What to do...
 

First, let me say that I'm firm in my resolve about leaving, not even considering going back. Don't worry.

The past few days, AH has been calling me wanting to talk, basically saying that he doesn't understand what he did, or why I don't want to be married to him anymore. He's saying this all "happened so fast" and he wants to talk.

I know that this will be yet another of the same conversation we usually have.

I know that if he doesn't understand, or didn't see this coming, he wasn't paying attention to anything I've said to him in the last 2 years or more.

The problem is, that when I drop DS off for visitation, or pick him up from visitation, AH will basically hold DS hostage until he's had enough of the round and round conversation... holding on to him until he's done talking at me.


Any advice?

Can you do the visitation switch in a public place, where him cornering you for 'conversation' will be difficult?

How old is your son?

Do you mean that he is forcing you to have these conversations in front of your little one?

I would make it clear to RAH before I went to pick up DS that please have DS ready at ??? time and if you need to discuss any business with me please either call (gives you an out if you want to answer the phone) or tell him to text you. If he asks you why explain it's not good for DS hear the two of you talking about things not meant for his ears. period.

If he literally will not let your child go until you relent then that is kidnapping once anyone (or anyone in your care) has declared that they are leaving and he stops them that is holding them against their will, in this situation you need to take out your phone and call 911, tell them where you are (preferably as Soaring Spirits advised in a very public place) and have them come and make sure he releases your child without conversation, and then I would file for sole custody with either no visitation or supervised visitation.

My x-wife used to stand in front of the door or throw her self down when I tried to leave, the police finally had to tell her that this is a felony, even if no one is threatened or harmed.

I agree with willie. Have your phone in your hand when you go to the door, tell him you do not wish to talk about things, get your son and leave. If he tries to keep your son from you, immediately dial 911 and get the police involved. He has no right to keep your son from you and he cannot hold him as ransom in order to get you to talk. Screw that crap.

hi cagedbird-

all i can think of is perhaps take someone with you to collect DS and the two of you go up to the door together. a bit of hassle but it solves the problem.

also, perhaps you could address the issue with your lawyer? and your lawyer could speak to his lawyer? that would clearly communicate that you mean business and you're not taking this controlling behavior any longer.

naive

Thanks, all. :)

My xah didn't hold the kids like that but he did get into it similarly almost every time I went to pick them up. My counselor said I could come up with some canned responses of things I need "I need a partner that works full time." "I need a partner that does not drink." etc.

However - it didn't matter what I said. It made things worse because he was drinking and didn't make a lick of sense and never actually really responded to what I said anyway. My words just took up space until he said the next thing he wanted to say or repeated the last thing he said - and really this was a weird dynamic our entire marriage.

So I ceased talking. I totally ignored and refused to respond. It was weird and I'm sure the kids thought it was weird but it did eventually work.

Now, if I reached for a child he always handed the child to me. He didn't hold any of them. You'd have to gauge how that strategy might work for you (or not) to decide if you wanted to try it before hauling out the big guns and calling the cops.

You have no obligation to discuss your former relationship with him.

You know that, but I felt like it was easy to be guilted into it in those early days.

So I thought I'd say it.

And I agree with the advice about calling 911 if he refuses to hand over your child. You could also set up that expectation with him. Tell him you will wait in the car for DS (if that's possible) or that you will meet him at the door (if you're worried about netting in a public place because it would mean AXH had to drive DS) and that you will not have any discussions with him, and that you will call the police if he doesn't immediately let DS go.

My AXH pulled the same stunt. He said I owed him an explanation. You. Owe. Him. Jack. $hit.

The part that made me laugh out loud was the
"all this happened to so fast"

It's amazing to me how self centered the A in our lives are. I mean WE have suffered for years and now that his life is being affected by your choice ...BECAUSE of his alcoholism... it's happened so fast... amazing.... such self centeredness !

But at least you know now that he will use your children to try to manipulate you...you know what to watch for and plan for.

I dropped him off at ten this morning and AH slammed the door in my face.

I called at 6:45 to see when would be a good time to pick up DS. He sounded weird and was clearly disoriented. He said that he just woke up. Then he was irritated when I asked who was watching DS while he was sleeping. He didn't really answer, and was even confused about the time and kept saying it was morning.

I immediately went to pick him up. My friend went with me to pick him up and my SDS told us that daddy was sleeping all day.

I actually don't think he's drinking, but he's definitely not in his right mind.

Blah.

He is setting himself up for a history of custodial interference. Document everything. You may need it later during the divorce proceedings or after if the behavior continues or escalates.

It's time to see an attorney. You must always have access to your own child and this sounds like a very unreliable person to be spending unsupervised time with him. Sleeping all day??? You can be sure it will be drunk eventually.