TCB5568

MY AH decided to drink last night and he started at my mom's house while he was doing taxes. My mom gave him the beer that was in her fridge and I know she wants us to split but she doesn't want me living with her. So anyway AH told me last night that he doesn't want any access to money and that he needs to be followed home from work so he won't buy beer. I have been really sick and we went to bed together last night and he woke me up snoring so I moved out to the couch. As I laid there listening, he stopped breathing for quite a few second while I wondered if he would even take another breath. I've read the sticky under the influence and I know the respiratory system can shut down at. 60. I'm not sure what that would take but I know he had a 12 pk. Or more. I am so sick and cold trembling and shaking last night and I wonder if it is partly to do with my nerves...He told me last night he doesn't want to live like this. I've been to one Al-Anon and know that he needs to help himself...I think he was trying to provoke me a bit so I just went to bed...

wanttobehealthy

I'm not sure where to begin. I feel terribly for you that your mom is enabling his drinking and simultaneously saying she wants you to be apart from him but can't let you stay there. Do you have anywhere else to go?

It is insane (and I do not mean this snarkily or sarcastically) for your AH to suggest that you or anyone need to follow him from work to home so he does not buy beer. He surely knows (and if he doesn't you can state this to him) that he can go to AA for free, and do that after work and get support there.

You sound very distressed and being physically ill can't be helped by worry and anxiety and stress.

Is there anyone local that you can go stay with and have some time to get much needed R & R?

blwninthewind

Look, I know alcoholism is a disease...a terrible, soul sucking, destructive disease but I also know that the three C's are true. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you sure can't control it.

It is NOT your job to do ANYTHING. The A that says we aren't 'supportive' if we don't bow down to their wishes, wants and requirements are full of crap and definitely are not following any program.

One thing I have learned in Alanon is that their recovery is up to them.
Do you really think that following him around and being his mommy is going to really help? All it does is put even more focus on HIM...

This is his issue. It is his problem. It is up to him to find his own way. Besides even if you do it. It won't work. It hasn't worked for anyone else why would it work for him? Is he that special? I doubt it.

Why not do what DOES work.
A program.
Why not do what will work for YOU .... alanon.
If nothing else it will help you find who you are again. it will make you see that you're worth the effort and deserve to have a full life without worrying about your A all the time.

You have to throw the ball right back in his court. If you really want to help...print of a list of AA meetings and just leave them where he can find them and don't say a word. This is his responsibility.

tjp613

He's setting you up to take the blame for his drinking.

Same sh*t, different day!


Seeing or calling a DV counselor will help. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm gonna keep saying it!!

EnglishGarden

I have never monitored an A but have a longtime friend who did.

For two entire years (they had both quit working) she never let him be alone.

It sounds impossible but this is really what happened. She would not ever go out of the house without him and if ever he went anywhere, she went too. The only time she didn't patrol him was when they were sleeping.

This alcoholic man had recently gone through treatment for esophageal cancer (a risk to alcoholics). And indeed he did not drink the entire two years she would not let him out of her sight.

She thought he didn't drink because he didn't have opportunity.

But after he had been sober a couple of years, one day they had a fight and he spewed out his RESENTMENT, finally, of being watched by her, and he told her she NEVER had a thing to do with his becoming sober. He stopped drinking because HE wanted to, after the cancer.

All along she thought she had the power to control his alcoholism. Her life narrowed down to his movements and his moods for two years. And all for nothing.

She knows this now.

Watching your husband really will not make a difference. Only the consequences he experiences from being drunk and sick will coerce him to change. Maybe.

I'm sorry for your profound fear, bringing on such cold and sickness in you. A visit to your family doctor for a checkup for you might be a good idea. Tell your doctor the truth about your situation. He will likely suggest Al-Anon and counseling. I hope he will not offer any narcotics to you for anxiety. There's enough addiction in your home already.

And as for my friend and her husband: he still does not drink--it has been 5 years now--but he takes Xanax, which was prescribed to him for anxiety during his chemo and since then he continues to take it. He sleeps late and has a hard time waking up every morning. He is likely addicted.

TCB5568

Not only does my mom enable it but she's an alcoholic herself...recovered and started again after my dad died. My kids wouldn't b happy there. We don't have many options except my best friends mom offered us to stay in her basement.. My brother And his wife are both diagnosed bi-polar and I believe they are crazy. I am not going to follow him around that's for sure. He made it home today without stopping but having a few now that he got home and hes going shopping for us...tjp I know u r only trying to help thank you. Ive been to one Al-Anon and getting closer to calling a counselor

TCB5568

I thought about telling him to go to AA but didnt want to pressure him..good idea to print out the meetings for him. I posted this 3 times because my wi-fi kept going out...I didn't even think it posted but glad it did. As for going to my Dr. For my sickness, I'm sure its not necessary right now but I am also weaning off my celexa because I don't want to be a zombie and need to get a clear head about me. Ive been on the lowest dose but now cutting that in half for about a week. The withdrawal is not fun!

fedup3

We're here for you TCB.

Praying for you and your kids.

blwninthewind

I want to add....

"do as I say not what I do"

I forced my AH into AA. I shouldn't have. But it was the only way I could stay in the same house with him.
Being forced didn't do a whole lot for his self esteem but he is in recovery. so no matter what I'm grateful for that.