that he says something that annoys you. And it's your call on how long you'll put up with it. You deserve respect, not being put down.