paigemc

Maybe I just have horrible memory, or maybe I just blocked it all out(most likely) but I am having a hard time remembering all the bad behavior and horrible things that happened over the last 8 years. I can go back as far as this time last year when my AH was turned down for a life insurance policy because his liver function test and cholesterol where high. That was when I first realized he really did have a problem. Seeing those tests terrified him.....but his plan was to quit for a few weeks. Which was about as long as he could go anyways.

He supposedly quit last year on Mother's Day but never really quit. He just goes for 6 weeks or so before he slips up and spends a weekend drinking. Then "quits" all over again.

My problem is that I can't go back and remember what happened before last year. I know there are things there and I know they are significant...I just can't put my finger on it.

I'm sure in the long run it doesn't really matter but I can't help but wonder if being able to remember those things would help me to better accept that I'm not crazy, there really is a problem here. The last year has been enough to prove to me that he is an alcoholic.....but having those memories might help me accept that I have tried all I can try and I can finally move on.

I dont guess there is really a question in there anywhere, just wondering if anyone else has been this way.

theuncertainty

Oh, man, the blank spaces or foggy memories suck. I've lately been talking with friends from before XAH's addiction started isolating our little family. The things that are / were gone are astounding. I think I posted here at F&F about pulling up a transcript from college and the surprise I felt at my grades. Well, with my friends, I'm finding more and more stuck doors. (Stuck doors because I can kind of remember something, like seeing the light filter out around the edges of the door, I just. can't. get. the. door. open.)

I get that some of the memories just weren't as significant for me as they were for the friend, but there are some (like straight A's, man!) that seem pretty darn significant and not remembering them freaks me out.

OK, my preferred image for my recovery are hiking paths, so with that in mind: My T gave me the following as a theory for that memory-loss:

Dealing with XAH was like a constant state of just trying to survive. In times of stress, my brain may have kind of tunnel focused on the routes that would keep me alive. The rest just kind of greyed out; observed, but not deemed necessary for survival. So new memories were not cataloged properly.

As for the older memories that I can't access: My brain may have re-directed neural pathways: use this route here - we MUST survive, THIS information is more useful right now. That information can be left for later... After years of having to use the survival pathways, the others kind of got over-grown.

Maybe I'll be able to find them later, maybe I won't. I'm having a really hard time accepting that. It feels like it's just one more thing XAH's addiction took from me. And my T is not a memory specialist or whatever, so she gave the caveat that it's just a theory, but it's not uncommon for trauma survivors to have memory issues.

dollydo

We humanoids can choose to forget what we want to...and we codependents are real good at it, it is part of our disease, to forget and play lets pretend...

wanttobehealthy

I think its a survvlivsl mechanism to not remeber all the bad bc then surely we wouldn't say as long as we do. Though the following ex is a positive analogy, maybe the forgetting of the bad is kind of a little like childbirth- they say you kind of
forget how painful it is ( im not sure i did!) and that forgetting of the unpleasant pain parts allows the human race to keep populating!

I found myself recently reading posts of mine from the past year or so on here & wow, what a good wake up call. I'm in no way taking AH back but was doubting myself and saying "nah it wasn't really that bad". I am quite grateful to SR for keeping old posts bc I had NO RECOLLECTION even from just a year ago of how bad things were.

So to address your post, in my experience at least it's very normal to not recall things from bad situations. If I'm this blurry on the past year I can assure you I have no clue what happened 8 yrs ago when this all began for me w AH

LaTeeDa

I agree that it's a survival mechanism. Much like denial. I have huge chunks of my childhood that I cannot remember. And the worst of it is that I didn't even realize it until my therapist tried to get me to recount some childhood memories. But, unless you are in therapy attempting to heal the wounds from the past, then those memories really aren't significant. Anvil's right, it's NOW that's important. Life is to be lived in the present, not the past. And, since she started it, I now have to post an eagle photo.

L

wanttobehealthy

I don't have any cool eagle pics to add (though I love the ones posted) but I can contribute this eagle detail & that is that I find Sam the Eagle perhaps my favorite muppet!

LifeRecovery

I have come to learn that I can't remember the most stressful periods in my life....and if I can't remember a time that helps me to say "ohhh that must have been really, really stressful...and something I don't want to repeat."

I realize I don't really remember 2011 for that very reason. I had not thought of that before.

fedup3

My lack of remembering a lot of my childhood and my marriage I contribute to PTSD. It's ok to let it stay in the past it's not worth digging up anyway.